Your “I Shall Binge Once Again!” Sunday Afternoon NFL Football Open Thread

So much sports of all kinds the last few days. I woke up this morning thinking that it had to be Monday and it was time to go back to the grind. That realization that one has another day off to do as one pleases is an exceptionally rare gift from the universe, isn’t it? How will I spend this time gift? I believe I shall hunker down after being approxiamately 10% productive chores-wise. It’s almost the least I can do. TO THE GAMES!

Ten/Chi-It was nice knowing you, Jay. Qb Matt Barkley gets his very first start today. Those fantasy owners that said, “Oh Christ, I have to pick Mariota as my backup? Great.” have been rewarded with six straight multiple touchdown games. Not bad. The Bears will be without pretty much every single difference-maker that you can barely think of. The Titans excel at getting their lb’s to the opposing qb-Orakpo and Morgan have combined for 17 sacks so far.

Jax/Buf-Sure looks like the Jags are getting a top 5 draft pick for the 6th(?) year in a row. Yippee-more talent to squander by a coach with a .244 career win record. Kidding-I’m sure he’s gone after the season. We here at DFO give certain fan bases crap all the time for good reason but if Bradley were in Philly he’d have been run out of town a year and a half ago and the team would have been better off for it. That said, if you squint real hard you can see improvement-the last few losses have all been by one score. Puppy steps, friends. The ever-jovial Rex Ryan recently blurfted a classic-“they’re the best 2 win team I’ve ever seen”. He said that. The Bills get wr Watkins and dl Dareus back today.

Cin/Bal-As is their way, these AFC North gearboxes have bumbled and stumbled through the middle portion of the sked. Cincy boasts a win over the Browns, a tie and three losses over their last five. Bally counters with their own win over Cleveland but balanced that out with a loss to the Jets. How will the Bengals score without wr Green and rb Bernard out is HC Lewis’ guess. And it will be a guess. If you have te Eifert, see if you can slot him into as many spots as possible. I wouldn’t take a chance with rook wr Boyd though.

Ari/Atl-Raise your paw if you knew that Arizony had the league’s best D yards per game-wise? [counts zero paws] I’m glad I’m not the only one. It should get better with the addition of safety Mathieu back. Those damn shoulder subluxations! Cb Peterson was torched (just like everyone else) for 189 yards the last time he ran into wr Jones but was dealing with an un-diagnosed diabetes condition. I can’t stress this enough-GO SEE YOUR LOCAL MASSEUSE IF YOU HAVE ANY SYMPTOMS!

NYG/Cle-Having had so many issues at the qb spot this year the Browns braintrust has come up with a Plan B should starter McCown get knocked out of the game. According to a trainer, a re-purposed tackling dummy has been outfitted with some grocery cart wheels and a JUGS football-throwing machine. “One of the wheels keeps sticking but we’re working on that-it still has 10% more mobility than today’s starter”, the trainer added. Upper management was quite pleased when the dummy’s agent settled for the league’s veteran minimum. “I haven’t been so happy to see a giant X on a contract since the last time Bernie Kosar was here” said a team official who wished to remain invisible until the end of the season. Only one Browns beat reporter was allowed to have a brief interview with the new backup. Stumpy McBumpkin of The Cleveland Plain Squeaker noted that the dummy was ‘stoic’ and ‘somewhat reserved’ in his demeanor but showed a great deal of poise. “It’s also quite clear that he’s picked up more of the playbook than Kessler has” Stumpy opined, “that might come in handy at some point-the team has tried almost everything else”.

LA/NO-Despite both these teams being 4-6 the headline tomorrow will read, SAINTS BLOW DOORS OFF HAPLESS RAMS TEAM.

SF/Mia-Miami’s 6-4 record is really surprising to me. I thought for sure they’d be 5-5. I guess that’s why they play the games, huh? I doubt rb Ajayi and company will have much trouble against a D that donates 31 points and 431 yards per game to the teams they get run over by.

SD/Hou-Quite the learning opportunity is presenting itself for the young qb Osweiler in this game. His 12/10 TD/INT stat indicates that he’s obviously mastered the misread, the throw into double coverage and the miscommunication. All that’s left is to master “the floater” and the league’s foremost practitioner will be strutting his stuff today. I expect that very soon “It just got away from me” will be a featured part of Osweiler’s post-game lexicon.

Not a lot to choose from in this window but it hasn’t stopped us before nor will it ever-DO THAT VOODOO THAT YOU DO!!!

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King Hippo

hats off to Kaep, he is a fucking warrior, even if something of a halfwit

King Hippo

c’mon, QB draw it

King Hippo

Sorry, Redshirt but no tOSU fan is allowed to bitch about officiating EVER AGAIN

Senor Weaselo

Wait, that’s two feet in.

Romonobyl

There’s a John Holmes joke in there somewhere.

...

You’ll have to look pretty deep.

...

Well the good thing is now Bears fans will think Barkley is a good QB because they deserve nothing good ever.

Shogun Marcus

We replaced the bears receivers hands with slabs of beef. Anyone notice?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Andy Reid noticed.

...

The Bears’ receivers have this one small deficiency where THEY CAN’T CATCH THE FUCKING BALL.

Redshirt

Huh. 10 counts of Holding to run out the clock?!

Fuck you Shield. Furiously. With vengence!

Dunstan

The Gingerhammer is not pleased.

JustStopDude

That was the funniest fucking ending to an NFL game EVER.

The Flag God is satisfied!

Senor Weaselo

Even the announcers don’t know what the rules are on a touchback.

blackroseMD1

Brocklobster interception was always how this game was fated to end.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It was the unstoppable force to San Diego’s late game collapse immovable object.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hahaha…hail bleergh.
Suck it Cincy.

theeWeeBabySeamus

That was funny as fuck.

King Hippo

MAXIMUM BLEERGH. SO BEAUTIFUL

blackroseMD1

How is laying down on a defender not considered holding?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Maybe he like likes him.

King Hippo

GUH Bellamy

...

Jesus that was right in the fucking numbers.

Col. Duke LaCross

Fucking frying pan hands.

Col. Duke LaCross

Chicago will score, Barth will miss the PAT by about twenty yards to the right because Shankor must be satisfied.

blackroseMD1

“There have only been three successful onside kicks this year…”

Bolts immediately allow one, because of course.

Shogun Marcus

Titans attempting to Factory.

Old School Zero

Guhhhh, Chargers.

...

The commentators in the Bears games are befuddled as to why the Bears are throwing the ball to the middle of the field with no timeouts.

Well, when you can get 20-25 yards per throw, it’s probably worth it.

King Hippo

oh noes, Bolts.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Fuck Gio Bernard.

theeWeeBabySeamus

And Cincy lined up in the neutral….looks like Gio took the Carolina can do no wrong to Cincy with him.
Fuckers.

evilbeaver8

Goodell: We need a player to help sell our cold weather merch. Who do people think of when they think of the cold? That’s right…get Brees in here.
Flack: Well sir, Drew Brees has spent his entire career in San Diego and New Orleans, and plays more than half of his games indoors.
Goodell: I SAID BREES.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Cool Brees. Get it?

evilbeaver8

No. Explain.

Dunstan

Oh Bengals.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Elvis, you sweet sweet fellow.
Suck it Cincy.

ThursdaySkyGoddess

That penalty was so Jaguras.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Howdy fuckers.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Blake Bortles must think it’s garbage time.

evilbeaver8

If you make the mistake of listening to the color commentary guys…you’d probably believe that every game is decided by which coach made the most motivational speeches during the week.

ThePirateSloth

Bortles… is not Bortlesing.

Senor Weaselo

Beckhamdown for real this time.

Doktor Zymm

The kicking practice net is so proud of him.

Dunstan

I think we have a new pull quote for the site.

Old School Zero

Same as it ever was.

Same as it ever was.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I think it would be awesome if the Chargers signed a defensive lineman named Charlie Youze so at some point during practice a coach could yell “Bosa! Youze! Get over here!”

...

I’m surprised Cutler hasn’t named any of his kids “Twatt Shetland.”

Doktor Zymm

“How did you get the measles?”
“Caught it off some Twatt”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

NOT DREW BREES TOUCHDOWN!!!

litre_cola

I shit you not, I have Willies Snead and Tim Hightower in my $$$ league. I was so pissed off with the transpirings of today thus far, and then that happened.

Romonobyl

I’ll bet Earl of Sandwich is Jared Fogle’s bitch-name in the joint.

Old School Zero

EYYYYYYYYYYY IT’S A JOEY BOSAAAAAAAAAAA!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I feel like-a all Joey Bosa comments should-a read-a like-a this.

Senor Weaselo

Someone tell the Giants’ D that you can’t play prevent D up two scores with ten minutes left, even if it is the Browns.