Your Early Slate Open Thread

Was @ NYJ: This game features two above average D’s that get it done differently. The Slurs blitz a league-low 11% of the time and the Jets a league-high 53%. QB-wise Cousins has two pick-sixes that have lost games and Fitz hasn’t cracked 1,000 yds yet and has 6 Int’s to go with his 64.5 QBR. TO THE RUN GAME! Ivory  is a tough, slug-it-out between the tackles type that usually doesn’t go down after first contact. No wonder he’s had so much trouble with injuries through his career. Morris is a slogger as well, averaging 3.1 ypc this month. Looks like an old-timey fight-it-out-in-the-trenches kind of game to me. I think the under on this game is 3.

Ari @ Pit: Vick has a dog’s breath QBR of 28-dead last in the league but you already knew that and the fact that this game depends on Bell. ‘Zona’s wins have come against NO, the Bears, the 9er’s and Detroit. So yeah, they can beat down their weaker brothers but this is a test I think they’ll fail. According to PFF, DE Heyward and LB Harrison are the 5th and 2nd best at getting QB disruptions at their respective positions. I’m glad to see the Hall of Fame Fitz is having a big bounce-back year-he’s averaging 8+ targets per game and making the most of them, having scored 6 TD’s already.

KC @ Min: In KC, if you look to the West there are Charcandrick’s as far as the eye can see. Most of the talk in that town centers around how exactly will Andy Reid mis-use him. I’m going with, “chews up significant yardage, gets into a groove and then is taken out of the game for seven minutes”. Meanwhile, no worries in Minny about AP-he just moved into 10th place all-time for RB TD’s. As we all know, Smith is faced with the blitz often on 3rd down and can’t handle it. He’s ranked 34th out of 35 qualifying QB’s with respect to QBR on that down-expect the Vikes to have a series of small get-togethers in the Chiefs backfield over the course of the game.

Cin @ Buf: Dalton is my “Five Games In” MVP. He’s racked up 1500+ yards, 11 TD’s with only 2 picks-he’s doing everything right at the moment. Soooo…needless to say, die-hard Bengal-backers are wondering when the other cleat is going to drop. The Bills should get McCoy back today after Boobie brought the 2.7 ypc thunder against the Titans last week. Hey Look!-over there under “Questionable” status, it’s Percy Harvin getting comfortable again. It looks like Manuel gets the start today-maybe he’ll play really well and the Bills will have a QB controversey on their hands? Nah.

Chi @ Det: Yards per pass attempt-wise you’re looking at the two worst teams in the league. Of course an argument could be made that you’re looking at the two worst teams, period. Let’s move on, shall we?

Den @ Cle: The Bronc’s have given up 79 points total so far this year-don’t expect too many more to be added to that total today. What’s got only one functioning arm and is using it to hang on for dear life? The Peyton, that’s what. His 77 QBR is 20 points below his career average. He should use that big noggin of his to figure out that this is his last year. I’ve turned the corner on Josh. He’s thrown for over 1200 yards (to the likes of Barnidge, Bowe, Hartline and Hawkins-though Benjamin has been a surprise) with just the one pick. That said, he’ll probably double that total to two after this game. The Brownies have numerous problems but the QB spot isn’t one of them.

Hou @ Jax: Speaking of doubling up, one of these teams will do so in the win column today. Hopkins is on fire-his 578 yards and 75 targets lead the league. The one game I saw (yeah, I watched a Texans game, come at me) he did whatever the hell he wanted to do on the field, no matter the coverage and with ridiculous ease. Hoyermallet will get the start though if history is any indicator, we may see some Mallethoyer. The Houston coaching staff is looking more and more like that girlfriend that can’t quite decide between the red dress or the green dress. Over at a Jax fan site they’re celebrating the fact that they’re favoured for the first time this year. Hug that one point close Lennie, I mean Jags fans, but not too tight unless you strangle it a la Of Mice And Men. I do think that a steady dose of Yeldon, Hurns and Robinson should get this done though.

Mia @ Ten: Titans have lost their last 7 home games. Ouch. Meanwhile, new coach Campbell had this to say upon being hired, “Miso excited about this opportunity to turn this team around. Rest assured we will play Miller a lot more-he’ll be ramen left, ramen right and ramen right up the middle. Landry will dashi up and down the field, no doubt about that. The D is going to be more aggressive-I’ll be calling for bisques from all directions. We’ve got to get the opposing QB to say to himself, ‘What The Pho?’ Okay, I’ve got to go and prepare my team, GAZPACHO, one and all!”

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Sill Bimmons

BUT CAN HE BLOCK

blaxabbath

Arizona is going to lose this football game.

The season is over.

It’s Morelli’s crew, he nevere wants to be at the game in the first place.

Whoops wrong comment.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

This makes no sense to me at all.

JustStopDude

Apparently the officials are just not call PI in the skins game.

Then again, maybe like the rest of us, they just want it over.

entropy

Wow. That was some kind of non-call.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I think it says it all that the announcer prefaces things with “don’t laugh” while showing how the Chiefs are back in the game.

Senor Weaselo

Chiefs… wide receiver… touchdown?

Somebody have one those Factory of Sadness technicians take a look at RoboManning.

entropy

Chris Ivory seems to be good at running.

makeitsnowondem

The Browns should play Dansby in 2TE sets. That guy has stupidly good hands.

WCS

Landry Jones is going to throw a pick-six in the Arizona endzone.

Sill Bimmons

SHUTUP

bourb0nblues

Strip him for spare parts. He’s done.

blaxabbath

Bring back Vick and his running threat!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

HOW DOES IT FEEL, DENVER? HUH? HOW DO YOU LIKE IT?

King Hippo

I don’t?

makeitsnowondem

where’s the “this is terrible” button

makeitsnowondem

What the shit?

King Hippo

Fuck it, put Brock in. I’m tired of this bullshit.

fleshwound_NPG

SADNESS FACTORY LAID OFF

Doktor Zymm

I would like it better if this were the Sunday Ticket “Sorry we suck” image :

http://media.giphy.com/media/LlTYKN146VMyI/giphy.gif

entropy

Everything’s better with Bender.

makeitsnowondem

OFFICIAL: Peyton, you’re not young enough to get that call.

Sill Bimmons

FATDOWN

fleshwound_NPG

NFL officials are very good at calling pick plays when New England is not playing.

entropy

Almost like they were trained to specifically call it this year.

Doktor Zymm

Let’s see if I can get Red Zone to work….Nope! Die in a radioactive landfill fire in the suburbs of St. Louis, Sunday Ticket!

King Hippo

Why does Denver want me to drink myself to death? Why, Stimpy? Why??

Factory status: the despair generator core overload was dealt with, it is stable now.

Doktor Zymm

Yep, they’re talking about Joe Gibbs now. They’ve officially given up talking about the game.

John Difool

It’s 3:30 in Richmond. I’m too goddam drunk to do anything but sit in this chair and keep on having the horrors inflicted on me.
It’s like my own personal version Hostel or something.

hippofant

GARY BARNIDGE CANNOT BE STOPPED!!!

WCS

When did this Stillers game become the Senior PGA Tour?

blaxabbath

If they make a film about Fox, will Pete Schrager be played by Jonah Hill?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I don’t think I’ve posted since I thought I was dying 2 weeks ago. I figure I should let people know I’m alive. I actually have been around just lurking.

/ God damn it Bennett learn how to fucking catch
// FUCK YEAH! SECOND SPECIAL TEAMS TURNOVER

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Glad to hear it. Welcome back?

blaxabbath

SAY SOMETHING FUNNY!

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Will you accept pics of hot women instead? I am feeling too lazy to try be funny today

hippofant

We deem this offering acceptable.

Senor Weaselo

Hooray not dead!

entropy

We’re all at the point where we need someone to just entertain us, or bring booze. Where’s the goddamn whiskey?

King Hippo

What the goddamned monkeyfuck, denver??

makeitsnowondem

Somebody dun goofed.

Sill Bimmons
John Difool

The only reason why I’m still watching the [*Redacted] s vs. jets right now is because it’s early in the day to ask my wife to put on her leather outfit, break out the whip and strap me to the torture wheel hanging on our bedroom wall.

Doktor Zymm

Just wait till she finishes unloading the dishwasher.

blaxabbath

“The Cardinals just have SO MANY offensive weapons!”

Score 10.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

They’re referring to gun ownership. They are located in Arizona, after all.

makeitsnowondem

Well, they will have when John Brown finally gets around to raiding Harper’s Ferry.

Senor Weaselo

Deckerdown. Maybe this Jets squad isn’t going to start Jetsing in midseason form!

/Remembers next week is Jets-Pats

…Never mind, it’ll just start next week.

entropy

No one who replaces a vanity is ever that happy. And most bathrooms do NOT have that much room to be fucking around in while you do it.

Doktor Zymm

I replaced a medicine cabinet earlier this year. I was fairly neutral at the time.

entropy

You can stand while you do that.

evilbeaver8

24 or so games of T-Rich with the Humps has given me permanent PTSD with the number 34. I still start to scream “NO don’t do it!!!” any time any team gives the ball to #34.

Doktor Zymm

The best thing about wearing a long, lightweight robe is the way it swirls imperiously about me as I storm disgustedly from the room to make myself another drink. That’s good football robe-wearing.

entropy

Do you have the Darty Vader music playing while you do it? Because otherwise you’re just fucking around.

Spanky Datass
entropy

That is awesome.

Senor Weaselo

THIS DOKTOR ZYMM, I CALL HER A WHITE MAGE BECAUSE SHE’S A DOCTOR WITH A LONG LIGHTWEIGHT ROBE.

/Yeah, not my A material, I know.

Gatoraids

FIREBALL FIREBALL

King Hippo

Your father says you are running the heat too high, , smgdh

Doktor Zymm

I gots building wide steam radiators, heat included in my HOA. BRING IT, WINTER!

Brick Meathook

You should vote for that one guy. Or maybe the chick.

Sill Bimmons

ALL TEH CHRIS BOSWELL POINTS

makeitsnowondem

The new low-scoring Broncos still freak me out, but I’m a little reassured that they seem to be a model of consistency.

King Hippo

It really is the same exact shit every single week. At some point, we should stop freaking out and learn to love it.

/I freaked the fuck out, like I did the 5 previous weeks.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Yeah, the consistency of raspberry jello!

/of COURSE this image is hosted at Barstool

http://nyc.barstoolsports.com/files/2013/01/fat-kate-upton-3.jpg

John Difool

Only the [*Redacted] s can make an average Irish quarterback look like Brady.

entropy

This game is going to do just enough for me to believe the Jets will beat NE next week and then I’ll be chugging drano after they shit the bed.

nomonkeyfun

How many will Brady hang on the Deadskins? I can’t believe how bad this team is.

Sorry Zymm and all other Washington commentists.

Doktor Zymm

It’s okay. I’ve somehow already blocked that game from my memory, even though it hasn’t happened yet.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Ah, so THAT was what my phone was buzzing about. Nice play, Eifert.

fleshwound_NPG

Peyton Manning 2015: Yay, another field goal!

Redshirt

Gingerdown

entropy

The [*Redacted] s D and Jets receivers making Fitzpatrick look moderately competent.

evilbeaver8

He’s the one that went to Stanford and wants to be architect, right?

Lord Joe Don Looney

He went to Harvard and wants to be a gynecologist.

Doktor Zymm

Time for an anger cocktail, and for all the wrong reasons.

King Hippo

There are no wrong reasons.

entropy

Hippo speaks the truth.

Lord Joe Don Looney

To reason is wrong.

Doktor Zymm

Man, I don’t even get to see the moment that would inspire me to lose all hope for DC’s season. 🙁

entropy

You missed the first snap of the season?

Sill Bimmons

Kirk “Shoulda Just Kept On Fuckin’ Mah” Cousins

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