We’re more than half way through the regular season. I’ve had a great time so far-oh, if my bottles of scotch could talk…they probably wouldn’t slur their words like I do. Moving on-
GB @ Car: Rodgers is sacked/pressured almost 40% of the time he drops back to pass and he faces another quality D that can really bring it. Lacy needs to stop with the donuts and start with the knockin’ defenders backwards. More good news for GB-starting CB’s Shields and Rollins are doubtful for the game. 7-0 Carolina is an underdog at home. This is only the second time since 1990 that has occurred. The Panthers are hoping that a potential win has nothing to do with WR Ginn, otherwise it will slip through their fingers.
Was @ NE: WE ARE ALL [INSERT TEAM HERE] FANS TODAY goes the refrain whenever someone plays the Pats. Actually, the Slurs don’t stand a damn chance and I’m not going to waste my time bothering to side with them. 20 TD’s and 1 Intercept-Br*dy’s playing at a ridiculous level. I hope he gets leveled.
Ten @ NO: Somethingberger goes back to the bench ’cause Mariota is able to play this week. Will Mularkey have the same effect on the Titans as Campbell had on the Fins? We’ll find out real quick. We’ll also find out what happens when a soft, squishy object collides with a vulnerable not-force. That would be a Titans WR group of draft bust Hunter, nobody Green-Beckham, lousy as hell Douglas and practice squadder Richardson clashing with a colander disguised as a Rob Ryan-led Saints secondary. Watson? Snead? Who are these people and what has Brees done with them? Well, made them relevant for one thing. That should continue as Titans CB’s McCourty and Wreh-Wilson aren’t likely to play.
Mia @ Buf: With DE Wake gone Miami’s sack rate drops from 7% down to 1.8%. The good news is that Bills QB Taylor gets sacked at the 5th highest rate of all players at his position. To no one’s surprise Harvin has gone over to the IR. Actually, that hip injury that he’s been dealing with for a few years now is a bit troubling. It sounds like a chronic condition and I’ll bet he’ll have mobility issues even earlier than the average retired football player. LB Brown and DE Dareus have been vocal in their criticism of Ryan’s “complicated” D packages. Given the talent on this D there’s no excuse for these guys not being a top 8 unit.
StL @ Min: Gurley is averaging 115 yds. per game but he’ll struggle to reach that in this game unless he breaks a long one. Hats off to Gregg Williams (?) of all people for making the Saint Looey D the 5th ranked in the league. I very much like the way these teams match up-they’re the 1st and 4th ranked red zone D’s, have strong running games and middling QB’s that will be running for their lives all afternoon. Sounds like a raucous, hard-hitting, low-scoring affair-just like a night on the town with Greg Hardy. Football Outsiders ranks Minny’s first seven games of the season as the easiest in the NFL. The kicker? They rate the Vikes remaining sked as the toughest.
Jax @ NYJ: One of these two teams leads the league defensively in fewest yards per rush and it isn’t the Jets. That’s right, the Jags did a good. Bortles still hasn’t won a road game in his career and it’s not likely to happen today but he has improved his QBR rating by 21 points on enemy fields. Progress! (is slow) Speaking of highly-ranked D’s the Jets come in at #2 overall. Revis will take WR Robinson out of the game so Hurns should get him some. At least that’s what my fantasy brain is telling me. Of course a Jets blog says they have no one to cover TE Thomas so I’m sure he’ll steal all the points.
Oak @ Pit: The Raiders have a winning record against only one team over the last ten years. Guess who they’re 4-1 against? Go ahead, I’ll wait. Good on you QB Carr-he’s improved his QBR from 28th (38.2) last year to 11th (65.8) this year. I don’t think anyone outside his mom and dad could have seen that coming. The Steel Sieve is 26th against the pass so WR’s Cooper and Crabtree have some easy catchin’ to do. The Steelers defensive captain Heyward will play Sunday despite seeing the birth of his first-born yesterday. Gotta hand it to him for going back out there so soon after seeing the old placenta plop onto the floor of the delivery room. (that sorta stuff stays with you, man) Beware WR Brown now that Ben is back. It’s just a matter of time before the both of them go off big time.
Open lane to Ivory’s right…. “FUCK IT I’M GOIN UP TH’ MIDDLE!”
Miami back to being Miami
Bridgewater ded
fucking ouch
Holy shit, teddy.
Does the NFL not care about healthy kids that will eventually contribute to society? What’s with all the sickly shit kids getting all the attention?
Moochers.
PARASITES, one and all!
makers and takers, more of that 47% amirite??
Prolly rapists too.
fucking kickers
Ghost of Scobee returns!!!!!
Murray got himself concussed.
OK, since my plan today was to get Mixed Drink Drunk, I did not prepare properly and lay in enough supplies when I switched trains and went to Beer & A Shot Sunday. Switching back at this point seems silly.
Who would think less of me if I started drinking the Mich Ultra case someone left in my beer fridge as long as I didn’t, y’know, *enjoy* it?
I won’t think less of you as long as it’s solely for maintaining/increasing drunkeness.
If you start enjoying it though…judgements. Judgements everywhere.
Good Christ. I don’t know how anyone can enjoy this swill. It’s water. You know what happens in water? FISH FUCK IN IT.
Found beer is found beer brah.
The reason shitty beer exists, and the reason people leave it in your fridge, is so you can continue a proper drunk when supplies go low. Godspeed.
Had you started with the Ultra I’d have to call a penalty but you’re in a groove now. 1ST DOWN!
Holy shit. This stuff LITERALLY has no taste. None at all. No wonder so many of the women I know drink it. It’s like water. I just killed half a can and didn’t realize it.
Canned Michelob Ultra.
Livin’ the dream.
Between this and the Tito’s vodka (I’m having a rough weekend), I honestly believe there is no taste left in the world.
Don’t forget every movie being a reboot, sequel, superhero movie (although most of them are good), etc.
Things cost more than they used to, my social security check is late, YOUNG PEOPLE USE CURSE WORDS!!
If you have more mixed shots for later you can just think of it as water you are responsibly drinking to counteract your oncoming hangover while getting slightly over O’Douls levels of alcohol.
I don’t get hangovers. Seriously.
It’s not nice to rub it in. Just drink enough that you’re still drunk the next morning and can sympathize.
No, no, just letting him know not to worry. Later, when I can’t spell and the stairs look like fuckin everest? Everyone gets their revenge.
You are likely at 3.5% or less with that “beer.” Can you call someone? It’s gonna be fast drinking and a lot of peeing if you’re on that for the rest of the day.
I could, but honestly, I’m having fun with this now. I want to see how fast I can burn through a case of beer now that I’m 1, old, and 2, it’s not Case Day.
And if none of you have ever played Case Day, well, I’ll explain later.
Well done. Not fantastic, but 4+ is okay. And I don’t know this case day that you speak of. I’m going to assume that it involves playing Clue while drinking a case of grandpa beer, and please don’t correct me. Mr. Beer did it in the beer with the beer!
Holy shit. Mich Ultra is 4.2% ABV. I had no idea. I’m hydrating AND getting drunker.
Does ANYONE think that hit on Brees was legit roughing?
Not even fucking close.
Drew Brees? Probably Tom Brady? GingerHammer?
The Titans got great value out of those penalties though.
Brandin Cooks actually has caught some passes today? Is it the apocalypse?
HOOCHYCOOCHYDOWN
Jim Bob Cooter?
I am totally using that as my fake name next time I get in any sort of legal trouble.
Murray got sniped.
What absolute bullshit
Pittsburgh with a badass, no-look fumble recovery.
“You don’t see those very often.”
-Stevie Wonder
I had to start CJ Spiller today. That’s a really bad feeling.
Murray got blown up.
C’mon, Derek Carr. My only hope!!!
The P*ts game will be over by 3:40.
It was over at 1:00
You know who else was efficient?
P*ts game was over at 1:20 EST.
http://media.giphy.com/media/5xaOcLycwj475A0q7a8/giphy.gif
Martavis Juggle Action!
/followed by Benception
That’s not an interception and I’m not about to have another martini. TRY TO STOP ME, REFS.
No Vermouth like a proper Martini?
If there’s no vermouth it is not a martini, it is a cup of gin. While I have no problem with cups of gin, if I say I’m having a martini, there is vermouth involved. Less than in a Manhattan, but still present as an ingredient.
Your stance on Martinis is reasonable and well-considered. Also, correct.
Actually, the best martini I ever had was when the bartender put a half shot of Vermouth in the mixer and swirled it around until it mostly evaporated. Made a damn fine drink.
He added the remaining ingredients of course.
Interesting, sort of a vermouth essence sort of thing.
My Grandfather believed you should show the glass a bottle of Vermouth put it away and make the drink.
Stream just froze on a “we take you back to JB.” I think that’s some deity telling me it’s time for more shots.
A reasonable interpretation.
WITNESS HIIIIIIIIM
Goddamn do i hate Russell Wilson and his positive outlook on life.
It’s really odd for a person with a degree from NC State.
It’s like he thinks everything will turn out okay. SMGH.
#Blessed #NanoBubbles
Stupid TyrodDOWN that isn’t to Clay. Countering my sweet 1-yard CarrDOWN
Watkinsdown.
BILLSBOMB TD
Didn’t Dion Lewis sing that song “Bleeding Love”?
Is it Monday yet?
:tomorrow night during the Bears-Chargers game:
Is it Tuesday yet?
One yard runs work when you only need one yard!
LET CARR THROW (or scramble it in PLEAZ)
Drug commercials may be among the most offensive on TV right now.
?
This why all the “Christians” should have their kids smoke everyday.
It’s the hypocrisy. If my beloved opiates are so cuddly and harmless, then let me buy a 1,000 count bottle over the counter and treat my various shitty, failing, old-man organs at home.
God damn it Decker.
Go Jags defense!
IVORYDOWN!
I root FOR elephants.
One Lewis down, one Brady to go.
SWEEP THE LEG
Yes, Chan, more runs directly up the middle on first down.
Army of the Cumberland strikes again.
I’ve always been convinced that I’ll die in a tragic tram accident, but there are a couple alternate possibilities. I only have one wisdom tooth, it’s somewhere in my head, and may eventually venture through my brain to a bit that controls my autonomic nervous system. Today, I realized there is the possibility that my bedroom ceiling fan may fall on my in my sleep. That probably wouldn’t kill me, but the antibiotic resistant infection I got in the ER would. Longshot (10x multiplier on the Vegas odds!), either Kirk Cousins or Jay Cutler throw an errant ball that hits me in the head in a weird way during the WAS/CHI game I’ll be attending in December.
Come on now. Neither of them can throw hard enough to kill a carcinogenic bird, let alone a human being.
So…15x multiplier?
Is your skull made of marzipan or something?
Nah, but you know the movie Double Indemnity? Insurance companies don’t just put bonuses on PROBABLE events.
Wouldn’t you rather die in a funicular accident?
Obviously, but I’ve always had a feeling about the tram thing.
I’ve ridden on the L…not how I’d want to go.
Nah, I mean the European trams. Or really, any street based light rail.
Just thank your lucky stars that the Sex Cannon doesn’t play for either of them. you would be ded.
Ded AND pregnant.
Blimp accident on New Year’s Day.
THE HUMANITY SAYS HAPPY 2020!
Sometimes I wonder about what sort of crime one would have to commit in order to get sentenced to death via being drawn & quartered… I wonder if that’s still a thing anywhere in the world?
Nobody has horses anymore.
BULLSHIT, KLAUS! For some unknown reason, my town now has cops on horseback… who have to clean up after said animals when they crap in the streets. Nothing funnier than watching a cop climb down off his high horse, just to scoop shit into a garbage bag.
I don’t think so…it was only really for treason in England, and they don’t do it anymore.
Let’s have some leftover chili. What? You don’t have leftover chili?
Someone just ordered a pitcher of shock top. Where are the local arsonists when you need them?
Sounds like God is calling you…
Hey, Shocktop isn’t bad… if you’re both massively dehydrated and also somehow dying of scurvy.
If you look around and you don’t see the arsonist, it’s you.
Solid advice for all social situations, really
Sad news; that’s the best beer on tap at my local Minor League Beisbol park.
They should start selling shit like Shock Top in Hot Topic. Pretentious hipster bullshit.
TEDDY BALLGAME
NAWT Diggs
crap
All new Once Upon A time!
Thank god, I was afraid I wouldn’t have anything entertaining to ignore tonight!
THROW TO DIGGS YOU SNOWBOUND POLITE MOTHERFUCKERS
Deon Lewis, ded
gud
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Fantasy helpful!
My Grandmother has a lot in common with the Dolphins. They both have a black cat named Pouncey.
NAWT RAYCESS!!!
Wait, there’s a car commercial tie-in for Hunger Games?
This literally doesn’t surprise me at all. They’d tie in Monsanto, Blackwater and BP to the Hunger Games if the money was right.
I like Antonio Andrews.
Ditka in a Packers sweater? Dick Butkus would be spinning in his grave if he wasn’t still alive.
Maybe if it wasn’t the SAME GODDAMN PLAY every time they might have more success.
It’s like Paul Hackett is back.