In the wake of recent incidents where a potentially concussed Arian Foster was allowed to retake the field without clearing the concussion protocol and running back Bernard Pierce was observed trying to set a block when he was actually supposed to be tackling the runner, the NFL elected to revise the concussion protocol yet again to reduce confusion about player eligibilty.
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The Jacksonville Jaguars were a horrible joke, but [team] Doc[tor Kevin] Kaplan didn’t laugh until Bortles came to him one week later and pleaded again, without any real expectation of success, to be benched. Doc Kaplan smirked once and was soon immersed in problems of his own, which included Justin Blackmon, who had been challenging him all that morning to a drinking contest, and T.J. Yeldon, who decided right then and there to go crazy.
Bortles looked at him soberly and tried another approach. “Is Bernard Pierce concussed?”
“He sure looks like it,” Doc Kaplan said.
“Can you bench him?”
“I sure can. But first he has to ask me to put him through the concussion protocol. That’s part of the rule.”
“Then why doesn’t he ask you to?”
“Because he’s concussed,” Doc Kaplan said. “He has to be concussed to forget whether his team is kicking or receiving after having his bell rung like that. Sure, I can bench Pierce. But first he has to ask me to.”
“That’s all he has to do to be benched?”
“That’s all. Let him ask me.”
“And then you can bench him?” Bortles asked.
“No. Then I can’t bench him.”
“You mean there’s a catch?”
“Sure there’s a catch,” Doc Kaplan replied. “Catch-22. Anyone who has the presence of mind to think that he might be concussed isn’t concussed.”
There was only one catch and that was Catch-22, which specified that a concern for chronic traumatic encephalopathy in the face of dangers that were real and accumulated over the course of a player’s career was the process of a rational mind. Pierce had suffered brain damage and should be benched. All he had to do was ask to be put through the concussion protocol; and as soon as he did, it would be evident that his brain was functioning properly and he would have to play more downs. Pierce had to be insensible to want to subject himself to more hits and completely rational if he didn’t, but if he was lucid enough to ask to come out he had to get his malingering ass back out onto the field. If he played he was concussed and didn’t have to; but if he didn’t want to he was healthy and had to. Bortles was moved very deeply by the absolute simplicity of this clause of Catch-22 and let out a respectful whistle.
“That’s some catch, that Catch-22,” he observed.
“It’s the best there is,” Doc Kaplan agreed.
256th seems appropriate.
For the Jags on the Professional Sports’ Greatest Teams list.
I see what you did there.
http://33.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m7sozxadTV1qgepq0o1_500.gif
But it was a bit blurry and unfocused.
Have we completed anyone’s card in Classic Novel Parody Bingo yet? We have to be getting close.
“Wait, this is Classic Novel Bingo? I thought we were playing Truth or Dare!”– Lamar Odom, erasing the pencil mark he’d made to cross out “The Big Sleep”.
Goddamn.
Could have gone with Faulkner but that was too dark even for me. I really hope Odom ends up okay.
My ex-father-in-law is a fish.
Silky’s whore’s little sister kept hitting Allen Hurns over the head with a cleat. He kept giggling, and would never explain
Great, now I’m rooting with all my heart for Hurns to get traded to the Minnesota Vikings.
“Catch a 22? Pffft. Amateurs.” — Steve McNair
Speaking of booky-books-what is everyone reading?
Sorry about that-what is no one reading?
“Doubt: a history” by Jennifer Michael Hecht
Reads like a philosophy text book at times, but some pretty interesting stuff throughout history about what people believed or didn’t believe about matters spiritual.
Sweet! I was always hoping that someone would share the untold story of Jesus Jones!
The fact that I own this album is all the evidence I need that there is no God.
Bourbon bottle labels and “Mixology for Dummies”.
Just finished “The Politics of Rage” (book about George Wallace), now reading John Birmingham’s “Without Warning” because tales of the end of the world always cheer me up. Very interesting so far.
Recently finished “The Ungovernable City”, about John Lindsay’s time as Mayor of New York.
Excellent book for those of you who’ve read “Power Broker”.
About the promise and failure of idealism in a cold, hard world when you don’t know which levers to pull if you want to get shit done. Also, the birth and death of the early 60’s pragmatic idealism, leading to the navel gazing, and totally unrealistic goals and methods of the “New Left”.
Also, for those who loved the New York that Mad Men showed us, gives a nice look behind the scenes and at the underbelly of the city.
It covers NYC in detail from 1965 or so to 1973.
I’m reading “The Book of the New Sun” by Gene Wolfe. Really good so far.
I just finished rereading a science fiction book called Armor by John Steakley. It’s fairly light on the science part, and contains (in my opinion) some of the best actions scene put to paper.
I’m just about to finish Tim O’Brien’s “Going After Cacciato.” It’s a little different than the other couple of his that I’ve read but still pretty good.
I am actually in the middle of The Big Sleep. I didn’t read much until I discovered Harry Potter at 29 so I basically figure I have the rest of my life to make it through a middle school recommended summer reading list.
“The Scarlet Gospels” by Clive Barker. It’s the conclusion of the Hellraiser series. Lots of fun actually.
“Rikki’s got this double-speak stuff down cold.”
-Big Brother
Yossarian is a guiding spirit to us all. His motto in life; War on Clothes Off. To such a great man, I say; do you want some chocolate dipped cotton?
No, I do not want one of JaMarcus Russell’s old jerseys.
So apparently Peter King just teleported to the sun somehow: http://gizmodo.com/a-huge-gash-just-appeared-on-the-sun-1736960937
Major major major good stuff!
Holy fucking shit.