I don’t believe there’s a person in North America – nay; the world – that feels any sympathy for Gary Bettman. But it does suck that, on the opening night of the NHL’s two-month journey towards winning the best trophy in sports (come at me!), the vast majority of interest is focused on basketball LA and Oakland. At least the league was helped by the Kings finishing ahead of the Sharks, so they didn’t try something stupid like having San Jose play tonight before a half-empty Tank.
Speaking of dancing around, Lynn Swann was named the new USC athletic director today. I’m sure George Atkinson can be found for a word or two about that. Maybe it’s me, but after the 1972 Dolphins, the group of old men I also don’t need to hear from are the 1970s Raiders. If they were that damn good or tough, they could give me the finger and show me a second ring. None of those windbags they show on NFL Network were around in January 1981, when Jim Plunkett showed Jaws how to play in the big game.
In the first hint of the upcoming adpocalypse, the NBA is voting this week on allowing jersey advertising, which would become effective for the 2017/18 season. The union strike about revenue sharing would follow soon after, I imagine. It might be enough to drag Peyton and Brett out of retirement in 2020 when it comes to the NFL.
While we’re on the subject of the NBA, don’t expect me to participate in the hagiography around Kobe Bryant. Good player; awful person. The pregame ceremony will probably make me vomit. Besides, I’ll be rooting for the Blues about that time.
Before I go, have fun doing math over the weekend! Luckily, Big Daddy Drew has some tax pointers for you over at Deadspin.
Tonight’s entertainment:
NHL Playoffs:
- Detroit @ Tampa Bay – 7:00
- NY Rangers @ Pittsburgh – 8:00
- Chicago @ St. Louis – 9:30
NBA: (14 games total)
- Kings @ Rockets – 8:00 (if Houston loses, then Utah is win & in)
- Jazz @ Lakers – 10:30
- Grizzlies @ Warriors – 10:30
Finally, if you recall, last week I mentioned that I was going to see Iron Maiden on Sunday night. Loud? YOU BET! A limited edition tour shirt that sold out in 5 minutes? NATURALLY! Fifteen songs like usual? OF COURSE! But a nice mix of old & new:
- If Eternity Should Fail
- Speed of Light
- Children of the Damned
- Tears of a Clown
- The Red and the Black
- The Trooper
- Powerslave
- Death or Glory
- The Book of Souls
- Hallowed Be Thy Name
- Fear of the Dark
- Iron Maiden
Encore:
- The Number of the Beast
- Blood Brothers
- Wasted Years
Here’s “The Trooper”
VANCOUVER DID SCREAM FOR YOU, BRUCE!
Because St. Louis: http://i.imgur.com/PcZZpjb.png
http://40.media.tumblr.com/9061dc478efb517c0885335da807567b/tumblr_nkyt1w5p1L1s9rrcgo1_1280.jpg
http://45.media.tumblr.com/00d3e231f5637da523dd2c7f83eb1900/tumblr_nkxzeoig9T1qc8jh0o1_540.gif
I hear this a lot from the wifey.
http://41.media.tumblr.com/808be1db2ff2db17a8368ec6eb53dc38/tumblr_o12dkqYED51uec0eqo7_1280.jpg
So I guess picking up the sister was for the best.
http://ih0.redbubble.net/image.104772225.2654/fc,800×800,asphalt.u2.jpg
Warriors dominating, Kobe laying bricks. This NBA season in a nutshell.
Not just this season.
And holy crap, 20 points already for Steph. He just might be good someday.
http://40.media.tumblr.com/46b75467dabb68912e3e04e047145877/tumblr_mit94eBu6C1qabkqao1_500.png
http://49.media.tumblr.com/fe6ff320d15024e52bea6548941259d8/tumblr_nj4z1allbE1qaf3uxo1_500.gif
Damn you.
http://41.media.tumblr.com/68eda6315f347f20c21fe5303b5636d1/tumblr_o12dkqYED51uec0eqo1_1280.jpg
They just showed the Kobe high school announcement – he used the “take my talents to the NBA” thing years before LeBron and Miami. Is that trope really that old?
First game of the playoffs is no reason to stay up late. Alexa will tell me who won in the morning. Maybe next game I’ll go to a bar and I’ll be able to chant something in a group. That’s always fun.
I can’t find a gif that adequately conveys my disappointment at the lack of scoring in the Blackhawks/blues game
Jordan Spieth putting the jacket on the limey. That farce.
How’s this:
http://25.media.tumblr.com/cbc6fce4f2203bb9f992fc8576bf26b9/tumblr_mtco5804Lx1qbf083o1_250.gif
http://45.media.tumblr.com/f57e6693a0131e979ef0269becaa6813/tumblr_njwcu5nq2T1rt28efo1_500.gif
Rangers studio team unhappy with tonight’s result, claim the Rangers looked like the better team.
http://contenidos.educarex.es/mci/2007/33/imagenes/imag_ud1/delta_nilo.jpg
Hey, I was told no jokes about Aunt Flo
What does the Nile river delta have to do with anything? Are we going scuba diving?
Archaeologizing.
http://media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/736x/76/1c/01/761c01c6a9cf3ed19f5ac28201aba2b2.jpg
I think Steph Curry crashed Twitter.
Is that why it’s being so bitchy right now?
I was wondering
Isn’t bitchiness the natural state of twitter.
Also… the fucking odds of Steve Kerr being involved in two 72 win teams. I will think about this for days and never be content.
COULDA BEEN YOU, JUD BUECHLER
7 TVs at this bar. Not one is showing hockey.
Resist the urge to kill the bartender with a taphandle.
Everyone here is watching the Rockies game or basketball, so I can’t actually blame him.
The Rockies instead of playoff hockey? Well…..
http://49.media.tumblr.com/ab9be6c0988ae8ea6155f82d1498b1c0/tumblr_o3u7tpnnxn1qjtajso1_500.gif
To the staff at that bar
http://i.imgur.com/nvLg68i.jpg
You should ask them to change one to Adult Swim.
KOTH is starting.
Woooooooo!!!!!!!!
http://45.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lw3o7jv5Wh1r80217o1_r2_500.gif
Name five more underrated shows. You can’t.
Also:
http://41.media.tumblr.com/b259f007c1a877cb6725de2ce74d44ff/tumblr_o5bqtnBBvF1u40iwdo1_1280.jpg
Tirico just said, “The Kobe Farewell Tour is the deodorant on this Lakers season.”
I mean, it’s true and all, but I didn’t know Tirico had that kind of venom.
I HATE Kobe, but I hate the Lakers more for indulging this farewell bullshit. DIAF
He’s never been one to disguise his contempt.
I hope they’re still using actual deodorant. Figurative deodorant….probably not too effective.
http://media0.giphy.com/media/c96DUdVDsRmnu/giphy.gif
IT’S THE TASTE OF VICTORY
http://cdn2.blisstree.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/5351366736945.97287.png
http://cdn.playbuzz.com/cdn/4f929102-929a-4e25-95cc-eb20940c80ed/93c3cd0f-b898-486b-82ee-c7eb76f1226d.gif
Beefcake?
Sorry Bryant, I like this Kobe better.
http://www.miamismith.com/sites/default/files/images/blog/kobe-beef-it-found-outside-japan-48.jpg
http://49.media.tumblr.com/7ca8395cf9368ba781dd4ecf905d9fba/tumblr_np21lxvFFc1r21i5xo1_400.gif
http://www.roypumphrey.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/ts934_00_closeup_of_south_park_eric_cartman_beefcake_weight_gain_4000_cartoon_t.jpg
Yuuuup
$1,050/kilo:
http://www.tinyurbankitchen.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/8435728300_3c9844de04_z1.jpg
Soooo…No Smoothies?
I guess I’ll just keep drinking vodka and Monster.
Ok, fine, I’m just a little emotional. Kobe’s been playing for MY team (NO ONE DENIES THIS) for just about as long as I’ve been married. And that’s a LONG fucking time (ask my wife).
http://40.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lhu7ridrQH1qb5gkjo1_400.jpg
Hey, you might understand if you had a basketball team in Denver.
http://41.media.tumblr.com/9b9df5567e83cde327ec06fcb7b68ee9/tumblr_nuoj0nUwy31u56zimo1_500.jpg
Do I have to?
Are rapists cool in LA?
Yeah, I went there.
Colorado girls think “GOD YES FUCK ME IN THE ASS” means “no.”
Stop digging.
She should’ve said that.
Shoulda put a knife in his gut.
Po-tay-to, po-tah-to
Rapists are cool in Tallahassee. People forget that.
And out of nowhere! A sick Tallahassee BURN.
So are St. Louis the Ice Cardinals now? Not that anyone did, but they shouldn’t be called the Ice Rams anymore right?
Ice Rams isn’t any less accurate, their real name already has no relation to the city they are from
Ice Vagabonds?
Maybe they could steal LA’s XFL team name – Ice Xtreme.
EVERY IS HORNY
YES IS
http://49.media.tumblr.com/c1be4ac56b97f590e256686d9135de30/tumblr_nj9cwhr4sL1s01qkyo1_500.gif
HORNY HATTY WOO
Commercial break (yeah, I know I was late and the game is back)
http://i.imgur.com/sRxEmvF.jpg
Huh. I guess it’s Kobe’s last game or something. Woulda been nice if someone had mentioned this before now.
I met Gary Bettman once. I hate to admit it, but I kinda liked him.
http://media.tumblr.com/45eb079722b73f05381fe36efa4e66c3/tumblr_inline_nkc58fiKLT1ru6psk.gif
Flea with the…unconventional… national anthem from Staples
I loved it. Because why the fuck not.
http://ia.media-imdb.com/images/M/MV5BMTY5MTEzOTM0MF5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwMzM1NzI3Mg@@._V1__SX934_SY454_.jpg
He’s gonnas fucks you up.
http://49.media.tumblr.com/79753d6d6edd739724c06d129be36fad/tumblr_mid25dIasc1qf5do9o1_500.gif
Elway is multifaceted.
Hehehehehe…well played.
schmerf
This should be the standard reaction whenever Aziz Ansari arrives anywhere.
I always wonder if I’m the only person who hasn’t been able to stand Azis Ansari since the late seasons of scrubs when that seemed like a character instead of his awful personality.
You are not.
FACE OFF!
I don’t think much of Gawker these days, but their artists are on point.
http://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s–BveHFf1B–/c_scale,fl_progressive,q_80,w_800/x3kk2lvy8httzhhfdor5.jpg
http://s2.quickmeme.com/img/64/646a1de96d4394206f0ea92e33607ff128862cc45047a334d9ef79964277d567.jpg
Bah, they cut off the proper end. “She must have crab and fucking shrimp in her teeth”
The guy on the right looks like Malkin.
SHOFAR TIME
http://www.officialpsds.com/images/thumbs/Horns-psd106802.png
http://24.media.tumblr.com/f7e226e6e72c9eef85a3c11c09a86073/tumblr_mzk3f1vt0p1qg76oyo1_250.gif
If only Kobe’s last game was in Colorado
http://49.media.tumblr.com/6ca8ad08170a72bbcfd4592a2fd67b6d/tumblr_mz0fm4cMWG1qhep2vo8_r1_250.gif
Did Las Vegas show a nationally televised ad about how they have internationally smuggled prostitutes coming in all the time so you can get fresh ones if you visit Vegas?
ppl forget that
Plus, human trafficking keeps costs down.
Double bonus.
Why is his nickname not Captain Kuhnachl
http://vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/flapjack/images/7/79/CaptainK'nucklesImageA01.JPG
That was his dad’s nickname.
Best hockey player in German history:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Erich_K%C3%BChnhackl
1-goal apiece during this 12-minute power play
http://49.media.tumblr.com/6fe2135b651a39a0f4fbd57f9d024c5f/tumblr_norog9zpGp1qfthy3o2_250.gif
Hippos are seriously fucking awesome:
http://www.metmuseum.org/toah/images/h5/h5_17.9.1_av2.jpg
Perfection Lost.
http://misterirrelevant.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/Mixed-Up-Baseball-Fan-e1305573121432.jpg
(then again I’d have been willing to give my left nut for a 7-1 start soooooo….yeah)
((sadly, a 10 game losing streak could easily now ensue))
THERE IS A LIGHT AND IT NEVAR GOES OUT
/cuts furiously
Have you ever seen the Bonino run down in the gulf?
It’s breathtaking.
http://fishinfranks.com/images/fish%20id%20pic/bonita/girl%20bonita%203.jpg
I knew I smelled fish.
shorty muthafucka woo
well, that was nifty
http://lovelace-media.imgix.net/uploads/51/75e07890-5ec1-0131-d72d-5e6db850ec04.gif
The patience of the Rags there was impressive. Brassard especially.
fuck