At the outset I would like the to thank the following people and/or groups for providing me with all the information I stole for this post. Because believe me I know as much about Venezuelan soccer as Hugo Chavez did about maintaining a functional economy: Jack Dick. The following are responsible for the “facts” and “figures” you’ll be reading here; any errors therein are solely their fault. The LA Times, ESPN Stats & Info, NBC Soprts/Soccer and, god help me, Sports Illustrated.

Oh, the picture above? In 2015 8 women stripped down to their all-together to inspire Venezuela’s team in that year’s edition of the Copa America. The ‘Vinotinotos”, (“red wines”; a soccer team named after whining. How perfect.), responded by beating Colombia, which based on this years rankings would be a fantastic upset. Was it an upset in 2015? I don’t know or care. I just liked the picture. Anyway Venezuela promptly lost their next two games so you know what that means for this year right? That’s right, 16 naked women and two wins!

Venezuela is currently ranked 74th in the world of futbol, dropping 38 spots since 2013, or, as the LA Times put it, “the Bolivar isn’t the only thing dropping in Venezuela.” They are the only South American team to not win a game in World Cup qualifying this round, (0-6, although I suppose there could be a draw in there), and they’ve given up nearly three goals a game doing so.

The Vivotinos play in Group C with Uruguay, (ranked 9th but without noted vampire and all-around prick Luis Suarez due to a hamstring injury), Mexico, (ranked 16th and has never lost to Venezuela, in soccer or in mismanaging an oil-based economy), and Jamaica, which ranked 55th by FIFA but #1 by that guy down the hall in your dorm who always had the door shut while blasting Bob Marley and misquoting the lyrics at the top of his lungs.

Best Player on the Squad

From what I’m reading it’s Jose Salomon Rondon, a forward with West Bromwich Albion in the Premier League who piled up 9 whole goals this past season. That doesn’t seem like a lot to me, especially over 30 games, but I’m a ‘murican so who knows. I do know West Brom finished 14th in the Premier and missed getting relegated by 6 points. I’m not saying that’s Rondon’s fault but I’m not not saying that if you know what I mean. Do you know what I mean? Because I have no idea at all. I’m just rambling at this point.

The Schedule
June 5th in Chicago vs. Jamaica. Hopefully both teams travel well because I don’t see much of a base for either team here in the Windy City

June 9th in Philadelphia vs. Uruguay. Probably a home game for Vivotintos as the Philly fans amuse themselves by endlessly yelling “No, YOU are gay!” at the Uruguay team, which will not understand a word they’re hearing but will, having played enough South American soccer, know enough to duck the batteries being hurled at them.

June 13th in Houston vs. Mexico. There will be more Mexicans at this game than there were at the Alamo, and with similar results.

What are there chances of bringing home the Cup of Americas? According to ESPN’s Soccer Power Index a whopping .1%, tied with Jamaica and Bolivia for the second worse chance, and ahead of only Haiti, which hilariously has a 0% chance of winning. Might as well not even bother showing up Haiti.

Best Realistic Outcome: Win their first game against Jamaica, lose by less than 3 goals each to Uruguay and Mexico. Return home to an emerging dictatorship, a population more concerned with the absence of, in no particular order, toilet paper, social stability, money and electricity.

Worst Realistic Outcome: Lose to Jamaica and then get blown the fuck out by Uruguay and Mexico. Return home to an emerging dictatorship, a population more concerned with the absence of, in no particular order, toilet paper, social stability, money and electricity, but also get accused of being puppets of the Yankee imperialist hegemony.