They’ll start handing out the awards in an hour or so, and I still have a personal Best Picture to anoint. But before I do, let’s take a moment to remember that Straight Outta Compton was not nominated, and neither was Beasts of No Nation, and neither was The Danish Girl, and neither was Carol. Beasts of No Nation‘s Cary Fukunaga was not nominated for Best Director, or for Best Adapted Screenplay. Creed‘s Ryan Coogler was not nominated for Best Director. Carol‘s Todd Haynes was not nominated for Best Director. Tangerine was not nominated for anything.
The actual contenders, if you need a refresher, are:
Tooth-grindingly infuriating educomedy The Big Short
Highly competent historical drama Bridge of Spies
Homesickness simulator Brooklyn
Impeccably crafted excuse for reviewers to say “two-hour car chase” Mad Max: Fury Road
Ensemble nerd orgy The Martian
Torture porn/scenery porn/filmmaking porn/bear porn The Revenant
Shed escapeproofing tutorial Room
Boston Globe highlight reel Spotlight
And the Academy Award for Best Picture goes to…
Will Win/Should Win: Carol. You probably all saw this coming, as I’ve made no secret of the fact that I think Carol’s a first-rate work of art…
Carol‘s Not Nominated: Go fuck yourself.
No, I’m Serious, Pick A Real Nominee: God dammit. You’re the worst. Fine.
Will Win: Spotlight. I’m having a hard time with the idea of the Academy voters giving this prize to The Revenant, a beautiful and powerful movie that (EDIT: I can’t remember how I was going to complete this thought. Spotlight was good though!)
Should Win: Mad Max: Fury Road. This wasn’t an easy choice; in the last few days I’ve been going back and forth between this, Spotlight, and The Big Short. But in the end, I think we’ll all still be talking about Mad Max long after all the admittedly excellent films also nominated for Best Picture have passed entirely out of our cultural consciousness.
Upset Special: Room would be a big surprise here, but I can’t completely rule it out the way I can Brooklyn and Bridge of Spies.
So that’s that, then. I’ll leave links at the bottom to all my previous posts in case anyone wants to look back at them. Enjoy the show!
Costumes/Makeup & Hair | Sound Editing/Sound Mixing/Visual Effects | Film Editing/Production Design | Original Song/Original Score | Best Actor/Best Supporting Actor | Adapted Screenplay/Original Screenplay | Best Actress/Best Supporting Actress | Short Films | Documentary Feature/Animated Picture | Cinematography/Director | Foreign Language Film
Can you imagine if they picked Cranston here
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Balls: Whatever happened to that pizza?
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Think he went to bed. Hopefully full.
THE WORLD NEEDS TO KNOW
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We just made a lot of inappropriate that I can’t share here.
Mel Brooks would be proud.
Wait, that you can’t share here? Is that possible?
And to think, just a few years ago she was having disgusting sex with Rafi on The League!
“Thank you, by the way, for not making me wear a condom. That was pretty fucking classy.”
http://www.kappit.com/img/pics/20140522_093038_aeacedi_sm.jpg
Hey that’s NOT Bree Olsen!!! I oughta know.
The only Brie that doesn’t melt in heat
Sounds like Brie Larson is gonna go over her time here.
Nope, way to bring it in kid.
So did they make a movie with all the supporting actors from Boardwalk Empire?
HBO did.
It’s called Vinyl.
Yes, “I Need My SAG Health Benefits”
Have they started thawing Nicholson’s corpse yet? He should be presenting soon.
Give it to Rampling. The internet will break. Chaos will reign and the 7th Seal will break!
Watching NFL games I get to see promos for all the awful shows I will never watch on CBS and NBC. Watching the Oscars I get to see promos for all the awful shows I will never watch on ABC.
Oh, hey. We’re all pretty nerdy, right? My friend Rusty is writing a space opera e-novel and trying to win a competition to get it further promoted by the Nerdist and Inkshares. Or something like that. I just preorder anything of his. You know how it goes.
https://www.inkshares.com/books/over-the-stars
I will be fucking stunned if Redmayne doesn’t win Best Actor tonight. Yes, Leo got raped by a bear, dove into a frozen river and vomited bison liver but this guy PUT ON A FUCKING DRESS!!!!
I’ve gotten gangbanged by bears on Yonge St and you don’t see me beg for a fucking award.
Hey guys, Aaron Rodgers is commenting!!!
Sam Smith winning solidifies this.
Everything else about the awards is fucked up, so this naturally makes the most sense.
If you haven’t already seen The Danish Girl, Eddie Redmayne gets his dick out.
Kind of makes that hard pass then.
That’s not how you spell “cut”
Ml Gibson was going to present, but he said has issues with “the coloreds and the money grubbers”
I could watch this shit on my TV, but fuck that. Oscars only get as good as vipbox
Sounds like Heidi Fleiss’ old brothel
Hey that nosferatu guy won. Meh.
I was expecting to see results when I came here. Is this shit really still on?
Ok, fuck this shit. I’ve got to work early tomorrow. Have fun kids and may Fury Road win Best Picture!
Midwestern bias!
That guy is Spielberg’s non-union Maxican equivalent.
http://vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/simpsons/images/4/48/Se%C3%B1or_Spielbergo.png
Straight Outta Monterrey
Why would they make Abrams present when he should have been nominated?
Twisting the knife.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Fury Road should have won.
god dammit
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(I was hoping you were going to be right, too.)
How much longer is this thing on? Some of us have to work tomorrow.
It’s like Ted Williams’ head at this rate.
miller pls
Sam Smith just set gays farther back than DOMA
Oh for fuck’s sake. Another movie about those sheeny bog-trotting micks coming over here and taking all our jobs. This politically correct libtard bullshit has gone too far.
I expected this from Sill.
You go to the English for the highest quality Irish shit-talking.
I have a lot of self-hatred issues I’m trying to work out.
Really.
He completely forgot to Catholic bash.
Amateur.
Jeff Ross at the Emmitt Smif Roast is pretty damn funny.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qzts4Q_ak3E
“Troy Aikman wanted to be here but he got a concussion opening the invitation.”
I’m also rather partial to his repeated use of “Is here? Then fuck ‘im.”
Why the flying fuck did they roast Emmitt Smith? Did he even know he was being roasted?
Charity.
Probably not.
“Hey Shaq I see your knuckles are worn, did you walk here?”
Sasha really can’t just be himself can he? And one of his shittier personalities to boot.
Olivia Wilde is not unattractive.
Glad I got that off my chest.
She’s said the same thing too
Glad I got off.
Just like that dress.
White-hot taek!
What happened?
Olivia Wilde’s titties are presenting something.
Before that.
Sam Smith is a completely talentless hack who just stole an award for the worst Bond theme since Moonraker, and the press loves it.
[insert Hank Hill eye twitch .gif here]
Gotcha. Don’t know who that is but I’ll take your word for it.
Ali G is backindahouse.
This is awesome for two reasons.
Are you people happy? The queer won! THERE’S YOUR GODDAMN DIVERSITY!!!
???????????
No. No. NO.
You gotta be fucking kidding me. This guy and that song is fucking terrible.
what
For fucks sake.
Please let 50 Shades of Grey win an Oscar. Please let 50 Shades of Grey win an Oscar.
Awwww.
Morricone should’ve won one long before this.
This was a Lifetime Achievement win.
Didn’t he win by inventing the radio?
The only reason I know of him is because his “ecstasy of gold” used to be part of the Opie and Anthony intro
Why is Sam Smith?
Also my alias at the clinic
Hey, that guy’s a WOP!
That’s diversity, ain’t it?
Why didn’t Pharrell translate?
The Oscars are so white and fawning, if they were a person they’d be Peter King
Horatio: “If they ever make a movie about a concentration camp survivor with Down’s syndrome who discovers he’s really a woman it will win every single Oscar.”
AKA, Oscar Gold. https://vimeo.com/120170300
This episode was a goddamn gem surpassed only by Rapture’s Delight.
“As if it wasn’t bad enough he was Jewish …”
Holy shit that is fantastic.
And apparently likely to get me sued for the above comment. dammit.
The best supporting actress should go to whoever can fuck Artie Lange without getting crushed
RE: Sofia Vergara
He was born in the USA, and speaks less intelligibly than she does.
THAT’S NO EXCUSE! As far as I know, she does not have CTE.
His career rushing yards to unnecessary syllable added ratio is 1:1
This is perfect except for the laugh track.
What if Biden hosts next year’s Oscars?
“Hey, Jennifer, I nominated your leaked nudes in the “Gets Uncle Joe Turgid’ category! Gook luck babe!”
They are some pretty spectacular nudes.
The man is a national treasure. I mean that genuinely.
Hi, doggy!
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