What The F*** Is Wrong With The Seahawks?

The Maestro
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The Maestro

The Maestro is a mystical Canadian internet user and New England Patriots fan; when the weather is cooperative and the TV signal at his igloo is strong enough, he enjoys watching the NFL, the Ottawa Senators & REDBLACKS, and yelling into the abyss on Twitter. He is somehow allowed to teach music to high school students when he isn’t in a blind rage about sports, and is also a known connoisseur of cheap beers across the Great White North.
The Maestro
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So the Seattle Seahawks blew yet another 4th-quarter lead in spectacular fashion yesterday, at home against the Carolina Panthers, dropping them to a very ugly 2-4. This team looks nothing like the Super Bowl contender of last season; the offence is dishevelled, the defense is confused, and overall, there’s no clear sense of direction as to whether the team will indeed learn from the mistakes it’s made so far this season.

Lots of possibilities exist for Seattle’s ineptitude, including any or all of the following:

  • Lack of a stable running game: Marshawn Lynch has missed a ton of time due to injury, and it’s meant a move away from the dual-threat possibilities of Seattle’s offense of last season. Russell Wilson has had to do a ton of work himself so far, and his production hasn’t reflected it.
  • Lack of true #1 wideouts: Since Golden Tate and Percy Harvin left town, for Detroit and New York/Buffalo, there aren’t any true go-to big play receivers on the team anymore. Hard to have an explosive passing game without a big threat.
  • Sketchy offensive line: In dealing Max Unger to the New Orleans Saints for all-Pro tight end Jimmy Graham, the Hawks figured they paid a reasonable price for a dangerous offensive weapon. Unfortunately, without Unger anchoring the O-line at center, Wilson hasn’t had pocket protection like he’s had in years previous, which has given him time to both make the deep throws and also scramble out when taking a read option.
  • Lack of a plan for Jimmy Graham: He’s barely been targeted. You’d think that Darrell Bevell would have more of a game plan on how to use the guy, but then again, he also called a slant pass at the goal line, soooo….
  • Defense not reacting well to missing personnel: I really think Kam Chancellor holding out through training camp and the first two games of the season fucked things up more than we realize. Yes, the Seahawks have had their same core secondary together for a while now, but you can’t replicate the results they produced when you’re initially starting training camp without the explosiveness and athleticism of Chancellor. It takes time to get used to these things, and starting off without such a key piece of the puzzles affects all the pieces in front of the secondary as well.
  • Nanobubbles have fucked with Russell Wilson’s head to the point where he’s not calling good plays anymore.
  • Ciara is actually a succubus who has drained Russell Wilson’s soul, and also his football talent, out of his body.
  • God’s favorite QB is, in fact, Aaron Rodgers.

Fortunately, while all of the above are legitimate reasons as to the Seahawks’ suckage, I was fortunate enough to receive some field research from local Commentist Beerguyrob, which in fact revealed all there is to know about why this team has struggled so far:

The Seahawks suck because their fanbase sucks.

It’s true. The 12th Man is a shit concept, and an unoriginal one to boot. You fucking morons pay royalties through the ass to Texas A&M in order to use it. Not only that, but Seattle as a fanbase and as a city likes to pretend its shit doesn’t stink, but in truth, is actually home to the biggest collection of insufferable assholes in the entire Pacific Northwest.

Here’s fucking proof. (Click the image to enhance it.)

Exhibit A: Russell Wilson’s biggest fans.

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Nothing like feeling my little pang of Sunday guilt before immediately walking into a stadium to go to the game. Shouldn’t these assholes technically be in church themselves, anyhow?

Exhibit B: when having a washed-up rapper in attendance at your game is a big, big deal. No, not that one. The other one.

20151018_170438861_iOS 20151018_170436260_iOS

Exhibit C: CenturyLink Field staff are clearly fucking incompetent.

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How the fuck are you ever supposed to win a game if you keeping giving your opponents extra chances like that? Of course the Panthers are gonna burn you if you give them 5th downs. God dammit, guys.

Exhibit D: When your “halftime show” consists of a washed-up rapper (yes, now it’s the one you’re thinking of this time) playing Guitar Hero on the giant video board and acting fucking smug about it too.

20151018_183723447_iOS 20151018_183746717_iOS 20151018_183714979_iOS

So there you have it, really. Irrefutable evidence that CenturyLink Field is hell on earth, that the fans are terrible, and not a single person in the entire organization has a goddamn clue about what the fuck they’re doing. If we nuke all of it, the team will likely improve.

Enjoy going 7-9 and losing to the Rams twice in one season, idiots.

Can’t wait until the next giant earthquake hits the West Coast.

The Maestro
The Maestro
The Maestro is a mystical Canadian internet user and New England Patriots fan; when the weather is cooperative and the TV signal at his igloo is strong enough, he enjoys watching the NFL, the Ottawa Senators & REDBLACKS, and yelling into the abyss on Twitter. He is somehow allowed to teach music to high school students when he isn't in a blind rage about sports, and is also a known connoisseur of cheap beers across the Great White North.
https://www.doorfliesopen.com/index.php/author/the-maestro/

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We want the ball and oh shit
Member
We want the ball and oh shit

Greetings from the Pac Northwest

[imagecomment image&psig=AFQjCNFDeWDYIYZltA3CeQUnEF-FOAVwag&ust=1445482752042727[image]

Martin
Member

They’re still the closest I have to a team to root for, but I also hate them.

I feel like an Iggles fan.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

This is some quality irrational hate and blame, and continued in the comments. Great job people!!

I would consider it successful to go to two Sooper Bowls in a row and win one. In the salary cap era this team had some very good players for cheap, and now it has run its course.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem
Member

The fuck is an “offence”?

Also, I will not hear a word said against Sir Mix-a-lot. He single-handedly made it socially acceptable for white girls of my generation to have bootytastic behinds.

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

THAT’S THE GODDAM TRUTH!

Doktor Zymm
Member

It’s pretty entertaining watching all the sports media cling to their pre-season impressions of the Seahawks. I saw zero predictions that the Panthers would win, which even taking into account the differences in their opponents is pretty surprising when a 2-3 team plays a 5-0 team.

WCS
Member

And, yet, ESPN 980 insisted Washington was really going places this year.

SEE YOU SOOPER SUNDEE COOCH! DIS ISS ERR YEAR!

Doktor Zymm
Member

They are going places…the septic tank is a place

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Member
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I got inappropriately drunk yesterday, then woke up at 4 am still drunk, drank more. Was halfway productive today if you say spinning your second dog in circles by her legs qualifies as productive. She punches me in the dick whenever I see her so I don’t feel bad about what I did.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Member
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

My mom is out of town so I am watering plants and taking care of the puppy even though she has a roomate

Beerguyrob
Member

That’s how most great pornos start. You should take a pizza over on your next visit.

ThePirateSloth
Member
ThePirateSloth

Darrell Bevell is what and always has been wrong with the Seahawks. In the last 3 games, his conservative play calling when the Seahawks have the lead coming out of halftime or deep into the 3rdQ ,consists of run-run-3rd and long draw play or 2 yard pass play-punt. These stalled drives during both the 3rd and 4th quarters only server to keep the defense on the field longer than they should be, tiring them out so that opposing offenses can rack up the yards and points.

With that said, Dan Quinn and previous def coords are extremely missed, because they were intelligent enough to compensate for Bevell’s bullshit conservative play calling, and adjust the defenses accordingly to force turnovers and contain the opposing offense in the bend-butdon’t-break mentality. That is why the Seahawks have won so many close games over the past few seasons, and why they are losing them this season while also blowing 2 score leads this season.

Martin
Member

At the end of the day, the person most responsible for all the failings on defense is Pete Fucking Carroll himself. Even with gaps in the coaching, he should fucking know better and have it fixed.

And in addition, shouldn’t have them out there so long because the O coordinator is a pussy.

WCS
Member

Instead of watching and studying film, Pete Carroll has spend all night rewatching “Loose Change” and listening to Alex Jones clips.

Beerguyrob
Member

YOU ARE ALL 12s, SHEEPLE!!!

Bloody Lethal
Member
Bloody Lethal
blaxabbath
Member

The NFC West is horrible and I’m waiting for the *experts* to come around and realize that Carolina, actually, has not yet played anybody.

Bloody Lethal
Member
Bloody Lethal

But what did they put in the water for Ottawa’s top line?!

CBQUE
Member
CBQUE

Let’s see: Shitty O-line? Check. Receivers that suck and had the nerve to get mad about it when Deion Sanders said so? Check. Inconsistent Game Plan’s that tend to change mid game and refuse to adapt to the opponent? Check. Head coach who seems clueless when it comes to mid game adjustments? Check and we have proof of this from his time at USC. Defense that for all it’s woofing has a tendency to give up big plays? Check. Perhaps the biggest issue is at QB. For all Danger Russ’ talents he’s still a limited passer that can be neutralized by a savvy defense, which Carolina, The Bengals, Rams and Green Bay possess. Still this appears to be karma for ol Pete thinking that he was smarter than everyone with that ass backwards call from last February.

Duchess
Member

Until you named dropped USC I was half expecting this to be about the 2014 Bears.

Martin
Member

“Head coach who seems clueless when it comes to mid game adjustments? Check and we have proof of this from his time at USC.”

Holy fucking shit, yes.

jjfozz
Member

All that money, all that marketing savvy, all that hipnessicity, and all you shit out is “12th Man?”

That shit has been old ever since it was started by the apostle who took Judas’s place after he stretched out his neck.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Nice. Most of the time a hanging results in a season ending injury.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

Fun fact: “dishoveled” is a word Chiefs players use to describe Andy Reid when he approaches the chili trough with two serving utensils.

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

I just realized something really PK WEIRD:

In 4 out of my 5 FF leagues, my opponent is starting Eli Manning.

If there ever was a time for DERPY ELI to make an appearance, it’s tonight.

MikeWallaceAndGromit
Member

/proceeds to throw 6 TDs

Bugg
Member
Bugg

The Macklemore/Russell Wilson commercial is the single most douchetastic 60 seconds in history. Perhaps the Russell Wilson’s bird can land on his face and eat his brains out through his eyeballs or ears. And don’t you have to had some talent in the past to be washed up now?

MikeWallaceAndGromit
Member

I thought they gave up on the “12th Man” this season and are now going with the oh so much better “12’s” to avoid said royalties.

“No guys, it’s cool, we’ll call ourselves Twelves! It’s so awesome!”

Old School Zero
Member

Well, this was harsh and devoid of jokes.

Beerguyrob
Member

And you weren’t even at the game!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Devoid of regular jokes, which means completely devoid of dick jokes. Are not dick jokes a REQUIREMENT!!??

Martin
Member
The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem
Member

ARE WE NOT MEN? WE ARE DICKJOKE!