Roger Goodell Has A Quiet Day At The Office

345 Park Avenue, New York

[Roger Goodell is sitting alone in his office in a massive black leather desk chair, humming the NFL Red Zone theme music as he fills out paperwork. For once, the curtains are open and the sun shines brightly into the usually gloomy, marble-columned office. The intercom buzzes.]

Molly: Commissioner, Brent from Procurement is here to see you.

Goodell: Send him in.

[The doors creek open and a young man holding a clipboard enters. He stands opposite from Goodell at the end of the desk, and begins to speak with a slight tremble in his voice.]

Brent: Go-good morning, Commissioner.

Goodell: And what a good morning it is! Free Agency continues to put The Shield at the forefront of the news! The Draft is not far away, and plans to our domination continue unfettered! Now, what can I do for you today, Brett, was it?

Brent: Uh, yes, Commissioner. I have the latest report for you on obtaining the “tape” from Peyton Manning’s post Super Bowl party with Papa John. The voyeur is attending the “Re-education Camp” in Wichita, but his wife seems to have secured the tape in a vault of some ki–

[Goodell’s computer lights up.]

Goodell: Excuse me a moment, Brett, I have urgent business to attend to.

Brent: Yes, of course, Commissioner.

[Brent’s eyes wander around the office as Goodell reads his notification. As he continues, his smile disappears and he begins to slowly look more and more outraged. Upon completion, he turns the monitor around and begins to breathe heavily while speaking.]

Goodell: Would you mind… telling me… about, THIS!?

Brent: [Surprised] Uhh, it seems like the NFLPA is trying to strip you of your ability to discipline players for off-field behavior. Wait, that can’t be…

Goodell: [Now standing, he slams his fist down onto the desk] SILENCE! THERE WILL BE NO NEGOTIATIONS WITH THESE TRAITORS! THE ONLY STRIPPING I HAVE APPROVED OF TAKES PLACE AT SAPPHIRE’S (the official gentleman’s club of the NFL) IN MIDTOWN! WHY WAS I NOT INFORMED OF THIS SOONER?!

Brent: [Now visibly shaking] Th-that’s not my department! I did as you asked about the tape though! It’s all in my re-report!

[Brent tries to hand Goodell the clipboard, but he slaps it out of his hand.]

Goodell: BEGONE!

[Goodell presses a button on his desk and the carpet below Brent’s feet violently jerks upward, sending him airborne. The office doors fly open and then slam shut as Brent continues traveling down the long hallway.]

Goodell: So what if MY punishments seem “arbitrary?” They worked for ME!

[A dull thud is heard from behind the doors as Goodell begins to pace behind his desk.]

Goodell: If that rat DeMaurice didn’t like it, he shouldn’t have agreed to the CBA in the first place! He’s so damned power hungry! Blinded by his own desire for control! I should have included terms for punishing HIM in there as well!

[Goodell continues grumbling for a moment, then stops, sighs and presses the button on his intercom.]

Goodell: Molly, I have too much pent up energy to work today.

Molly: Shall I send in the clones then, Commissioner?

Goodell: Yes… That will do nicely

[DOOR FLIES OPEN]

Warning: Nightmare fuel ahead

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers is a native North County San Diegan with an affinity for the Padres, beer, whiskey, punk rock, video games and the end of days. If you eat a fish taco with a fork in his presence, you may lose your hand.

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Moose -The End Is Well NighballsofsteelandfurylasergurutheeWeeBabySeamusThe Right Reverend Electric Mayhem Recent comment authors
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
blaxabbath

I feel like the Browns have cleared the Colts #SuckForLuck approach and are looking to now trademark #SuckForEver

WCS

theeWeeBabySeamus
theeWeeBabySeamus

/hears ruckus in clubhouse, peeks in, sees everyone nekkid and punching each other in the dick
//eases door closed quietly, heads to store for astroglide

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

GET IN HERE AND BUTTER UP YOUR BUTT!!

ballsofsteelandfury

No way I’m clicking that at work. My comment will have to wait until this afternoon.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Well, it is not that bad if someone sees it from a distance, but you will not get anything else done today, and will have a throw up taste in your mouth.

ballsofsteelandfury

Just saw it. You described it perfectly.

herodotus450
herodotus450

I think we all need to calm down with these words from a man so alcohol soaked/fueled he got kicked OUT of Metallica

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That calmed me right-the-fuck down.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

You know that moment when you clean your glasses after ignoring them slowly growing opaque for the last week?

http://24.media.tumblr.com/12bc08549501b16c8a319f79e13dbf4b/tumblr_mhwr1rLqdc1r7fcswo1_500.gif

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That was when I found out Madeleine Albright was not all that hot.

herodotus450
herodotus450
herodotus450
herodotus450
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

WOULD COMPROMISE BANG!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

No pregnancy risk; WOULD BANG!

theeWeeBabySeamus

No erection risk.
Can’t bang.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

GET IN THERE AND EAT THAT DANK AND MUSTY PUSSY, YOU PUSSY!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Oh my.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

Kelvin Beachum and Steve McLendon have bid aloha to the Confluence.

laserguru

As if my dreams weren’t fucked up enough.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
blaxabbath

Damn it! I’m all for eye candy but Goose was a great sideline guy. Oh well, looking forward to Fox searching for their next Erin Andrews clone….NOT!

laserguru

“It’s really loud down here guys!” – Siragusa

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

“I HAD MEATBALLS AGAIN FOR BREAKFAST THIS MORNING YOU GUYS HAR” — also Siragusa

ballsofsteelandfury

Sorry! Work. But I’m glad someone did it.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Work? WORK?!?!

blaxabbath

Having just watched Bridge of Spies last night, I think I can appreciate the potential value of traitors.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Whistleblowers will go to jail!!

blaxabbath
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Fuck that guy. He should be in jail or worse.

laserguru

Absolutely goddamn right!

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

Does Mark Felt belong in jail or worse?

What about Daniel Ellsberg?

Or Peter Buxtun?

http://www.quickmeme.com/img/b0/b07fb3fccfebfbb6c292b444c6ae4d22f2adce17332db6a74e4a4b2b986523e2.jpg

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Mark Felt is dead. So sticking him in jail is probably not going to satisfy anyone.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

The perfect escaped goat.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Nope; he exposed illegal activities being done by the government. Whistleblowers are not traitors.

http://silencedfilm.com/
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2827908/

There is no evidence that anybody was compromised by what was released.

As much information was released to Hollywood so they could make Zero Dark Thirty and brag about it and be chummy and star struck.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

There’s a protocol for whistleblowing. He didn’t come close to following it. More importantly, he went beyond the pale when he shared sources and methods. He is the opposite of a hero. Fuck that guy.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

A protocol for whistle blowing? WTF? Anybody not in lockstep is being prosecuted. The methods were fucking shared with Hollywood, officially. The sources he shared/ exposed are dubious at best. He exposed illegal behavior by the government that certain part just took advantage of panic after 9/11 and then proceeded to do what they wanted to. The US would be outraged if other countries did the same thing (except for the IDF). While not a hero, he did what he should have done. Several things are against the law and he’ll have to do jail time for them.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

That’s not what sources and methods means.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That is what he should serve jail time for apparently.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Rereading that I phrased and put that point completely incoherently, My bad. I’m not even day drinking.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

OK, I phrased it very poorly; but I assume this is what you meant:
http://fas.org/irp/offdocs/nscid11.htm

If this information and means of obtaining it are illegal by law, it makes it a complicated issue. At this point a government agency can simply declare some activity secret, legal or not, to cover those actions up.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

YEAH POLICE STATE! AS LONG AS IT DOESN’T AFFECT ME THEY CAN DO WHAT THEY WANT TO ANYBODY AND ANY THING WITH MY TAX DEBT! I JUST WANT MY MTV!

jjfozz

Right, that information compromised the lives of people, you stupid arrogant fuckhole.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

People doing illegal things during an undeclared war.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

There is no evidence that anyone was compromised. A side note; if people were so adamant about being compromised Dick Cheney would be in jail for exposing Valerie Plame Wilson just for political smearing motives.

blaxabbath

Compromising the lives of people — also known as a typical Baltimore arrest.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Doesn’t matter what we say anyway; the three letter acronyms will fuck over anybody who doesn’t follow what they want at the time. We have no say in the matter, there is little or no control.

Beerguyrob
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

blaxabbath; OBVIOUS TRAITOR!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

If I don’t comment for a while I’ll be in Extraordinary Rendition.

blaxabbath

I can’t be traiting if I never claimed to like the place* in first place!

*place = government

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Well, this all depends on your stance with regards to…………. Thin Mints and NY v. Chicago pizza. We’ll get to Pho later.

blaxabbath

Thin Mints are ok but tagalongs are the best, however, I pass on both because I don’t care for the way the Girl Scouts partner with the likes of Nestle (Thin Mint Coffee Mate) but then tell me they need my $6 or whatever for a box of like 14 cookies. If I cared about women, I’d just make a donation.

re Pizza: I’ve had little exposure to Chicago (deep dish) pizza but, when I did have it, the good stuff was REALLY good and the not-good stuff was horrible. New York, on the other hand, seems pretty consistent.

Love Pho. Call it “Foe”. Get pissed when it’s more than $6 a bowl.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

This position white paper may cause a rift in the board of Comentists that could cascade down to even Comentists’ families and friends. Maybe we should stamp it “Level 5 Security Clearance Required” after the fact.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

Ounly Trevour was crazy enouugh tou coume ouut against phou, and he’s goune.

http://vn-tours.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/pho-3.jpg

King Hippo

THAT is the closest DFO has ever come to a 50/50 political issue!

(and I can see both sides and have no strong opinion whatsoever)

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

We will waterboard a fucking opinion out of you, bastard.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

*ACTUALLY WE’LL BEERBOARD (TM) YOU INTO OUR WAY OF THINKING!!!

blaxabbath
herodotus450
herodotus450

Is this thread what it’s like when your parents who are doves cry/fight with each other?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

YOU CAN ONLY TRUST THE GOVERNMENT PART THAT KILLS PEOPLE! LIBTARD GOVERNMENT CAN’T BE TRUSTED!

Beerguyrob

This is what it sounds like, when doves cry.

http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view1/1805801/when-doves-cry-2-o.gif

blaxabbath

comment image

monty this seems strange to me

Brent was supposed to be using a Microsoft Surface Pro, the official tablet of the National Football League, but a clipboard is more functional.

jjfozz

A clipboard can’t be jammed by the devices found in Gillette Stadium.

blaxabbath
Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons
jjfozz

I imagine that chair to look like something like this:
http://img.designswan.com/2014/11/chair/2.jpg

King Hippo

It’s nice to see that SOMEONE appreciates how discipline is good for you ,, smgdh