How I Know If You’re Stupid

If there is a conversation about almost any topic, and you make a statement that starts with “My thing is…”, then you have done me a great service because I now know I don’t have to pay attention to anything else you say. What follows “My thing is…” is invariably an opinion for which you have absolutely no supporting evidence. Frequently “My thing is…” a viewpoint that is so painfully obvious that it need not be spoken, yet it is delivered with such earnestness and conviction as if you are the only person on earth to whom this great truth has been revealed. A lot of times “My thing is…” thinly-veiled racism.

“My thing is, they shouldn’t have even been cutting off the heads of those puppies in the first place.”

You have something so important to add to the conversation that you can’t even be bothered to pause long enough to come up with “My opinion is…”, “In my experience…”, “I’ve always believed…” No, this stance you’re taking is too significant, a point too salient to be stalled by coherent vocabulary, sequiturs be damned!

“My thing is, why can’t they just learn English?”

The other good news is that “My thing is…” occupying close to 100% of your conscious thought, helpfully blocking pesky new ideas and other conversation from entering and potentially distracting you from sharing your great wisdom with us. It would be a tragedy indeed if you had to listen to and engage with others; process their comments and allow multiple viewpoints to inform your opinions and experiences.

“My thing is, I don’t want to get salmonella poisoning.”

So thank you for not depriving us. Thank you for giving us actionable information, the kind that allows us to determine how much heed we should pay you. Because MY thing is that you are an idiot.