The Canuck version of Bravo imposed upon me this feel-good Christmas movie this evening. This damn ambitious wife hires Mrs. Claus (who knows for sure that the wife still loves her estranged husband) to take care of her kids while she is being wooed by a controlling, successful bastard. Well. The wife sure loves all the bells and whistles at the start but comes to understand the importance of family. The wife didn’t have my family to compare to but whatever. Every movie has plot holes…moving on. Her husband is the bestest most simple down-to-earth guy that you could borrow from central casting and it shows. Everyone happy in the end? Of course.
Reader’s Digest Version-potential trophy wife makes god-awful decision to remain middle class because Mrs. Claus decided to stick her gin-blossomed nose into someone else’s business.
This might be the start of an on-going series. Or not. Stay tuned.
This be your open thread tonight. Let’s do this.
http://40.media.tumblr.com/cfa3c6675f5fae085d3df24c793fbf7f/tumblr_nx9ikj0t1Z1rv33k2o1_1280.jpg
HEY EVERYBODY WHAT’S UP!
IS THIS THE MERRILL LYNCH WEB SITE I NEED TO BUY SOME STOCKTHS
/hits head on keyboard
//falls to floor in uncomfortable yet safe sleep
///securities accidentally purchased by hitting head on keyboard gain 300% next day
////still unconscious
/////same securities drop 500%
//////awakens
///////aware of none of this
HEY EVERYBODY WHAT’S UP!
IS THIS THE WEBSITE WITH THE TITS AND STUFF?….
/hits head on keyboard
For some reason, I love the fact that it’s in HD. Because THAT’S what you need to really to fully appreciate the grand scope of this cinematic epic.
Coming next week to Amazon Prime: Howard’s End 3D
Imagine my disappointment when I mistakenly ordered the DVD of Howard’s End 3D thinking it was a Howard the Duck porno.
The Criminal Code of Canada says:
163(2) Every one commits an offence who knowingly, without lawful justification or excuse,
(b) publicly exhibits a disgusting object or an indecent show;
(5) For the purposes of this section, the motives of an accused are irrelevant.
169. Every one who commits an offence under section 163, 165, 167 or 168 is guilty of
(a) an indictable offence and is liable to imprisonment for a term not exceeding two years.
I’m tempted to report you simply because you are watching a Christmas movie before Remembrance Day. You’re supposed to be watching “Passchendaele” and “The Devil’s Brigade” on a loop until the 12th.
“….disgusting object…”
http://33.media.tumblr.com/74dd20e8bdcebb54474058a4b90bf2c6/tumblr_nx7sgdRlRw1ususy7o1_500.gif
Going to have to send this guy after him:
I’m confused; are you talking about one of those porn parody movies?
Is DJ Tanner in this one? Or the other 20 Hallmark Channel Christmas movies?
This reminds me of the Clerks rooftop hockey scene, when they ask if anyone brought another ball.
“I brought the one with DJ Tanner….. and the one with DJ Tanner.”
“Hey, are they another DJ Tanners done there?”
Those Hallmark movies need more of this:
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-6XVdKtKh9cM/TjH6ohsJEzI/AAAAAAAAACI/IpHbw8G_imM/s1600/lbs-satanclaus.png
Ok, so upon further research, (a conversation with my mom), it turns out that the appeal is:
1) You know what you’re going to get
2) You know it will have a happy ending
3) It’s an enjoyable way to spend some time without using your brain.
Can’t say I fault her for that. Some of us drink, some of us watch Hallmark Channel. Some do both.
For me, one would directly affect the need to do the other. For instance, you put on a Hallmark movie, and I will need to drink immediately.
The Hallmark Channel makes a meal of these schmaltzy Christmas movies. They always have a middle aged woman trying to find love for the holidays. They’re like two hour Christmas-themed Harlequin romances with slightly fewer throbbing rods and quivering love puddings. Because I wound up on a Wikipedia deep dive, I found that through 2014, there have been 104 original Christmas movies produced by the Hallmark Channel. ONE HUNDRED AND FOUR. There are 16 more planned for this Christmas season, including one starring and directed by Mariah Carey. Some of the titles are hilarious without even seeing the movies:
“Ice Sculpture Christmas”
“A Boyfriend For Christmas”
“A Bride For Christmas”
“A Grandpa For Christmas” (Doesn’t anyone just want video games anymore?)
“North Pole 2: Open For Christmas” (This might be a porn.)
“The Town Christmas Forgot”
“Battle of the Bulbs”
“Matchmaker Santa”
“Love At The Thanksgiving Day Parade” (I SWEAR I didn’t make that up.)
“Single Santa Seeks Mrs. Claus”
“It’s Christmas, Carol!” (I hope Bob & Ted & Alice are in the sequel.)
We NEED to do a post on this. This is too good.
We just may have to.
My mom just said she loves them and she will watch them repeatedly. I will need to do some investigative journalism here to find out the appeal of these movies. Either that or I may find out I was adopted. Stay tuned.
I’d be concerned if your mother was familiar with the North Pole series.
OMG MY PARENTS ARE WATCHING A BOYFRIEND FOR CHRISTMAS RIGHT NOW!!!!
I’m dying laughing over here.
It ended on a kiss while fireworks exploded in the background. I shit you not.
Oh, oops: SPOILER ALERT!
Well, there goes my Saturday night. THANKS, BALLS. What am I going to do with this box of Franzia wine now?
Sorry, as soon as I saw the word Harlequin, all I could think about was a Harley Quinn Christmas movie.
Because holy fuck I’d pay lots and lots of money for that.
Starring Margot Robbie? Insert “shut up and take my money” gif of your choice.
I just came back from a dark & disturbing place…
http://static.comicvine.com/uploads/original/8/83989/2135863-harley_ivy_1475alegarza.jpg
http://image.blingee.com/images17/content/output/000/000/000/62a/534823259_312975.gif
Yes, yes, and yes.
11/10, she can stab me anytime.
Wait. After this season, that brings them to 120, and even just showing two a night on week nights, that’s 12 weeks of these things…. my god. The Hallmark Channel is rushing us headlong into Peak Christmas. Soon we will be presented with tinsel on Labor Day…. fake snow for Talk Like a Frozen Pirate day, and most horrifying of all: Gingerbread Santa Marias for Columbus Day. We’re doomed to 1/3rd of the year filled with Holiday Joy.
‘Tis not safe fer ya to be slanderin me fav’rite holiday o’ the year, Talk Like A Pirate Day, with yer fancy schoolin talk of Christmas.
Please, by God, please make this a continuing series!! I love breakdowns of ridiculous female-oriented movies that make absolutely no sense and actually are demeaning to strong independent women!
http://33.media.tumblr.com/0b1963d3bc74dbc2ab04c00c89de1395/tumblr_nx7i8x1jKC1tbcweeo1_400.gif
Now you’re taking it out on us that you watch shitty television in Canadialand?
Bowling Green vs. Ohio in tonight’s #MACtion.
Ice Stillers vs. Ice… Seahawks at 20:00. LATE NIGHT HAWKIE!
Also, the Hallmark Channel (which, apparently is an actual thing at does exist) is currently airing, “Christmas Comes Home to Canaan,” starring Billy Ray Cyrus!
“ Widower Daniel Burton bonds with his son’s physical therapist during a stay in California. His son, recognizing the potential love match, invites the woman to their hometown of Canaan, TX, for the holidays.”
Get to watchin’, Scotchy.
I bet in every one of these movies, there is at least one improbable sequence of events that results in the love interest being saved from a falling reindeer decoration/malfunctioning animatronic Santa/murderous Frosty by the main character, and all the characters speak in exposition instead of dialogue, such as:
“Dad, why are you spying on Nurse Patientpity in the window, while you’re sweetly shoveling her walk before she leaves for work in the morning?”
Or relationships and occupations are established with lines like “Donna, you’re my sister, and I love you. But your job as an advertising executive is causing you to something something something.”
Is Canadian Christmas a month earlier than real Christmas?
This…. This looks horrific.
If this feature becomes regular, can I join in? I used to review movies for a paper in Telluride.
Yeah, I think I might be able to contribute to this as well.
My sarcastic as fuck takes would love to get in on this too.
I think this is a right fine idea.
Wait, Canadiadiens celebrate Christmas? I thought you all believed in, like… a multitude of polite dieties.
Well, they ARE the freest (I hate how that is spelled) country in the world.
http://www.usnews.com/news/articles/2015/11/03/canada-is-the-freest-nation-in-the-world-legatum-study-says
My opinion of their alcohol policies says otherwise.
http://40.media.tumblr.com/84d179172bff30d1f949745bdc48daca/tumblr_nwt4h8bcFo1r7ixnko1_1280.jpg
I like to think they have the same holidays, they’re just a month and a bit earlier and way lamer. Like July 4, only it’s at the end of May and has no fireworks.
Jason Pierre Paul gives this two thumbs u—– wait, never mind.
Imma Netflix n Chill this movie this weekend.
http://41.media.tumblr.com/050fd67e2cb8742cdd26554df71d2863/tumblr_nlff61kfef1tus777o3_r1_1280.png