Latest posts by The Maestro (see all)
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- Coach Carroll’s Weird Mysteries: The Dyatlov Pass Incident – January 4, 2018
So the Seattle Seahawks blew yet another 4th-quarter lead in spectacular fashion yesterday, at home against the Carolina Panthers, dropping them to a very ugly 2-4. This team looks nothing like the Super Bowl contender of last season; the offence is dishevelled, the defense is confused, and overall, there’s no clear sense of direction as to whether the team will indeed learn from the mistakes it’s made so far this season.
Lots of possibilities exist for Seattle’s ineptitude, including any or all of the following:
- Lack of a stable running game: Marshawn Lynch has missed a ton of time due to injury, and it’s meant a move away from the dual-threat possibilities of Seattle’s offense of last season. Russell Wilson has had to do a ton of work himself so far, and his production hasn’t reflected it.
- Lack of true #1 wideouts: Since Golden Tate and Percy Harvin left town, for Detroit and New York/Buffalo, there aren’t any true go-to big play receivers on the team anymore. Hard to have an explosive passing game without a big threat.
- Sketchy offensive line: In dealing Max Unger to the New Orleans Saints for all-Pro tight end Jimmy Graham, the Hawks figured they paid a reasonable price for a dangerous offensive weapon. Unfortunately, without Unger anchoring the O-line at center, Wilson hasn’t had pocket protection like he’s had in years previous, which has given him time to both make the deep throws and also scramble out when taking a read option.
- Lack of a plan for Jimmy Graham: He’s barely been targeted. You’d think that Darrell Bevell would have more of a game plan on how to use the guy, but then again, he also called a slant pass at the goal line, soooo….
- Defense not reacting well to missing personnel: I really think Kam Chancellor holding out through training camp and the first two games of the season fucked things up more than we realize. Yes, the Seahawks have had their same core secondary together for a while now, but you can’t replicate the results they produced when you’re initially starting training camp without the explosiveness and athleticism of Chancellor. It takes time to get used to these things, and starting off without such a key piece of the puzzles affects all the pieces in front of the secondary as well.
- Nanobubbles have fucked with Russell Wilson’s head to the point where he’s not calling good plays anymore.
- Ciara is actually a succubus who has drained Russell Wilson’s soul, and also his football talent, out of his body.
- God’s favorite QB is, in fact, Aaron Rodgers.
Fortunately, while all of the above are legitimate reasons as to the Seahawks’ suckage, I was fortunate enough to receive some field research from local Commentist Beerguyrob, which in fact revealed all there is to know about why this team has struggled so far:
The Seahawks suck because their fanbase sucks.
It’s true. The 12th Man is a shit concept, and an unoriginal one to boot. You fucking morons pay royalties through the ass to Texas A&M in order to use it. Not only that, but Seattle as a fanbase and as a city likes to pretend its shit doesn’t stink, but in truth, is actually home to the biggest collection of insufferable assholes in the entire Pacific Northwest.
Here’s fucking proof. (Click the image to enhance it.)
Exhibit A: Russell Wilson’s biggest fans.
Nothing like feeling my little pang of Sunday guilt before immediately walking into a stadium to go to the game. Shouldn’t these assholes technically be in church themselves, anyhow?
Exhibit B: when having a washed-up rapper in attendance at your game is a big, big deal. No, not that one. The other one.
Exhibit C: CenturyLink Field staff are clearly fucking incompetent.
How the fuck are you ever supposed to win a game if you keeping giving your opponents extra chances like that? Of course the Panthers are gonna burn you if you give them 5th downs. God dammit, guys.
Exhibit D: When your “halftime show” consists of a washed-up rapper (yes, now it’s the one you’re thinking of this time) playing Guitar Hero on the giant video board and acting fucking smug about it too.
So there you have it, really. Irrefutable evidence that CenturyLink Field is hell on earth, that the fans are terrible, and not a single person in the entire organization has a goddamn clue about what the fuck they’re doing. If we nuke all of it, the team will likely improve.
Enjoy going 7-9 and losing to the Rams twice in one season, idiots.
Can’t wait until the next giant earthquake hits the West Coast.