The Buffalo Bills, or Dear God Why

So, we dropped the ball on the Buffalo Bills, but they still deserve (I suppose) to have their fat roasted a bit. They have Sexy Rexy, Shady “No Dudes Allowed” McCoy, the hilarious Doug Marrone situation, the potential for MATT CASSEL to throw footballs, and Sammy Watkins’ sadness over the aforementioned CASSELING his fantasy stats will take. Let’s knock ’em out in order so we can get on to the drinking.

SEXY REXY

Hoo, boy.  Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, excites a fan base like Rex Motherfuckin’ Ryan.  Much like the Rock is “Franchise Viagra”, Rex Ryan is “Fanbase Viagra”.  Fans in Buffalo haven’t been this excited since that one day that it didn’t snow, in 1984.  Rex immediately makes your team more fun, and the fact that he gets to play the Jets twice this season, along with the Patriots, means that we’ve effectively DOUBLED his enemy-making potential.  It’s going to be AWESOME to watch him run his mouth this season.

Shady “No Dudes Allowed” McCoy

LeSean comes into town after being run out of Philly by Rob Ford impersonator Chip Kelley.  Chip decided that a guy that scored roughly a kazillion touchdowns the year before and singlehandedly won nearly every fantasy league should be replaced by a guy who has spent one year healthy.  EVER.  Anyhoo, Philly’s odd loss is Buffalo’s gain.  With the exception of Fred Jackson, otherwise known as “The Vulture” by me for the years and years he stole TD’s from CJ Spiller who WOULD BE AWESOME IF THEY GAVE HIM CARRIES, Buffalo had nothing at running back.  Shady gives them a pro bowler who knows the value of a penis-less party.  He also is VERY fiscally responsible, particularly when it comes to reimbursing wait staff.

the hilarious Doug Marrone situation

Doug Marrone somehow believed that getting to 9-7 with EJ Manuel and…Ryan Fitzpatrick?  No Kyle Orton!  Was that it?  Who cares.  He thought that getting to 9-7 with this cast of characters meant he could get a job outside of the frigid hellscape of Buffalo.  Unfortunately, he turned out to be a dillhole, and ended up in Jacksonville as the offensive line coach.  Technically, he was correct that he could escape Buffalo.  He just was wrong in every other way that’s important.  It was HILARIOUS.

the potential for MATT CASSEL to throw footballs

Holy cow, you guys.  Matt Cassel may start here.  As anyone who has ever watched a football game involving Matt Cassel will tell you, Matt Cassel is terrible.  Somehow, he is both boring and awful.  It’s not the fun kind of terrible, like Jay Cutler or Geno Smith.  He’s not accurate, has a weak arm, and is prone to staring down receivers.  He is death by a thousand cuts for his team.  He seems like a nice guy, though.

Sammy Watkins’ sadness over the aforementioned CASSELING his fantasy stats will take

I can’t imagine anything in the previous paragraph makes Sammy Watkins not tear up a bit.

Anyhoo, the Bills have a lot of good players, and no quarterbacks.  Sounds like a recipe for getting handed the big trophy by the Ginger Hammer, right?  Expect them to start 2-0 with an upset over the Patriots, even if they don’t play them, and then on to 6-10!

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Darkest Timeline Zack Morris
DTZM escaped his dark timeline through a wormhole created by Lord Screech, after he destroyed Bayside for never allowing him to mate with Lisa Turtle. Zach now lives a quiet life in St. Louis with his wife, Darkest Timeline Kelly Kapowski. They have no children, but do have the world's cutest dogs.
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Beardo McGrath

I mean, last time the Bills picked up a castoff Patriots QB, things went well, right?

[checks 2002 stats]

Hey, 8-8! That’s good enough for 2nd in the division.

blaxabbath

Can we rank the Bills weekly on a scale of Toronto to Greater Buffalo Dave & Busters?

MikeMartzColorsDontRun

Buffalo is on a fucking tear lately, case in point-

1) They got THE REX N ROLL as their ol ball coach

2) They finally caught and are in the process of hopefully imprisoning for life serial rapist and all around massive (but actually tiny) scumbag, Patrick “Kaner” Kane

3) TMNT2 is filming on location around town! COWABUNGA DUDES

I might just grow a hipster mustache (and a full body shag of hair for warmth) and move there

Cuntler

That’s three time Stanley Cup winning scumbag serial rapist Patrick Kane to you.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

You know Rex is jumping in to this job…………………. with both feet.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I have a dramatic proposal for a new America:

Make the Sexy Friday Post the OPEN THREAD !

For those who may or may not be partaking.

http://38.media.tumblr.com/e36a3b8792a3c1820b68596e9bf6b60c/tumblr_nlduwaRlZ41tpmgf1o1_400.gif

Brick Meathook

is the guy chasing the motorcycle or is the motorcycle chasing the guy?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

The guy on the bike “Fuck the police…… especially the mall police.”

Why Thank You Eddie

Liked for Benny Hill-ete.

ballsofsteelandfury

Agreed. SE Y FRIDAY IS THE OPEN THREAD!

blaxabbath

Hey Balls (Sorry don’t know how to like DM on here) — I see you have the Cardinals preview draft up. I uh….kinda was slated to do that….sooooooo…..

ballsofsteelandfury

That was before you volunteered. Feel free to delete it.

blaxabbath

Glad I asked. Would have felt bad otherwise.

Wanna be my editor?

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Sorry- I thought UU had taken it. Well stated though

scotchnaut

Right off the bat I have to ask-what is a dillhole? I’m not being condescending because I love my regional slur “gearbox” and I figger it’s similar. Fill me in.

/Phrasing!

ballsofsteelandfury

I’m pretty sure you fill dillholes.

scotchnaut

As far as I know, a gearbox is a person that doesn’t have a clue.

Brick Meathook

Matt Cassell throws poorly because that’s not his job. Matt Cassell’s job is holding a clipboard and being paid very well to do so.

Never has there been a football player who had such a long and successful career as a clipboard holding back-up, both in college and in the pros, as the illustrious Matt Cassell. The man is a genius.

Horatio Cornblower

‘Look I’m more than willing, MORE than willing, to hold this clipboard and offer encouraging platitudes to the starter for what you’re paying me. But if you want me to throw the football too that’s going to cost you more money. And if you want me to throw the football to OUR team, well, let’s just say I’m going to need a percentage of the team for that.”

-Matt Cassell

blaxabbath

#MentalReps

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

In another life he was one hell of a quality control inspector.

Don T

Charlie Whitehurst is the measure of all career backups. Billy Volek the next step, Frank Reich the patron saint.

Curse of Marino

Matt Flynn says high

Old School Zero

The Chargers picked up Stevie Johnson in the offseason. That’s a Trent Richardson-level CHAMPIONSHIP move, right?

Old School Zero

“Show me your nuts.”

/DTZM drafts Trent Richardson

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The hell you will. I’m thinking of going full HOMER for my fantasy team this year and if that’s the case he’ll be long gone.

montythisseemsstrangetome

“Stevie Johnson? Oh I hate that guy.”
– God

Old School Zero

I always love the fact that at the end of that, he looks right at the camera like, “Welp. Y’all feel me, right?”