The Redskins Get a New Community Outreach Coordinator

In a lavishly-appointed office, somewhere near (well, not that near) Washington D.C., the Redskins’ chiefs tackle a problem…

Bruce Allen: “Our latest pronouncement that we won’t change our team name -”

Dan Snyder: “THE REDSKINS!”

Bruce Allen: “Uh, right. The Redskins. Anyway, our announcement that we won’t change our name even to negotiate a new stadium hasn’t been well-received.”

Dan Snyder: “Well, sure, if you listen to the whiny media and social justice warriors and genuinely offended Indians. But I think the issue is that we don’t speak to the community in a way that relates to Joe Sixpack. So I’m bringing in a new Community Outreach Coordinator today to help with the messaging.”

Bruce Allen: “Wait…I didn’t see anything on the calendar.”

Dan Snyder: “Yeah, he JUST became available – lucky for us, right? Oh, here he is now!”

Jared Fogle: “Thanks for seeing me on such short notice, Mr. Snyder. I’ve got some ideas that will really help create excitement within the area youth!”

Dan Snyder: “Great! See, Bruce, THIS is the kind of forward thinking we need here.”

Bruce Allen: “Uh, Dan…I’m not sure about-”

Dan Snyder: “SILENCE! Now, Jared, your recent work with that bread-and-meats shop shows me you really can relate to the common man. Can you give me some examples of how we can make the Redskins name more palatable to the oversensitive Injun community?”

Jared Fogle: “I noticed your complex doesn’t have a daycare. What’s up with that?”

Bruce Allen: “Oh jeez.”

Dan Snyder: “Yes, hmm, I see what you’re saying. If we show how family is important to us, we could stifle the argument that we’re insensitive. Great! What else ya got for me?”

Jared Fogle: “How about Christmas every week? We could invite all the Indian children, or any children who want to wear loincloths, and I’ll dress up as Santa, and they can sit on my lap, and-”

Bruce Allen: “Dan, I simply MUST insist we stop this discussion at once!”

Dan Snyder: “WHAT? Oh…now I get it Bruce. Where are my manners? You must be starving, Jared! Say, I can have Bruce go get us some grub. You still eating healthy?”

Jared Fogle: “Well, if you have anything fresh and unspoiled…”

Bruce Allen: [vomits]