So I wasn’t planning on doing a CrimeBeat! this week, as 1. it’s the off-off season, 2. work is shitty and makes me not want to even make a passing gesture toward “funny”, and 3. every time it seems to be filled with Dire News for the Bills, and my fragile psyche flipped cause and effect so that I believed that I was the source of my team’s injury woes.

But men. MEN! One cannot look a gift horse in the heavily-armed sweatpants in this business, and the Broncos’ Aqib Talib is just such a horse.

AQIB TALIB

CHARGE: Impersonating a Plaxico, Playing Cornerback Without A Safety

Oh Aqib. You beautiful, bald, monstrous human being you. I’d give you a hug, but I’m afraid of being shot, stabbed, tazed or impaled by whatever concealed weaponry you might be carrying.

In case you missed it, Talib allegedly got shot at around 3:45 a.m. in the fine city of Dallas, Texas, where the good guys with guns can stop the bad guys with guns, unless they shoot themselves or their loved ones with those guns. My normal idiotic use of the term “allegedly” will now cease, because literally every other part of this case actually is controverted or otherwise murkified.

According to initial reporting (and TMZ Sports, which is to reporting what dog food is to fine dining) Talib was one of three men shot outside V Live, which the more genteel news outlets are referring to as “nightclub”, but is apparently more of a “strip joint”. The police are searching for an “unknown assailant” in connection with this version of the story.

HOWEVER: like the underrated cult classic movie Clue, there are two more possible endings.

Talib’s initial public response was that he was nowhere near such a den of inquity and sin, but was rather engaged in healthy and invigorating leisure activities at one of Dallas’ many fine public parks. At 3:45 a.m. In this version, Talib stated to police that he was too drunk to remember what happened at all.

Third, and not entirely inconsistent with Version 2, is that Talib was not quite as drunk as that and remembers exactly what happened: he shot himself. This is allegedly the story he is telling friends, and no one seems to be specifying where he was located when the Code Plaxico occurred, so presumably it could have been in said park, in said jiggle joint, or perhaps in some undisclosed third location. The bullet apparently entered through the rear of his thigh and exited through his calf, leading many to speculate that he had the gun stuck in the rear waistband of his pants.

That’s right, bitches: there is a possibility that Talib has established a new Triple Crown:

1. The Plaxico- shot by a gun in your waistband,
2. The Pacman- shooting in a strip club
3. The JR Ewing- shot in Dallas

It’s going to be really fun watching this one play out. Talib spent two days in the hospital, and will allegedly be ready to go by the time the defending Super Bowl champions play their first preseason game. Which apparently means Sammy Watkins would have been better off getting fucking shot than breaking a minor bone in his foot

WENDELL SMALLWOOD

CHARGE: Making me giggle like a schoolgirl

Big news in tiny running backs, everyone! In the minuscule void left by Darren Sproles’ decision to skip OTAs, fifth-round Mighty Mite Wendell Smallwood has allegedly stepped up to assume the all-purpose “David” role in the Eagles offense. Hurray for the little guy!

Actually, Smallwood isn’t really that small. He’s about 5’10”, 200 lbs, which is taller than a lot of feature backs (Frank Gore, Doug Martin, etc.) and about the average weight. But his name is “Smallwood”, and since the killjoys at the FCC are probably not going to allow announcers to speculate on air about whether his miniature genitalia give him an advantage in making open-field cuts, they’re going to try desperately to shoe-horn in “regular” size jokes.

When reached for comment, an anonymous source in the color-commentary community stated, “THIS SMALLWOOD, I CALL HIM SOUTHERN VIRGINIA UNIVERSITY BECAUSE HE’S SO POORLY ENDOWED!”

5CHAN

CHARGE: CSI Cybering the NFL Twitter feed

So someone hijacked the NFL Twitter account and announced that The Ginger Hammer had Rogered his last Goodell. It was pretty obviously fake. Roger made a joke about it. Hastily-planned celebrations of his death in New Orleans and Boston were subsequently cancelled, although the alcohol will still be utilized because, hey, it’s Tuesday in New Orleans and Boston.