Super Bowl “L” Predictions: Blake Griffin

Hi everyone, I’m NBA All-Star Blake Griffin of the Los Angeles Clippers and I’m here to give my prediction for Super Bo…

What was that?

No, the Los Angeles CLIPPERS.

Yes, they are a real team.

No, I’m not mispronouncing “Lakers” we are the “Clippers.” We play at the Staples Center and everything. Can I continue? Thanks.

Hi I’m Blake Griffin and I’m here to give my prediction for Super Bowl El. As an NBA legend and a fan favorite I like to think I have some insight into professional sports and therefore I should be considered as somewhat of an expert on the subject.

You see I was the first overall pick in the 2009 NBA draft following a highly successful college career at Oklahoma.

/Oklahoma lost in the regional finals to North Carolina

I was drafted with the anticipation that I was NBA ready and would contribute immediately at a high level and I would be able to elevate the team that drafted me to playoff caliber in the first year.

/breaks knee cap, misses entire rookie season

I was ecstatic when I was drafted by the Clippers because I feel that with my star power the future was unlimited as far as endorsements, movie deals and media exposure. My agent assured me that I would be able to continually attract the cream-of-the-crop for endorsements. The Ferrari’s, the Louis Vuitton’s the Rolex’s. I was ready to be a multi-media darling.

/inks long term endorsement deal with Kia

Not to mention the glamorous LA nightlife and the singles scene. My god, have you seen the women out here?

/suffers painful erection that lasts longer than 4 hours

The best things about playing for the Clippers are my awesome teammates. DeAndre Jordan is a beast and we have the irreplaceable Chris Paul to distribute the ball to us. Man, I love CP3. We’re like best buds on and off the court.

/Chris Paul gives him the stinkeye.

I know there is a misperception out there that I cry and moan a lot about the officiating but you can rest assured that I have discussions with the league refs both before and during the games and the refs almost always agree that when I complain about a call I am almost always right.

/Joey Crawford does spit take and almost suffers a heart attack then gives Blake the stinkeye

However I think the thing that most fans think about when they talk about me are my ferocious dunks. I consistently bring the thunder and I’m a regular on the ESPN “Top Ten” plays.

/throws down monster dunk, lands awkwardly, tears ankle tendon.

I know a lot of people think I am injury prone but I’m here to tell you that’s not true. I am consistently one of the leagues hardest workers and sometimes injuries just happen. It’s a part of competing at a high level.

/falls off interview stool and tears both ACLs, left and right PCLs, both patellar tendons, left groin and comes down with irritable bowel syndrome.

I’ve been working full time with my orthopedic surgeon to come up with new and improved ways to mitigate injuries and find new concepts that will allow me to remain on the floor. If you’ll take a look, the doctor has outfitted me with a radical new concept that basically will eliminate any and all future joint, ligament and tendon injuries.

Check it out! I have these brand new snap on appendages. If one of my limbs has a problem, Boom! New appendage. Check this out.

/throws down enormous dunk, right hand remains attached to the ball as it goes through the net while hand goes flying towards the stands

Dammit. Still a few bugs to work out. So, prediction time. I like the Carolina Panthers to beat the Denver Broncos in a laugher for the Super Bowl. I’m seeing 38-10 Carolina. Cam is going to be able to evade the pass rush that Brady could not. Carolina’s defense is every bit as tough as Denver’s and I’m seeing a couple of turnovers from old man Peyton early. This is going to be one of those throwback blowout games like Super Bowls past.

What? What the hell are you laughing at? You know you’ve been kind of a dick during this whole interview.

Fuck me? Did you say “fuck me?” Well, fuck you!

/throws punch, hits camera, fist explodes like a crappy Christmas tree ornament.

Ouch!

It’s a good thing my doctor advised me to purchase my own MRI machine due to my injury history.

Here I’ll just turn this on, put all of the settings in place and I can diagnose my own injuries that way. Now I’ll just turn this on and…

/Blake’s body explodes into a billion microscopic pieces,