Doug Martin’s Rejected Nicknames

The Commentist Party
The Commentist Party

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Doug Martin has never been fond of the “Muscle Hamster” nickname that was bestowed upon him by his Boise State teammates.  Recently, he was praised by the NFL’s official twitter account, and took the occasion to reiterate his distaste for the moniker.  Doug probably should have learned by this point that, much like Jameis Winston’s advances, resistance only encourages your transgressors.  Here at [doorfliesopen] we like to think of ourselves as the type to make #branding #blessed #Mike’sHardLemonade out of lemons, so we came up with a few nicknames that Doug would probably like even LESS than “Muscle Hamster”.  Feel free to add your own.

MRSA Hamper
The Littlest Creamsicle
Two Yards and a Cloud of Doug
Locker Room Cancer-Hamster
Sonic the Buccaneer
Hamster Growth Hormone
Bobby Rainey
Hamtaro Ham-Ham
Cancer Muffin
MC Hamster
Please Hamster Don’t Get A Concussion
Armadillo Jamboree
Bustle Fastener
(after his inevitable injury) Muscle Pullster
(if he gets overweight) Mussel Hamper
Ground Beef
Schiano Man
Jameis Winston’s Friend Doug Martin
Jameis Winstons Fall Guy Doug Martin
Friendly Doug
Dave Meggett Jr.
My Favorite Muscle
Hamster McMuffin
Doug the Suckaneer
Fantasy Team Killer
Zap Rowlesdower
Douglas Yancy Funnie
Huscle Mamster
Richard Gere’s Hamster Love Muscle
Gerbil Ligament
Security Guard Speed
Ki-Jana Carter
Dirk Hardpeck
Jared Fogle
Rent Trichardson
That Fucking Guy That I Drafted Four Rounds Too Early
Christmas Ham-ster (Oh, sorry, I thought we were talking about Jeff Baca.)
Doug Fartin’
Hustle Cancer
The Condemning Lemming!
Cancer Merchant
Hamster Legstrong
Small Intestine

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Horatio CornblowerSill BimmonsballsofsteelandfuryMoose -The End Is Well NighBeerguyrob Recent comment authors
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Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

I just learned that they brew beer in Tsingtao because it was a German-occupied port city similar to Hong Kong and Macao.


If he last ten years, he could be “The Notorious CTE”.


I am disappoint that this did not make an appearance:–5_600x0w.jpg


I live in dc but am still a Cubs fan. That being said, why the fuck is Matt Williams still coaching the Nats?


“Jevon Belcher”


I think thats called Dougmantic Dougtiation.


doug. I mean crap.

Senor Weaselo

“Black Doug.” -White Doug

Senor Weaselo

You know that thing where you see a word a bunch of times in a row and it looks like it’s spelled wrong? I got that from only two Dougs!

Enrico Pallazzo

I’ve always liked the nickname “Not Good” for him.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I would feel bad wasting this, I had this one ready to go too

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Gotta appreciate a woman who doesn’t skip leg days.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Not sure why people photoshop what is already outstanding.



Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

“We get off the bus running. Oh fuck Doug Martin is my running back here”


You know who else got off the bus running?

Riley Cooper’s grandfather on December 1st, 1955 in Montgomery, Alabama

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Richard Gere’s Reluctant Pet

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Oh shit, that one was already on there.


It was, but I think your formulation rolls off the tongue better.


Cockfart McQueefjizz


Duh, Muscle Crampster. Don’t know why I didn’t think of that during the first go-round.

Horatio Cornblower

Nobody’s beating Two Yards & A Cloud Of Doug.

That is hilarious and perfect.


You were a big fan of “We All Float Down Here” too, right?

Clearly Horatio has distinguished himself as having the best taste among the folks here.

Horatio Cornblower

I missed “The Condemning Lemming”; that’s pretty damn good as well.

Lothar of the Hill People
Lothar of the Hill People

When I read “Friendly Doug” at first I thought it said “Friendly Dong” and I thought that is a nickname!


This shall be the name for the next pub trivia team I play on.
Yes, I play pub trivia.

Lothar of the Hill People
Lothar of the Hill People

Hamster Not Wrapped In Duct Tape

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

Beat PunchBeef

Big, Brave Brick of Meat

Big McLargeHuge

Blast HardCheese

Blast ThickNeck

Bob Johnson

Bold BigFlank

Bolt VanderHuge

Brick HardMeat

Buck PlankChest

Buff DrinkLots

Buff HardBack

Butch DeadLift



Crud BoneMeal

Crunch ButtSteak

Dirk HardPec

Fist RockBone


Flint IronStag

Fridge LargeMeat

Gristle McThornBody

Hack BlowFist


Lump BeefBroth

Punch RockGroin

Punch Side-Iron

Punt SpeedChunk

Reef BlastBody

Roll Fizzlebeef

Rip SteakFace

Slab BulkHead

Slab SquatThrust


Slate Fistcrunch

Slate SlabRock

Smash LampJaw

Smoke ManMuscle

Splint ChestHair

Stump BeefKnob

Stump Chunkman

Thick McRunFast

Touch RustRod

Trunk SlamChest

Whip SlagCheek


I think you covered them all.

Horatio Cornblower

Somebody take Sill’s keyboard away; it’s starting to smoke.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

I just copy/pasted the text from here:


Thank God. I was worried you had an autism.


Where does one pick up an autism?


Well, there’s Autism-R-Us on Third, there’s Autism Hut, that’s on Third. Swing Low, Sweet Autism…Matter of fact, they’re all in the same complex; it’s the Autism Complex on Third. In the Autism District.


“It’s really easy to get to, just go straight through Vaccine Town and you can’t miss it.”

– various idiots


I don’t know about her education, but the doctor’s easy on the eyes.

Horatio Cornblower

You know what’s in those guns right?

Well I don’t, but I know it’s not polio vaccine!

Why Thank You Eddie
Why Thank You Eddie

Are you sure your parents didn’t help you with your homework?

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

Nope! Straight plagiarism.


“That deserves a doctorate.”

— Karl-Theodor zu Guttenberg