So much sports of all kinds the last few days. I woke up this morning thinking that it had to be Monday and it was time to go back to the grind. That realization that one has another day off to do as one pleases is an exceptionally rare gift from the universe, isn’t it? How will I spend this time gift? I believe I shall hunker down after being approxiamately 10% productive chores-wise. It’s almost the least I can do. TO THE GAMES!
Ten/Chi-It was nice knowing you, Jay. Qb Matt Barkley gets his very first start today. Those fantasy owners that said, “Oh Christ, I have to pick Mariota as my backup? Great.” have been rewarded with six straight multiple touchdown games. Not bad. The Bears will be without pretty much every single difference-maker that you can barely think of. The Titans excel at getting their lb’s to the opposing qb-Orakpo and Morgan have combined for 17 sacks so far.
Jax/Buf-Sure looks like the Jags are getting a top 5 draft pick for the 6th(?) year in a row. Yippee-more talent to squander by a coach with a .244 career win record. Kidding-I’m sure he’s gone after the season. We here at DFO give certain fan bases crap all the time for good reason but if Bradley were in Philly he’d have been run out of town a year and a half ago and the team would have been better off for it. That said, if you squint real hard you can see improvement-the last few losses have all been by one score. Puppy steps, friends. The ever-jovial Rex Ryan recently blurfted a classic-“they’re the best 2 win team I’ve ever seen”. He said that. The Bills get wr Watkins and dl Dareus back today.
Cin/Bal-As is their way, these AFC North gearboxes have bumbled and stumbled through the middle portion of the sked. Cincy boasts a win over the Browns, a tie and three losses over their last five. Bally counters with their own win over Cleveland but balanced that out with a loss to the Jets. How will the Bengals score without wr Green and rb Bernard out is HC Lewis’ guess. And it will be a guess. If you have te Eifert, see if you can slot him into as many spots as possible. I wouldn’t take a chance with rook wr Boyd though.
Ari/Atl-Raise your paw if you knew that Arizony had the league’s best D yards per game-wise? [counts zero paws] I’m glad I’m not the only one. It should get better with the addition of safety Mathieu back. Those damn shoulder subluxations! Cb Peterson was torched (just like everyone else) for 189 yards the last time he ran into wr Jones but was dealing with an un-diagnosed diabetes condition. I can’t stress this enough-GO SEE YOUR LOCAL MASSEUSE IF YOU HAVE ANY SYMPTOMS!
NYG/Cle-Having had so many issues at the qb spot this year the Browns braintrust has come up with a Plan B should starter McCown get knocked out of the game. According to a trainer, a re-purposed tackling dummy has been outfitted with some grocery cart wheels and a JUGS football-throwing machine. “One of the wheels keeps sticking but we’re working on that-it still has 10% more mobility than today’s starter”, the trainer added. Upper management was quite pleased when the dummy’s agent settled for the league’s veteran minimum. “I haven’t been so happy to see a giant X on a contract since the last time Bernie Kosar was here” said a team official who wished to remain invisible until the end of the season. Only one Browns beat reporter was allowed to have a brief interview with the new backup. Stumpy McBumpkin of The Cleveland Plain Squeaker noted that the dummy was ‘stoic’ and ‘somewhat reserved’ in his demeanor but showed a great deal of poise. “It’s also quite clear that he’s picked up more of the playbook than Kessler has” Stumpy opined, “that might come in handy at some point-the team has tried almost everything else”.
LA/NO-Despite both these teams being 4-6 the headline tomorrow will read, SAINTS BLOW DOORS OFF HAPLESS RAMS TEAM.
SF/Mia-Miami’s 6-4 record is really surprising to me. I thought for sure they’d be 5-5. I guess that’s why they play the games, huh? I doubt rb Ajayi and company will have much trouble against a D that donates 31 points and 431 yards per game to the teams they get run over by.
SD/Hou-Quite the learning opportunity is presenting itself for the young qb Osweiler in this game. His 12/10 TD/INT stat indicates that he’s obviously mastered the misread, the throw into double coverage and the miscommunication. All that’s left is to master “the floater” and the league’s foremost practitioner will be strutting his stuff today. I expect that very soon “It just got away from me” will be a featured part of Osweiler’s post-game lexicon.
Not a lot to choose from in this window but it hasn’t stopped us before nor will it ever-DO THAT VOODOO THAT YOU DO!!!
Now that it’s FG territory, Brees can’t fucking think straight
Normal scoring, Gordon 4.2, Sills scoring Gordon 13.0
[looks at Rams/Saints score]
“Colour me Goffed!”
Mariota or Winston? I’d take Winston.
Not if he doesn’t take you first.
now go get Hippo a FG, Breesus Christ
We share a name but not ideals, I need a hightower something!!!
Rachel’s Ginger Beer is the best thing to come out of Seattle since Nirvana.
Booze? no booze?
No booze, but pairs well with all the booze. Their retail shops serve cocktails made with it.
Thanks Spur, I’ve now spent the last 10 minutes reading about Pizzagate.
And now I want to order some pizza.
You sick bastard!
I feel bad for the minimum wage employees at those two pizza joints that are getting stalked and threatened by the same fucking clowns that did this to the parents of children killed in mass shootings.
This idiots are scumbags.
The truth about Britta is revealed at last!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KiPwIH15-o0
Have a seat, right over there…
http://i.huffpost.com/gen/1824838/images/o-PAPA-JOHNS-facebook.jpg
Don’t worry Houston as long as you have Osweiler you have a chance.
A chance of what exactly?
Lexus Christmas Gift commercial.
Get your Che shirts and molotov cocktails ready.
Did you buy me one?
I know they are cheaper in America!
How much gas can you put in an empty Pabst Blue Ribbon bottle anyway?
As an announcer, Millen is uniquely qualified to talk about the lousiness of the Browns organization.
Hot Taek: Matt Millen is surprisingly competent at football related roles besides being an executive..
I mean, I didn’t see his tenure as a ref but I’m assuming he didn’t draft a receiver in the first round.
2nd and 30? NFL BLITZ!
That University of Phoenix degree paying off for Fitz.
A full 83% of their graduates can count to five!
The Factory continues to produce Sadness unabated.
At least they’ll never have to be concerned about outsourcing.
Matt Millen is all in on OBJ after he scored a TD.
For reals? He thinks that kid might be pretty good??
OBJ now has the official “Matt Millen Thinks I’m Good” seal of approval.
Guess who is playing against Drew Brees in fantasy today?
Litre_cola?
I am starting the Saints’ kicker, so he is kinda pissing me off, too.
Bosa is gone as soon as his contract is up. Guy is going to get paid.
Three years to go. Lots of time for San Vegelas to install ineptitude.
The near-side line judge in Youuuuuston has an ample backside. Just sayin’.
Things starting at QB in the NFL this week: a McCown, a Barkley, and a Tolzien.
No idea why ratings are down this season.
Love me that OBJ TD!
I’m entertained by the new Facebook ‘feature’ where they give you job listings for menial jobs in your area. Why yes facebook, despite you knowing that I already have a fancy schmancy office job, I totally want to work selling cupcakes for minimum wage!
They better be some good cupcakes.
“Is there an employee discount?”
– Andy Reid
Osweiller’s protection is about as effective as the rhythm method.
Seems the Ram It! D might have a few holes in it.
of course, everyone knew to start the Jags’ D on the road, right?
Has anyone else taken a look at that Pizzagate hype? I went down that rabbit hole last night. All of it is speculation and hazy connections but there is one thing that bothers me about this.
These are very powerful people having a clearly coded convesation using terms with connections to pedophilla. It’s numerous emails obsessing over pizza. That is not normal.
That whole thing is false, ain’t it?
The emails are from the Wikileaks dump. Wikileaks has never released fake dumps, overhyped, but never fake.
I am confused and am not sure if I want to go down that road. I love pizza.
There was a person connected to both Trump and the Clintons with a documented paedophile connection, but I can’t recall his name. Obviously, that bomb was never dropped because it would have obliterated both of them.
Does McCowns snap count actually end with “HURRY HURRY LET’S GO”?
That sounds more like something Ryan Leaf would say to Todd Marinovich after realizing the beeping noise he’s hearing is, in fact, a burglar alarm.
This is a DFO recurring segment if there ever were one.
Do you think ticket prices for Giants-Browns fell all the way to $5 or the floor held up at $6?
Jeremy Hill, ded?
How long does leftover gravy keep in the fridge?
Nobody knows; it’s never lasted long enough to go bad
If you open the fridge and it shouts “turn out the fucking light,” it’s probably not good any more.
How many Colts fans will have access to it?
Not sure about yours but Wavy Gravy is good for at least 80 years.
Lot of defense in that Saints/Rams game, I see.
Brock Lobster!
Ah Christ, Shannon Sharpe picked the Seahawks to win the Superb Owl.
Looks like I’m finding a new team to cheer for.
How could he pick them?! He can’t even pronounce the name of the city or the team!
but that applies to most, yeah?
To be fair, he said “Theehawkth,” so he may have meant something else.
Hello fellows, how are we? Checks clock, it’s noon, cracks bottle of red.
It appears that Giants-Browns is a battle of one-upsmanship. I have seen three plays because 22 Short Films About Springfield is on.
It’s actually one-downsmanship in this game.
Fun fact: “Twenty, too short” was Houston’s scouting report for Johnny Manziel.
https://youtube.com/watch?v=by2JRnU8Wxc
Blame it on the Rainey?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BI5IA8assfk
That was as much a forward pass as Ohio State got the first down yesterday.
I’d be curious to see the market research that shows a significant overlap between NFL fans and gamers who prefer JPRG titles like Final Fantasy. Can there really be that much of an overlap to justify the money spent on ads for Final Fantasy during NFL games?
Dude, people ROOT FOR THE BROWNS, JETS, JAGUARS, AND DOLPHINS. Of course there’s a hue overlap.
NFL Marketing Ad Exec: “Fantasy is only used in reference to fantasy sports these days, right? Sounds like great synergy with our brand!”
Police. Cops. Police Cops.
Almost Browns lateral derp!
Are we doing Goffuck yourself yet?
huzzah!
I’m angry at myself for not seeing this portmanteau sooner.
Rex Ryan just used his keen eye for feet to challenge a call
I benched Robinson too, so WIN THIS CHALLENGE!!
I don’t mean to be that guy that bitches about the over commercialization of Christmas…but someone has to say it…
Fucking Santa has completely fucking sold out.
I say we replace him with the Hogfather.
And Blitzen is a total alt-right Nazi
It’s not even the actual Jeebus’ birthday, so it was all commercial to begin with, so I feel completely justified in saying FUCK YOU to any and all who chastise me about getting into the “Christmas spirit.”
Plus…we’re all gonna die, and right soon.
Ravens push Bengals running back back at the 5, goal line, 5 yards in the endzone, backline, 1st row, concourse, gate, parking lot, I-395, the harbor, beach, international waters, beach….
Ref: “Alright, guys! Break it up!”
You wanna sell cereal to Eli Manning, you gotta pump the gas a little.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iVgMFY1JFGU
I find it funny that Amazon has their ‘subscribe and save’ feature for LED light bulbs.
Yes, Amazon, please send me one new LED light bulb every ten years.
While that subscribe and save is silly, it’s less morale-crushing than seeing the subscription options for condom deliveries.
/does math
/sighs
Folks.
Sup.
Yo.
I’ve got a lazy-ass mail carrier. They don’t actually deliver the mail every day their supposed to, and when they decide to take the day off they still mark packages as delivered, even though they won’t be showing up until probably Tuesday.
I have about three different carriers; my current favorite is the woman who literally RUNS from door to door as though chased by large, angry dogs.
Maybe she used to play QB for the Colts!
I want to ask what the deal is, but she seems really skittish, like a deer in the woods.
Where I used to live in Baltimore, I had to walk to the 7-11 to pick up my mail as the local branch of the postal service refused to continue service in our area.
Too many carriers were getting robbed for packages.
We get package thefts here, but no one robs the postal workers, they just pick up the packages when delivery people leave them outside of a secured area. Basically in the middle of the damn city sidewalk. And in part of Chicago’s crooked crime reporting, those aren’t considered thefts, since you never took possession of the package, so in their mind it isn’t yours yet.
A lot of drugs move through the mail…and i would imagine its greater now with the dark net markets.
Usually it was folks stealing medication and stuff, but also packages of heroin. Eventually the desperate junkies would just hold up a carrier….which was pretty stupid because its a felony.
That’s one union you don’t want to mess with unless you want a horse head stuffed in your mailbox.
Last week I had some batteries that were not delivered because supposedly my mailbox was obstructed. I have no idea what that mail carrier saw, but my mailbox looked no different than any other day I’ve checked it.
Also, my post office was once rated as the nation’s worst. In the 90’s, an investigation into missing mail found that someone was just dumping it somewhere and burning it.
MAKE THE POST OFFICE GREAT AGAIN
Actually, you might have the same post office I do. The one on Irving Park?
Post office is based on zip code, so probably not.
You aren’t in 60613?
I am not.
I think it cuts off at Montrose, you’re norther than that
You can punch zip codes in to Google maps and you’ll see the boundaries.
Every time Flacco scrambles, I hear him uttering a high-pitched “Ahh!” noise as he runs for his life.
Elite scramble.
I can’t believe how good Jared Goff looks against the…[realizes he’s playing against the Saints]…nevermind.
Granted, Siemian still looked like ass against ’em, so if he finishes with good #s I will owe him a mea culpa in the morning.
“When they go low, we get high.”
– Josh Gordon