Joe Buck: Welcome everyone to beautiful new US Bank Stadium here in Minneapolis, where this afternoon the Vikings will open their season against the New York Giants. Troy, this stadium is really something, isn’t it?

Troy Aikman: You’re absolutely right, Joe. This clear roof makes it feel like we’re outdoors, but I can tell we’re indoors because Vikings fans are gassy.

Joe Buck: You ain’t kidding, partner. The stench here is really something, like if lutefisk and beer got married and moved into a landfill. But hey, other than that, the new stadium looks great! Sure was nice of the folks here in Minnesota to support Vikings’ owner Zygi Wulf financially, but then I’m sure the public’s investment will pay off in some way.

Troy Aikman: You’re exactly right, Joe.

Joe Buck: Anyway, this game’s been circled on the schedule for many reasons, not the least of which is the teams’ new offensive coordinators. Peyton Manning, of course, surprised his Broncos’ teammates and retired right after their close thirty-point Super Bowl loss, and was immediately hired to coordinate the Giants’ offense. This will be the first time in NFL history that a quarterback will have the plays called by his brother.

Troy Aikman: You’re completely right, Joe. Eli Manning, the Giants’ quarterback, is a sibling of Peyton Manning. And that means they’re related.

Joe Buck: And on the Minnesota sideline, new offensive coordinator and former Viking quarterback Brett Favre will help guide Teddy Bridgewater to what they hope will be a more explosive offense.  Last time the Vikings took the field, they managed only three field goals. Of course, they still would have won the game if former kicker Blair Walsh had made a short kick at the end.

Troy Aikman: You’re totally right, Joe. It was sad to see Walsh leave the sport and move to an ashram in Manitoba, but at least he’s gotten away from those irritating first graders.

Joe Buck: Children sure are annoying. And speaking of annoying children, to comment on the Manning brothers’ first game together, we have a special guest with us in the booth. We’re happy to welcome Archie Manning here for what I’m sure is a proud moment. How does it feel Archie?

Archie Manning: Good. Really good.

Joe Buck: And I understand to help commemorate the occasion, the Vikings planned something special that includes your son Cooper as well.

Archie Manning: Yep, they got ol’ Coop selling programs in one of the concourses.

Joe Buck: Terrific! So Archie, what will it take for the Giants to have some success offensively today?

Archie Manning: Well, Eli should be okay now that he has some guidance, but they should really get their running game involved.

Joe Buck: Right, it would really help to have a big game from Orleans Darkwa.

Archie Manning: Wow, I haven’t heard that one in a while.

Joe Buck: (looks puzzled)

Archie Manning: I mean, when I was with the Saints, that’s what we called ’em, but I’m surprised they call ’em that outside Louisiana.

Joe Buck: Orleans Darkwa is the name of the running back for the Giants.

Archie Manning: Oh. Well, forget I said anything then.

Joe Buck: Thankfully, the game’s started, so let’s watch the Giants start their first series on offense.

Eli Manning: (listens for play call in helmet)

Peyton Manning: Omaha

Eli Manning: What????

Peyton Manning: Omaha

Eli Manning: TIME OUT REF

Joe Buck: Very strange situation. It looks like Eli couldn’t hear the play call from the sideline and had to use a time out already.

Troy Aikman: You’re really right on this, Joe.

Peyton Manning: I said Omaha

Eli Manning: That’s not even a play! No fair!

Peyton Manning: Omaha

Eli Manning: C’mon, Peyton, I need a play!

Peyton Manning: Omaha

Eli Manning: This is stupid! I have two rings! And mom says you only have one!

Peyton Manning: (sputters, freezes up, reboots)

Joe Buck: Ok, the Giants have cleared up their playcalling apparently, so let’s get back to the game.

Eli Manning: Guys, I don’t have a play.

Odell Beckham: End zone.

Eli Manning: What?

Odell Beckham: Throw the ball into the end zone.

Eli Manning: Uh, ok. BREAK!

Joe Buck: Eli gets the snap, drops back…he heaves it all the way down the field! The ball is heading for the end zone…

Joe Buck: I CAN’T BELIEVE IT! BECKHAM MAKES A ONE-HANDED CATCH BEHIND HIS BACK!!!

Troy Aikman: You’re remarkably right, Joe. And it looks like he’s driving an invisible car. Those things are fast.

Joe Buck: That was a brilliant play call from Peyton Manning! Let’s see his reaction on the sidelines!

Joe Buck: Yep, total celebration mode for the Giants! We’ll be back in a moment with the Giants leading the Vikings early in the first quarter.

Fox: (shows commercials for beer, cars, and a new sitcom starring Marlon Wayans and Lea Michele)

Jim Buck: Welcome back to Minneapolis. Now let’s see if Brett Favre can provide magic for the Vikings like Peyton Manning just did for the Giants:

Teddy Bridgewater: (listens for play call in helmet)

Brett Favre: Oklistenupdangolgonnathrowitdeepjustdangolsendtinycockpictotitsmcgeedoitdoitdoitdoit

Teddy Bridgewater: Sorry guys, it’s even worse over the headset than it is when he’s right in front of us.

Adrian Peterson: I got it.

Teddy Bridgewater: What’s that?

Adrian Peterson: Just hand it off.

Teddy Bridgewater: Whatever. BREAK!

Joe Buck: Ok, the Vikings line up for first down…Bridgewater takes the snap, turns and hands off to Peterson…

Joe Buck: AND PETERSON RUNS THROUGH THE ENTIRE GIANTS’ DEFENSE FOR A TOUCHDOWN!!! WHAT A CALL BY FAVRE!!!

Troy Aikman: You’re indubitably right, Joe. The Giants looked like toddlers on that play.

Joe Buck: The Vikings will now go for two, of course, since they decided not to replace their kicker before the season.

Blair Walsh (in a simple tent on a plain in Manitoba): OMMMMMMMMMMMMMM