I don’t have much in depth to say about the Saturday EPL fixtures. They’re all fucking shite. Ah, but Sunday. Sunday, bloody Sunday brings one of the most essential aspects of my Evertonian existence, the Merseyside Derby.

I will fucking spit at you if you call it the “friendly derby.” I have absolutely zero goddamned friendly feelings about the fucking redshite. Yes, I guess it’s a little different by European standards in that one can watch a match in a bar or ride back on the train and manage not to stab anyone…but that’s absence of sociopathy, not friendliness. Even on this side of the Atlantic, where my daily interactions with Liverpool supporters is minimal to say the least, I feel the rage. My oldest daughter’s major spring choral finale closed with “You’ll Never Walk Alone” and it made me visibly fume. Apparently, many grandparents were all weepy because that was a common graduation theme in their era…but mothafucka, that’s THE LIVERPOOL ANTHEM. I remember how happy I was when Steven Gerrard (forever now “Slippy G”) fell down on the pitch, leading to an easy goal that cost the Shite the League title two seasons ago. I feverishly logged onto my Everton forum (NSNO) and typed in simply “WALK ALONE, SHITE!”

My black heart grew three sizes that day.

Last season was a struggle for Everton. But Derby Day can make it all better. As usual, all seemed lost for the Blues at Anfield, until this stoppage time blinder from captain (and CB, no idea he had this in his locker at all, but FUCK IT, anything goes on Derby Day) Phil Jagielka:

Symmetrically enough, I had to drive that same kid to a recital and only had Radio Merseyside (on SiriusXM) for the fateful last 15 minutes. I screamed so loudly from the Meredith College parking lot, I’m surprised campus security wasn’t deployed. Thank God I didn’t stop the DVR in anger when the Toffees went down a goal right as we were about to leave.

It’s a tradition I wish university footy and the NFL would pick up on. Really adds a layer of intensity. The Commentist Party could come up with some clever names, I bet. I’ve been racking my brains to describe the Broncos/Raiders Derby properly, and it just ain’t happening.

Anyway, you have no excuse not to at least watch the first hour (before the Jets/Fins London shitshow starts), and see what it’s all about (8:30, NBCSN). Everton hosts this round, and it will be loud as fuck. We Evertonians are as terrified as Raider fans to be favoured going into this one. IT JUST FEELS WRONG, and more than a little ominous. But you know what? TIMES FUCKING CHANGE. And this Everton squad is really fucking good. Watch Gerard Deulofeu, Ross Barkley, and Romelu Lukaku. Those three are absolute magic together, when clicking.

Arsenal have reclaimed their cherished 4th place (think of that as their Horatio’s locker), and take on newly returned to top of the table Manure at 11 on Sunday (also NBCSN), depending on how bad the London shitshow gets.

Mmmmm…..conference play opens…

West By God Virginia at Oklahoma (Noon, FS1)

How is this game only on FS1, for fuck’s sake? And at noon, to interfere with my wolven angst? Disney and/or Murdoch humping fuckwits. In any event, I like the cousin fuckers to invade methworld and come out with a win as the world scratches its chin and is all like “interesting…”

Louisville at NC State (12:30, ESPN3/ACC Network)

Annoying that this game gets the shit coverage. Florida State/Wake gets feature treatment? Fucking REALLY?? In any event, my wolven sort had to kick co-leading RB Shadrach “Old Testament” Thornton off the team for like his 5th minor-to-medium off-field transgression this week. Forunately, he does not play QB or OL, so the republic should survive. NC State’s offense is legit, particularly QB Jacony Brissett and RB/FB/WR/TE TD Machine Jaylen Samuels don’t worry, too much melanin to become a gritty Greatriot one day). The Fightin’ Petrinos are always dangerous due to their coaching, but they lack the ability to strike at NC State’s weak point (leaky-ass secondary). It’s been raining buckets since the dawn of time in North Carolina, so the field conditions should make for fun viewing, despite the herculean efforts of our excellent turf and grass management department. I can go deeper into this infomercial if’n ya want.

Texas Tech at Baylor (3:30, ABC/ESPN2)

First to 70 wins! Pssst, it will totes be Baylor. I hope you saw the 4th quarter of TCU/TT last weekend, that shit was bananas. Big 12 footy is the tits. Well, not for the purists. But it’s like a nice midday ether binge.

Alabama at Georgia (3:30, CBS)

Roll Damn Tide is an underdog for the first time in like 83 games. BARF. And I am less hostile to Nick Saban’s brand of evil than most (say what you will, they ain’t Notre Dame, THEEE Ohio State, FSU, etc). But Jawja starts a castoff QB from a shit ACC school, so this may not end well for them. But I really, truly think Bama is cooked, at least for this season. They could easily lose this one, home to LSU, and at Starkville. How much Schaden-wanking could you do to a 4-loss Bama team? PAWWWWWLLLL?

Ole Miss at Florida (7:00, ESPN)

Florida may be the dullest 4-0 team in football (non-B1G/ACC edition). But Johnny Reb is quite interesting, especially with their post-Bama hangover game out of their system. Hopefully they will keep rolling until they meet Leonard Fournette and the 21 assholes he carries on his shoulders. That would make for a fun matchup if both remain unbeaten.

Notre Dame at Clemson (8:00, ABC)

Oh shit, the goddamned Irish really are gonna make Satan’s Final Four, aren’t they? It’s really up to Clemson to stop them, unless you trust the Men of Troy or a fucking Tree way more than I do. And as a longtime sufferer of ACC “football” I am all too familiar with the term “pulling a Clemson.” HINT – it’s not a good thing.

NO DVR GAME this weekend. Get up and watch the Merseyside Derby. Consider it an order. I KNOW WHERE YOU ALL LIVE.