Your Early Afternoon Slate Open Thread

Oak @ Det: The Raiders have given up more than 400 yards rushing their last two games. They have a chance to get things under control against a Lions run game whose best individual performance this year is 56 yards. (6 QB’s have done better than that so far) The Lions stunned the Pack and pretty much anyone that has a functioning cortex last week. The secondary came up big but they’re banged up this week. You may want to start TE Ebron this week-the Raiders have given a TD to opposing tight ends in 8 out of 9 games this year.

Ind @ Atl: Both of these teams can’t stop anyone at this moment in time so I think that this tilt will be a high-scoring affair that leans towards the home team. Look for the Colts O to adopt more of a West Coast look to in order to better exploit Hasselbeck’s skill-set. That means short crossing routes galore and a heavy dose of the Gore. Atlanta has gotten lucky this year. They’ve played against 4 QB backups so far and sport a 3-1 record against them. They get their fifth in Hasselbeck.

NYJ @ Hou: S Pryor is back for the Jets and the team couldn’t be happier. With him in the lineup opposing QB’s had a 3-6 TD/Intercept ratio. Without him it’s 12-4. Of course injuries to Skrine, Bailey and Cromartie (that’s just the DB’s) may have been a factor as well-I’m not a scientist. If your running game consists of handoffs to the likes of Grimes, Polk and Blue, I’d guess that you’re in a world of trouble going up against the Jetski’s massive D-line and capable ‘backers. Here’s something you don’t usually associate with a 4-5 team. Houston hasn’t allowed a touchdown in 10 straight quarters. JJ Watt will be the first to condescendingly tell you that it’s a team effort but the first to think to himself that it’s all because of him. Yee Haw! TJ Yates gets fed to the wolves today.

TB @ Phi: Tampa is 3-2 in their last five which doesn’t seem like much until you compare it to being 3-23 before that. (slow) Progress! We do like to make fun of HC Smith’s in-game decisioning but his D has responded very well as the season has progressed. The talent was there all along-LB’s David and Alexander, DE’s McCoy and Smith and S McDougald all have above average talent and it’s beginning to shine. Lock up your daughters-it’s Sanchez time. Pedo brings his awesome 4-4 record to bear on an adequate offense that is having trouble scoring. Versus last year at this time the Eagles are down a full converted TD per game. Have teams figured out what HC Kelly is putting out there or is the system held down by god-awful QB play? I’m leaning towards the latter myself.

Den @ Chi: Methinks this is the game that will grab the attention of the majority of zee commenters. I mean, it’s got everything. It’s just that it would take too long to list them all. This one doesn’t look good for Denver, does it? The D has fallen apart and now they’re up against a cool cat at the QB spot that has a scorching 82.6 QBR since week six. Can Osweiler throw beyond 15 yards? A guy like WR Sanders might end up appreciating someone doing that. Denver hasn’t lost three in a row in 4 years until now. Langford has done much more than just fill in for Forte. Jeffery is a game-time decision as is Forte. Don’t you think they’ll keep both out of the game so that they’re good to go against Green Bay in 5 day’s time? If the Bears can get these two wins their season can be turned around in very short order.

StL @ Bal: HC Fisher must be desperate, turning to QB Case Keenum and his 34.5 QBR. His Rams coaching obit will most likely have “Against all common sense, he gave the reins over to Keenum” figuring prominently. Which brings us to the question of “how long will it take for Sean Mannion to get a look-see?”. If you are a Balti-moron (sp?) and are at the game you will get a commemorative coin today! You can use it to not-buy an imitation McCrab cake at your local McDonald’s.

Dal @ Mia: “Huzzah, Romo’s back!” say Cowboys fans and certain fantasy owners much like myself. What? At least I’ve still got my…..uh, thing? [checks] Yes, I still have my thing. Dallas is -2 and I’d jump on that like a Texas hick would his cousin. Suh sure does like his Campbell. He’s more than doubled his tackles, has 4 sacks and has disrupted 8 passes. It’s just a matter of time before he feels like his old self and steps on someone’s face.

Was @ Car: Cousins helped himself to the N.O. D and yours truly to a blow-out fantasy win in my money league. The Slurs have allowed 150 rush yards in 5 straight and it looks to be 6 after today. In PFF overall standings the Panthers have jumped ahead of the P*ts as the number 1 team. This means very little. Ginn bounced back last week but pre-season fantasy darling Devin Funchess gets his very first start today. At 6’5″ and 230 he’s a load.

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Romonobyl

End of the third…start entering the launch codes.

John Difool
Doktor Zymm

Those first couple Romoceptions were just practice, like firing a couple missles over the border into Palestine.

King Hippo

THE POWER OF NFC EAST COMPELS YOU!!

Sill Bimmons

Disabling safety rods now.

Redshirt

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Sill Bimmons

God DAMN McFadden is slow.

blackroseMD1

Is the sound guy in Miami drunk? Who the fuck plays “Gangsta’s Paradise” at an NFL game?

Sill Bimmons

Civic pride.

Doktor Zymm

I can see playing “Amish Paradise” at a Colts game tho.

Old School Zero

MORE VODKA FOR SEABASS

King Hippo

Dear Derek Carr:

Thank you for the fantasy ass-fucking.

Hugs and kisses,

Hippo

ThePirateSloth

TheCorsairKoala just made an appearance when a fucking idiot Seahawks fan tries to start a conversation with me by overhearing my plans for the Steelers game next week and interjecting himself into the conversation about the “Stealers” having an illegal trophy.

After schooling him in the fine arts of football and how terrible a coach Mike Holmgren was…. my urge to kill is rising.

Sill Bimmons

It’s never going to end, you know.

Old School Zero

No killing! Portland popo will kill your ass.

ThePirateSloth

I’m confident Seattle PD will grant me at least 1, considering the idiot.

Fuck this shit

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Breaking news: someone is in this bar, which is ONLY showing the Bears game, wearing an old school Steve Smith Panthers jersey

Bortleback

Is it actually Steve Smith, looking for a baby to punch? Ask him for a list of people who he considers to be trash or fuckboys.

bourb0nblues
entropy

The Skeksis were easily among the most terrifying creatures of my childhood.

bourb0nblues

Agree.

Bortleback

And 2+2=5.

Doktor Zymm

We should totally accept more Syrian refugees into the country. Maybe some of them will be good at football and we can have more than like…4 good teams.

John Difool

That’ll give new meaning to the term “blown-up coverage”

Old School Zero

Can they run block?

Sill Bimmons

“Personal foul, playing defense, on the defense, touchdown Seahawks!”

King Hippo

TWO BradshawDOWNs!!!!

/still getting murdered by foe playing two inactive dudes. MY LIFE

Romonobyl

Dallas secondary is phoning this one in.

Bortleback

If only they had a leader on the D line who could motivate them to actually try. Instead all they have is a woman-beater.

Bortleback
Redshirt

Show that to a teenager. They’ll react like its a Model T.

Sill Bimmons

Hipster douchebaggery knows no bounds.

John Difool

The moms basement version of Hunter S. Thompson?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

The Bears best offense remains throwing it up and relying on penalties to move the ball downfield.

Sill Bimmons

Derek Carr has a Chi-Rho tattoo on his wrist.

Lev 19:28–Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print any marks upon you: I am the LORD.

Doktor Zymm

Don’t apply unless he’s Jewish. Same reason Christians can eat bacon.

But whatever. I’m pretty Cutler about that sort of thing.

Sill Bimmons

Yes it does.

The pick and choose method of Xtian Old Testament interpretation does not apply here.

Use one OT verse, use ’em all or GTFO

Doktor Zymm

*Shrug*

If I were actually some sort of religious, I would subscribe to the heresy of Pelagius. Otherwise most of my philosophy on life revolves around the concept of probability and people’s inability to deal with same.

Sill Bimmons

Not religious either, more of a “Know Your Enemy” type of thing.

Dick E. Phuck

This Colts-Falcons game is like “Kingdom of The Crystal Skull” in the sense that I want to wipe the memory of it completely from my mind.

John Difool

I want to rage quit [*Redacted] s/Panthers so bad but that’s the other game in our area.

Sill Bimmons

I never even saw it.

Everything I know about it comes from this:

http://redlettermedia.com/plinkett/indiana-jones-and-the-kingdom-of-the-crystal-skull/

Romonobyl
John Difool

The [*Redacted] s are setting all kinds of records, unfortunately is usually for the opposing team.

Doktor Zymm

There should be a football version of the Winter classic, but more so, aired in black and white.

http://i0.wp.com/www.footballvets.org/blog/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/old_football_game.jpg

Sill Bimmons

oh jesus hillman

Sill Bimmons

nawt hillmans fault

Doktor Zymm

Osweiler done fuck up.

Bortleback

57 game wait = Brock Lobster confirmed as the new Aaron Rodgers?!

Brocky

oh fuck off fouts.

blackroseMD1

Co-signed.

-Chargers fan

Sill Bimmons

The Ostrich stands tall in the face of the Bears’ onslaught!

Doktor Zymm

If the Panthers beat the Pats in the Super Bowl, I’m gonna find someway to write that as a historical drama of the Crusades.

John Difool

You mean beat refs, don’t you?

Bortleback

I hope Cam throws 3 more touchdowns against the Slurs, just to see how insane the media goes.

Sill Bimmons

My bloggin’ arm is sore.

Old School Zero

I hear frozen blueberries can be helpful.

Sill Bimmons

Haven’t got any:(

Romonobyl

Try typing with trigger finger…not fun.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

As with PeyPey, we’re going to have to take you out back and shoot you.

Dick E. Phuck

The Jets are making Bill O’Brien look like a genius.

Sill Bimmons

There’s a Funchess among us!

Doktor Zymm

By the transitive property, the Panthers are now blowing out the Saints by million of points. MILLIONS.

Damn

Sill Bimmons

BLEERGH DOTH FAVOR THE CAROLINAS

John Difool

Bunches Of Funchess

makeitsnowondem

Trevathan!

Sill Bimmons

SHUT UP MEATBALL

Redshirt

Damn it, Catler. No catnip for you!

Fucking hell Cromartie

Doktor Zymm

Things I am not interested in :
1) Watching BAL/STL
2) Contracting herpes

That’s about it.

Romonobyl

I sleepover date with Charlie Sheen?

Doktor Zymm

Wouldn’t that fall under 2?

entropy

Wrong STD.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Catler clearly felt bad about that nonfumble call

Romonobyl

I just wish he’d quit licking his butt in front of company.

Doktor Zymm

Banana-nana fo fomo, Romo

Romonobyl

i always like to try singing that song with “Chuck” and not swear.

John Difool

Kirk Cousins, a man born without peripheral vision.

Doktor Zymm

I saw him out of the center of my eye!

Romonobyl

I’m sensing we’re approaching critical mass in Miami soon.

Sill Bimmons

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

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John Difool

Romo, It’s like he never left !

Brocky

Romoception 2.

I laughed so hard I woke up my dog. Poor dog

Bortleback

Romo seems to be spreading the Romobyl across the entire game instead of the standard 4th quarter back breaking interception

Doktor Zymm

Oh, Hai Romo!

Sill Bimmons

This Jets — Titans game is an atrocity.

Sill Bimmons

or texans whatev

Bortleback

Oilers?

Romonobyl

Tony…Tony…Tony…

Brocky

God damn this thurd quarter is boring

Romonobyl

You spelled turd wrong.

Doktor Zymm

Me on most dates :
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