2015 Denver Broncos aka “One Robot Neck Out of Warranty”

King Hippo

King Hippo

Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan.Also a proud fookin’ Evertonian.Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child.[Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
King Hippo

Badass original art by Make It Snow

Being a kid, then teenaged Broncos fan in the 1980s/early 1990s was a rollercoaster ride, to put it mildly.  The Drive and The Fumble provide about as much joy as one can possibly experience in a sports setting.  Yeah, it was just at the expense of The Factory, but still really fucking cool.  Unfortunately, the Super Bowl always happened.  And this was an era of NFC dominance.  And the ultraconservative Dan Reeves was Denver’s coach again and again and again.  Plus…Denver usually had no defense, or much in the way of a credible running game to take any real pressure off Elway (or do anything other than set up 3rd and long in Reeves’ predictable playcalling).  So a certain young Hippo would kick in closet doors, take long, angry walks to get away from irritating college suitemates, the one year Denver DID have good complementary pieces, but lost 10-7 in the AFC title game at Buffalo when Reeves refused to pull a clearly injured John Elway until it was too late.

That game featured a near-miraculous comeback engineered by Gary Kubiak, Denver’s 7th round choice in 1983 (the same draft the Colts took Elway 1st overall).  Elway was the only teammate who knew Kubiak planned to retire after that playoff run.  Had Reeves given Kubes the entire 4th quarter like I had been screaming at the television…oh damn it all to fuck, I’m pissed off all over again.  Anyway, I had a point at one time in my drivel.  Besides the return to the fold of the boyishly handsome (sorry Jared, he’s a fully grown adult) Gary Kubiak as head coach, which is exactly what I was hoping would happen.  LOVE TEH KUBES!!

Oh yeah…being a 39-year old QB is a tough row to hoe.  Fairy tale endings are few and far between.  Bronco fans are spoiled because of what we got for our horse-faced idol, once the orange-faced coach and beastly demi-God Terrell Davis rode into town.  Good Karma for all the hits he took, all the SHIT he took, Reeves drafting TOMMY GODDAMNED MADDOX to try to phase Elway out…John got to end his career on his own terms, with back to back Super Bowl wins, including a Super Bowl MVP after thrashing Reeves’ hapless Falcons (who had no choice but to stack the box against TD).

And speaking of spoiled…after a decade or so of QB limbo (though, quite frankly, Catler was pretty good…just, you know…CATLER)…PeyPey goes and chooses Denver for his comeback tour, to excise the Tebowian stink from my beloved franchise.  Two all-time Top Ten QBs in such a short span of time…that’s some damned good luck, especially having drafted neither of them.

You hit the lottery twice, and many Donks faithful started planning the parade in our heads, forgetting both the maths and the simple fact that life shits in your mouth more often than not.  PeyPey has put up pinball numbers in the regular season, only to find Reeves-era Elway heartbreak in January, in the process often looking like a man that can’t feel his fingertips in the blustery Colorado weather (which he, in fact, cannot).  Yet it was his quad, not his robot neck that sprung a leak last December, paving the way for the cheating goddamned Patriots to waltz to another Lombradi trophy, and setting up this one last gallup for our gallant, robotic, pizza-shilling warrior.

This pre-season has not looked promising for the past-warranty parts.  But much like Elway’s last ride, the rest of the team looks ready to pick up the slack.  If PeyPey can just get hot at the right time…

First, CJ Anderson, meet the zone blocking scheme.  Zone blocking scheme, meet CJ Anderson.  You’re going to fucking like each other.  A lot.  Terrell Davis taught even the most slack-jawed Denver fan to appreciate greatness in a running back when we see it.  Especially “off the scrap heap” greatness.  Enter CJ, with quickness, deceptive speed (for a black guy ,, no ofence), and delightful power.  Unlike Montee Ball (pile of monkeyshit), he is decisive – the key to success in this system.  He’s also gonna catch passes this season.  Being the great interview that he is, CJ noted that it would “almost be disrespectful to Kubiak’s system” if he didn’t have a huge year.  If they don’t split carries too much (change of pace with Hillman, goal line with Juwan Thompson – who’s a very good back in his own right, and who I would handcuff as the “every down” alternative), you could be looking at a fantasy monster, though Denver is a fickle mistress that way.

Second, the offensive line – once expected to be truly horrifying, looks to be perhaps average!  Huzzah!!  Elway somehow got PeyPey to take a $4M pay cut before the season, and used that scrilla to bring in all-pro LG Evan Mathis ($4M is the max with incentives, base salary is $2.5M).  Mathis required more than the $5.5M guaranteed he was slated to make in order to suffer through another season of Chip Kelly.  Pretty shrewd business by Elway and co.  This frees up 4th round draft pick Max Garcia (who looks like he might be really good) to be the “swing” interior lineman, a very positive development because the rest of Denver’s interior “depth” looks to be fucking garbage.  Louis Vasquez  is an excellent RG, and Matt Paradis has been average-to-good at center, so I’m only really worried about our tackles at this point.

Other that that, how did you like the play, Mrs. Lincoln?

Make it Snow, Moose, and other Donks faithful may remember my draft Saturday ranting and raving for Denver to draft La’el “Murder Guy” Collins in the 2nd round, then REALLY LOUDLY when he was still there in the 3rd.  Instead, we took a shitty TE from Ohio State who blew out his ACL before training camp.  Murder Guy will start at RT for the 2015 NFC Champion Cowboys.

Sigh.  PeyPey still has a wide array of targets, led by Demaryius Thomas and Emmanuel Sanders (but including lots of interesting TE/H-back types) who can take quick passes and seam routes and break for big gains, even if the tackles/PeyPey’s arm don’t call for many fly routes.  I am in the bargaining stage, SHUT UP!!

Moving on, let’s talk defense!  Elway has a simple philosophy here, and it’s worked out pretty well.  Dominant, fast pass rush, combined with physical, skilled CBs.  Then he pretty much bargain shops and fills in everywhere else.  And it works, with the team finding several interesting rotational linebackers off the street.  Late round/street FA DTs have done just as well as the 1st and 2nd rounders.  Nightmare Hipster Von Miller and his young understudy (brilliant 2015 1st round pick Shane Ray) figure to be holy terrors this season, and hopefully the new regime doesn’t burn out Demarcus Ware like last year.  But for my money, the best part is still watching Chris Harris and Aqib Talib play.  Excellent cover corners who can really tackle in space.  Throwback players.  I absolutely love them both.  Bradley Roby is the 3rd corner, and would be a #1 for 10-15 teams in the league.

That has been the flipside of PeyPey’s somewhat awkward, nervous chuckle-inducing pre-season – the defense has been murder-y, in the the best possible way.  Broncos fans, especially on the internet, tend to be kind of stupid and repetitive.  So every fucking time the defense shows any sign of improvement, cries of “the Orange Crush is back, baby!” ring out from the Rockies.  But this time, it just might be true.  For all his shlubbiness as a head coach, Wade Phillips is actually a really good defensive coordinator.  Especially when his days of ambition and job-hopping are over.  This is probably his last stop on the career train.  He’d like to end it with a ring as much as PeyPey would.  Especially over Jerry Muthafuckin’ Jones.  And make no mistake about it, that’s who awaits if my beloved navy and mango (those be the official colours, I looked it up!) make it to the Big L.  Though given my personal history as a fan, I’m not so sure I like the connotation of that phrase.

King Hippo
King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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Moose -The End Is Well NighCuntlermparksKing HippoLothar of the Hill People Recent comment authors
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ballsofsteelandfury

Moose, I see you’re still up. What are your real thoughts on the team this year? Carefully optimistic or pessimistic but hoping to be pleasantly surprised?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

The defense is currently the best unit on the team and can hold points down when the O is struggling. The talent and Wade’s style should be a great fit. Special teams are average at best, but the kickers are good, not top, but good. The offense; we’ll see. Pey-pey looks uncomfortable in the games but has been spot on in practice. The Kubster knows how to build a running attack and is smart enough (having been beat by him like a drum during his previous tenure) to meld PFM’s style with his own scheme. They are good enough to win the division even though there is some improvement in the competition. I’m not sure PFM can make it through the season, but unlike Hippo I think Brocky can get you through 3-4 games fine. The signing of Mathis was huge for the line, but still some weak spots there. I think people will be surprised how good the running backs turn out. The wide outs are some of the best in the league, slot and back ups are average. Just like with most teams if they are reasonably healthy and playing well at the end they can do well in the playoffs. My homer pick; beat the Packers in the SB. My regular pick; lose in dramatic fashion on the road in the AFC title game. WCS; injuries pile up, KC takes advantage and wins the division.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
ballsofsteelandfury

Also, kudos on the art!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
ballsofsteelandfury

Excellent job! I just feel really good now that I’ve drafted the Denver D in FF before reading your post.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Porky Prime
Porky Prime
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
litre_cola

The Jared reference was Gold! Jerry, Gold!

Spur
Spur

I had nothing against Pey-Pey until he sulked away to Europe to get stem cell treatment for his neck. Prior to his injury, Pey-Pey campaigned for politicians in Tennessee who actively called for an end to all stem cell research.

Now that the horse shoe is on the other hoof, stem cell is ok with Pey-Pey.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Update. I may have concussed myself a bit with my tripping over a cord and falling on my face last night. I felt fine last night and this morning but now I am dizzy and just a bit off.

makeitsnowondem

You’ll be fine, just comment it off.

Kungjitsu
Kungjitsu

LA LA LA LA LA LA! Not listening. Grab your helmet and get back in the game.

Porky Prime
Porky Prime

Rub some dirt on it. On your face. Rub some dirt on your face.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

“Falling Ass Backward Into The Next Dream Opportunity: The Bill Simmons Story.”

He’s the Adam Sandler of sports. Never evolved because he never had to.

And now this. Fuck that guy.

http://www.vanityfair.com/news/2015/09/bill-simmons-to-launch-site

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Mother Schauber
Mother Schauber

I need to go back and finish reading, but had to stop at “Love teh Kubes”. You will grow to Loathe teh Kubes soon enough. Bob McNair’s loyalty and general kindness in a “can’t rock the boat” sort of way kept Kubiak at least 3 years longer that was warranted or deserved. Plus, post game loss interviews will make you want to punch him through the TV. His glass ceiling should be OC.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Really? Fucking Really? Takes over a 2-14 team in shambles goes to 6-10, then to 8-8 in a division with Peyton Fucking Manning at his peak, holds court for three years, you in your impatience fire him and start over again (with who?). Give up the only play-off appearances and wins the fucking team ever had? At least top 10 offense 6/8 years, with Matt Fucking Schaub. Strong fucking take.

Not saying he’ll be the next Joe Walsh, but Jesus fuck.

Cuntler

He is just an ordinary, average guy.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

We’ll see; as long as he gets the running game to top notch and leaves Wade alone with the D……

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

In Houston he was the real deal and not just a life of illusion. Now he is bringing it on in a Rocky Mountain way in Denver. Life’s been good so far and I see no reason why he shouldn’t continue that given the resources he has.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
mparks
mparks

Pick up the somethin’-somethin’. Hope that it’s hard.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

Aqib Talib.

#OneOfTheGoodOnesSquared

Senor Weaselo

But did he ice up, son?

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

The Factory wasn’t The Factory back then.

Those were some really good Browns teams.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It was still a Factory, but back then they specialized in producing Heartbreak. Prior to the 1990 season they made a huge capital investment and retooled and they’ve been producing Sadness ever since.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

The 1990 playoff loss was basically a wildcat strike.

Cuntler

The Cowboys’ defense is garbage. Green Bay’s defense is slightly better garbage. I think you still have to go with Seattle in the NFC this year, especially with Jimmy Graham. He played basketball. People forget that.

Although we all know that the Lions are beating the Browns in the Super Bowl.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

Futility Bowl: This Time, One Of Them Has To Win

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Damn straight.”

– Donovan McNabb

Kungjitsu
Kungjitsu

Not to be Debbie Downer but there’s a really good chance that Terrell Suggs starts the Brock Osweiler era in week 1.

Enrico Pallazzo

IMO this preview is IN-COM-PLETE…which ranks right up there with HEAAAAAATH and KUUUUUUUUHN and GO JETS as the most deplorable fan actions.

Cuntler

I have free tickets to watch the third-stringers tomorrow night, and your reminder of the IN-COM-PLETE chant makes me not want to go.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Oh, such a burden; how would you survive? Some of the shit that makes people angry; “OH NOES!!!! FANS ARE HAVING FUN WITH SOMETHING HARMLESS!! THIS PISSES ME OFF TO MY CORE!! BURN THEM ALL!!”

Cuntler

Dude. You’re fucking fired up tonight!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Cuntler

(Fwiw, I was being glib. Going to NFL games for free is fun! Even 4th preseason games!)

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I went last weak on the company tickets. Warm weather, women in jean shorts, not really caring about the outcome of the game. Although you have to walk a while to get a good beer. If you are going there are a few of the stands that sell an “elk brat” which whatever it is is pretty damn good. One of them is over by section 130 or 131.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

While we are on that subject, I believe you were asking a long time ago about Mexican places? I’ve been to this nieghborhood once in about ten years and tried this place; pretty damn good:
Los Pastes – Mexican Meat Pies ~

Eastwood Village Shopping Center, 3140 S Parker Rd #13, Aurora, CO 80014 (Essentially I-225 and Parker Rd, one block west on Parker Road to S. Peoria St., and then continue half a block west on Parker Rd. and it is off to the right).

Can recommend the following: Minero (ground beef, potatoes, onion, and parsley), Norteno (Fajita beef, green pepper, potato, and onion), Americano (Scrambled eggs, ham and cheese), Mexicano (Scrambled eggs, tomato, onion, and jalapeno) @ $2.50 a wack.

Also had the chicken pozole, clear broth chicken soup with hominy – (pictured below), as well as one of those tiny little sweet pies in apple and cinnamon @ $1 ea.

Lunch Special is 2 Empanadas + Soup or Salad + Soda @ $10.00

Cuntler

Thanks for the recommendations. I am out that way to play golf (saddle ranch? saddle rock? something like that) in a few weeks. Sounds amazing!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

*Moose blamed for Cuntler’s food poisoning.

Lothar of the Hill People
Lothar of the Hill People

Having had the same neck injury as Pey-pey, at almost the exact same time, and being only a few years older than him, I have a whole shit-ton of empathy for the guy.

Mainly, I’m amazed he can throw the ball at all. I lost a lot of strength in my tricep. Luckily, I’m neither left-handed nor a professional QB, so it doesn’t affect me much except when I’m benching and my left arm decides it can’t straighten out.

That robot neck is never going to cause him problems again. Fusion makes the “bad spot” go away completely and you can literally never hurt those nerve roots again, because those fused vertebrae have no disc to blow onto the nerves.

The problem is the damage done, and the fact that at his age, playing football is like an old guy getting punched for a living.

Plus, here’s the sucky thing for Pey-pey to contemplate: it’s not really that you “suddenly” have spinal disc issues. He didn’t herniate that thing from some 350-lb DT sitting on him. He probably has a congenital predisposition to disc problems, and that was the first one to go. There are others probably in bad shape, waiting to assplode. The good news is that if he makes it another 15 years or so, they’ll dry up so much that there won’t be any goo inside that will assplode out. Of course, by the time that happens, his spinal column will have shrunk and he’ll be a half to a full inch shorter.

I’ve shrunk 1/2 inch from how tall I was 20 years ago.

Anyway, the point I’m making is that Pey-pey is playing on borrowed time. Has been since he came back. It won’t be the same injury, but the next time he gets hurt is probably the last time he gets hurt.

I would hate to be a fan of a team where one injury to the QB meant not only the end of the season, but his career and therefore any shot for greatness for several years.

Wait, who backs up Cutler? Oh that’s right. Jimmy Pickles. Well, at least Cutler doesn’t have a bum spine. Until the revolving door at RT gets him killed, that is.

Cuntler

The Bears, on Fox’s recommendation, just picked up Zac Dysert, who the Denver media was talking up quite a bit in the preseason. A lot of them thought Dysert throws a better ball and is a better athlete than Brock Osweiler. NOTE: The Denver media are complete fucking idiots.

I would rather try him out as a back-up than terrible fucking quarterback Clausen. Also, for an ex-QB, Kubes is terrible at evaluating quarterback talent. Denver fans forget that he coached for a team that no one cares about and went through a carousel of Shaubs and Rosenfelds, so that gives me a smidgen of hope, too, that Dysert might be good.

(Also, it is very sad that I am hopeful about a practice squad QB cut by the Broncos. Who am I kidding? This guy will suck too.)

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I would like to reiterate your point: NOTE: The Denver media are complete fucking idiots.

I’ve watched them both in practice and quite the opposite is true.

Cuntler

Really? Damn. I guess they just needed a body that knows the offense. And the boulder rolls down the hill again…

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Well Zac Dysert was pretty good in college, does have a pretty strong arm for a third stringer, he’s not bad looking and from all I’ve heard is a really nice guy! He has played well against the third level of talent.

Actually I think they know what they have and with a little coaching the new guy from NW, Trevor Siemian beat him out. I just don’t think he could beat little Jimmy C. out of the second spot, especially this late in the game. Fox trusts him to pick up the offense and knows his S&Ws

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Kungjitsu
Kungjitsu

So are we talking tearful retirement press conference or giving a thumbs up from a stretcher?

War on I-4 1997
War on I-4 1997

Mike Utley

Old School Zero

Well done. This went up alongside the deadspin donks preview. Fuck tha po-lice.

SonOfSpam

Aren’t you smoking a thin cigarette near the Seine right now?

Old School Zero

Waiting on the first flight.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

If the thin cigarette was wacky weed that doesn’t sound half bad. Well as long as you had a decent expense account.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

And I felt like Magary kind of phoned it in, too.

Sep

True, but really anything before or after ZODIAC MOTHERFUCKER writes in for the Lions is all fluff.

blaxabbath
SonOfSpam

Is the tape to keep the gravy in?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

If he were wearing blue and white shorts I’d assume he was a Colts fan celebrating breast cancer awareness month.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That is a deep belly button; my theory is the tape is to keep redneck from fucking it.

Cuntler

When you can upgrade from a guy with potentially serious heart problems to a guy with potentially serious brain problems, you do it!

Barring a complete operating system shut down from Manning, I agree that they are the AFC favorites, considering how good the defense looks.

makeitsnowondem

Absolutely. You don’t coach with your brain. You coach with your heart.

packman_jon

“What’s a ‘heart’?”
– Peyton

Lothar of the Hill People
Lothar of the Hill People

Peyton Manning as the Tin Man.
Trent Green as the Scarecrow.
Matt Stafford as the Cowardly Lion.

Chris Kluwe as Dorothy?

Enrico Pallazzo

Prince Shembo killed Toto and Lizzie Seeburg.

Senor Weaselo

I would watch the shit out of that. Is Goodell Oz or the Wicked Witch of the West?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It takes more than just heart, you also gotta have that competitive fire.

http://img3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20111119144906/villains/images/9/99/Mola_Ram.jpg