2015 New York Jets or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Genoception

Another year, another Jets season, another opportunity to build upon my budding alcoholism, let’s all get ready for the 2015 NFL season. In many ways, 2014 was an awful season to witness first-hand as a Jets fan. I had the misfortune of watching the bulk of the Jets games and no, dear friends, it was not a holly, jolly time. The 2014 Jets had the magical ability of cramming a decades-worth of soul crushing defeats one could expect from your generic run-of-the-mill franchise, into a single season. Shall we analyze in detail?

Losing by a combined three points to the most hated rival with that rival subsequently winning the Super Bowl (Yuck): Check

Being murder-raped by the Buffalo Bills twice, playing one game on a neutral field when the Bills essentially had no ability to practice the week before, and the other game featuring the starting QB completing more passes to the Bills than his own team: Check

Potential Game tying TD pass nullified because of a timeout called by a person who lack the authority to call said timeout: Check

It was a rough year. Rex got the axe after six seasons, but continues his blood vendetta against Belichick in Buffalo. I am starting to think Rex was the victim of a dark hex placed upon the Ryan family by Kevin Gilbride as retribution for the Buddy Punch. How else can one coach have El Shitbox as the primary QB for four years and Geno Smith for two years, sprinkle in some Tim Tebow and “I don’t give a shit” vintage Mike Vick, and immediately follows that up by going to a situation where his choice of QBs involves EJ Manuel and Matt Cassel? The man just strikes out when it comes to have a having a half-way decent QB. Also on the involuntary termination front, John Idzik’s bold strategy of “Doing Nothing” was not the staggering success he envisioned.

So much for 2014, now onward to 2015! Hope is the first step on the road to disappointment.

The Jets had a rather competent offseason, hiring one of the more-well regarded coaching prospects. They were also able to sign back Revis and Cromartie; obtained a few more offensive weapons, and were able to snag the possibly the most talented player in the draft. Even with Sheldon Richardson playing Suspension Bingo (he just needs “punch a cancer ridden six-year old” and “openly carry a loaded M-4 Rifle in broad daylight down Broadway” to win), the D-Line is highly formidable. A quick aside about picking another Defensive Lineman high in the draft despite the weak offense, while I realize that the modern NFL has defanged defense significantly and is essentially a pass happy league predicated upon building offenses first and foremost, the increased possibility of a crippled Tom Brady still earns the pick with my blessing. The linebacking corps is still solid, if not aging. The secondary is rebuilt, with the return of the NFL’s most successful mercenary and multi-women impregnating tandem.

On offense, we brought in Brandon Marshall, and boy, I cannot wait for him and Geno to have some hissy-fits this season. The run game should be stout, but the O-Line is starting to get a bit long in the tooth.

I think that covers it all, nothing else to discuss.

http://i1.wp.com/images.ftw.usatoday.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/original-5.gif?w=848

Why are you still reading, I’m done.

http://giant.gfycat.com/GrandioseBouncyHerring.gif

Come on, there is nothing else I could possibly talk about.

https://usatthebiglead.files.wordpress.com/2014/12/geno-smith-pick-6-against-minnesota.gif?w=1000

QuarterWho? What are you blathering on about?

http://s3.amazonaws.com/br-cdn/temp_images/2013/12/12/genoint.gif

Oh do go fuck yourself. Alright you miserable sons of bitches, I’ll talk about it.

http://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s–Kb61qKZl–/c_fit,fl_progressive,q_80,w_636/18zccpg370672gif.gif

Now you are just being mean.

Which brings us to the QB situation. The Geno Smith Experiment goes on into year three and I expect it to go about as well as that Stanford Prison Experiment but switch out normal people and make all the participants serial killers or war criminals. America’s runner-up for bearded journeyman QB (Kyle Orton is the champion because neck beards are superior to crazed old-timey gold prospector beard) Ryan Fitzpatrick is the insurance policy. I have an inclination that this policy is as likely to pay off as well as Aaron Hernandez trying to collect upon a life insurance policy he took out on Odin Lloyd on June 16, 2013. Or and 5Chan’s calling the shots.
This organization has a severe aversion to capable passing offense.

Prediction:

Two possibilities here:

1) Defense and run game compensate for deficiencies in QB to a respectable record (Jets 2009 – 2010); or
2) QB cripples team; misery abounds for Jets fans [but that generally is always the case], rest of NFL laughs heartily [which is also generally always the case] (Jets 2011 – 2014)

0 0 votes
Article Rating
Subscribe
Notify of
33 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Grummmmble

I just wanted to check in and say I’ve always loved your name (and it’s many permutations) and profile pic.

Sill Bimmons
Fronkenshteen

As a Jet fan, you become accustomed to their “signature loss”. It occurs late in the season, against an inferior opponent. Prior to the game, they will be playing crisp, enthusiastic football, and they will have some semblance of control of their own destiny. Afterward, they usually fall into the “in the hunt” wildcard shitheap, fail to recover emotionally, and get knocked out of post-season contention in humiliating fashion.
THAT BEING SAID: Ladies and Gentlemen! May I present to you, the 12/13/2015 Week 14 matchup between your New York Jets and the visiting Tennessee Titans!!!
Just look at it Jet fans: a sandwich game between the week 13 Giant game (in which they’ll play out of their minds and probably win), and a prime time week 15 Sat. Night tilt at Dallas (in which they’ll get their doors blown off and Revis’ knee will explode again). Then! Guess who gets to administer the 1-2 kill shot after that? You guessed it! Week 16 vs NE (Brady clinches home field advantage throughout playoffs), and week 17 @ Buffalo (just…..jesus christ).
My kid is almost 4. I’ll be damned if I’ll let him root for this team.

WhyEaglesWhy

Well written, and I felt your pain. Jets fans and Negadelphians have a lot in common.

On the bright side, I think your team is better than you do. That defense is lights out, and Fitzpatrick is (ironically) better than whoever the Bills will run out there. (I’m assuming that if Fitzpatrick doesn’t play, it’s because Geno has improved.)

Senor Weaselo

Yeah, this about covers it. It’ll be a matter of if the defense can score more points than the offense gives up.

Smithchez

Great writeup.

I’m personally expecting a surprising amount of competence ending in a soul crushing late season loss that eliminates the team from playoff contention and culminates in Brandon Marshall’s personalities splitting him in two and going high/low on Geno from both sides like a Mortal Kombat fatality. So, a significant upgrade from last season.

Senor Weaselo

I’m thinking this one.

https://youtu.be/kg201Cn3Vng

Sill Bimmons

“I expect it to go about as well as that Stanford Prison Experiment but switch out normal people and make all the participants serial killers or war criminals.”

What if it turned them into good people?

http://s3-static-ak.buzzfed.com/static/campaign_images/terminal05/2012/8/31/17/things-that-blew-your-mind-when-you-were-a-kid-1-30991-1346448555-3_big.jpg

trollsoharduniversity

As an attorney, I’m horrified by the blatant abuse of process that Roger Goodell has perpetrated against Tom Brady. As a Jets fan however, I’m sorry that I will have to wait until week 5 to pray for a season/career ending injury.

Old School Zero

Geno Smith is no Vinny Testaverde, that’s for sure.

http://giant.gfycat.com/WellwornFantasticHog.gif

Warthog

Ouch.

Warthog

Outstanding. On the plus side you have two home games against the Dolphins to look forward to.

KidFlash

I fully expect Nobody Beats The Fitz starting by the time they play the Bills in November.

That said, either the Bills or Fins’ D will murder-rape them at least once. (The season finale, especially if Buffalo has any flicker of a playoff chance, seems as good a spot as any.)

Don T

Lotta love for the Oilers/Titanics! Man, that was a good write-up. Geno played kinda well at the end, after that MNF handoff-fest. I remember hearing that Rex did not let him pass out of spite for Idzik, but the gifs are an instructive counterpoint. Looked good in MIA on Week 17 tho.

CBQUE

Well written. That front seven even without Richardson should be exceptional. I hope that on the last Sunday of the season they clinch a playoff berth and knock The Bills out of the race. The look on Rex Ryan’s face would be priceless.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Well done, your Lordship.

laserguru

This was really well done Lord Revis. I’ve found that these are more entertaining when the expectations are lowest.

Spur

My owl is back!

Horatio Cornblower

So how far does Brandon Marshall drop in FF? Besides “a lot” of course.

trollsoharduniversity

I’m hoping to scoop him in the 17th round.

King Hippo

A crippled Brady makes for a beautiful 2015 season for all.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

No! I want him fit and healthy when the hangman comes calling, so that no one (outside NE) can claim bad luck or conspiracy for his career winding down in ignominity.

Martin

Sirs, if I may. I would like to present my humble retort.

https://youtu.be/UceGF3M56bE?t=19s

ballsofsteelandfury

Excellent write-up! You really captured the angst and pain of being a Jets fan. I’m surprised more Jets fans aren’t Cure fans.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

No room on their iPods- all taken up with Bon Jovi and Bruce Springsteen.

Duchess

I added a Banner pic for you

WCS

I was very much looking forward to this write-up, and damn if your misery and angst weren’t terrific.

Also, again, I sincerely apologize about Geno. He was good in college!

/rewatches 2012 Orange Bowl highlights for 43082th time
//silently weeps
///offers Lord a matching shot of bleach

Spur

Brandon Marshall will be crippled by the 3rd game. J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS

ballsofsteelandfury

That’s ok, at least they have 2!

Lothar of the Hill People

He bruised one lung with the Bears. The over/under on bruised lungs with the Jets is 3.