Gazing Into Balls’ Crystal Balls – Week 13

This is my weekly outlook as to who will make the playoffs,  who won’t,  who will win,  and who won’t.

Essentially,  it will be an exercise in pissing Hippo and Moose off.

Also,  as promised,  I’m keeping track of what I say week to week so you can call me out on any bullshit you may see. At the end of the season,  I’ll recap and highlight in green any predictions I got right.

If any.

Without further ado, TO THE STANDINGS!

AFC

Balls’ crystal balls are staying strong as the official standings are pretty reflective of what I have been seeing.

Last week, I mentioned that the AFC divisional races and the Wild Card races were pretty much over and that the only intrigue left was to see the seedings. I stand by that assessment in the sense that the teams are locked in as every other team in the AFC is absolute dogshit.

I also said that the ambrosia salad days of mayo, Wonder bread,  and vanilla ice cream are over and that it’s Lamar Time! After a third straight win,  Harbaugh would be nuts to switch back back now.

I could see Baltimore possibly overtaking the Steelers for the AFC North although that won’t mean much in the big scheme of things.  I’ll keep things the same for now,  but an embarrassing loss at Oakland will move Baltimore into the division winner spot.

Here is how I see them finishing this week:

#1 – Kansas City

#2 – New England

#3 – Houston

#4 – Pittsburgh

#5 – San Diego

#6 – Baltimore

Here is the comparison to previous weeks:

# 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 Actual
1 KC KC KC
2 NE NE NE
3 PIT HOU HOU
4 HOU PIT PIT
5 LAC LAC LAC
6 BAL BAL BAL

AFC Playoffs

11 12 13 14 15 16 17 Actual
WC1 PIT>BAL PIT>LAC PIT>LAC
WC2 HOU>LAC HOU>BAL HOU>BAL
D1 NE>PIT NE>HOU NE>HOU
D2 KC>HOU PIT>KC KC>PIT
C NE>KC NE>PIT NE>KC

Funny how I said last week that Pitt makes too many mistakes to be able to achieve anything this season. They completely proved me right on Sunday Night and I really don’t think they’ll get it fixed.

Kansas City also makes mistakes,  but they make big plays to make up for them, which is what Pitt’s been missing.  That will cost the Chiefs in a matchup against New England, who is quietly loading up for another deep run and is notorious for pouncing on the opponent’s mistakes.

And yes,  the Chargers beat Pittsburgh in Pittsburgh,  but I don’t see them doing that twice in one season.

NFC

The Cowboys and Seahawks are continuing their climb up the standings doing what they needed to do to justify me including them in the Balls Gazings (TM pending).

The NFC East race is tightening up as the Eagles pulled themselves within a game of Dallas last night and play them next week. The Potato Skins lost Alex Smith and Colt McCoy and their season is now kaput. I’ll still keep Dallas as the division winner with a big eye on what happens next week.

The Seahawks are solidly in the #5 spot and it’s a crapshoot as to who will get the last Wild Card. The Panthers have a very difficult schedule but should be formidable if they win out. The same goes for the Eagles. Neither team will.

Given last night’s game, though,  I’m putting the Eagles in and the Panthers out.  This is only because the Eagles are the defending Super Bowl champs and that experience counts.

Among the other contenders,  suckiness abounds and neither I nor the Asian masseuse near LAX think much of the Vikings’ chances.

Here is how I see them finishing this week:

#1 – Rams

#2 – Saints

#3 – Bears

#4 – Cowboys

#5 – Seahawks

#6 – Eagles

Here is the comparison to previous weeks:

# 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 Actual
1 LAR LAR LAR
2 NO NO NO
3 CHI CHI CHI
4 DAL DAL DAL
5 CAR SEA SEA
6 SEA CAR PHI

NFC Playoffs

11 12 13 14 15 16 17 Actual
W1 SEA>CHI CHI>CAR PHI>CHI
W2 CAR>DAL SEA>DAL SEA>DAL
D1 SEA>LAR SEA>LAR LAR>PHI
D2 NO>CAR NO>CHI NO>SEA
C NO>SEA NO>SEA NO>LAR

With the substitution of Philly for Carolina in the last Wild Card slot,  I now am taking away the home playoff win that I gave the Bears last week. No titty kissing in Chicagoland.

I’m also changing the Divisional matchups as I have both Wild Cards winning over weak division champions. Hippo will get his prized Rams in the NFC Championship and it will be the real Super Bowl as the winner will handle New England in The Asshole.

Superb Owl

Saints beat New England.

11 12 13 14 15 16 17 Actual
NO>NE NO>NE NO>NE

***

Go ahead, yell at me and tell me I’m stupid.

ballsofsteelandfury

ballsofsteelandfury

International Member of the Geelong Cats and recovering Steelers fan. Likes Butts. And Balls. And Boobs. Pretty much anything that starts with the letter B. Preferably together.
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BrettFavresColonoscopyMoose -The End Is Well NighHoratio Cornblowerballsofsteelandfuryyeah right Recent comment authors
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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Shhhh, I’m preemptively giving myself a hangover.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Need new bags.

Wakezilla

“Here is how I see them finishing this week:

#6 – Baltimore”

Crystal balls? More like time to clean your balls because Miami is taking the #6 spot, son!

Miami plays Buffalo, Vikings, Jags and P*ts. I’m not saying they will, but, they could win out.

Meanwhile, Baltimore plays the Chefs , Chargers and uh, other teams.

/Ron Howard voice: Wakezilla is still in denial about the LOLphins’ inevitable 8-8 finish

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

You can’t give Balls a hard time for forgetting about the…um…[rereads Wakezilla’s comment]…oh, right, the Dolphins!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Game Time Decision

I’m just hoping for a good superb owl. The last few have been close, and i hope that trend continues

blaxabbath

HOU will take it all.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Oh, we have one of THOSE.

Horatio Cornblower

How? Houston doesn’t even have a team.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

There is only nuts in that town.

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yeah right

Actually I do think the Vikings make it. Carolina is lost. Cam may be lost for the season. Next Monday night is a playoff game basically. If the Vikes win it they will win out. Miami, Detroit and home against Chicago. I don’t think they’ll be worth a tin shit in the playoffs but I can see them getting in.

Back to my massage.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Is the division still within reach? I sure would love it if the Vikings were able to bounce the Bears from the playoffs.

yeah right

Just a game and a half back with one more head to head on the last game of the season.

yeah right

Plus the Bears play the Rams and Packers the next two weeks. Definitely still a chance.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

The year of the Chefs, IMHO.

KC/LAR Superb Owl. KC takes the Lombardi by a TD or less.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

HAHAHAHA…….JK; as good a guess as any in #%probability.

theeWeeBabySeamus

If KC manages to fall to Baltimore this weekend, I might change my mind.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

They have been up for a lot of games in a row; they may be due for a letdown game, which may bring them a sense of reality.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I hate KC because they are in the division, but I’d be OK with that result because it would piss off the P*ts third-world country to no end…. BLAME!!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The Chiefs are too fragile – they are completely dependent on that offense, and damage to a single moving part sends the whole thing into a tailspin. Subtract Kareem Hunt and they were competitive with the Raiders for god’s sake. Losing Kelce midway through last year’s divisional game completely wrecked their offense. They may close out the season strong – they usually do – but that playoff curse will rear its ugly head again, like it always does.

theeWeeBabySeamus

So lemme get this right? The Donks fan and the Raiders fan are discounting KC?

Hmmmmm…I’m sure there’s no hate fueled bias involved here whatsoever.

😀

theeWeeBabySeamus

Doesn’t mean you’re wrong, of course.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Oh, no, no, no, no. There’s a TON of hate-fueled bias here.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Well Yay foar that, at least.
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Metric?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Where did I discount them? I agree with Rikki to a certain extent, but every team is fragile in certain ways; you take Gronk or Edelman out and NE’s offense is discombobulated. NE has a much better defense, which could get them through a playoff game, but still. In the AFC West division games are close a lot of times no matter the quality because of the familiarity. The Bolts are a better team as a whole than the Donks, but still lost to them.

If you can score a 40 burger on just about anybody like KC can, you can win a lot of games. Even in the playoffs where that gets a lot tougher.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Relax dude, I’m just screwing with you.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Yes; that’s why I screwed back you big dummy. Keep in mind I do hate the Chefs, but hate NE much more, an unnatural rage.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I don’t think any of us other than Maestro would call that unnatural.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

You have not seen my Aztec rituals to encourage the Football Gods to act on P*ts Humiliation.

*I think we have four P*ts fans including Maestro-domus.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

You ain’t pissing me off, life’s too short for me to devote that type of energy to the trivial; the world is full of prognosticators who are wrong. Making fun of your predictions is not a sign of being pissed off, in fact I find your “logic” highly amusing. Keep up the unintentional/intentional humor! These next few weeks are critical to the marginal teams and seeding (perhaps ceding). Your current column in the chart is very useful! Even if the formatting is boring.

That’s the great thing about the NFL playoffs; weird shit happens and unexpected teams get hot, injuries happen….. some of your predictions could, however unlikely, come true. Unlike with a other sport with series where the better team will usually win; the one game can be down to a weird bounce or uncharacteristic mistake. This has great fallout; fans will look for someone to blame and lose their shit with much jersey clutching. In most cases the target of the blame is only marginally responsible, and their vitriol is idiotic and hilarious. To be fair; a lot of the TV “experts” are also as amusing as you, if not more so, but even more exaggerated with a national audience to preen to. They too, let prejudice and rooting interests interfere with a logical process of analysis to determine probabilities.

Of course I do not speak for Hippo or any stray betting/ fantasy anger issues, or prescription drugs mood influences.

I write this because I CARE, MAN.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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King Hippo

I have so much trouble finding value that I am rarely betting on the NFL. Not that I am any better in other Footy types, mind.

My logical fault is with “I don’t see them doing that twice” thing. You thought I was high to suggest the Clippers du Merde would beat them in Yinz-ville once, now that it has actually happened in no way makes it less likely. Now King Laserface goes in there KNOWING he can do it.

As I said, they have the combo of physical defense and passing ability, which is Yinzer kryptonite.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

OK, betting aside; the drugs will heave-ho…..

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

https://www.reuters.com/article/us-usa-eu-idUSKBN1O3102

You will thrive in the “New World Order.”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Horatio Cornblower

“Now King Laserface goes in there KNOWING he can do it.”

Mrs. Laserface: -sigh- “Don’t I know it.”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

People are consistently underselling the trickster god DOINK’s effect on the games.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Boops are also prevalent.

nomonkeyfun

Yes they are.
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Oh, you said BOOPS.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Mike McCarthy is no longer coaching the Packers.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Oh, you meant tits-boobs…… so yes.

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Wakezilla

Got damn

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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