Nine Circles of Leasts – Preseason – Week 2

Imagine you are running wildly into the dark woods. You hear the thundering clamor of paws chasing you. In the faint moonlight, you see what looks to be a Lion, a Jaguar, and a She-Bear chasing you deeper and deeper into the woods until you come about a great hill.

Fear not weary traveler I am here to show you the way. Quickly, follow me through here. the hill opens up and you see the following inscription over the archway glowing with an unholy aura.

Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch’intrate

(Abandon all hope, ye who enter)

I want you to worry not for this is not the entrance to First Energy Park in Cleveland, but we are staring into the mouth of Hell itself.

What you see here my friend is Hell’s vestibule, contrary to popular belief the Nine Circles are actually Ten. Nine places for sinners and a vestibule for the angels who refused to fight. Right now we are neither in Hell nor on earth nor are we anywhere. In a more simpler term, this is where the Houston Texans play. Quick into the boat the ride across Acheron will be long and dull like watching the Chiefs play offense.

While I have you here I figure now is a great time to explain the differences between Hell and the Seven Deadly Sins. Nine is two more than seven. Also Nine is divisible by three and so there are three major sections of Hell. The first section is for those who are self-indulgent me first glory boys, or those who only hurt themselves. The second section of hell is for those who are violent . While the third is for the worst of the worse or the malicious offenders. The first section is 5 circles large, the second is two, and so is the third. Any questions? Great moving on… ah we are here.

First Limbo – The virtuous pagans. Those who have no control over their final destination through no fault of their own. Here we watch Jordy Nelson’s ACL tear in slow motion on repeat. Right now the river Styxx is flooded with the tears of Packer’s fans and Aaron Rodgers.

Second Circle (Lust) – For those who are wanton with carnal desire. This is not just about sex but a desire for more of anything condemns you here. Chip Kelly is here for keeping Tim Tebow a thing.  The only QB battle going on right now is who will back up Mark Sanchez, when he starts week 3 after Sam Bradford gets sent back to the local Build-A-Kee workshop at the mall. Tebow is not that guy and right now only serves the purpuse of trying to keep the Eagle fan base entertained in week 4’s preseason game.

Third Circle (Gluttony) – Those who live in excess riding on the laurels of past performances. Think about it like this Trent Richardson might actually get cut by the Raiders. He did more in his 17 games with the Browns than his 29 with the Colts. and rushing for 23 yards in two preseason games is not helping his case.

Fourth Circle (Greed) – The lust for money is more salacious than the lust for power the greedy get their own circle. The owners deserve to sit here as they laugh in thier ivroy owners boxes. Watching thier men risk life and limb battle out for pennies on the dollar so they can charge near game day prices and collect more cash on overpriced slop from the refreshment stands. Look preseason needs to exist you need to knock of ring rust before the seaosn starts or every team will be sloppy for the first month of regular season. However, four games are excessive. Week 4 is pretty much like paying broadway prices for a traveling show. NO starters will play and the only people watching are scouts and player friends relatives.

Fifth Circle (Anger) – Anger is different from violence in that you choose another way of lashing out. Question: who will be the first team to start three QB’s this season the Jets of New York, the Jets of Buffalo, or the Jets of Houston?

Sixth Circle (Heresy) – God himself. Glover Quinn must have some inside knowledge right? According to him God had it in on Jordy Nelson and wanted him injured. Now my sources from Kansas say this was a proxy war to punish the Packer QB for some undisclosed reason. One must really question what kind of benevolent deity would trouble himself with fandom of certain teams. The mere fact that there have been numerous different SUper Bowl winners over the years only prove that God is a worse football fan than that awful family on the NFL merchandise commercial.

Seventh Circle (Violence) – There are three types of violence here those who are violent to others, those who are violent to themselves (suicide and the cheap), and those who are violent against the almighty NFL. The bullshit flung around during the Redskins/Browns game by the broadcasting team. From the bumbling of names on the sidelines, to the crappy forced product placement of Papa John’s Pizza in the announcer booth, to the unneeded cover-up of RGIII’s concussion.Speaking of the game The Redskins offensive line deserves to be here as well for their horrendous play while RGIII was in the game. It is as if they do not want their QB to live. This hurts themselves as much as RGIII because how much can a left tackle who can’t block get on the open market?

Eight Circle (Fraud) – Only accessable after jumping on the bloated back of the NFL’s Geryon. He has the face of a coffee and beer consumer, the body of a gigantic gnat, the feet the shape of swollen sausages and a tail with the sting of indifference. He will take us down to see Chris Carter. His speech may have been made over a year ago, however the message still lingers. “Always have a fall guy”. No not just “Don’t do dumb stuff”, but a message imploring young impressionale soon to be multimillionaires that if they do dumb stuff make sure you have a friend who can be pushed under the bus at a moment notice.

Ninth Circle (Treachery) – In Inferno Satan is depeicted as a three-headed dragon beast one with a red face,  one black face (das racist) and one pale yellow face. Each head here is forever eating the three most treacherous people, the unholy trinity of Brutus, Cassius, and Judas. Here we see just one beast a giant slippery eel like snake continuously eating his own cloaca. Roger Stokoe Goodell an apple that fell far from the tree and is rotting under the spotlight. His father, for those who do not know, was a Republican Senator from New York. Selected to fill Robert Kennedy’s seat he once famously penned a letter deriding the Vietnam war. A man who stood on principles and was widely respected on both sides of the aisle. This man fathered Roger a spineless man who  day in and day out makes the most vicious and vile people who play in the NFL look like folk heroes fighting against a tyrannical hand puppet of the owners.