Eleven freaking games now and only two at the late afternoon spot? [sighs]
Buf @ Phi: The Bills have played five games this year in which they’ve not turned the ball over. Guess what their record is in those games? If you said 5-0 I’d have to ask you why you’re talking to yourself. But anyway-QB Taylor has done his part and taken great care of the ball, throwing only 4 intercepts and fumbling but once. Can you believe that he was in a QB competition with EJ Manuel? Can you believe that Coach Ryan gave the starting job to the more competent QB? The word ’round philly is that RB Murray will be 4th on the old depth chart today, behind some guy by the name of Barner (who?). He just doesn’t look good does he? The Chipper stunned the Pats and the Eagles fan base last week. The calls for his head are now at low-grumble levels.
SF @ Cle: MANZIEL! GABBERT! That’s about it for this game-moving on…
Det @ StL: Last week the Lions three game win streak was rudely interrupted by a cold, unfeeling universe. St. Louis-in the midst of a five-game skid-knows all about that. HC Fisher was generous enough to let OC Frank Cignetti (who?) take the fall for the unrelenting lousiness of QB’s Keenum and Foles. It was…time to move in another direction Fisher said, completely oblivious to his own career circling the drain.
NO @ TB: The Saints can score with the best of them but they’re getting scored on at an historic rate. CB Browner and company have given up 35..THIRTY-FIVE TD’s through the air this year. Opposing teams QBR rating is 347.6! I didn’t actually look that up but that number sure feels right. Speaking of made-up advanced statistics, the Bucs are sporting a lugubrious -2.7 BTAR (Banana Temperatures Above Replacement) which makes it crystal clear why they are 3-1 in their last 4.
Ten @ NYJ: The Jets are looking to solidify their gelatinous wild card chances against the Titans. The Titans last two wins have been high-scoring squeakers versus the Eagles and Jags. Which QB gets sacked the least in the NFL percentage-wise? If you answered “Haaaaavaaaad” you’d be lucky, right and just plain silly. Look for Fitz to be passing a bit more than usual because Tennessee gives up just over 8 yards per pass play. WR’s DECKER AND MARSHAL SHALL FEAST!
Pit @ Cin: “Gentlemen, start your Steelers…and Bengals!” We may be looking at a high-scoring affair here. Over the last 4 games each of these teams have scored 30 or more 7 out of 8 times. With a win the Steelers chances of getting a Bowl game increase to 77%. Everybody yaks about the Cincy O but the Ben better beware of DE’s Dunlap and Atkins. This duo is the only one in the league that has 8 or more sacks. As well, S Reggie Nelson leads all players with 7 intercepts.
Ind @ Jax: The Pats are given crap about the patsies in their division but what about the Colts? They’ve won 16 in a row in their division which is a record. For now they hold the tie-breaker with the surging Texans (who?) against whom they’ll play in Wk. 15. Gore should have himself a day what with LB Posluszny out and his replacement Jordan Tripp making his very first start. Bortles’ improvement means that the Jags can now compete in shootouts which comes in handy because the D gives away points like candy at Halloween.
SD @ KC: This tilt should be a foregone conclusion. In the last six games the Chiefs have the fifth-best O and the #1 D. Perhaps Rivers will go nuts but he’ll more than likely have an ugly, turnover-heavy day.
Was @ Chi: Against his better judgement RB Pierre Thomas signed with Washington recently. These are two 5-7 teams that don’t know what to do with themselves. The Slurs are winless on the road and Chicago has one lousy win at home. I’m guessing both teams wander aimlessly around the field all game long, a field goal near the end is missed, hands are shaken after the clock has run out and no one ever speaks of this again.
Atl @ Car: This was a fantastic game around wk. 5 or 6 of the season but for Atlanta the L’s have been coming fast and furious since then. Why? Perhaps it has something to do with leading the league in drives ending with a TO-16.5% of the time Ryan finds a defender with a throw or he and his cohorts fumble it away. I’m not sure if you’ve been made aware of this but the Panthers are undefeated at home! CB Norman recently said that WR Who-who-Julio “completes me”. Whaaa?
Sea @ Bal: What does ignoring new plaything TE Graham for most of the year (until he went on IR) get you? For QB Wilson, according to Pro Football Focus, the second-highest QB ranking of 98.98. Somebody has done a half-decent job for the Seahawks given the loss of Graham and Lynch and the late arrival of S Chancellor. Perhaps it’s time we gave that swaggering, gum-chewing ex-college coach a bit of credit.
BORTCANNON?
BORTCANNON!
PAWWLLL DATS NOT HOW WES DO FOOBAWLL IN DA ESSSS EEEEEEE SEEEEEEE PAWL DIS ‘ERE AINT DA ESSS EEEE SEEEE SO HOWS COME DEYS CAN DO DAT GAINST DA TIDE PAWWLLLL
LOLTIDECEPTION!
At first I read Lolita-ception…… which would take some explaining.
* headdesk *
Congratulations AJ! You just threw your first pick six!
He must have thought it was Ole Miss out there ,, smgdh
ESS EEE SEE
https://vine.co/v/h03FzurZYtd
http://45.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lskzv7rHul1qzk2upo1_500.gif
If only that could happen to Favre.
He’d be too busy drowning a deer to even notice
The world needs more Ambush Raccoons.
Rabid Ambush Raccoons!!
MOAR MISSED FIELD GOALS!
Phillip Rivers last year in San Diego? He goes to the Texans or retires?
ALL of their last season in SD.
Are there Rivers in LA?
San Fran, so he can personally wipe out the gay community.
Can’t it be both?
He’ll give up his part time job of football and concentrate on his full time job of procreating
He calls it “spreading the word.”
Pawlll AJ McCarron is going show these Yankee Ohioans some good ol’ EEESSS-EEE-CCX Tackle Footbawl.
http://40.media.tumblr.com/63805ad071bd913014cb12713db1ead2/tumblr_nw4fwyyOQY1ubfgh6o1_500.jpg
Redzone needs to have a sister show just for injuries
Breakdown Lane?
Redzone, sister, the pun is there for the taking.
http://36.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_me7n3fOoDx1qb3mmfo1_500.jpg
Looking at your balls.
“Where everyone has Assburger’s “
Dear NFL-
Thanks for scheduling the Titans.
Sincerely,
The New York Jets
Forth place sched! WOOOOO!
FUCK YO SURFACE
https://vine.co/v/iZ9E75hIddb
Wasn’t aware Taylor Dane changed her name to Laura Omkin.
I hope she remembered where she parked the limo.
Competent clock management from Philadelphia. I don’t know how to handle such things.
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And the refs managed to remember that they’re not reffing a college game, thus not robbing them of time – a rare bit of competency in this season of clusterfucks
I don’t see why PHI fans would behave any different than usual? They’re like Caldwell, except with rage.
http://41.media.tumblr.com/9b4301375e2c47d7ab118345d765236b/tumblr_nwtap8DPJG1uq8yh1o3_1280.png
It would seem that starting JFF in place of Nanobubbles was a poor decision.
Is there a universe in which that is ever wise?
I’m not a contender; just having fun out there.
Holy shit. Wilsons been lighting it up the last month.
Yeah but I hate him.
Bengals new fight song:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gHBvs7zHtXg
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZdNXBgces1Q
Suicide is painless … if you don’t Bungle it.
Halftime in Cincy
I just really love tigers.
http://41.media.tumblr.com/c42f5f6aa8737cb288991482348ab86a/tumblr_ntt12fJ4Ud1uf51wyo1_1280.jpg
Like them now; they are just about gone, sorry to say.
That reminds me, I need to confirm my dentist appointment.
Theres the Hasselderp I still haven’t fully recovered from.
I know I sound like a hater but, Christ, Carolina has had the most fucking cupcake schedule possible.
Well, to be fair, most NFL teams kinda suck
“Meh.”
– New England Patriots, every year
Meanwhile in Carolina:
http://40.media.tumblr.com/fd7c09b803e664146beff915fed64915/tumblr_nyfy9h3YwB1syvjuco1_500.jpg
http://45.media.tumblr.com/017b0cceea5edb275f9136a82b26050c/tumblr_nc5ld2tHyQ1rbrhnko1_500.gif
Imagine what one of those in Indy would look like.
Good thing Greg Olsen has that third leg to fall back on
Welcome back, Eagles offense. Where have you been for the entirety of this season?
CAMDOWN!
Wilkerson is pretty good at teh footy.
Thanks for wasting our times, Zebras.
Greg Olsen’s knee just exploded.
Olden not looking good for Carolina
Olsen
Oh boy. Panthers gearing up for a second round exit.
Derp has gone plaid in Humps/Jax
Stop crying, Mike Tomlin and get off the field.
Just got back from the car wash and Costco. That took forever.
Turn on the tv and no CBS game because they had TNF earlier this week.
SO MUCH VARIETY TO CHOOSE FROM!
Got a CBS game on now.
BWHAHAHAHAHA BORT PART 2: ELECTRIC DERPALO
“Cool! Let me try!”
– Matt Hasselbeck
Enunwa just killed that guy.
Newton hurt.
Falling apple?
Derek Anderson time? Holy fuck.
Was it an unstoppable force or an immovable object?
The NCAA finally caught up to him
I lost a tooth eating lunch. The Injury Bug is getting everyone wearing orange and black.
Sorry to hear about that, I’ve broken a tooth on popcorn before and it totally sucks.
JFFCEPTION!
Cutler getting frisky (or Friskies)!
Not that the Steelers’ defense is great this year, I don’t miss Dick LeBeau.
Jets have the best WR tandem, this is a serious statement. I’m as mystified as you.
I read the entire article on NFL.com this week, just shocked as hell.
I ate a whole bag of sunflower seeds and now my lips are all puffy.
Just remember, Epi-pens are not meant to injected into the genitals. Trust me on this.
MATHISDOWN
BWHAHAHAHAH BORT
The Bears could use a little of the Sex Cannon! Man those were the days.
PSA: The Sex Cannon shot them to a superbowl.
I still miss that bastard
Just tell Cutler to care even less, if that’s possible
The pregnancy rate amongst Chicago area cheerleaders has at least now dipped below the murder rate…
69 yard MARSHALLDOWN!
YAY NOTSLURS
CATLERDOWN!