Let Fury Have the Hour

Note: Blaxabbath challenged me to write this post. And it brought out the worst in me, including my language.

After moving the Colts to Indianapolis, owner Robert Irsay right, at a press conference explained how season and game ticket sales will be handled for this season's Colts games in the Hoosier Dome. (Alex Persons/UPI)

I want to dig you up, set you on fire, feed you to rabid dogs, and burn what’s left.

Before we start on this journey to the blackest hole of hatred for the Irsays, let’s get a few motherfucking facts straight.

I am a Baltimoron, and I don’t deny anything about my city. Crime, drugs, cops, riots, poverty, and all the rest of the shit? I get it. I’m proud of my hometown. Don’t like it? I’ll smash your face in with a crab mallet.

  • I realize that what happened to Cleveland was basically what happened to Baltimore. I wish like hell that asseating, dung-sucking, dick face Tagliabue had given us the expansion franchise. He can take that museum quote and shove it right the fuck up his ass, along with a rusty plowshare. I don’t fucking care how he gets it the fuck up there. That’s his problem. How about a museum dedicated to the different ways Baltimorons would kill the fuck out of you, asshole? I’ll do the groundbreaking with your skull.
  • So here comes the hatred like a fucking barrage from a German 88. Does that make me a Nazi lover? If you think that, then eat shit and die, dickbags. You all know what I mean and an artillery barrage on Fat Hump Nation – imagine all the cheese, gravy, and fatty tissue that would be spread over 100 square miles. You obese, grease slathered cretins should all move underground so we don’t have to see you at Colts game, descretating the blue and white. Eat a rusty horseshoe, bitches.

Paul-Tagliabue

Main attraction in the Asshole Museum. Like Hunter Thompson said, “I want to gnaw on your skull.”

So where was I? Oh, hatred. Let’s get this juggernaut up and running, because I’m gonna spread the hate like a five dollar hooker spreads on a Friday night in downtown Shitsville.

I can sum up my hatred for the Irsays in one sentence: “When they moved the team, they napalmed memories that hundreds of thousands of people held dear.”

They may have stolen the team, since they were owned by an alcoholic, squint eyed piece of syphillitic trash, but they lessons I learned will be forever stamped into my fever, bourbon soaked neurons.

BONDING
I went to games with my father, uncles, and cousins. I listened to them give each other tons of shit, and watched as they sat and enjoyed each others company. And drank. Yup, that was Bonding 101. Around the end, the bonding resembled soldiers in foxholes, because calling that crowd surly and violent was like saying Philadelphia fans can be asshole.

RESPECT
When Johnny Unitas got his Hall of Fame ring at halftime of a Colts game, it started to snow and sleet and the wind was blowing all that shit sideways. “I’m going down to get a hot chocolate,” I said. And my father said, “You’re not going anywhere. You’re staying here. That man is a legend. He’s done a lot for this city. Sit down and show some respect.”

COOKING
Each guy in my father’s group of season ticket holders had to provide food for everyone at halftime. And your game better be spot on. Sausage and pepper sandwiches. Eggs and pepper sandwiches. Italian subs. Meatball subs. Fuck this up and you would be treated like a social services worker visiting Adrian Peterson’s house.

PRIDE
My grandfather poured concrete at Memorial Stadium. I walked into that stadium with that fact in my tiny head – and I told my friends this about eleventy-billion times. That pile of bricks was more valuable to Baltimoreans than unlimited steamed crabs for life. Believe it.

HUMILITY
Like other athletes at the time, Colts players worked jobs in the off season. And they fucking did it with pride, and when you met one of those guys – and it was easier than hell back then – they didn’t have a posse or any of that shit. They shook your hand and maybe had a beer with you. Artie Donovan yelled at me for running around the club he owned. Best memory ever.

stayclassy

Stay classy, Ravens fans.

So what? Where’s the hatred, Fozz? Shouldn’t you be thankful? I am, fucknuts. And I’ve done my best to teach the Fozz spawn some of these lessons – when I’m sober and not looking at boobie pictures on this website.

Now, let’s let that hatred flow. It’s black, viscous, and burns through shit better than the liquid in an Aliens body.

Irsay became owner of the franchise, and the shit hurricane started. Slowly at first, when he was threatening to move the team. And okay, Memorial Stadium was falling apart and behind the times. You can’t polish a turd. There was the normal the back and forth between Irsay, Baltimore and Maryland politicians, the NFL, and various moneymen and slobbering greedheads. Hyman Pressman, the city comptroller at the time, can eat a festering bag of raw dicks. He threw more monkey wrenches in the proposed funding of a new stadium than a pack of horny monkeys. In the end, you know what happened.

They moved in the middle of the night in a driving snowstorm. And I cried like Tom Brady. I also learned that life can hit you in the face like a sock full of marbles. People drove out to Owings Mills to try and stop the move, but it was all gone. Irsay, that yellow backed coward, was already in Indy, mixing gravy with vodka and laughing. God, I wanted to set his face on fire and then put it out with a rusty Garden Weasel.

Everything was gone. Every memory was painful. The truly worst thing about the entire debacle was that the colors and name are gone. Forever. I don’t think I can ever visit Canton because I couldn’t fucking bear to stand in front of the Colts section – with floors slippery from trampled cheese curds and gravy containers – and not see the word Baltimore anywhere.

Afterwards, we watched as that human colostomy bag Irsay wallowed in his personal pigsty in Indianapolis. We suffered through USFL football, Canadian football, we might have had an XFL team, I was probably drunk at the time. Missed out on expansion teams (fuck you again with a jagged piece of volcanic glass, Tagliabue.)

Then we got the Ravens – and to me it felt kind of sleazy. It was like being able to pork this really hot babe, but she was only available because she and her boyfriend couldn’t work it out. And she was drunk. Like all Baltimorons, we embraced the team. We’re lucky. It’s been a good 20 years. We have an Elite Quarterback who is thinking about maybe, just maybe, trying chocolate milk this season. We’ll see.

I still loathe the Irsays – and watching that bumbling, pill-addled, monkey fucker Jim Irsay spew nonsense like his old man only adds fuel to the Hate Lava that I reserve for this family.

dumbfuck

Take those rings and shove them deep into your anus. You are the offspring of a degenerate whore monger.

There you have it. My hate for that family is deeper than John Madden’s love for Brett Favre. Is it unfounded? Overboard? Is it time to move on? Probably. Maybe. YES. I don’t care. Fuck the Irsays. Forever.

One last story about my father and a Colts game. Our seats were in the bleachers, and during a game, a drunk guy fell down the steps and banged his head on the row of seats where we sat. He landed in a way that resulted in his eye being pushed out of his head.

Blood everywhere.

My father stood up, put a handkerchief over the guy’s eye, calmed him down, and walked him to first aid and made sure he was taken to the hospital.

He never mentioned this to anyone in my family.

One of my uncles told me that story when I was much older. I asked him what he did.

“I tried not to vomit all over your father and that guy.”

Thanks for listening. I’m dropping a bag full of typhoid-carrying fleas down Jim Irsay’s chimney tonight.

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ballsofsteelandfury

This was amazing! I’m old enough to remember the Baltimore Colts. It is STILL fucking weird for me to see/hear them referred to as the Indianapolis Colts. Fuck the Irsays forever.

Doktor Zymm

At least Domino Sugar is pretty awesome, they’ve modernized the refinery quite a bit and sell power back to the grid. The sign, which is larger than the infield at Camden Yards, is now solar powered, and unlike men of the city, boasts a 40-foot D.
http://www.solsticephoto.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/10/DominoSugarsWithRavensPurple.forWeb.jpg

montythisseemsstrangetome

“Blaxabbath has no decency. He called me a ‘Baltimoron’.

Oh, now I get it. Ha ha.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=98es34hGAXg

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Nice hate.

PFTC think the hate is good, but it’s too speling and not enough tellig.

Brocky

Fuck You Monkey Business!!!

Brocky

I meant to throw in a “throwback thursday joke”

laserguru

Monkey Business is still in mourning after losing Battleship Manning.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

He showed up at a certain other site and was bragging about getting Luck and described Manning as broken in typical MB unsophisticated.trolling fashion.

Beerguyrob

I don’t get what this has to do with “The Wire”?

blaxabbath

What is the story behind that photo of Irsay?

Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water

He’s threatening to punch out the photographer for wandering too close to his drug den… at least that’s what’s in my headcanon.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Oh, I thought he was completely wasted and showing the ring(s) the same night he got pulled over with a bunch ~$28,000 of cash. But now that you mention it that picture was from before he got busted; maybe the same things happened with the exception of police involvement.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Quality hate. LOFTY hate.

laserguru

Coach Zimmer thinks you really need to step up your hate game.

blaxabbath

Soooo…..I actually just asked you to write a post about HEARSAY in the Bateman case. You know, since it’s in Baltimore. But, ummmmm, this post was informative too.

http://www.capitalgazette.com/news/for_the_record/ph-ac-cn-bateman-legal-experts-0422-20160421-story.html

laserguru

“But it’s great for the corner boys.”

-Marlo Stansfield

JerBear50

Got no time for the corner boys.
comment image?9643ae

JustStopDude

You know a great, similar thing that happened to Baltimore, just like the Colts moving, is the implosion of Sparrows Point. At one time, the single largest steel mill in the world, Sparrows Point is now just sitting there rotting. Just like the Colts moving, there is equal blame all around.

Bethlehem Steel was run by idiots. They sold all their mines overseas for quick cash, never realizing they were screwing themselves long term. They never put money into the pension or healthcare system. Both the company and the union ignored the need to upgrade and increase efficiency. Hell…the union was just as insane. There is transcripts from the last union meeting, in which the members were being told that Severstal was getting out and the mill was completely shutdown, and members were bitching that their sick day time compensation was too low.

And when all this was really going bad, the political leaders would pretend that they were willing to do what it takes to keep the jobs and the facility…but when push came to shove, they did fuck all.

So now we just have a Superfund site sitting there. Most of the equipment has been sold or scrapped. The jobs will never return. People have stupid ideas like putting in condos or a LNG terminal there when the government won’t do shit to actually get it done.

Colts, Sparrows Point, etc…all rust belt city stories…repeated a thousand times over. Its hilarious to me how Cleveland and Baltimore people hate each other because they are two sides of the same coin. Deindustrialization, urban poverty, high crime, high drug usage, racism…its all the same shit with slightly different accents.

Jesus Christ…I need to lighten up..

Unsurprised

Even if people really tried and wanted to, we can’t even eat the rich. They’re filled with drugs and fillers and neurotoxins.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’d suggest eating their children, but that’s not an option either since they’re filled with things like measles and whooping cough.

nomonkeyfun

Yes, but it would be a…
http://static.fjcdn.com/pictures/Csi_c3011a_1991131.jpg
Swift way out of the problem.