The scene: Key West, Florida. Guys in swimsuits and gals in bikinis line the streets while Future Moose and Old School Zero drive down the road in OSZ’s Prius. Marc Trestmans Windowless Van is asleep in the back seat.
Future Moose: See? What’d I tell you? Key West is the place to be for Spring Break.
OSZ (looking over his auto mileage log): We drove…wait, that far? I knew I shouldn’t have let you drive when I got tired.
Future Moose: I thought a side-trip was a good idea. Las Vegas was fun, but we needed a break.
OSZ: A break…from our vacation?
Future Moose: Sure! Hey, you’ve gotta just go with the flow, OSZ!
OSZ: I just feel like we ditched the other guys.
Future Moose: What? Nah, Redshirt was gonna head to JerryWorld for WrestleMania. He wanted to get his tickets early.
Cut to: Redhsirt in a long line outside of the Dallas stadium. Standing behind Redshirt, wearing a #9 jersey and a backwards Dallas ballcap, is Tony Romo.
Tony Romo (tapping Redshirt on the shoulder): Hey, so, who’s your favorite? I like John Cena. Do you like John Cena?
Redshirt: No.
Tony Romo: How about Roman Reigns? I like the way he stands up to his boss…I wish I could do that!
Redshirt (sighing): I should’ve gone to Lucha Underground.
Cut to: Key West again. Future Moose is at a crosswalk, watching as a dozen or so girls in bikinis go by.
Future Moose (in awe): Just so…many…GIFs…
OSZ: And we totally missed Pirate Sloth.
Future Moose: I’m sure he’s fine. He’s in Vegas…what’s the worst that can happen?
Cut to: Pirate Sloth waiting tables at The Swabby Sloop, a pirate-themed restaurant.
Pirate Sloth (to a table of tourists): Arr, avast, me mateys! So ye be wantin’ the Full Sail Salad, two Broadside Burgers, a Galleon of Fries and a pitcher of Bilgewater Beer. Will thar be anything else?
Waitress #1: Who’s the new guy?
Waitress #2: I don’t know, but he’s the best waiter we’ve ever had!
Cut to: Key West again. Future Moose is pulling the Prius into the parking lot of a run-down motel.
Future Moose: Hey, this place has a vacancy.
OSZ (as they get out of the car): Should we wake up Marc?
Future Moose: Nah, let’s find out if we can get a room first.
Future Moose and OSZ leave. Marc Trestmans Windowless Van stirs in the back seat, then wakes up.
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Whoa, dude…I was, like, dreaming that I was trapped in an electric razor, man. It just kept buzzing and buzzing and…hey, where are you guys?
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van leans forward, looking at the empty seats.
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Are you guys, like, invisible? ‘Cause that happened to me once, man.
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van looks out the window and sees a bevy of beauties walking by.
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Whoa! Am I dead, man? ‘Cause I think I’m in heaven!
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van reaches under the driver’s seat and pulls out his ornate glass bong and a bag of weed.
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Score! I am in heaven, man!
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van lights up and sits back in his seat. The Prius gradually fills with smoke. There’s a knock on the window. Lowering it, Marc finds two girls in bikinis.
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Whoa…angels, man!
Bikini Girl #1: Ohmigawd! Like, are you a dealer?
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: A dealer…?
Bikini Girl #2: Yeah! Do you, like, sell pot?
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Sell pot…? No way, man! That’s like, y’know, selling your right arm, or your cousin, man.
Bikini Girl #1 (disappointed): Oh.
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: What I do, man, is, like, set weed free, to experience the world. Then it gets to know people, man, by, like, getting inhaled, and then those people are all, “Dude! Here’s a donation for you, man, so you can set more pot free!” And then I’m all, “Thanks, dude! Your donation is, like, gratefully accepted by me and by, like, weed, man!”
Bikini Girl #2: OK, so…
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: And then sometimes they come back again, and they’re like, “Dude! Your pot experienced my ol’ lady and she, like, wants to bake some brownies, man!” and I’m like, “Hey, that’s great news, man! My weed loves being baked into confectionery goodness, man!”
Bikini Girl #1: So, then…can we experience your pot?
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: And then, like, there’s a church bake sale that turns into a rave, and…what? You want to get to know my weed, man? Well come on in!
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van opens the door and The Bikini Girls get into the Prius.
Bikini Girl #2: Nice car!
Bikini Girl #1: And surprisingly roomy!
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Thanks, man! It’s my friend’s car…he’s kinda shy, man. And invisible.
Cut to: Future Moose and OSZ entering their hotel room. It’s…worn. And small.
OSZ (picking up a bikini top off the bed): I think this room might be occupied…?
Future Moose: Eh, so what? It’s Spring Break! Loosen up, OSZ!
OSZ: And that’s another thing…we’re not on Spring Break. We’re not even in school.
Future Moose: Semantics. Look, we’re gonna have a great time…
[DOOR FLIES OPEN]
Suddenly, a figure enters the room.
Future Moose: What the…?
OSZ: How did you get here?
Who is the mysterious figure in the doorway? For the first time ever, you, dear reader will decide! That’s right, cast your vote in the poll below and next week the winning choice will make an appearance in the Hard Ride To Nowhere Spring Break Special! Poll closes Monday, March 28th, 2016 at midnight.
To be continued…
Did you miss not having a stoopid poll last week?
- Qaron Face (55%, 11 Votes)
- Manning Face (40%, 8 Votes)
- Brady face (5%, 1 Votes)
Total Voters: 20
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“What year is this?!?!?”
-OSZ
http://41.media.tumblr.com/aa2249098800b2b3a126e41b43bd091e/tumblr_o4jnb7vhnM1ugaxn5o1_1280.png
YARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
Tis be the day o’ days when I be permoted to grogtender ta captain the fine fine beauty called The Swabby Sloop. Twill be the bestest o’ the best of all ye olde taverns in all the world! Free rum ta the lot of ya’s here at ya olde dickjoke blog.
Lil Pirates Eat Free till 6pm.
I like that there is even an inkling of a chance that Rob Ryan wouldn’t be winning.
There might be a slight chance for intrinsic bias in the poll design.
Like the two political parties that run our country, I wanted to give you all the illusion of choice.
Beastmode? Are you the Illuminati?
Yes.
No.
Maybe.
http://49.media.tumblr.com/95bba1e214c9e6362992c079b58db4c4/tumblr_o0xdwsnOKR1qg2n7mo1_400.gif
Don’t blame me, I voted for Kodos.
http://40.media.tumblr.com/630854b8935a9dc57bab0fac23ea3739/tumblr_o446evxWjF1rmut52o1_250.jpg
http://www.miamiherald.com/entertainment/celebrities/yrbq7r/picture2260632/ALTERNATES/FREE_640/don%20johnson%20vice.jpg
drops mike
Hey, man; you dropped your microphone before you were finished. Here you go.
http://pornparody.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/miamispice-muffia420.jpg
I have to admit, I’m a little disappointed that Ryan Tannehill didn’t perform better*. I wanted to see him get picked off five times by random beachgoers in a game of flag football and then mock them for having smaller paychecks than him.
*quoth Lauren Tannehill
If Redshirt is smart he’ll let Romo cut in front of him and then pick up Romo’s tickets when he drops them.
Free wrasslin’!
THAT’S GOOD BANNER QUOTING!
/slaps Horatio on the ass. HARD.
I will never not vote for Wolfman Rob.
Unless my registration was SOMEHOW changed from Wolfmanlican to Independent so I’d have to cast a provisional ballot in the primaries.
This voting decision is easier than a klansman’s in this year’s GOP primary.
https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/418733.Gordon_Welchman
Watch out, Marc! They’re former girl scouts!
Please let this be true.
Uhh, so I assume they stopped to have a beer with me on their way past Clearwater right? RIGHT???
Yeah, and they stopped by to see me in Misso–
No, no one stops in Missouri.
Can’t stop there. That’s bat country.
Yeah, but the bats there do it the right way. Best mammals in the Chiroptera order.
Bat Country?
https://youtu.be/IHS3qJdxefY
Well the Rams stopped there.
Briefly.
Yeah, but Moose didn’t wake me up.
Or you.
I will notify Cigar City’s tap room to be prepared just in case you all stop on the way back. It’s white-oak aged Jai Alai season, btw.
By the way, I realize this post is free of pictures…specifically the Spring Break kind. I’m confident that the Commentists can rectify that situation in the comments.
http://ww4.hdnux.com/photos/12/46/12/2777783/0/960×595.jpg
Meanwhile one of the Key West bikini girls escapes with MTWV’s weed. Look at that, uh, gal go!
Shit yeah, kitten! You know it! Cuz’ I’m pretty sure my version of Spring Break is jut like every other person’s on the interwebs!
A real cliffhanger, like the end of every episode of HRTN!
Mine is common too.
http://36.media.tumblr.com/58eb1aac84304fd1b09ee30512daedb1/tumblr_o4jmjt34zn1urhd3lo1_1280.jpg