“Well, what now SMRT guy?” A Slightly Late NHL Second Round Preview

On the heels of Anaheim coach Bruce Boudreau being fired on Friday morning, comes the draft-delayed second round preview of the Stanley Cup playoffs that I in no way amended after Friday night’s results. I went 6-8 with my opening round predictions, so let’s see if I can keep the toonies rolling here.

Only pussies bet loonies!

Now, most Canadians at this point have abandoned watching the playoffs in favour of thawing out the barbecue equipment in advance of the May 2-4 weekend.

The official macro of summer!

That’s expected. What’s surprising is that the NHL has tried to appeal to Canadians by having four series that, on paper look the equivalent of tan, taupe, beige and maple syrup. Our national flavours! So, let’s dig in.

Soon, you’ll be basking in riches!

Eastern Conference: (* – if necessary)

Pittsburgh vs. Washington (Th, Sat, M, W, Sat*, Tu*, Th*)

  • This series should be the best of the four, much like maple syrup is the best of the brown colour spectrum. High powered offence; semi-competent defence; and tacticians for coaches. The dividing factor is going to be in net. Braden Holtby for Washington is a known commodity. Pittsburgh is still waiting for Marc-Andre Fleury to stop seeing visions of Bonhomme every time he closes his eyes. If Murray and the other kid can’t keep up, it’s going to go Washington’s way pretty quickly. Washington in 6
FYI – tan

NY Islanders vs. Tampa Bay (W, Sat, Tu, F, Sun*, Tu*, Th*)

  • Well, now we enter the bland colour wheel. This is the series Gary Bettman is hoping goes his way. He’s already lost the Rangers, Blackhawks and Kings; at least the Isles can claim to be a New York market for TV purposes. If he loses them, there’ll be pretty much no East Coast interest outside of DC. That’ll do wonders for ad revenue and the salary cap next year. If Tampa were to get Stamkos back, they might’ve had a chance, but they don’t have enough lines, and Griess is having one of those playoff years NHL legends get written about. Islanders in 6

Western Conference:

FYI – taupe

St. Louis vs. Dallas (F, Sun, Tu, Th, Sat*, M*, W*)

  • This could be a good series, but could also be boring as hell. It all depends on which Dallas team shows up. If it’s the hurt, hit, and slow-down-the-game Stars, then prepare for a lot of 1-0 or 2-1 games. But if it’s the run & gun Stars, then it’s going to be fantastic, because that’s the only gear the Blues have. GOALS FOR EVERYONE! Deciding factor: Brian Elliot. The Moose is hot right now, and I think – like the Canucks in 2011 – once the Blues got the Hawks monkey off their back, they could be in for a magical run. Blues in 7
FYI – beige

Nashville vs. San Jose (F, Sun, Tu, Th, Sat*, M*, Th*)

  • I see no redeeming value in watching this series, other than the fact that I will be in Nashville in time for Game 6, so you bet your ass I’ll be looking for a ticket if it gets that far. But, it won’t, much to Covalent Blonde’s relief. Sharks in 5

 

At this point, Gary Bettman’s best hope for ratings is a Blues – Islanders or Blues – Capitals final. However, what would kill him would be Tampa – Nashville. Decisions, decisions…

Time to keep makin’ it rain!

Oh – the NHL Draft Lottery is Saturday night. All 7 Canadian teams are in it, looking to draft a Swiss kid from America – Auston Matthews – number 1. Toronto has a 20% chance of getting the first pick, which means they will probably won’t because God and Canada (outside the 416) hates the Leafs – that’s the only national sport we have left at this point.

 

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Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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King Hippo

what a dead crowd. DC is a shiiiiittttt sports town

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yup

King Hippo

say what you will re Balmer…they’d be making noise of some varietal

theeWeeBabySeamus

We’d be throwing shit.
Like literally…throwing shit.

Croooow

And they think they can convince Kevin Durant to sign up for that.

laserguru

I think not.

WCS

Keep that kind of talk up, and Chairman Dan is gonna sue your ass.

SonOfSpam

Larry Wilmore closed the dinner with “Yo, Barry…you did it, my n___er.”

CNN is trying to determine how to react. It’s uncomfortable. And awesome.

King Hippo

DEE-LIGHT-FUL

laserguru

Hot taek time!

I don’t like pancakes.

They do nothing for me.

Give me biscuits and gravy anytime.

So there!

JustStopDude

Is there a reason that every single Caps player seems completely adverse to shooting the fucking puck?

Covalent Blonde

Seeing Kessel’s fat fucking head throws perspective off. Like refraction in water.

theeWeeBabySeamus

da Fuq…I get home, turn on the TV and see THAT bullshit goal?
Not to mention that the O’s fucked themselves in the ass apparently while I was away.
/heads to freezer fo’ the freezer vodka

Covalent Blonde

It’s a great game…. except for the Caps score deficit

Croooow

Ice Steelers go top shelf

WCS

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

HOW IN THE BLOODY FUCK DID THAT GO IN?!?!?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

THAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATS WHAT SHE SAID!!!!!!!!!!!

King Hippo

ONLY difficult goals. NEVAR the open netters. Have you not been charting teh pattern?

Gratliff

Larry Wilmore is murdering CNN and msnbc right now, and the crowd is groaning like crazy. It’s fantastic. Wolf Blitzer and Alleged Journalist, Don Lemon, deserve all the shade. Everything bad about the media is sitting in that audience right now.

SonOfSpam

Yeah, he’s fantastic and no one in the crowd appreciates it.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

DVRing it.

SonOfSpam

I guess Gratliff and I are the only ones who saw Obama in full IDGAF mode. It was pretty glorious.

King Hippo

I am intrigued to read about it tomorrow. I am sure “GOP Reacts Reasonably” will be delicious as well, because they have always underestimated the President’s mad trolling game.

And here is where I will make a small sales pitch to you folks FOAR HillyBob. They are gonna work together like ninjas between now and November. It’s gonna be BRUTAL. They competed against one another like true heavyweight champions, and earned each other’s respect and admiration. And once they worked together…they truly developed a friendship and trust bond.

Obama wouldn’t trust his legacy to just anyone. And you are about to watch a masterclass in politics like nobody has seen since LBJ was nut-cuttin’ on the floor of the Senate.

Gratliff

I fully expect them to begin the murking process here shortly with Sanders basically officially dead.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
King Hippo

his headache is gone ,, but he wants to ride on

Covalent Blonde

I can’t see anything other than “irritate the bowels of the consumer viewing this” in the marketing brainstorm going into that Stella Artois Cirde commercial

Senor Weaselo

The Dirt Giants need to learn how to hit the dirt football better especially when they have a chance to score dirt points. What I’m saying is if Horatio and I take a drink every time the Yankees fuck up with RISP or at all, we should both be dead of cirrhosis by *does math* Memorial Day.

/Holy shit I spelled “cirrhosis” right first try!

King Hippo

THAT’S GOOD ALCOHOLISM HUSTLE!

Senor Weaselo

The good alcoholism hustle’s been over the last two weeks. I’m pretty sure this would be bad alcoholism hustle.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Quebec?

Senor Weaselo

That sounds about right actually.

Gratliff

“FUCK you, Chuck Todd” – Barack Obama, 2016

King Hippo

It’ll just be him and Diamond Joe Biden, getting shitfaced and eating ribs.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Well, I’m in agreement with the President on that one.

King Hippo

You fuck up too many empty nets, Ice Stillers. JEEBUS

WCS

foja;ofjsvnnveirujgobl ndo u’plbn ,ori 430r9p

And you can quote me.

King Hippo

well, ain’t that a kick in the scrotum

Covalent Blonde

Huzzah! Caps did a good!

Croooow

Meanwhile, the Spurs are flame broiling the Thunder 105-66. Can we just put them and the Warriors into the WCF already?

King Hippo

Basketball season ended like 3 weeks ago, silly!

Gratliff

YOLO Obama coming about 7 years too late for my tastes

King Hippo

well, he ain’t running for anything no mo, and his chosen successor gets to face Donald Trump…so…changes the calculus a wee bit.

JustStopDude

Hot Taek TIME!!!!

Ali today, would get crucified for his pre and post match comments/behavior.

AND HE SHOULD!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

He was at the time.

JustStopDude

Oh I realize that. One of the things that bug the shit out of me about Ali is how the history about him has been sort of whitewashed into him being recognized right away as being fantastic and was instantly a fan favorite.

King Hippo

I’ve always wanted to write an opera about Ali, just so some 50-year old elegant white lady has to recite his line about the Vietcong.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“no Vietcong ever called me Niagara Falls”

Senor Weaselo

Get to work on that libretto, Hippo, and I’ll see what I can do.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

A lot of people hated him, especially white people.

King Hippo

Lots of white people can’t stand a black man telling the unvarnished truth.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Yep, funny that my dad liked him in a lot of ways. Reminds me that we used to watch boxing on Friday nights. Him and Smokin’ Joe; that was a rivalry that caused them both CTE.

Gratliff

Obama’s miles better during his set tonight, but nothing short of transforming into Chris Rock halfway through is going to make me forget that fucking spilt milk joke.

King Hippo

Did he tell the GOP to suck his giant black dick yet? I keep waiting for that and being all disappoint.

Covalent Blonde

Does it make me a bad person for enjoying every time I see the B’s listed on the draft pick ticker?

Senor Weaselo

Nope.

King Hippo

NAWT FAYEH!!!

King Hippo

Mathematically, the best possible 2-minute power play is with 2:03 left in the period, eh?

Spanky Datass

THIS CAT I CALL HIM ZAMBONI CAUSE … … wait, do zambonis have headlights?

Covalent Blonde

Or… or… :03 left in the 3rd period?

laserguru

Covalent Blonde

Shit yes, you magnificent punching bag, Holtby!

laserguru

Hey Kitty cat!

How the are yez?

Covalent Blonde

Poor Caps.

Covalent Blonde

Now, now. Since when was an ass suplex interference?

Covalent Blonde

Is that live-action Krieger?

King Hippo

That’ll do, pig. That’ll do.

JustStopDude

Nice stick to the face by Crosby on Holby.

Covalent Blonde

Right? I believe that will go down as “missed opportunities” and by ‘opportunities’ they mean decapitation

King Hippo

WBS is at the State/Dook el beisbol fixture, at least.

Covalent Blonde

Woo! Go Pack!

JustStopDude

So this is where Washington does their yearly implosion in the playoffs right?

King Hippo

Let’s fucking hope so!!

Croooow

Does this make sense?: Washington Capitals = 1990s Atlanta Braves

King Hippo

without the 1 happy fun time

JustStopDude

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JustStopDude
King Hippo

you ever have one of those nights when, no matter what you do, you just can’t seem to get your glasses 100% clean?

FUCK DO I FUCKING GODDAMNED HATE THAT

/not ready FOAR zombie apocalypse

JustStopDude

I’ve had it where I went all the way to the kitchen sink, to run water into my eyes, because I couldn’t blink away the blur…only to realize that I need to clean my fucking glasses.

Croooow

As a fellow glasses-wearer, I know exactly how you feel.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Who keeps putting dick prints on them?!?!?

King Hippo

time FOAR ICE STILLER HAPPY TIMES WINE

laserguru

King Hippo

Moose, you such an engineer

/this is a compliment

King Hippo

yep, everyone likes to be listened to and valued. Universally, since the dawn of time.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

It’s pretty good.

King Hippo

good shit man

JustStopDude

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mO3jzoqIeTg

Just to get in the mood for the Foxes tomorrow…

JustStopDude

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JustStopDude

comment image

WCS

Is this where we talk pucks n’at?

JustStopDude

comment image

Working my uber, lyft, and airbnb shift….

Spanky Datass

It appears so but watch out, Moose has released a lot of wildlife on this thread.
http://67.media.tumblr.com/7b07e2010caf6fa233ab7e0c78c5b151/tumblr_o1tposBhys1uhyibpo1_500.jpg

Spanky Datass

Brought to you by the good folks at Mutual of OMAHA! OMAHA! OMAHA!

JustStopDude

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Spanky Datass

“SHUT UP AND EAT YOUR BROCCOLI!”

Spanky Datass

Daawwww!

JustStopDude

Evening folks. Spent the day in the Veterans hospital in Baltimore, hacking up bloody shit. Decided that god was telling me to get the fuck out of dodge and stop spending time with my insane family. So I ducked out and drove back home.

TIME FOR SOME HOCKEY!!!!

King Hippo

Boring interview is boring. CHRIST, NBC.

King Hippo

I need a cooler banking option ,, smgdh

King Hippo

GO CANADIA!!! Squander another #1 pick!!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Spanky Datass

Now that the draft is over shall we begin defiling this spot a our open thread?
Asking for a friend …
http://40.media.tumblr.com/7287aa294de62bc071d58e81bf486637/tumblr_nzcu6oADt71uhyibpo1_500.jpg

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
ALXMAC

Chris Isaak – Speak of the Devil

https://youtu.be/LjjQmxGNd4I

Wakezilla

Lets see:

Wash in 7
Tampa in 6
Dallas in 6
Preds in 7. . . TBH, this is just wishful thinking. The Sharks look like they aren’t going to choke this year

I’m seriously hoping for a Preds/Lightning Cup finals, just so I can imagine being a fly on the wall when Bettmen talks to the CEO of Rogers after the ratings are at an all-time low.

Wakezilla

Also, the small tin foil hat on my head says the Blue Jackets or Oilers are going to win the draft this year. Oilers because Bettman wants draft rules changed. Blue Jackets because they aren’t Canadian.

...

It’s annoying to see a league with regional appeal try to push big markets to succeed thinking that makes them less of a regional sport.

You want to be a national sport like the NFL? Fix that problem. Don’t shit on more than half your fans because they live outside predetermined preferred markets.

Spanky Datass
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

DUDE! Pretty sure he just took the cruise …..SMH.

ALXMAC

EDIT: Stars in 7

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...

WEEEEEEEE!

ballsofsteelandfury

LICK THAT TOAD! LICK THAT TOAD!

laserguru

You will always have the Blue Jays.

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