No Pants? No Problem. Your Early Slate of Games

Sunday! Sunday! Sunday! It’s here, it’s queer and it’s not going away. I don’t know what that means but it sounded good in my head. I hope everyone is prepared-feel free to tell us what you’re eating/drinking to celebrate this most wonderful of days. As for you guys and gals lurking out there, sign up, get in here and lose your dick joke virginity. No one is going to be shoved into a locker because Horatio reaaaaaaally likes it in there and is sure as hell not going to give it up at this point. [in superhero voice] TO THE GAMES!

GB vs Chi: Good news-Cutler had some new charisma dampeners installed during the offseason. It will influence his play in no way whatsoever. The Packers look to be headed to the NFC Championship even without Jordy and it starts with a win here.

KC at Hou: I’ll go out on a limb and say that the wideout TD drought ends today with a toss to Maclin. I think Kelce, the best tight end after the human TD machine that is Gronk, will grab one also. Houston has a problem-they are 2-12 without Foster and there is only so much that Hopkins can catch. Sounds like a losing formula.

Cle vs NYJ: After this game one team will have a head start on their inevitable descent to the basement of their division whereas the winner’s same path will be delayed by one game. I’m thinking the Jets follow the lead of their eventual starter at QB and take this one on the chin.

Ind vs Buff: 32 yr. old Gore’s last hurrah will take place in Indy. The guy has done remarkably well for someone who has blown out a knee, had major surgery on both shoulders and fractured a hip. The Tyrod Taylor Era begins in Buffalo. It will be characterized by sailing balls, long scampers, ugly low-scoring games and a 2nd place finish in the AFC East. Maybe.

Mia at Wash: Does anyone cheer for the Washington franchise any more? They’ve got a powerful stink coming off them these days. Here’s hoping Miami slaps Snyder into the 21st century.

Car vs Jax: The Jags perhaps maybe making incremental progress? (sentence sponsored by PK) Bortles looked better in the pre-season, there’s a new RB in town and Robinson, Lee and Hurns aren’t the worst set of wideouts in the league. (I think the Titans, Niners and Browns are fighting for that distinction) If Funchess works out the Panthers will have a devastating aerial attack next year but I’m told there are still some games to be played in 2015.

Sea at StL: Business as usual for the ‘Hawks. I remain surprised that coach Carroll has been able to sustain this amount of success after the debacle that was his tour as leader of the Jets. One of the stars of a snarky post I did about “breakout” fantasy players may get the start at RB for the Rams. Step up to the mic Benny Cunningham and try not to trip on the way. The Rams are 3-17 against Seattle the last ten years. Ouch.

 

EDIT: The afternoon games thread is LIVE.

https://www.doorfliesopen.com/index.php/2015/09/13/taste-the-pants-free-lifestyle-your-late-games-open-thread/

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WCS

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Horatio Cornblower

+1 Trail of tears running down my cheeks from laughing.

BobPoppa

The Bears are going to lose to the Packers by 8. THE BEARS ARE ONLY GOING TO LOSE BY 8!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOO HOO!

BobPoppa

Nevermind.

...

Fuck it.

Fuck it all.

Doktor Zymm

How have I not learnt my lesson about having hope?

John Difool

Snyder Wars Episode IV: Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter Here

Horatio Cornblower

“Chan Gailey has accomplished what he wanted to accomplish”

Great, there goes all our secure computer information.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

That must be what happened here Thursday!

Romonobyl

At least now I’ll have an excuse next time my Amex is declined.

Stabby Pants

Thursday Night Football’s official motto should be “Eh, it’s football…”

ThePirateSloth

I love listening to nonfootball people attempt to talk football, especially when they can’t tell the jerseys apart

Thrillhouse

Kenny Britt is still in the league? That’s something.

Horatio Cornblower

I might have started him on my team in Sill’s insane 20 team league. Or maybe it was Kenny Stills; I’m not really sure who’s on the team.

Thrillhouse

You guys are sadists. Fun sadists, but sadists nonetheless.

John Difool

Ladies and Gents, the Kirk Cousins era in Washington:
You may as well just go pick up that pack of razors, forget the cake-mix and cut to the chase.

Senor Weaselo

Up 21, under 5 left, let’s see if the Jets can fuck this up.

Romonobyl

No overtime required in this factory.

Romonobyl

Wrong comment…oops.

Stabby Pants

Probably not. Their top failmaker is sidelined with a broken jaw.

WCS

Even when it isn’t JFF’s fault, the Factory maintains maximum Sadness output.

...

Bears struggle all game, Cutler fucks up in a critical point, meatheads bleat endlessly.

Same as it ever was.

King Hippo

The end of Hoyer Country?

Romonobyl

Catler is doing an excellent late season Tony Romo impression.

Stabby Pants

No blitz anticipation, miscommunication, wobbly throw. The skins offense firing on all cylinders.

Romonobyl

Clay Fukkin’ Matthews….

Thrillhouse

And like clockwork, Cutler delivers on the game ending interception.

acmegoesboom

Thorception!

WCS

CATLERCEPTION

Stabby Pants

The skins are deciding if they want to get tackled short of the first, throw it incomplete, or throw the pick. Or run it up the middle, because Jay Gruden.

Romonobyl

So what game so far qualifies as good old fashioned smash-mouth football?

King Hippo

Jax/Car. No live RZ cut-ins the whole 2nd half!

Gatoraids

Skins fins good Ole fashioned slap nuts football

King Hippo

Come on, Bears. At least cover for me. And throw to Royal, goddamnit.

John Difool

Jay Gruden telling a qb they earned the right to be in a spot is almost like a German soldier telling someone they earned a right to be in a boxcar.

WCS

I probably shouldn’t have laughed as hard as I did reading that.

Horatio Cornblower

This has to be in the early running for the top line comment next week.

Horatio Cornblower

Jay Cutler prepares for this crucial 4th quarter drive…

http://media.giphy.com/media/GuUw0ytYvxd8Q/giphy.gif

ThePirateSloth

Swiggity swooty……..

Horatio Cornblower

Eddie Lacy, WR is pretty hilarious.

King Hippo

That’s the Rams we all know and don’t really love but have come to accept for who they are.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Pretty top notch gag job, right?

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Like, Sasha Grey level gagging.

King Hippo

YUP!

ThePirateSloth

/faps anyways

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Never change Foles

Stabby Pants

Alright, thats it. Just shut the Browns down for the rest of the season. No one needs to see this shit.

ThePirateSloth

The “leave wallet, drink, and bacon guy” is just an aloof, ladies gardening hat wearing (with a flower!), acoustic guitar playing, “alternative thinking”, eccentric musician.

Ladies love him and men want to BE him!

John Difool

Sensitive Elliot

Depending on where you live, that last statement could be completely accurate.

Horatio Cornblower

Portlandia 2: The Seattle Years

Senor Weaselo

As a not-guitarist, every time I see one of those guys I want to smash said guitar over their head. Repeatedly.

Romonobyl

Sounds like any given Sunday in Austin.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

If the Jets aren’t bad, what are we going to laugh about?

Oh yeah, the Browns still exist.

Senor Weaselo

JFFumble 2: Boogaloo Cancelled Due to Sadness

Moonbatting Average

In the Bears/Packers game, Buck just called that a “defensive stand’. Looked more like “offensive derp” to me

Senor Weaselo

It’s Joe Buck, what’d you expect?

blkeskimo1785

Johnny Fucking Football, everybody!

Horatio Cornblower

Manziel’s game is kind of like a reverse ugly ducking. Started out as a gorgeous swan and just getting uglier by the possession.

WCS

Christ, Manziel blows.

John Difool

[*Redacted] s finding new and creative ways to fuel my alcoholism…. didn’t think that was possible at this late stage in my life.

...

Another long drive resulting in a fucking field goal?

Holy shit! Wait, they’re going for a TD!

GODDAMN IT

Col. Duke LaCross

As much as I hate that they’re going to lose this one, I feel about a hundred times better about this season’s prospects than I did three hours ago.

ProzacElf

Crisis averted. We can now safely ignore the Bears the rest of the season.

...

Another long drive resulting in a fucking field goal?

Holy shit! Wait, they’re going for a TD!

GODDAMN IT

Stabby Pants

Is it Colt McCoy time?

laserguru

For the record I’m not wearing pants.

Moonbatting Average

Duly noted

Romonobyl

We know, might want to disable your webcam.

Horatio Cornblower

I’m wearing shorts, does that count?

Senor Weaselo

But did they want to Ram it?

ProzacElf

Bears did a good?!? And what’s a Marquise Wilson?

King Hippo

Turns out Cousins kinda sucks too.

WCS

BUT COOCH HE’S NOOT ONE OF THOOOSE PEOPLE COOCH!

Stabby Pants

It’s nice that the Jets finally get to feel like what it’s like to beat up on a criminally incompetent team. Usually, they are on the receiving end of that.

Smithchez

This concept of Jets competence confuses and INFURIATES me!

His Right Honorable Lord Lordship the Lordly

Hey they were pretty competent the first 90 minutes last season and we know how that ship turned out.

Senor Weaselo

Wooo, I think.

makeitsnowondem

Moving is still a pain in the ass.

Horatio Cornblower

Better call Ape.

Senor Weaselo

Ivorydown!

WCS

WOOOOOOOOOOOO

John Difool

Factory of Sadness is already taken so I vote being the Skins represent D.C. they become known as ‘The Department of Groanland Affairs’

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Isiah Pead The Bed.

WCS

Two things regarding Mauldin:

1.) It really didn’t look like too big or bad of hit.
2.) He didn’t give the thumbs-up as they wheeled him out.

Horatio Cornblower

The hits that look like nothing seem to be the ones that do the worst damage. Let’s hope that isn’t the case this time.

Moonbatting Average

They sent him right to the hospital. Really not good