[manages to briefly tear himself away from “The Case For Christmas” starring Dean Cain as a lawyer defending Santa Claus/ignoring the good woman who loves him dearly] I’d like to catch AFC North fever but I’m not an anti-vaccer-I’ve had my shots.
Cle @ Cin: Johnny Hypeball gets the start tonight and it’ll be a rough one. A few of the starting WR’s that he doesn’t have a rapport with (Hawkins, Hartline) are out. He still has Barnidge and Benjamin but I think their better-than-you’d-expect stats have more to do with McCown’s great play under trying circumstances than with their own ability. I may be wrong but it won’t be the 374th time. (I keep track-it’s WAY over 400) I look forward to John-Boy scrambling needlessly, shovel-passing, throwing off his back foot, side-arming and getting intercepted tonight and being arrested for shoplifting in a small town ten years from now. I’m petty like that. Dalton. How is he doing what he’s doing? Well the ground game is a lot better, you say. “Shut up”, I say, “they’re ranked 18th in average yards per game! What the hell are you talking about?” Ginger has taken a major leap forward because of…[returns to watching The Case For Christmas]
FOURTH DOWN IS THE NEW THIRD DOWN
Just think Browns fans…you could have had wonderful legal weed to get you through this if Ohio wasn’t fucking terrible.
I guess Paul Brown must have been Dutch considering his love for the Oranje.
His unanglicized name must be Bruijn.
Either that or an Ulsterman.
Dear Windows. I will never be upgrading to Windows 10. You can stop asking me now.
You might as well; it’s fine.
Soon they will quit asking, and just start installing.
If you’re running Win8, with no touchscreen, upgrade. Windows 8 sucks.
I’m running 7, and it’s a computer that I really only use for playing Civ 5. I currently also use it for streaming Sunday Ticket, but I’m gonna move that to my Remix mini once it gets here from Hong Kong. There’s no reason for me to not upgrade, but there’s also no reason for me to upgrade, and not upgrading is the lazier option.
It’s actually a stupidly powerful computer considering how little I use it for. I used to play a lot of PC games, and I guess I still build with that in mind, but Civ 5 does not require 16G RAM.
Until you get to turn 3000 of a super huge map with as many opponents as possible on the longest possible game setting. I still remember the days of doing chores while waiting for Civ 2 to finish processing a turn so it didn’t feel like years between advancing my hordes of Japanese phalanxes.
Ah, Civ 2. When catapults were king! And the combat system was set up in such a way that an ancient era unit could occasionally kill a battleship!
The nerd half of my facebook peers are losing their mind today. Windows 10 reports back computer usage all day long and there’s nothing you can do about it.
Gotta love the Browns DB vacating the spot where the pass went on that delayed blitz that had barely crossed the LOS when the ball came out.
Good job, Browns! You almost forced a punt!
[pats them on the butt]
Where did Marvin Lewis’ headset go?
This is a tragic day…the Super shitty little bar around the corner that was always available as my safety bar when the good ones are full closed. I’m going to run the risk of drinking at home on a regular basis.
Online you just made about 50 new friends.
If it weren’t for the lazy ass bartender, this would be the best virtual bar on Earth.
Good point. I does get tired of schlepping to the fridge.
local dive bars closing is never good. RIP to many lately
I would like to state how much I love it that there is apparently someone named “Duke Johnson” in America, and they he liked his own name so much, he named his only begotten son Duke Johnson Jr. It’s like a family heirloom only shittier, like inheriting the camaro on blocks in front of the double-wide.
I’m just glad there isn’t someone out there named “Duke Yankee”.
Yet!
I’m pretty sure he’s a freshman shooting guard for the Blue Devils.
Ohio Superman : Faster than the speed of Failure!
Able to trip over an N Scale locomotive?
I’m fairly shocked this isn’t “Paint It Black” as performed by Ariana Grande. It’s so novel to just use the good version of the good song.
There’s an Ariana Grande version of “Paint It Black?” What the actual fuck?
I mean, I really hope there isn’t, but have you heard these shit-tastic commercial covers lately? Would it really surprise you?
There probably isn’t. She doesn’t seem culturally aware enough to recognize there was music prior to her own glorious birth.
Welp, no Ariana Grande, but this is about what I expected. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RYPWxymohWs
THIS GUY JOHNNY MANZIEL I CALL HIM FRODO BAGGINS BECAUSE HE’S SMALL OF STATURE AND I KEEP EXPECTING SOMEONE TO POP OUT OF NOWHERE AND ABSOLUTELY DESTROY HIM.
Why is the CBS logo still on the score bar if CBS is no longer airing TNF?
Nobody paid the graphics guy this week?
Local CBS affiliates showing the game?
I never realized how much Josh McCown fashioned himself after Duke Nukem.
He looks more like the enemies in Wolfenstein
hey guys
This stream is horrible, but I don’t really feel like I’m missing anything worth seeing.
lots of orange and brown, NAWT fashion forward
Hot sausage sandwiches and baked beans for dinner.
#Pray4WCSsToilet
You’ll be included in my not-prayers.
Tough drop, would have gained 6, maybe 7 inches.
Stumbling backwards for a 3-yard gain is a good metaphor for the Browns.
Cleveland Browns are playing in Browns Stadium. Coincidence? No.
Brown’s’d
In consideration of the fact that the Browns will be playing, and in order to keep from running afoul of the FCC’s truth-in-advertising dictates, this broadcast has been retitled “Technically, Not Football”.
I nearly choked on my beer, you magnificent bastard.
Methinks JFF is gonna eventually Gramatica himself (ie, career-ending injury celebrating a garbage time score).
This comment has been Frerotte’d.
Too much to hope for, I think. He’s going to flame out off the field, leading to dozens of think pieces about paying young men with no common sense millions of dollars, and then the NFL is going to use that to justify no signing bonus and back-loading contracts for the next decade.
Shit when did I become a conspiracy theorist?!
The cutting of Dri Archer by the Steelers has put me in a legitimate bind in the League of Extraordinary Sill-sanitly. But at least I know who Dri Archer is and who he plays or doesn’t play; that’s something.
If Dri Archer fields a kick at the one and gains six yards before being tackled by a light breeze, does anyone really notice?
Forgot about Dri…
That’s like a point and a half in the League, I’ll fucking take it.
Evening fellas.
I would like to give a supreme fuck you to some volcano in Indonesia, completely has fucked up my travel plans. I hear Taiwan in November is just like Bali…..
I wanna see Johnny JamBoogie get mashed tonight.
And I don’t even feel bad about it.
There’s a crushening in his near future. I can feel it in my boner. Uh, bones. Bones.
Man, Dean Cain has REALLY gotten under your skin.
Hee hee….Delightful 🙂
Can it really be called a rivalry if both teams have sucked forever?
The long 16 year rivalry between the Bungles and the Not The Ravens Browns!
and if my little brother the Bungles fan hates anyone (associated with his fandom), it’s the 49ers.
Really wish Al Michaels was calling this Baylor game. Huuuuuuuuuubener with the carry.
YOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUNNNBER
Shit, apparently anybody can QB BayBay
Your new Starting Quarterback for America’s Team:
(glass shatters)
http://www.cbssports.com/nfl/eye-on-football/25364591/stone-cold-steve-austin-wants-to-qb-cowboys-until-romo-returns
FUCK YES!!! I cannot wait until he Stone Cold Stuns some Eagles defender and then pours shitty beer all over them. I’m so into this. Please make it happen.
As it is, he may end up filling in as WWE champ. We’re at Secretary of Education as President levels of contingency.
Ah, the “Laura Roslin Succession Protocol” is in effect.
I had to google that one. Never was a Battlestar Galactica guy. I just remember the old nuclear holocaust novel “Alas, Babylon” had the Secretary of Education address the nation, letting everyone know the line for presidency was fucked.
Alas Babylon was AWESOME. Should have been required reading in the 80s.
When Russia just randomly bombed Iran on accident last month, I realized not enough people have read it.
BAH GAWD! BAH GAWD! BAH GAWD, KING! THAT’S STONE COLD’S MUSIC! HE’S HERE! HE’S HERE! HE’S HERE TONIGHT AT LINCOLN FINANCIAL FIELD!
I don’t get NFLN (not paying $30 extra a month), but, local radio broadcasts TNF. This exchanged just occurred:
Boomer Eaisison: “The most complete team in the league.”
Kevin Harlan: “Even more than New England?”
Eaisison: “Absolutely. The Bengals are the best team in the NFL.”
CTE is terrible thing, you guys.
The woman went psychotic one day when she couldn’t watch some awful shit on Lifetime Movies or whatever the fuck it was and I came home to a fully loaded cable package. I got about 3 seconds into arguing about it before I realized she also added all the sports packages.
“Gratliff embraces the madness with both arms.”
Geez. Thanks for showing up for your 7-0 team, Cincinnati!
Tonight’s game is proudly sponsored by Coca-Cola
http://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/e9hq7oxxuvafvv5udtra.jpg
So the nightmare from the fancy burger king soda fountain has broken free.
“Sir…. the orange Coke…. It’s… It’s in the wild.”
“How long before it reaches a major city?”
“IT ALREADY HAS!!! ATLANTA, CHICAGO, PHILADELP—, well, we’re OK with losing that shithole…”
“Seal this place tight. We’re going to be looking at years of darkness and pain, gentlemen, and I want us all safeguarded from the madness.”
BATTLE FOR OHIO.
I like to think that there is a continuous string of gnomes that walk around the border of Ohio singing “O-HI–O, YO, HO” over and over again. They tunnel under the highway, so that’s why I’ve never seen them when driving over the Ohio border.
Every time I’ve driven into Ohio, it’s been under construction, so this makes an alarming amount of sense.
Sounds like you didn’t even try to quit sniffing glue this week
And furthermore, who the fuck wants to fight to WIN Ohio? If the goal of this game was getting to leave the state, I could see wanting to win. But having to STAY? Christ, shoot me. The only good things about Ohio are Neil Armstrong, Airstream trailers, and the prison where they filmed Shawshank Redemption. Everything else is a bowl of suck.
Wait, I think all of this orange finally makes sense. It’s rust. Rust for the rust belt. Rust for the oxidized and decaying hopes of a state that has to turn to college to have a football team that doesn’t break little brittle rusted metal under the slightest pressure.
…
But really, there’s too much goddamned orange on my TV.
Cool. Dean Cain ripped open the blouse of the good woman while they were kissing under the mistletoe-in front of his 8 yr. old daughter, to boot!*
*may not have happened
Too bad he’s not still Superman. That dude would be an amazeballs attorney I bet.
Prosecution Objects!!!
Fuck you, I’m Superman.
…and so begins three consecutive Bengals Primetime Games.
http://i.imgur.com/AS0YQ3r.gif
PRAISE CTHULU
Unless he shoved the ball up his own asshole, the laws of physics say it MUST be a score.
So do you think they started this “color rush” shit next week because both of tonight’s teams wanted to be Cheetos Dust Orange?
Oh hey. They’ve announced the colors already.
Nov. 12: Bills (Red) at Jets (Kelly Green)
Nov. 19: Titans (Titans Blue) at Jaguars (Bold Gold)
Nov. 26: Panthers (Panthers Blue) at Cowboys (White)
Dec. 17 (Week 15): Buccaneers (Red) at Rams (Yellow Gold)
Holy Jesus Fuck. All-yellow Rams jerseys are going to make my eyes bleed, and OF COURSE the cowboys get to be white.
I’m already giggling at “Bold Gold.”
All of that pales into comparison to orange vs. brown.
I hope the Jags lose, so the announcer can say “Nothing gold can stay.”
Not a single large-breasted woman on the jury in this damn movie.
You would think a jury of Santa’s peers would have some good sized tits.
Glad I brought these then.
http://www.smh.com.au/content/dam/images/z/q/x/q/h/image.related.articleLeadNarrow.300×0.zqxp8.png/1398134746715.jpg
Then who does the camera focus on when they cut to the jury? I don’t understand.
I am happy that this JV game involves both Gus Johnson and Molly McGrath.
Why are we being assaulted with a Christmas Color War game next TNF? Is it because we mocked the Hallmark channel?
Apparently, this is a SERIES of awful color vs. color games.
Nov. 12: Buffalo Bills at New York Jets
Nov. 19: Tennessee Titans at Jacksonville Jaguars
Nov. 26: Carolina Panthers at Dallas Cowboys
Dec. 17: Tampa Bay Buccaneers at St. Louis Rams
Time to bust out the ol’ Black & White floor model.
Yes, and the Cowboys’ color is “white”. It’s like a kaleidoscope.
Jerry Richardson was pissed that white was already taken, too.
This game features too much orange.
Seriously, who’s idea was to have that much orange in the same division?
verily, tis the revenge of the baby food poop unis
I think I read that when Paul Brown was fired from the Browns, he took the practice jerseys since he owned them as one last “Fuck You” to Art Modell.
Burn the fuck out of the home vs. home jersey Bills-Jets game. My god, it’s horrifying.
I think the Jets’ strategy is to have their players camouflaged with those greenscreen uniforms.
“Is that Brandon Marshall? No, no…I think it’s an ad for Nationwide Insurance.”
Bills defenders are just going to keep diving into the ground, screaming “I GOT ONE!!!”
Side note, it really was impressive (during the Colorado JV NFL 30 for 30) to hear Bill McCartney so passionately and empathically argue against white privilege and how ALL white people have benefitted from institutional racism and need to account for it. But it was equally jarring how he could simultaneously be such a sexist homophobe, and not have a second thought about it.
People be weird and shit.
I had a similar thought, I just kind of said to the TV, “now take that ‘inequality’ thought to its logical conclusion… you’re educated, you can do this…”
K State with a timeout before their first offensive snap–not looking good for a Klassic K State Upsetk
With the Ravens unable (I think) to lose to Bye, a Cincy win tonight would pull them out of a cellar tie with teh Factory. And yet I still don’t care who wins.
But I do hope Dean gets Santa off (giggity).
“What channel is that on again?”
– A. Rodgers
Baylor? I hardly know her!!!!
I just placed a real-life wager on the Browns +13. Please join me for three hours of screaming and self-harm.
So I understand TNF is all NFL Network for the rest of the year?
I don’t think so-I’ve got a Top 10 show starting at 8:25 on my listing.