Hard Ride To Nowhere (Chapter 13)

The scene: 30,000 B.C., around dinner time. The DFOers who are lost in this era are yet again in the midst of trouble as the tribe that captured them has summoned their god, who happens to be a gigantic ape.

PK (looking up at the huge ape): Wow, that is one big monkey!

Covalent Blonde: That’s an ape, not a monkey, you moron! And thanks to you, he’s probably gonna eat us!

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Maybe we should…I dunno…run?

OSZ (looking at the tribesmen forming a circle around them): It might be too late for that…

Horatio Cornblower: We’ve been nice, but now it’s time to not be nice.

Horatio steps towards the tribesmen. One lunges forward with a spear, which he effortlessly sideteps. He grabs the spear with his left hand, breaking it with his right…which also happens to be his injured arm.

Horatio Cornblower (gritting his teeth): Man, am I glad pain don’t hurt.

The giant ape raises an eyebrow quizzically, then reaches down and picks up Horatio.

Giant Ape: Ook? Ook-ook.

The giant ape, still clutching Horatio in his massive paw, trundles off into the jungle. The DFOers move to follow, but the tribesmen bar their way.

Covalent Blonde: Oh, I am tired of this. These guys wanna play rough? That’s just fine with me.

Covalent Blonde launches herself at the tribesmen, knocking one down. She grabs a second one and drops him with a headbutt, but is tripped up by a spear and knocked to the ground. OSZ moves to help her, but is grabbed by a tribesman. Otto’s Brain falls out of his arms, bounces, and lands in Covalent Blonde’s lap. Covalent Blonde looks blearily from Otto’s Brain to the tribesman, who are lining up in a 3-4 formation.

Covalent Blonde (jumping to her feet with Otto’s Brain cradled in her arm): Yeah!

Cue theme music:

Covalent Blonde trucks the front three tribesmen, and the four behind scatter. She turns and shovel-passes Otto’s Brain into the nearest savage’s groin, then catches the globe on the rebound.

Savage (in a high-pitched voice as he falls over): Oomga…mok…

Otto’s Brain: Could you please aim higher next time? That wasn’t a pleasant view.

Covalent Blonde (hefting Otto’s Brain in one hand): No promises.

Covalent Blonde launches Otto’s Brain at another tribesman, hitting him square in the forehead. He goes down hard as Otto’s Brain rebounds high into the air. A savage tries catches him but OSZ leaps up, grabbing the globe with one hand and taking it away.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van (holding up arms): Touchdown Seahawks!

OSZ flings the globe to Covalent Blonde, who grabs it and then, in quick succession, bounces it off of the heads of three tribesmen, all of whom fall unconscious.

Covalent Blonde (tossing Otto’s Brain to OSZ): Heads up!

OSZ catches Otto’s Brain then uses him as a shield to parry a spear, which shatters against the globe.

Otto’s Brain: Ha! Your puny spears are no good against my high-tech globular goodness!

OSZ rolls Otto’s Brain like a bowling ball to Marc Trestmans Windowless Van, knocking over several tribemen like tenpins in the process. Marc Trestmans Windowless Van scoops up Otto’s Brain, fumbles with him, then accidetally drops him on the foot of a savage who was sneaking up on him. The savage topples over, grabbing his foot as Otto’s Brain rolls over to Covalent Blonde.

Otto’s Brain: The stench of da feet!

Covalent Blonde (picking up Otto’s Brain): Really? I thought better of you.

Otto’s Brain: Well, that was your mistake now, wasn’t it?

Seeing a clear path through the downed tribesmen, OSZ motions to the other DFOers.

OSZ: Let’s get outta here while we can!

The DFOers run for the jungle, just ahead of several angry tribesmen who are still on their feet.

Covalent Blonde: Follow that ape!

To be continued…

 

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Beastmode Ate My Baby
A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986. Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio. He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world's largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

The reason for no Future Naked Moose:

SHRINKAGE!!

entropy

Awwww shit I found drivers for my Bamboo pad… yeah, that means better general-all-around-ness on my scanned and modified drawings. Today is getting better by the goddamn minute.

Covalent Blonde

I tell you, it is a very dangerous world outside of the locker for a Horatio.

I must say that I am tickled that this version of me is equally as quick to ire as day-to-day me. You captured that perfectly!

Sill Bimmons

Oh nothing, just an Earth-sized hexagonal storm at Saturn’s north pole:

comment image

Doktor Zymm

Hexagons are one of my favorite polygons.

entropy

Name five polygons better than a hexagon. You can’t.

ThePirateSloth

Is it terrible that I immediately thought TOUCHDOWN SEAHAWKS when OSZ caught Otto? And then I read it and lost my shit.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That’s OK, I found it; it was at my place of employment.

entropy

Off early on a Friday, drinking my first egg nog of the season (yay Wawa egg nog!), there’s a new Hard Ride to Nowhere, and I’m about to start in on the liquor. This has been a good day.

nomonkeyfun

Me too. At a bar today, but will be hitting up Wawa for sub tomorrow.

Fuckin A man, fuckin A.

entropy

Wawa > Sheetz, by an order of magnitude. There are actually people by me who argue this fact.

Doktor Zymm

Otto Brain Ball technology seems to be far superior to Futurama head in a jar technology. Good for us!

Horatio Cornblower

This may just be me but if we’re going to have a soundtrack to our brawls I’d like to suggest it not involve movies about guys who played for the Jets. That’s just asking for trouble.

entropy

Hey, Flash ….. ahhh-hahhhhhh…. saved everyone of us.

Sill Bimmons

Ad-Rock’s middle name is Keefe.

This amuses me.

blaxabbath

So many offshoots. I feel as confused as Wes Welker.

Sill Bimmons

I guess I’m stuck back in the lab or some shit.

Just like college.

/mutters
//kicks Erlenmeyer flask under mass spectrometer

WCS

I still have yet to be heard from. Just like college!

entropy

As long as I don’t turn out to be the goddamn ape, I’m happy thus far being relegated to the sidelines.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Only two more chapters………

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
nomonkeyfun

If we’re back in college, then Alison Brie and Gillian Jacobs are both lesbians. And not the porn version that so many of us hope for, but the real not interested in guys kind.

Woo nomonkey’s discernment wrt women when he was in college.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I would have the same shot at them full on lesbians as I would if they were heterosexual nymphomaniacs and we were locked in a small room, so I’m good with this.

Old School Zero

Finally, I’m the action flick sidekick I was always destined to be!

ballsofsteelandfury

That music. Perfect choice.

I do particularly enjoy Horatio as Fay Wray. Not sure why, but I do.

nomonkeyfun

I was thinking of Horatio as Jessica Lange, and OSZ as “The Dude”.

Horatio Cornblower

I am so confused masturbating to this.

nomonkeyfun

Only for this part of the saga. For the rest, I’ve imagined you as a young articulate Steven Seagal.

Horatio is Hard to Kill.
Horatio is Marked for Death.
And most importantly Horatio is Under Siege on a boat and a train.

Why the fuck did Tommy Lee Jones and Bogosian agree to be the lead baddies in a Seagal flick?