Your “I Shall Binge Once Again!” Sunday Afternoon NFL Football Open Thread

So much sports of all kinds the last few days. I woke up this morning thinking that it had to be Monday and it was time to go back to the grind. That realization that one has another day off to do as one pleases is an exceptionally rare gift from the universe, isn’t it? How will I spend this time gift? I believe I shall hunker down after being approxiamately 10% productive chores-wise. It’s almost the least I can do. TO THE GAMES!

Ten/Chi-It was nice knowing you, Jay. Qb Matt Barkley gets his very first start today. Those fantasy owners that said, “Oh Christ, I have to pick Mariota as my backup? Great.” have been rewarded with six straight multiple touchdown games. Not bad. The Bears will be without pretty much every single difference-maker that you can barely think of. The Titans excel at getting their lb’s to the opposing qb-Orakpo and Morgan have combined for 17 sacks so far.

Jax/Buf-Sure looks like the Jags are getting a top 5 draft pick for the 6th(?) year in a row. Yippee-more talent to squander by a coach with a .244 career win record. Kidding-I’m sure he’s gone after the season. We here at DFO give certain fan bases crap all the time for good reason but if Bradley were in Philly he’d have been run out of town a year and a half ago and the team would have been better off for it. That said, if you squint real hard you can see improvement-the last few losses have all been by one score. Puppy steps, friends. The ever-jovial Rex Ryan recently blurfted a classic-“they’re the best 2 win team I’ve ever seen”. He said that. The Bills get wr Watkins and dl Dareus back today.

Cin/Bal-As is their way, these AFC North gearboxes have bumbled and stumbled through the middle portion of the sked. Cincy boasts a win over the Browns, a tie and three losses over their last five. Bally counters with their own win over Cleveland but balanced that out with a loss to the Jets. How will the Bengals score without wr Green and rb Bernard out is HC Lewis’ guess. And it will be a guess. If you have te Eifert, see if you can slot him into as many spots as possible. I wouldn’t take a chance with rook wr Boyd though.

Ari/Atl-Raise your paw if you knew that Arizony had the league’s best D yards per game-wise? [counts zero paws] I’m glad I’m not the only one. It should get better with the addition of safety Mathieu back. Those damn shoulder subluxations! Cb Peterson was torched (just like everyone else) for 189 yards the last time he ran into wr Jones but was dealing with an un-diagnosed diabetes condition. I can’t stress this enough-GO SEE YOUR LOCAL MASSEUSE IF YOU HAVE ANY SYMPTOMS!

NYG/Cle-Having had so many issues at the qb spot this year the Browns braintrust has come up with a Plan B should starter McCown get knocked out of the game. According to a trainer, a re-purposed tackling dummy has been outfitted with some grocery cart wheels and a JUGS football-throwing machine. “One of the wheels keeps sticking but we’re working on that-it still has 10% more mobility than today’s starter”, the trainer added. Upper management was quite pleased when the dummy’s agent settled for the league’s veteran minimum. “I haven’t been so happy to see a giant X on a contract since the last time Bernie Kosar was here” said a team official who wished to remain invisible until the end of the season. Only one Browns beat reporter was allowed to have a brief interview with the new backup. Stumpy McBumpkin of The Cleveland Plain Squeaker noted that the dummy was ‘stoic’ and ‘somewhat reserved’ in his demeanor but showed a great deal of poise. “It’s also quite clear that he’s picked up more of the playbook than Kessler has” Stumpy opined, “that might come in handy at some point-the team has tried almost everything else”.

LA/NO-Despite both these teams being 4-6 the headline tomorrow will read, SAINTS BLOW DOORS OFF HAPLESS RAMS TEAM.

SF/Mia-Miami’s 6-4 record is really surprising to me. I thought for sure they’d be 5-5. I guess that’s why they play the games, huh? I doubt rb Ajayi and company will have much trouble against a D that donates 31 points and 431 yards per game to the teams they get run over by.

SD/Hou-Quite the learning opportunity is presenting itself for the young qb Osweiler in this game. His 12/10 TD/INT stat indicates that he’s obviously mastered the misread, the throw into double coverage and the miscommunication. All that’s left is to master “the floater” and the league’s foremost practitioner will be strutting his stuff today. I expect that very soon “It just got away from me” will be a featured part of Osweiler’s post-game lexicon.

Not a lot to choose from in this window but it hasn’t stopped us before nor will it ever-DO THAT VOODOO THAT YOU DO!!!