Your One O’Clock Slate Open Thread

TB @ Atl: Winston has 9 TD’s and 7 Int’s-lousy, huh? His opposite today, Ryan has a sparkling 9 TD’s and 6 Int’s (also almost 600 more yards but still). At this point Tampa is just trying to show some progress and get through the season while the Falcons need a win to stay within tobacco juice-spitting distance of the Panthers. I’m not sure how Atlanta is going to pull this out what with Hankerson being out. Hopefully one of the other guys at the WR spot will come through.

Ari @ Cle: The Madden simulation of this game had the Cards winning 149-56. I think RB Johnson is going to break a long one against a Browns run D that almost always falls apart in the 2nd half. Don’t get me started on WR Bowe and his 9 mil. guaranteed contract and his three straight healthy scratches and “redemption time” narrative. Browns fans that want Manziel in are nuts. Why? McCown has made a star (okay, maybe “viable player” is the better term) out of TE Barnidge. What sort of sorcery has gotten these guys to connect for 459 yds. and 5 TD’s? Cleveland gets 3 starters back-CB Haden, FS Gipson and ILB Robertson. It won’t be enough for a win but this will allow them to be more aggressive.

F @ StL: San Fran takes it on the road and most likely on the chin today. The struggling Kaep may be without both Hyde and Boldin today as both are listed as questionable. (much like Kaep’s on-field decisions) Against a top 10 D, that spells more trouble and regression for a guy who doesn’t need either. The Rams are dead last in passing yards per game and Foles is taking some heat for it but I’m not having it. The WR corps consists of Britt, Bailey, Quick, TE Cook, who is inconsistent and Austin. Tavon is talented and just needs to be put into open space with the ball in order to make things happen but that is not happening often enough. I expect with the emergence of Gurley things will sort themselves out somewhat but this group is third rate.

NYG @ NO: Eli should be happy to know that the Saints give up the fifth-most passing yards per game at 275. This stat is actually worse than it seems because the Saints have rarely had a large lead on anyone therefore forcing them to air it out. After losing three straight the Saints have won the last three of four. When they are up they go after the QB hard-13 of their 16 sacks have occurred while they had the lead. The Giants have a measly nine in total. RB Orleans Darkwa of the Giants, a long shot to make the 53 man squad in September is pushing his way into the Giants RBBC.

Min @ Chi: Minny looks to be entering into a multi-year window of competitiveness given what they’ve done in the draft the past two years. Bridgewater, Kendricks, Barr, Diggs, Clemmings and Wayne are young, solid and talented. Also, most of them have no memory of having lost 7 straight at Soldier Field. Here’s this week’s “Stat Dis-Connect of the Week”. The Bears have the 26th ranked rush D yet have only given up 2 TD’s on the ground. Wah? Perhaps AP will close the gap a bit today.

SD @ Dal: Philip “The Loin Master” Rivers just had his eighth kid. Or maybe his wife did. I don’t know. That’s six girls and two boys and increasing pressure on the cervix and the population density of greater San Diego. Speaking of easy to score on, both these D’s like to give it away so we should be in for a bit of a TD/FG bonerama.

Cin @ Pit: “Big Ben Is Back!” yelled the owner of my fantasy team just now. I expect the Two B’s (Bell and Brown) to put it into a higher gear today. Hell, I’m calling it-Bengals get their first loss of the season today. Dalton can’t keep his insane numbers going much longer, can he? The world-weary Bengals fans shout “NO WAY!” in unison. WR Green is getting CB Antwon Blake today because Gay is banged up so Cincy should put up some points. Kudos to the guy who drafted RB Hill right in front of me. Buddy, I owe you one.

Ten @ Hou: This is our third game featuring a one win team playing a two win squad. Whoopee! Say goodbye to Hoyermallet and the lousy run they had and welcome Hoyersavageyates to the party. I’m just kidding, I saw TJ Yates in pre-season and I doubt that the coaches trust him with a clipboard. Foster done tore himself his Achilles and is gone for the year. To those mothers dipping their incipient football-playing sons into the River Styx I can’t stress this enough-DUNK THE WHOLE KID IN, DON’T BE LAZY ABOUT IT! Jeezuz!

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fleshwound_NPG

SULKCANNON

Moonbatting Average

Holy Crap, Alshon

WCS

He still has four lives left.

synapticmisfires

Fun fact: the Rams have more pro-caliber running backs than the 49ers have pro-caliber players.

WCS

DDDDDEEEEEERRRRPPPPPPPPP

fleshwound_NPG

Bears…defense?

Doktor Zymm

It’s just a random statistical fluctuation.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Gratliff

I appreciate gravity’s valiant effort there.

Gratliff

Marques Colston, Forever Uncovered

Doktor Zymm

Is this some sort of Cinderella pumpkin carriage thing going on for the Browns?

Gatoraids

Until the clock strikes sadness

synapticmisfires

How will Cleveland blow this?

My bet, jumper by Jordan from the elbow as time expires.

King Hippo

missed extra point is nice start

Beerguyrob

McCown gets hurt; pick-18 for Johnny F*cking Football.

fleshwound_NPG

Did the Factory of Sadness union reps bargain for a Halloween holiday?

Moonbatting Average

Factory Workers Stage Mass Walkout

Senor Weaselo

…What the fuck was that segment. I haven’t seen anything that awkward in sports since Foul Territory with Mark Teixeira.

WCS

Oh, piss a fart, Mitchell.

Cooper “Meh” Manning

Doktor Zymm

Ari/Cle is confusing to me.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Beerguyrob

Cleveland is McCown town again.

Gratliff

300 yards given up? Impressive, Giants, but you can do better.

WCS

Marvin Jones’s spleen just exploded.

The Maestro

And the pain made him cry out!

In fact, you might say that when you hit him hard enough, Jarvin Mones…

Senor Weaselo

That was so stupid, but I laughed.

synapticmisfires

Sometimes I wish it was mathematically possible for the NFL to have a losing record overall.

bourb0nblues

All the broken ribs!

King Hippo

Guess I should have accepted that AP and Duke Johnson (PPR, keeper league) for Le’Veon offer that was on the table last week.

Beerguyrob

If the Browns win this game, 8-8 will win the NFC West.

fleshwound_NPG

Over/under 1.5 teams in the 2015-2016 NFL Playoffs with losing records

Beerguyrob

I’m sure the AFC South can find a way to tie that line.

Doktor Zymm

Also : When Red Zone goes split screen, the smaller screens on my TV are still the size of most people’s full screen tvs. I love my projector.

Doktor Zymm

First priority in bionic upgrades for football players : a knee that bends in all directions without ripping itself to pieces.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Manning: Forehead stretches infinite.

Senor Weaselo

“Better starts now.” -Eli Manning after that… throw?

Bugg

Guys in FanDuel commercial looking at each others’ phones-“So that’s what a vagina looks like?”

Beerguyrob

Makes sense, since they’re both c*nts.

Redshirt

That knee isn’t supposed to bend that way

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Is Dalton dead? or who had their knee bend in the wrong way

Beerguyrob

Bell, because Pittsburgh can’t have nice things.

John Difool

Yackety Sacks

Geez Eli

Senor Weaselo

Eliderp.

The Maestro

So Le’Veon Bell is dead.

King Hippo

Yeah, today can go fuck itself just like yesterday. And all of 2014-15, really.

ThePirateSloth

Ahhhhhhhh what a lazy Sunday morning: the sun is shining after close to 16 hours of rain (poor kids, no trick-or-treating last night), there’s bacon in the oven, eggs on the stove, potatoes on the iron skillet, tortillas already warm, scotch in my coffee, football on the tv….

And I now have to clean up the fucking mess our “IT expert” created within our document system. As in, today I have to re-do the near 100 documents (formatting, editing, naming convention, etc) that I’ve spent the last 2 weeks working on because they are no longer anywhere in our system.

God dammit. Pour one out for me guys.

The Maestro

What kind of kids don’t go trick-or-treating in the rain? Shit, my Halloween costumes were designed so I could fit my snowsuit on underneath. My mom planned ahead bigtime. And the years where it did, I was damn grateful.

litre_cola

Same here Maestro, Big enough to put a parka underneath.

ThePirateSloth

It was pouring all evening. Parts of Portland were flooding from what I saw.

fleshwound_NPG

Dead’Veon Bell

Beerguyrob

Is this finally going to be the season we Coughlin make his sideline face, and then stroke out & die on the sideline?

Gatoraids

Season he wheels out two bathtubs and the missus to the sidelines a, pops a view cialis and let’s nature take its course (a stroke)

fleshwound_NPG

AP with 69 yards nice

Beerguyrob

Rob Ryan approves.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

FANDUEL PAYS OUT 75 MILLION A WEEK AND ONLY MAKES 150 FOR ITSELF! JOIN!

What’s going to be more infuriating, Giants have a home playoff game or Colts have a home playoff game.

synapticmisfires

The Giants are bad and all, but I don’t think the Colts have earned a home regular season game.

Gratliff

I wouldn’t count out the G-men in the NFC East Race To the Bottom just yet.

The Maestro

You know that if the Giants make the playoffs, they go right to the Super Bowl. That’s just how this works.

Senor Weaselo

It is 4 years.

Beerguyrob

I don’t think Coulston was open enough.

Senor Weaselo

The Giants secondary should consider covering receivers.

synapticmisfires

So I just realized that my opponent has Le’veon Bell, Devonta Freeman, and Jordy Nelson (IR) and Lorenzo Taliaferro (IR) on his bench.

I challenge you to find a more mismanaged fantasy team.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Giants’ defense:

Gratliff

Cover None: A Giant Tradition

Old School Zero

San Diego Chargers are going to institute a very special Selective Service draft in order to field a team.

fleshwound_NPG

If they wait long enough they can have the entire Rivers family to be a starting 11.

Senor Weaselo

So next week?

Doktor Zymm

If the NFL really wanted to attract a wider female audience, they would change the uniforms to shirts v skins

comment image

Gatoraids

Commence a diddling

Old School Zero

The Chargers would like to know if this strapping lad can play on their offensive line.

fleshwound_NPG

Cutler 5/5 for 10 yards.
Perfect.