Mr. Trump Goes To San Diego

People of San Diego, I have traveled here today to make a HYOOOGE announcement that will affect your San Diego Chargers, as well as the entire NFL, and of course, the world. As you know, in about a year or whenever, I will be President of The United States. Of America. Many great and spectacular things will happen because of this, but I wanted you all to hear about the first. Thing.

I think we can all agree that this football team here should have a classy new stadium, with classy buildings around it, and the best gold accents available. The thing is, many proposals demand public money, and you hardworking San Diego people are tired of paying taxes for things you don’t get to use. Like football stadiums. I get that, which is why I’m worth $12 billion or so. I understand how business and finance works better than anyone. Ever. So I’m here to tell you we will build this stadium with no. Public. Money.

Now you’re saying, Mr. Trump, how can you do this? Is it because you’re worth over $15 million? No, even though I am. I am going to solve another problem while I solve this other problem. Here’s what we’re going to do. Building a stadium is going to require a lot of labor. I know, because I’ve built many luxurious buildings, and they always seem to require labor. Now where, in this area, can we get labor? To build? Right over there, just past that Denny’s, is Mexico. Now I’m sure there are some good people there. But time and facts have shown that most Mexicans are sneaky and want to rape you while they steal your job. Which is like another rape, so there’s two rapes. Gotta tell you, those Mexicans are efficient, which is why they’ll make great stadium-builders. Plus the Trump Executive Office Mahal on the corner of the stadium parking lot. And the Trump Indian Gaming Luxury Center across the street. But we’re here to talk about the stadium.

The Mexican builders will sneak over and start working immediately after I take office. We will have a large funnel and some air pressure creating a vacuum, and this will supply us with up to 10,000 workers per week. These Mexicans can then feel the pride of knowing they’re building a big classy monument to my vision and a place for the Chargers to play. By my estimation, this stadium complex will be ready in about six months, give or take five years. So where will all the Mexicans sleep? That’s the beauty of my plan. We install the grass FIRST. And there you go, thousands of laborers comfortably sleeping on the forty yard line, not raping hardly anyone. Once the stadium is finished, I will give them good jobs at the border keeping other Mexicans out, so they can prove their loyalty. To me. And if they behave, maybe we make them legal sometime. I’ll get a guy to work on that.

But let me get back to this stadium. This is gonna be the biggest, fanciest, classiest building anywhere. You want cheerleaders? I got Miss America losers who need stuff to do. My daughter Ivanka, who I would date if she wasn’t already part of my family, can coach the girls on how to cheer and be classy. You want a big suite to do big business deals in? Hey, I know what that’s like. After all, I didn’t get to be worth $33 billion by ignoring deals. The suites at this stadium will be big enough for Rosie O’Donnell and any of her kids that haven’t run away. I’m talking enormous, with fine gold inlay all over the place. And each concession stand will be full of Trump Water, Trump Vodka, and whatever else people eat. My son will shoot big game for some exotic tastes. You want zebra? We’ll have zebra.

Let’s get to the money, which is all you should care about. This stadium will not cost San Diego a dime. I just need 5000 acres near Sea World, and we’re gonna take over Torrey Pines and make it a Trump West golf course, and the Hotel Del Coronado will now be a Trump property so it will be classy. That’s it. For that bargain price you get a classy stadium, managed by my Vice-President Benny Carson – don’t worry, he’s one of the good ones – and the immigration problem will go away just like that. This is a great deal for America. You’re welcome.