Taste the Pants-Free Lifestyle-Your Late Games Open Thread

I don’t know about you but it looks like an absolutely beautiful fall day out there. A great day to work in the yard, as a matter of fact. But I won’t be doing that AT ALL. Because of the football, you see. Glorious, glorious games with frothing at the mouth giants trying to disembowel some other guy because he prefers to wear a uniform with a different colour on it. Existential, huh? No? Well, umm, here are the games…

Det vs SD: Melvin Gordon makes his debut against last year’s best rushing defense. Sure there are Suh pieces missing but Melvin [giggles quietly to himself] has some work to do. Welcome to the NFL buddy. These teams rarely play each other so that’s important. The Bolts have 8-8 written all over them.

Ten at TB: I can only assume that this will be the featured game because the NFL is a stupidhead. Titans! Bucs! Oh My! Mariota begins the massive uphill struggle that is getting acclimated to the whys, wherefores and whatchamacallits of the pro game. Evans plans to play but if he’s a no-go don’t blame me for starting him in fantasy. (hamstrings are a such dicey thing with wideouts) Winston gets the start and I miss Giraffe already.

Cin at Oak: This one is for all the chili that you can pour over Ramen noodles. Hey, we’re on a budget! The dangerous (to himself) Dalton has quality help in Green and Hill and he’ll need it because it looks like Khalil Mack is the second coming of [insert name of your favourite defensive player here]. Cincy has never won in Oakland-they’re 0-9.

Bal at Den: This here is the feature game for the 4:25(?) slot. E.S.T. RULES! Apparently the Broncs are dialing it back on O because Peyton can’t feel his fingers or somesuch. I don’t get what the big deal is, I hardly have any feelings at all and I’m fine. Although CJ is a fine back the Ravens are always quite stuffy on D so we’ll see where that goes. Smith, Sr., just get this year over with so that you can get into the booth and be the most interesting talking head since David Byrne.

NO vs Ari: Carson is back! Fans are hoping that last year’s surprising-est team (9 games in) that flew under most folks radar is back and that the window to glory is still open. On paper that seems to be the case. On the other side, Brees has to adjust to the loss of Graham, an aging Colston and the addition of Spiller. Regarding Spiller, and I never get tired of saying this, “He can’t run between the tackles!”. I think Brees will manage just fine with these new variables. If his arm was chewing gum I’d say that there’s still some flavour left. Not sure about that D though…

Please Login to comment
437 Comment threads
416 Thread replies
0 Followers
 
Most reacted comment
Hottest comment thread
54 Comment authors
synapticmisfiresDefensive Back Mike WallaceWe want the ball and oh shitMoose -The End Is Well NighMartin Recent comment authors
  Subscribe  
Notify of
Lothar of the Hill People
Lothar of the Hill People

Is it me, or does anyone else often mistake the patch on the Detroit uniforms for a 9/11 memorial?

John Difool
John Difool

It’s from WWIII, the day the whole world nuked Detroit.

Not really, but Detroit looks like it.

ThePirateSloth
ThePirateSloth

Someone smarter and more statisticsy than me should do s comparison of Darrell Bevell to Norv Turner.

fleshwound_NPG
fleshwound_NPG

2015 Pete Carroll: regressing back to the mean

Mother Puncher
Mother Puncher

When the apocalypse comes, Chris Simms looks like the kind of guy that will volunteer himself to be some warlord’s fuck-slave.

blackroseMD1

Oh look…Melvin Gordon apparently learned how to play football between the last pre-season game and today.

He just broke off a sick run for a (possible) TD.

WCS

Not sure how it ended, but, 34-31 Street Louis is the final.

Spanky Datass
Spanky Datass

Beast-Mode fail on fourth down run. NO SKITTLES!

synapticmisfires
synapticmisfires

To be fair, the play sucked.

His Right Honorable Lord Lordship the Lordly

Ah fuck you Pete.

Horatio Cornblower

what happened in the Seattle game?

ThePirateSloth
ThePirateSloth

Darrell Bevell happened

His Right Honorable Lord Lordship the Lordly

Seattle stopped 4 & 1 around the Rams 40.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Something something jet fuel with controlled implosion.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace
Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Fuck you, Pete Carroll.

John Difool
John Difool

How do you say “your lease is up” in Germany?

Import a bunch of Muslims.

Thrillhouse
Thrillhouse

Was that a draw?

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

The shotgun draw – guaranteed 2 yard loss.

synapticmisfires
synapticmisfires

Not true. Sometimes if you really need 20 yards, you can gain 10 on a draw. The point is, you’ll never, ever gain enough. Ever.

Mother Puncher
Mother Puncher

Very tricky Oakland. Trying to fool the Bengals into thinking they’re playing baseball.

Lothar of the Hill People
Lothar of the Hill People

So I’ve had a decent day. It’s gorgeous outside, got a lot of work done around the house, kids haven’t beaten me up too badly, and even the wife has been only about 10% as passive-aggressive as normal.

I mean, nothing to write a 5,000 PK opus about, but a day that doesn’t feel like a colossal waste of time.

Then, for no reason, I’m having awful heartburn and just when I break down and take a zantac, I’m sitting in my kid’s bean bag chair with a drink in one hand and have a freakishly snotty sneeze that comes out of nowhere and ends up in my hand. And I can’t get out of the bean bag chair because it’s like 2 inches off the floor and I have both hands full.

So, pretty much a day just like the Bears had.

synapticmisfires
synapticmisfires

Then James Jones shows up, tips over the bean bag, and pours your drink on your head.

Lothar of the Hill People
Lothar of the Hill People

Yeah, he’s nothing special. Just the best QB in the league makes him look like an all-pro.

synapticmisfires
synapticmisfires

I agree, but as a Bears fan who owns Cobb in one league and Adams in another, fuck him.

Horatio Cornblower

Sauvage cologne: When you want to smell like Johnny Depp after digging a hole in the desert.

Lothar of the Hill People
Lothar of the Hill People

Yeah, I saw that commercial and thought, “who wants to smell like a hippy smoking patchouli?”

Mother Puncher
Mother Puncher

Chris Simms’ announces like he’s reading a script for the first time. He sounds like he’s in a middle school play called “The Football Game”.

King Hippo

My happiness in seeing the Donks in full without leaving the house (I fucking HATE the outside world) is always tempered by the 97% likelihood of Pheeeel and Jeeeeeem.

Horatio Cornblower

There’s more spleen in the this comment than Chris Simms has in his body.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace
Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Like father, like son.

JustStopDude
JustStopDude

Joe Flacco is doing different things this season. For example, his wife is no longer cutting his hair with a flowbee.

John Difool
John Difool

Pete Carroll chewing his gum so hard right now if you hooked some copper wires up to his teeth you could take down ever single wind turbine in Washington.

Horatio Cornblower

I’m still not drinking Miller Lite at gun point but that Aikman “I dwell in the past” ad is pretty good.

blaxabbath

Hey look, the one Saints fan shown on TV is a Kim Davis avatar with a Geaux Saints sign.

WCS

comment image

Mother Puncher
Mother Puncher

Oh joy, Phil Simms’ inbred fuckboy son is announcing the Bengals game.

Lothar of the Hill People
Lothar of the Hill People

Yeah, but his spleen is announcing for the CFL.

King Hippo

Had Seattle recovered the kick, could they win with a FG since they kicked off? Or is it still the first possession due to trickeration (ie, no turnover) and a TD is needed?

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

That counts as a Rams possession. So they could have won with a FG. Rams can’t end it with a FG.

synapticmisfires
synapticmisfires

That’s actually pretty clever then. If you feel your redzone defense is strong/ their redzone offense is less than stellar, it’s a bit of a risk but a higher upside than simply deferring and kicking it deep.

hippofant
hippofant

Yes. It counts as the Rams having a chance to possess, and any score wins.

synapticmisfires
synapticmisfires

Every other official on the crew was yelling at Triplette to change that call. But yes…”kudos to Jeff Triplette…and his crew”.

JustStopDude
JustStopDude

Since I can actually watch the Ravens play, its a given they will be beaten worse than Ray Rice’s wife.

King Hippo

I certainly hope so, but think NAWT.

fleshwound_NPG
fleshwound_NPG

First time kommenting on DFO, enjoying the auto-refresh.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Glad to hear it! We went through a few iterations, and I want to change the look of the comment box, but I’m glad it’s working for you.

WCS

Fleshwound!

Moonbatting Average
Moonbatting Average

Welcome back to the asylum

WCS

THROW IT TO AUSTIN

Horatio Cornblower

Severe T-Storms headed my way folks. Might hear some loud noises!

God I hate our local weather people.

Moonbatting Average
Moonbatting Average

That was a hell of a catch by Bailey/throw by Foles

ThePirateSloth
ThePirateSloth

Fuck. Darrell. Bevell.

laserguru

As a Vikings fan I can whole heartedly endorse this comment.

John Difool
John Difool

Legion of Derp

blaxabbath

Wait — can onside kicks melt steel beams?

King Hippo

How, perchance, will the Rams fuck this up?

hippofant
hippofant

DERP.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Isiah Pead will be prominently involved.

Lord Joe Don Looney
Lord Joe Don Looney

yet, if it was a fair catch, can the returner be hit?

Moonbatting Average
Moonbatting Average

I was wondering that as well

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Right? That should have been a penalty, but Jeff Triplette is fucktarded.

King Hippo

yeah, where was the late hit then?

Thrillhouse
Thrillhouse

That’s a heady play. He deserves a hard slap on the ass.

His Right Honorable Lord Lordship the Lordly

That’s is a crock of shit

blaxabbath

Wait, Manziel played?!
I had him on my bench!

Romonobyl

Depends on your definition of ‘played’.

Mother Puncher
Mother Puncher

Mike Pettine just said the same thing

blaxabbath

ESPN says he is Johnny Fucking Touchdown.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Wait, what? He just made that the fuck up.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Jeff Triplette moment.

laserguru

Yet another game day tradition, brother number 3 is a Saints fan and he brings some Popeyes chicken on game day. Nothing wrong with that.

His Right Honorable Lord Lordship the Lordly

Oh, Pete gone batshit.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Seattle surprise onside kick surprised the kickoff team

fleshwound_NPG
fleshwound_NPG

me 2014: bears look good, could make the super bowl

[loses week 1 to buffalo]

me 2015: colts look good, could make the super bowl…….

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

I was just informed that the Rams official game program has an ad for United Van Lines. Probably for a discount on moving rates.

Thrillhouse
Thrillhouse

Oh hey John Brown, on my bench I see.

WCS

JJ Watt’s hard work and determination is what really made that kick good.

Romonobyl

Don’t forget all the wood-choppin’!

Senor Weaselo

John Brown goes marching on.

Moonbatting Average
Moonbatting Average

I applaud your choice of banner pic, sir!

Romonobyl

Agreed…but looks like more maintenance than a space shuttle.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Rams just lost a DE – BRING IN MICHAEL SAM AND THE DISTRACTIONS

Moonbatting Average
Moonbatting Average

Is that his band’s name?

Bloody Lethal
Bloody Lethal

Big Ben and The Stalls

Senor Weaselo

Geno Smith and the Jawbreakers.

Bloody Lethal
Bloody Lethal

Aaron Hernandez and the Chains.

His Right Honorable Lord Lordship the Lordly

I like pants, but around here I’m rarer than a devout free-market Capitalist in the Politburo.

King Hippo

Fucking Bears, could have at least gone for two and got the backdoor cover.

Not THAT kind of backdoor, Aaron…

Bloody Lethal
Bloody Lethal

They don’t call it Loss Vegas for nothin.

blaxabbath

Is anyone actually even bothering trying to follow their fantasy teams today? Got more players than there are teams.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

I got a zero from Vinaiteri. Probably the most surprising point total ever.

King Hippo

I closed my money league window with that grabage LacyDOWN, and that Abdullah score assures me it will not be re-opened.

Got enough points from Rodgers and Kelce that I probably won;t have high enough waiver priority to get James Jones, though. I HATE FUCKING FANTASY.

blaxabbath

Hey all. Been tearing up carpet and painting doors this morning. Taking a break for NO at ARI now.

Senor Weaselo

Tearing up carpet, eh, wink, wink, nudge, nudge? Painting doors, say no more, say no more.

blaxabbath

Real live housework. It’s hot af around here.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Always a pleasure.

1 2 3 9