Hard Ride to Nowhere (Chapter 3)

Scene: The Platinum International Gym.  Horatio Cornblower sits out front in a Lotus position, meditating, a bandage on his wrist.  Like others who are elite among the DFO, he wears his original “KSK” patch.

Horatio Cornblower:  Ohm…ohm…

Just then OSZ comes peddling up the drive, with Covalent Blonde on the handlebars of his ten-speed and Marc Trestmans Windowless Van on the seat.

OSZ (sweating heavily): Whew! Well, not too bad, guys. The first five miles went by pretty fast, but those last three were a lot harder. I wish this place wasn’t on a hill…

Covalent Blonde (hopping off the handlebars): Yeah, yeah, we’ll get you a medal later. Hey, there’s Horatio!

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van and Covalent Blonde rush over to Horatio Cornblower as OSZ collapses in the drive, the bicycle falling on top of him.

OSZ: Whoa! Hey, guys, I’m kind of light-headed here. Could someone get me some water?

Horatio Cornblower (effortlessly standing straight up from his meditative position):  Hey, guys.  I hope you didn’t have any problems getting here…I was getting a little worried.

Covalent Blonde: Eh, OSZ stops for traffic lights. It really slowed us down. So where’s the rumble?

Horatio Cornblower: Rumble? There’s no rumble, guys. I told Marc I took a tumble.

Covalent Blonde glares at Marc Trestmans Windowless Van, who is scratching at his ear.  A Skittle falls out and hits the ground.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van:  Hey! A green one!  Dibs!

Covalent Blonde (noticing Horatio Cornblower’s bandaged wrist):  That looks really painful. What happened?

Horatio Cornblower: It’s okay. Pain doesn’t hurt. I was wall-climbing and my peg broke. I was only thirty feet up…that probably would’ve badly injured a normal person, but I turned it into a tuck & roll. I jammed my wrist on the landing, though. I must be getting old.

Covalent Blonde and Marc Trestmans Windowless Van look shocked and shake their heads.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Dude, no, not you! You’re like, eternal, man! You’re like a guru, like Bodhi, man!

Horatio Cornblower (slapping Marc Trestmans Windowless Van on the shoulder): Much appreciated, old friend. But in any event, I need one of you to drive my bike.

Covalent Blonde: Your custom knucklehead chopper? Dibs!

Just then Horatio Cornblower’s motorcycle comes around the corner, driven by a gym employee. OSZ scrabbles out of the way as it screeches to a halt.  The license plate reads:

Gym Employee: There you go, Mr. Cornblower! I had it washed and detailed while you were waiting. Is there anything else I can do?

Horatio Cornblower (peeling of a twenty for the gym employee): No, you’ve been a great help, son. Here, for all the trouble you went to.

Gym Employee: Oh, no, sir, I couldn’t take your money! After all, that advice you gave me last month saved my marriage! It’s just an honor to be of service.

Horatio Cornblower: Well, I appreciate it, son. And remember: the flower that grows wild grows best.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van (wiping away a tear): That’s awesome, man.

Covalent Blonde gets on the bike, and Horatio Cornblower gets on behind her. She revs the engine hard and peels off down the drive. Marc Trestmans Windowless Van walks over to OSZ and sits beside him.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: I’m hungry. Can we go to that French bakery?

OSZ: That’s two miles in the other direction. I want to get back to the clubhouse before I completely dehydrate.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: All right but, y’know, it is my birthday.

OSZ: Agh! Vous êtes le pire! OK! I’ll take you to the French bakery.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Cool! Dibs on the handlebars!

Cut to:  The DFO clubhouse, where PK has collected almost all of his nuggets.  He’s on his hands and knees, reaching under the couch for the last one.

[DOOR FLIES OPEN]

 Horatio Cornblower and Covalent Blonde enter.  Covalent Blonde is looking wind-blown but happy, while Horatio Cornblower doesn’t seem to have a hair out of place.

Covalent Blonde:  Wow!  That’s some ride you’ve got there!

Horatio Cornblower (dropping down onto the couch and putting his feet up on PK):  You should see what it can do on two wheels.  I’m just glad the driver of that semi truck had good reactions.

Covalent Blonde:  Hey, one-way street signs are just suggestions.  We had plenty of room.

PK:  Uh, hey, guys.

Covalent Blonde (putting her feet up on PK as well):  What really got on my nerves was that green Prius, though.  I mean, lay off your horn, amirite?

Horatio Cornblower:  Well, to be fair, you were driving over his car at the time.

Covalent Blonde:  So he has a tire mark down the center, now.  He can tell everyone it’s a racing stripe.

PK:  Guys?

A secret panel in the wall opens, and Doktor Zymm steps out of her hidden laboratory.  She’s wearing a white lab coat and large goggles.

Doktor Zymm:  Horatio!  Covalent Blonde!  Vere is everyone else?

Horatio Cornblower:  It’s just the two of us right now, Doc.

PK:  Guys…?

Doktor Zymm:  I see…zat is most unfortunate.  Vith only the three of us, I foresee just a 12% chance of success.

Horatio Cornblower:  Whoa, slow down, doc.  You want to fill us in on what you’re talking about?

Doktor Zymm:  Vat am I talking about, Horatio?  Only…the end of civilization as ve know it!

PK:  Hey!  I found my nugget!

To be continued…