Balls of Steel
I thoroughly enjoyed my first winning week of this year even if the Titans-Colts game was a bit of a rollercoaster. I’ll take the squeaker win and move forward.
This week, there is only one game I like and I can’t believe I am actually going to go through with this bet. For a long time, I’ve profited off the Raiders by betting against them. It’s been a good solid strategy as the Vegas casinos tilt the lines because dumb Raider fans stream in from Southern California on the weekends, take up all the rooms (8 per room, mind you) at the Motel 6, puke along the strip, and bet their hard-earned drug-dealing money on the Silver and Black because RAAAIIIIIIIIDERRRRRRRSSSSS!!!!!!
This year is different. This year there is a whiff of respectability around this team. Mind you, they may not be good good, but they’re good enough to beat the tire/dumpster fire (H/T to Zymm for that imagery) that is the Chicago Bears. I don’t see how the Bears score more than 10 points and the Raiders should be good for at least two TDs. Their fans are good for three or more STDs. Take the Raiders minus the 3. Stakes: $11 to win $10.
WhyEaglesWhy
I’ve had two winning weeks in a row, which means that it’s probably time for my house of cards to come crashing down. I don’t like a lot of the games this week, but I do like one. Unfortunately for my compatriots, it is the Raiders. Sorry boys, it means we’re probably all tanking this week.
Raiders -3 over BEARS – I’m a little bit afraid of this one because the Raiders have looked good two weeks in a row, and it would be just like them to trick us all. But they’re playing the Bad News Bears this week. Frankly, I think the Bears would be better off with Tatum O’Neal playing QB instead of Jimmy Clausen. Stakes: $11 to win $10.
DTZM
Hey hey Commentists, I’m back. Hopefully, you weren’t too disappointed to not know exactly the wrong picks to make last week, but this week I’ve got a bit of a surprise. A friend of mine took pity on me, and he’s going to pick 2 games with me. So here’s FOUR WHOLE PICKS, at least two of which (mine) are as sure to be wrong as anyone who still likes Bill Cosby or Chris Brown.
OK, let’s start with mine.
Jaguars +9 OVER INDIANAPOLIS – Here’s how you start a comeback, betting on the Jagwires. THIS IS WHERE IT STARTS. Look, this line is insane for a mediocre, poorly constructed Colts team that is just now figuring out that they didn’t get 2009 Andre Johnson and Frank Gore. Ryan Grigson is the most inexplicably untouchable GM in the business right now. It’s like he has an owner that could be easily blackmailed, or has some kind of problem that could be exploited.
Jacksonville, on the other hand, has fun receivers, a fast, aggressive defense, and Balke Bortles, which is a fun name to say after 8-12 beers. Fighting Bortleseseses take advantage of the poorly-built IKEA shelf that is the Colts, and win it outright. Bet $22 to win $20
Raiders -3 over BEARS – I’m nothing if not a get-along guy, so I’ll bet on the Raiders too. I mean, Jimmy Claussen. Announcers will say Jimmy Claussen upwards of 100 times Sunday. He will take snaps, throw passes, and generally look, as he has for much of his NFL career, like somebody’s little brother that they let play out of pity. It’s hard to bet on the Raiders, who get a pass because Ice Cube looked like a badass in their hat 30 years ago and they get to hide in the tremendous derp shadow of the Cleveland Broken VCR’s, but this week, it’s a no-brainer. Which explains why I have also picked them, because I have no brain, per my earlier picks. Also, Mark Davis looks like a shaved Dr. Zaius. $11 for $10
For my special guest, welcome Mr Plow to the Commentist Party! He’s an old friend of mine, so be nice, you bunch of degenerates.
Kansas City +4.5 over Cincy
Giants +5.5 over Bills
Both of these games actually get pretty similar previews. Cincinnati and Buffalo are both teams that are feeling way too good about themselves. Peter King has stapled himself to both of their bandwagons, waddling a 5K from Montclair, NJ, hitting 8 Starbucks on the way, and that’s a sure sign that their seasons are going to hell. When he plopped his fat ass onto the wagon, he was shocked that they gave away his first class quiet car seat to a non-Starwoods Rewards member and he had to ride in the BUSINESS CLASS with the other corporate shmoozes that lick the NFL’s taint. After he found his seat between two overweight, unemployed gents, unsure of which was from Buffalo and which from Cincinnati he asked a general question aloud: “Who wants to hear 10 things I think I think?” After the Cincy native pulled his moustache from his Chili 5-way and the buffalo native regurgitated a chicken wing, they each proceeded to take turns beating the self proclaimed book oracle with his own belt. This week comes the reckoning. I’m so confident that both of these teams are in for a fall that I’m betting on Alex Smith and Eli Manning. Since I’m betting DTZM’s fake cash, make it $55 for $50 on KC and $22 for $20 on the Giants.
King Hippo
Having gone 1-4 on my wretched picks, I am remarkably fortunate that my wagering levels leave me down only $5 in juice.
I have lost with Oakland, Jacksonville, and the fucking Bears (twice!). I won the one and only time I backed a real team, New England. Certainly I have learned my lesson, yes?
That lesson is to always bet $55 to win $50 when on tilt. IT FEELS GOOD.
And this week I bet it like in Week Two, on a road favourite. RAIDERS -3 over Bears. Certainly everyone in that locker room has to feel like they are on board the S.S. Titanic, right? And they are being led into battle by some sort of emu/ferret hybrid who I bet smells kind of weird, too. Mark my words, Clausen will be creeping around a Northern Virginia Safeway in 15 years trying to lure victims into some varietal of Amway pyramid scheme (shudders from flashback to the 18 months I spent environmental lawyering in DC and living in Springfield, VA before learning how to do something more practical and boring so I could get the fuck out of there).
Updated tables:
Name Balls of Steel Initial Bankroll: 200
Pick # Favorite Underdog Line Wager Winner? Winnings Bankroll Balance
1 San Diego Detroit 3 11 Y 10.00 210.00
2 Minnesota San Francisco 2.5 11 N -11.00 199.00
3 Tennessee Cleveland 1 11 N -11.00 188.00
4 Philadelphia Dallas 5.5 11 Y 10.00 198.00
5 New York Jets Philadelphia 2.5 11 Y 10.00 208.00
6 Indianapolis Tennessee 3 11 Y 10.00 218.00
7 Oakland Chicago 3 11 -11.00 207.00
Name WhyEaglesWhy Initial Bankroll: 200
Pick # Favorite Underdog Line Wager Winner? Winnings Bankroll Balance
1 Denver Baltimore 4.5 11 N -11.00 189.00
2 Houston Kansas City 1 11 Y 10.00 199.00
3 Carolina Houston 3 11 N -11.00 188.00
4 NY Giants Atlanta 3 11 Y 10.00 198.00
5 Philadelphia Dallas 5.5 11 Y 10.00 208.00
6 Cleveland Oakland 3.5 11 Y 10.00 218.00
7 Miami Buffalo 3 11 Y 10.00 228.00
8 Oakland Chicago 3 11 -11.00 217.00
Name King Hippo Initial Bankroll: 200
Pick # Favorite Underdog Line Wager Winner? Winnings Bankroll Balance
1 Green Bay Chicago 7 22 N -22.00 178.00
2 Cincinnati Oakland 3 11 N -11.00 167.00
3 New England Buffalo 1 55 Y 50.00 217.00
4 New England Jacksonville 13.5 11 N -11.00 206.00
5 Seattle Chicago 14.5 11 N -11.00 195.00
6 Oakland Chicago 3 55 -55.00 140.00
Name Darkest Timeline Zack Morris Initial Bankroll: 200
Pick # Favorite Underdog Line Wager Winner? Winnings Bankroll Balance
1 Seattle St. Louis 4.5 11 N -11.00 189.00
2 Denver Baltimore 4.5 11 N -11.00 178.00
3 Baltimore Oakland 5.5 11 N -11.00 167.00
4 New Orleans Tampa 5.5 11 N -11.00 156.00
5 Indianapolis Jacksonville 9 22 -22.00 134.00
6 Oakland Chicago 3 11 -11.00 123.00
7 Cincinnati Kansas City 5.5 55 -55.00 68.00
8 Buffalo Giants 4.5 22 -22.00 46.00
Holy shit, we’re all taking the Raiders this week!
Apparently Cutler is a game-time decision. Watch him be able to play and then light up the Raiders like a tire/dumpster/Washington fire.
Then watch Chicago collectively lose its shit because all the Cutler-haters and Claussen-lovers will be conflicted.
Seriously? Fuck us!
I love it when Balke Bortles does the dance of joy!
Their fans are good for three or more STDs. Take the Raiders minus the 3.
Are we not doing “PHRASING” anymore?
Color me surprised. I figured it would be all St. Louis Cardinals.
#BFIB
http://blogs.denverpost.com/rockies/files/2015/10/selfies-495×355.jpg
Yeah, this is on the wrong post. Sigh.
Oh, Cuntler, at least your Bears are…
oh, sorry.
This picture is never on the wrong post.
I’m trying to refrain from screaming “WOOOOOO GO CARDS WOOOOOOOOOOO” at everyone I see today. Luckily, I work at home, alone, so it’s easy. I only yelled it at the mailman and a Jehovah’s Witness.
If you want to keep the Jehovah’s Witnesses away permanently, a much more effective way is to invite them in for a beer. Especially if you answer the door without pants.
Well, I am pantsless currently, hopefully they’ll come back.
Also, I’m sorry I haven’t had time to get back to you – real life has been crazy. We have a place for you here, though.
Don’t worry about that. I know you’re a busy guy, plus you’ve got to watch what us dumb-ass preverts do every second.
These girls are at a Cardinals game? Color me surprised – based on their facial expressions I had assumed they had come out to show their support for the Oregon Ducks.
They’re also about 100 double bacon cheeseburgers short of a typical load ,, no ofence.