Your “I Wish Coughlin Was Coaching One Of These Teams” Wild Card Game Open Thread

csb/ When I was at university I would go back home for holidays, spring break and the summer and sling milk for my dad so that I could have spending money. Pere had the expectation that when I was finished schooling I would join him in the business. One morning during Xmas break I was on my way to make a delivery at a grocery store and the announcer on the radio said, “Congratulations folks, today [insert hometown] is the coldest place in Canada!” Shortly thereafter I decided that the cow liquid business was not for me…

Sea @ Min: TAKE THE UNDER! The Weather Network tells me that by game time it’ll be 1 degree but will feel like -11. This would be a good spot for Peyton because he’s accustomed to not having any feelings in his fingers. But this is the NFL and we can’t have nice things. Sigh. Pundits (that have completely forgotten that Minny has been a dome team for 32 of the last 34 years) think that this will give the Vikes an advantage. Coping with the weather? No. Given these D’s I wouldn’t think that this was going to be a high-scoring game under any circumstance. Seattle did blow the Vikes balls off in wk. 13 but the former was cracking on all 24 cylinders and the latter was missing a couple of safeties, LB Barr and DT Joseph. I give Minny a puncher’s chance here-they’ve got to win the turnover and special teams games. That said, I’m making Seahawks Tyler Lockett my game MVP. Now, START YOUR TYPING FINGERS!

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theeWeeBabySeamus

This NFL Moment in Punter Derp has been brought to you by….
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Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

I too am shirtless in Minnesota, people! Granted I am visting Zygi Wilf’s secret sex dungeon, but fun nonetheless!

...

Mike Zimmer looks like the manager of a Wal-Mart who treats everyone like shit because he is super bitter about his lot in life and because suppressing total payroll costs gives him a bigger bonus.

Doktor Zymm

I hope the long snapper does something dumb next.

ThePirateSloth

NEWMAN

/getting it out of my head now

Romonobyl

TeleNOvella.

fleshwound_NPG

Tax commercials. We are so, so close to phasing Danica Patrick out of our lives…

Recovery Whiskey

At least until she wins a race … Oh wait

fleshwound_NPG

NASCAR will try their damnedest

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Ever notice that in every DirectTV commercial, the characters without cable are more likeable?

Brocky

Was that the snow mizer song?

http://cdn.meme.am/instances/500x/59112126.jpg

Doktor Zymm

Disappointed the shirtless moron didn’t bother to paint himself

entropy

Oh, I’m sure he did, but the paint froze and dropped off already.

John Difool

Give it a few minutes and he won’t need paint to turn purple.

...

SHIRTLESS ASSHOLE IN THE STANDS EVERYBODY DRINK

Brocky

So, it looks like 2 separate Pittsburgh coaches will get fined for separate incidents after last night. I can’t remember the last time that happened

Recovery Whiskey

And yet the result stands.

entropy

It was probably the god damn Jets.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Justice iz served!

Romonobyl

As cold as it is Cris, I’m sure all tight ends are covered.

King Hippo

Make a dangerous throw, that wouldn’t have gotten you in the end zone anyway. Jeebus, Teddy.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

When Teddy said he wanted to be like Favre, I didn’t think he was serious.

John Difool

“gaping hole”
“penetration”
“splitting between”
Al and Chris are gonna totally tuck in the booth before this game is over, right?

...

Gotta keep warm somehow.

Romonobyl

Anything to stay warm.

bourb0nblues

Shoulda run on 3rd and 4th down there. Fuckers.

Redshirt

Is there a rhinoplastologist in the house?!

ThePirateSloth
fleshwound_NPG

Punter not in concussion protocol, just re-adjusting his nose.

King Hippo

tis ok, nobody woulda shared their blow with him today anyhow

Romonobyl

What kind of player sits out with a nose boo-boo?

litre_cola

Its un-canadian.

Redshirt

You know after last night’s WWE-style match against Steelers and Bengals, going back to regular NFL is kind of boring.

...

I watched the highlights this morning. It looked even dirtier upon the rewatch.

King Hippo

I know y’all be DYING to ask, and the answer is NO, Hauschka never punted at NC State.

Doktor Zymm

“Penetration”
teehee

litre_cola

Into a gaping hole Al?

ThePirateSloth

I giggled at “penetration could happen”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Lexus: automobiles for hot people who like to fuck.

...

So which automobile is for people who have to settle but still like to fuck?

litre_cola

Datsun

King Hippo

Hyundai, for those who are grateful for the occasional, disinterested handjob

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yugo fuck yourself

entropy

Clearly, I have magic powers today. What would you like to happen next? I accept bribes.

Romonobyl

Every car at the game has a dead battery?

ThePirateSloth

Have a case of Yuengling arrive at my door

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Naked Christina Hendricks?

entropy

Sorry, she’s on her way here.

John Difool

Aaron Rodgers and maybe the sudden onset of a very bad flu?

ThursdaySkyGoddess

Adrian Peterson’s leg falls off and Teddy Bridgewater goes legend without him.

comment image

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Teddy already plays better without him.

Brocky

so there’s this lotto wednesday… I don’t need the whole prize but can ii get like 200K?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Tarantasaurus wanders on field, eats Adrian Peterson.

entropy

I will do everything I can to make this happen.

I read a book once on consensual reality, basically, things exist because we agree they do…. I’m not asking you to clap real loud, but every extra wish helps.

Redshirt

Put me on the Bengals sideline with 0:30 to go last night. I got two players I need to kick in the nuts to put right what once went wrong.

entropy

I have magic powers TODAY. They are not retroactive, or the goddamn Jets would be in the playoffs,

Redshirt

Alright, then just have Burfict and Jones get kicked in the nuts TODAY then.

entropy

DONE.

King Hippo

How much shorter ya reckon FG range is today?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Depends at what temp do toes break off?

litre_cola

Momma Cola just texted me that Bud Grant didn’t allow heaters on the bench in his day. I asked here if he also wore an onion on his belt, return question was if I was drunk already.

Romonobyl

This takes “Ice up, Son” to whole new levels.

Doktor Zymm

Do you think the cold is causing poor clock management? CAUSE IT IS COLD.

fleshwound_NPG

“In YYYOOOUSTON we already had a touchdown by know. CAUSE IT WAS NOT COLD!!!”

litre_cola

Gaping hole eh Al?

theeWeeBabySeamus

.That’s just….just….Awww shit, I’ve been renderered speakless.

bourb0nblues

Growler of a local black IPA

Spanky Datass

Tito’s spicey Bloody Mary

entropy

That’s my next drink, Tito’s and Iced Tea!

I asked a friend once what mixed well with Tito’s, and his entire response was, “Ice.”

litre_cola

What kind of Sleemans? Big fan of Honey Brown, and Cream Lager.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Semi-cheap vodka shots, chased with Monster Energy.
Drunk and awake, thank you very much.

Romonobyl

Sticking with coffee for now, subject to change.

Gratliff

Most punter play possible.

Recovery Whiskey

Early derp

Kungjitsu

If I was a punter — playoffs, Super Bowl, to save the galaxy — I would never run with the ball. I damn sure wouldn’t jump in the air with the ball.

Recovery Whiskey

Ryan was a RB in the CFL. He can’t help it sometimes

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Punters can’t jump

King Hippo

Clemson’s punter has a new spirit animal.

fleshwound_NPG

THE COLD IS NOT WHY HE FUCKED UP THE SNAP, YOU FUCK

Sharkbait

But narrative!

Redshirt

Punter: “Think happy thoughts! THINK HAPPY THOUGHTS!”

Spanky Datass

Stupid liquored-up punter. smdh

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

So…entropy has magic powers?

entropy

I AM YOUR GOD NOW

fleshwound_NPG

After what we saw late last night we cannot call that a total derp

...

They just need to warm up the derp engine. Give it time.

Redshirt

Last night was beyond derp.

Brocky

Nothing infuriates/motivates a team like an injured punter.

they may be special teamers, but they’re OUR special teamers.

JustStopDude

the Derp is strong in this punter…

Doktor Zymm

HAHAHA, FINALLY SOME DUMB SHIT!

King Hippo

womp womp

entropy

Would someone do something ridiculously stupid, please? This is boring.

...

Are you happy now?

bourb0nblues

There ya go.

Sharkbait

Well. There you go.

Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water

Ask and ye shall receive

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

You got your wish.

ThursdaySkyGoddess

Ask and ye shall receive.

John Difool

Are you a wizard?

litre_cola

And there ya go.

King Hippo

please feel free to try that again in a few minutes

Redshirt

Would someone give me the winner Powerball numbers for Wednesday, please? This is boring.

Recovery Whiskey

Beastless Mode

fleshwound_NPG

Skittles kills off lime skittle and first playoff game this happens. Coincidence?

Doktor Zymm

If Russell Wilson was actually on fire then his teammates could gather around him to warm their hands and toast marshmallows!

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Mr. Locke, what would you say… you do here?

John Difool

Pearl Jam *drink*

fleshwound_NPG

Would it kill them to rock some Heart or Queensryche

John Difool

Or some Melvin’s

entropy

Mudhoney, maybe? Fuckin Helmet?

Recovery Whiskey

Sky Cries Mary

litre_cola

Screaming Trees please.

Recovery Whiskey

What year is this,1992?

theeWeeBabySeamus

I’m 15 minutes late to the party and you fucknuts are already 200 comments in? Holy shit.
Well fuck that, I ain’t reading back.
But I am impressed nonetheless.
http://seahawksdraftblog.com/wp-content/uploads/GolfClap2.gif

Romonobyl

I remember this kind of weather as a kid in Illinois. The ol’ sac would shrink up like a dried apricot from November until mid-March.

Gratliff

ONe of the rarely mentioned novelties of cold weather living.

packpowerfan

I wonder if it is cold there. I sure hope they tell us.

King Hippo

Fingers crossed!! Oh shit, they done broke off.

litre_cola

Did you know Jimmy Graham played basketball? I guarantee even though he isn’t playing this little unknown tidbit will be thrust upon us.

packpowerfan

RICHARD SHERMAN WENT TO STANFORD, FITZPATRICK WENT TO HARVARD, ADRIAN BEATHISON WENT TO ALAMO MEMORIAL MIDDLE SCHOOL IN FUCK YOU, TEXAS.

John Difool

A.P. might want to walk back statement that no one on Seattle’s defense can stop him ’cause all of them just did on one play.

entropy

He clearly said no ONE, leaving open the possibility for entire team to kill him simultaneously.

Shogun Marcus

Couldn’t beat em back with a stick!