Your “This Game’s Gonna Be Great!…Hopefully” Wild Card Tilt Open Thread

GB @ Was: The weather in Washington, UK is 41 degrees but it feels like 34. However I don’t think that it’s going to be an issue for this game. It’s been quite some time since the Slurs hosted a playoff game. This’ll give you an idea:

-Bread was only .25 but you had to slice it yourself.

-Women holding mics on the sidelines were called ‘assistants to someone that matters’ or ‘wanton hussies’.

-The NFL called concussions ‘a figment of everyone’s fevered imaginations’.

-Dan Snyder was in grade school, mixing Lysol and tap water together, labeling it as ‘lemonade’ and selling it for a buck a glass to his classmates.

-speaking of school, Tom Coughlin was walking uphill thru 4 feet of snow to a one-room schoolhouse.

-bananas hadn’t been invented in a Monsanto hothouse yet.

Those were the days, huh? Contrary to what every Packers backer thinks/the expectation of the casual NFL fan/common sense/all that is good and right in the world, Wash has an enormous advantage at the QB spot. Over the last 10 games Rodgers has a 57% completion rate and a 16TD/6INT ratio. Over that same span Cousins’ passes have found their mark 72 percent of the time and his TD/INT ratio is a “am I reading this right?” 23-3! But wait! The Slurs didn’t win a single game against a team that was over .500. Also, of Cousins 11 picks, 7 came against the blitz. There is a team playing today that blitzed the 5th-most this year. I’ll give you a second or two to figure out which one it is. Hint-for this game only the Pack D has named themselves “The Cousins Fuckers”. Now that you’ve got every single relevant bit of data related to this game, well, start with the typing!

 

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Doktor Zymm

THANK YOU FOR THE POWERS ENTROPY!

entropy

I AM HERE TO HELP EVERYONE WHO IS NOT THE GOD DAMN JETS APPARENTLY

Wakezilla

Looks like they should be called the Reedskins

/rimshot

litre_cola

Sad that I chuckled at this when someone should post a NOT FUNNY gif.

makeitsnowondem

So I had Jordan Reed in that Football Outsiders fantasy playoff thing and WOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Sharkbait

Hmmm…Jordan Rees appears to be good at football.

ThursdaySkyGoddess

REEDDOWN!!!!

blaxabbath

I feel like Cousins is going to be able to get Dan Snyder to give him a couple draft picks as part of his contract extension.

Doktor Zymm

Dear Jordan Reed. You are awesome and you lived up to the faith I had in you by drafting you in fantasy before it was cool. Please don’t get injured any more.
Love,
Zymm

...

Awww… I think he loves you too. <3

litre_cola

Letter answered.

litre_cola

God does it pain me to want Dan Snyder success over the self indulgent Pack.

blaxabbath

They need to show more Snyder in the owners box.

John Difool

Reed throwing shade to O.D.B.

entropy

I hate that phrase.

litre_cola

Throwing?

entropy

Hallway there! Throwing shade is fucking insipid.

litre_cola

Heads on lawn and shakes fist!

/agree with you though

blaxabbath

5-0 is not a score I expected to tune in and see.

...

You guys, I think Jordan Reed is good.

Wakezilla

He’s no Chris Cooley!

entropy

I base how drunk I am on how well I remember certain song lyrics. That said, I remembered all of Silversun Pickups “Skin Graph,” so I am either totally fucked or bombed. There is is no middle ground?

laserguru
Kungjitsu

WHY DO ALL OF YOU SUUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKK!!!

–A.A. RON RODGERS

Gratliff

About to give up on this and go watch the Up Up Down Down Madden finals

Doktor Zymm

HA!
TIME FOR MORE INEFFECTIVE OFFENSE! WOOOO I DON’T REALLY LIKE YOU BUT GO COUSINS!

LeggoMyRiggo

reverse racist…

Glorious Chairman Dan

Why are you anti-Kirk?

Doktor Zymm

I’m not really anti-Kirk, I’m just not convinced he’s a franchise QB and I don’t want this good run to skew the draft.

Wakezilla

He definitely seems like he’s the 13th or 14th best starting QB in the NFL. Which I’m not so sure is good enough to win a Super Bowl unless you have a #1 ranked defense

makeitsnowondem

I wish the Broncos had the 13th or 14th best starting quarterback this year. 🙁

Doktor Zymm

I wouldn’t mind having him start for the next couple years, but I still think they should draft a QB and train him up.

makeitsnowondem

Looks like being a hometown hero has gone to Jared Abbrederis’s head. SMDH.

Wakezilla

Holy shit. It’s still the first quarter? Didn’t this game start over an hour ago?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Did they just show Superman as having MINIONS? What the actual fuck?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I intentionally zone out commercials, but that seems stupid. I refuse to believe it. Superman is the worst comic book character anyways

/come at me

LeggoMyRiggo

is Spencer Long wearing pantyhose?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

More like Spencer Leggs, amirite?

Doktor Zymm

So…is it weird that I’m way more comfortable with this than I am with success? I’ve been conditioned to expect failure as a fan and it’s almost a relief when it happens.

...

It’s why you subconsciously chose to live near Cubs fans.

WCS

Sounds like you have Stockholm syndrome.
http://i50.tinypic.com/2drdyti.gif

Doktor Zymm

Stockholm is actually one of my favorite cities. I would totally buy a summer home there if I won Powerball.

entropy

Me and a friend have an agreement to buy a crooked house in Amsterdam if either of us wins. He buys, and I’m security. I buy, and he’s in charge of the bar.

Doktor Zymm

Cheers, if it happens let us know and I’ll come visit.

litre_cola

DFO clubhouse?

ballsofsteelandfury

YES!

Romonobyl

You’d make an excellent Cowboy fan.

/ducks

Doktor Zymm

You can’t see it cause internet, but I am giving you the stinkeye SO HARD right now.

King Hippo

we know you dated P*ts, but did you ever date one of…THOSE?

ballsofsteelandfury

Who do you think tried to stick their finger in her butt?

Doktor Zymm

Nah, most Cowboys fans probably aren’t masochistic enough to put up with the level of abuse they would receive.

Romonobyl

You’d be surprised, unfortunately.

nomonkeyfun

Dok,
I am a Mets, Knicks, Gints, Rangers, Johnies fan, and someone who’s favorite day was Obergfell decision wasthe greatest day ever, so this is really painfull. Go redacteds. Plus I really like Six flags.

Doktor Zymm

Appreciated. Hugs all around.

...

I always enjoy when New York sports team fans deviate from the normal alignment of teams. Like, why are you Mets fan when you picked the better of each NY team for all other sports? This fascinates me.

entropy

Fellow Mets fan here. So, let me just say, fuck you.

nomonkeyfun

I was 8 in 86. That should answer any questions. Plus my Dad was NY Giants Baseball fan.

entropy

Random acoustic “Rooster” on the Youtube?! I ok with this.

laserguru

So it’s in the 50’s, overcast and cold for L.A. but were going to fire up the grill and cook some pork chops and shrimp and I’m going to have some beers and shots, my vaping unit is full of juice and I’ve got a new batch of blue dream to smoke.

Let the healing begin.

God help me I still love this fucking sport so much.

We can draft for depth, we have the brand new stadium opening next year and just like my beloved Cubbies we over-exceeded expectations by a year and we will be back next year to kick some righteous ass!

SKOL Vikings!

ballsofsteelandfury

Clearly, the drinking has already begun.

laserguru

Oh yeah. We’re fired up with the big guns.
WOO!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

What do you mean ‘but’? It’s grilling time 365 there.

evilbeaver8

Nice work by the pharmaceutical companies cashing in on the heroin boom by marketing opioid constipation fighting drugs.

ballsofsteelandfury

I feel that ad was squarely aimed at JustStopDude.

Doktor Zymm

1100+ comments in the first open thread! Well done, us, for breaking the millenium mark! It’s a respectable season rushing total!

...

THESE OPEN THREADS I CALL THEM ADRIAN PETERSON BECAUSE THEY’RE FULL OF PAIN AND AREN’T SAFE FOR CHILDREN.

...

Wait… that was close to being right.

/checks beer bottle

Oohhh… that’s why.

Bortleback

Fewer fumbles though

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I really did audibly laugh, then chuckle for 15 more seconds after reading this (LOL is bullshit at this point, it doesn’t mean it)

That being said, you are a terrible person. Never change

...

Awww… I’m terrible for people like you.

Recovery Whiskey

My drugs backed me up! Better take more drugs

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Just because commercials

comment image

Doktor Zymm

I used to have one of those vintage pointy boob bras. I liked it, I should get another.

JustStopDude

comment image

“Squirrel and Hedgehog” has to be the best Children’s show coming out of North Korea.

King Hippo

yup, the Packers want Fatass McCarthy fired.

entropy

I’m sad to say
I must be on my way
So buy me beer and whiskey
For I’m going far away (far away)

The Pogues, Sally Maclennane

Sharkbait

Let’s try this again:
comment image

ballsofsteelandfury

There it is!

Doktor Zymm

I don’t know why, but I find it super funny when everyone gathers around the punted ball and just kinda stares at it.

Kungjitsu

So, we’re totally blaming Olivia Munn for this, right?

Dunstan

“You shouldn’t. She didn’t do anything! Seriously.” — Aaron Rodgers

...

I like Aaron Rodgers, but I really enjoy that he’s been so shitty today.

Sharkbait

comment image?oh=8b339768794cba24cf23452e7c7e0323&oe=5743F048

Wakezilla

So, if Sean Penn and the Latina Actress are responsible for getting El Chapo caught, we can pretty much expect both to be horribly murdered within the year, right?

John Difool

God I hope so

ballsofsteelandfury

Yup. Too bad about the Latina actress.

...

Unusual score boner!

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

DeSean’s worse at breaking planes than the Shoe Bomber

Doktor Zymm

I would watch a VH1 “Behind the Music” about the Hogettes.

Glorious Chairman Dan

The [*Redacted] s will now lose by four points.

Doktor Zymm

*Sticks fingers in ears* SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP.

Yeah, you’re probably right.

entropy

That’s obviously out front,

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

It’s outback o’ the place next to it.

King Hippo

no rules, just right!!

John Difool

5-0….. Nationals over Brewers

King Hippo

Look at it this way, Dok. 5-nil is totes a cooler scoreline.

Doktor Zymm

Yeah…I know….but still…..

I wouldn’t be comfortable with a 4 score lead. I’ve seen em fuck away more.

makeitsnowondem

Just asked this on the wrong open thread:

Wait, why doesn’t the endlessly extending plane of the goal line make that a touchdown? DeSean’s not out of bounds until his foot hits the ground, right?

...

Ball has to break the plane inbounds.

ballsofsteelandfury

I don’t think that’s the case. I think a foot had to hit the pylon or the end zone and then the ball can be outside.

...

You know, the fact the NFL makes this so goddamned complicated pisses me off.

ballsofsteelandfury

Yup

makeitsnowondem

This is insane. Why do I watch this every week?

Wakezilla

GO FOR IT!

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Zymm cursed them with premature climax.