No Pants? No Problem. Your Early Slate of Games

Sunday! Sunday! Sunday! It’s here, it’s queer and it’s not going away. I don’t know what that means but it sounded good in my head. I hope everyone is prepared-feel free to tell us what you’re eating/drinking to celebrate this most wonderful of days. As for you guys and gals lurking out there, sign up, get in here and lose your dick joke virginity. No one is going to be shoved into a locker because Horatio reaaaaaaally likes it in there and is sure as hell not going to give it up at this point. [in superhero voice] TO THE GAMES!

GB vs Chi: Good news-Cutler had some new charisma dampeners installed during the offseason. It will influence his play in no way whatsoever. The Packers look to be headed to the NFC Championship even without Jordy and it starts with a win here.

KC at Hou: I’ll go out on a limb and say that the wideout TD drought ends today with a toss to Maclin. I think Kelce, the best tight end after the human TD machine that is Gronk, will grab one also. Houston has a problem-they are 2-12 without Foster and there is only so much that Hopkins can catch. Sounds like a losing formula.

Cle vs NYJ: After this game one team will have a head start on their inevitable descent to the basement of their division whereas the winner’s same path will be delayed by one game. I’m thinking the Jets follow the lead of their eventual starter at QB and take this one on the chin.

Ind vs Buff: 32 yr. old Gore’s last hurrah will take place in Indy. The guy has done remarkably well for someone who has blown out a knee, had major surgery on both shoulders and fractured a hip. The Tyrod Taylor Era begins in Buffalo. It will be characterized by sailing balls, long scampers, ugly low-scoring games and a 2nd place finish in the AFC East. Maybe.

Mia at Wash: Does anyone cheer for the Washington franchise any more? They’ve got a powerful stink coming off them these days. Here’s hoping Miami slaps Snyder into the 21st century.

Car vs Jax: The Jags perhaps maybe making incremental progress? (sentence sponsored by PK) Bortles looked better in the pre-season, there’s a new RB in town and Robinson, Lee and Hurns aren’t the worst set of wideouts in the league. (I think the Titans, Niners and Browns are fighting for that distinction) If Funchess works out the Panthers will have a devastating aerial attack next year but I’m told there are still some games to be played in 2015.

Sea at StL: Business as usual for the ‘Hawks. I remain surprised that coach Carroll has been able to sustain this amount of success after the debacle that was his tour as leader of the Jets. One of the stars of a snarky post I did about “breakout” fantasy players may get the start at RB for the Rams. Step up to the mic Benny Cunningham and try not to trip on the way. The Rams are 3-17 against Seattle the last ten years. Ouch.


EDIT: The afternoon games thread is LIVE.

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“I have access to every single brain cell. Wait, where am I?”

— Trent Green



Doktor Zymm

Dammit, I knew I should have sat Gore. On the plus side the bar accidentally gave me two beers.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace
Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Fuck you Pete Carrol

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris
His Right Honorable Lord Lordship the Lordly

Damn what’s with Jeff Fisher and Seattle.


My liver needs to know this too

Moonbatting Average
Moonbatting Average

Thank FSM for Lacy GarbageTimeDown

Doktor Zymm

It could have been worse. They did just well enough to set me up for hope and dissapointment in future games.

John Difool
John Difool

It was the Dolphins at home. Probably our best shot at actually winning a game all season.

Horatio Cornblower

Coming up next, Horatio takes a shower to shut his wife up and get ready for the second games; I’m Bryant Gumble, and I’m being overcome by the fumes.



Sorry for your loss Frau Doktor.
Not sorry that Washington lost.
I guess I’m sorry that you chose that particular team.


Fat guy scores

Lord Joe Don Looney
Lord Joe Don Looney

Towels are not part of the body.

Hair is part of the body.

The more you know . . .


Oh god I love watching the [*Redacteds] fail. Game on the line…3rd and 7…and they cannot stop a run up the middle.

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