Hello.
I’m Tom Brady. You might have recently read the news that my petition was denied by the U.S. Second Court of Appeals, and that I’ll be forced to serve a four game suspension for allegedly tampering with footballs. That’s fine. I’ll accept my punishment. While Jimmy Garoppolo takes my place on the field against the Cardinals, Dolphins, Texans, and [chuckles derisively] Bills, I won’t be sitting at home with my supermodel wife in my luxurious mansion feeling sorry for myself. I intend to keep myself busy. No, I won’t be memorizing the playbook, or studying film. I have another pursuit in mind. One that will show you, and Roger Goodell, and everyone else in this great nation just how true it is that idle hands become the devil’s plaything.
I intend to seduce – and then unceremoniously discard – every woman in your life that you ever cared about.
Your mother. Your sister. Your aunt Rita. That cute barista at the coffee shop who seems to smile more brightly for you than for any other customer and who you’ve tipped over eighty dollars in loose change so far this year. Your prom date, who was the flag team co-captain and you had something of a crush on but never attempted to consummate, preferring to remain “just friends” – even on prom night – and who is now a lonely schoolteacher in Des Moines. She still pines for you, occasionally, you know. Like you, she sometimes wonders what might have happened if you’d had just a bit more courage.
The receptionist at your place of business. The lifeguard at the pool where you take your children for swimming lessons. The young woman at the gym whose schedule roughly corresponds to your own, who you’ve gradually become comfortable making eye contact with and might initiate a conversation with someday. The cashier at your preferred grocery store – the one who wears too much mascara and you sometimes wonder whether she’s turning tricks on the side. I have no idea whether she is, or isn’t. But I can tell you that I personally won’t be paying her a cent. I won’t need to. She will come to bed with me happily, and willingly, and when I’ve finished with her I’ll toss her aside and move on to the next woman you’ve had even a passing fancy for. I’m thinking it will be your real estate broker.
After all this, have you started to become concerned about my intentions toward your fifteen year-old niece? You needn’t be. Our society has rules, and I wouldn’t want to break those rules. I won’t be doing anything illegal. Just unethical. Ah, the things I will do with these women. Yes, so very unethical.
I’ll be starting with your wife. No, don’t bother trying to call her. She’s already on her way to meet me, and I’ve instructed her to turn off her phone. In the meantime, I suggest you listen to some music – songs of heartbreak and betrayal seem like they would be relevant. Here’s one to get you started. Please try to enjoy yourself. I know I intend to.
To go with Riki’s from down below
Dion and the Belmonts- The Wanderer
https://youtu.be/IkoidwsLXCg
Biz Markie : Just A Friend
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9aofoBrFNdg
Human League : Human
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s1ysoohV_zA
Holy shit I’m all over the map! I better stop down and have a late lunch.
Pixies : Bone Machine
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NdgWYGKU3xo
Lynyrd Skynyrd : I Know A Little
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y2HRrjpiM7Y
Let’s Roast Tom Brady Over an Open Fire Pit
Buy Tom Brady a Plane Ticket to Chernobyl
Tom is a Dick
Still looking for these YouTube links
Audioslave – What You Are
QotSA – Misfit Love
Ramones – The KKK Took My Baby Away (The KKK is this case being Johnny, which is awkward)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qx0zeMbLOCY
Matt Damon’s career defining role: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Vyj1C8ogtE
That’s good, but I liked him better in Team America.
In the Pines, Lead Belly
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2MkfTYPmLlA
I wouldn’t advise women to date Lead Belly. He was stabbier than Ray Lewis.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lead_Belly
Plus, stabbing him back (at least, in the belly) does nothing!
http://s3cf.recapguide.com/img/tv/117/11×16/The-Simpsons-Season-11-Episode-16-28-edb0.jpg
“A little on the nose, don’t you think?”
Squeeze – Tempted
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SmlCJFaUnKI
GREAT choice.
Strong female double shot:
Lauren Mayberry RULES. For a single dad raising three daughters, I’m glad there are millenial role models like her.
IF YOU LIKE PINA COLADAS . . . GETTING CAUGHT IN THE RAIN . . .
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TazHNpt6OTo
Tainted Love, Soft Cell
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qsMz9vIaLwQ
O.P.P., Naughty By Nature
(Had to do it, this song is terrible)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6xGuGSDsDrM
You call it palenis. Don’t lie.
Standing Around Crying, Muddy Waters
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dy_5_heozlQ
My ex-wife shrieked for Morrissey to play this when we saw him live like in December 2008/early 2009. Goddamn, that man can still put on a show even if he’s a bit tubby in middle age.
He also said he wanted to make love to us all, which is quite a compliment from an avowed asexual ,, ppl forget that.
Poor Tom, Led Zeppelin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3STCr9A7_EE
Double Shot!
Heard It Through the Grapevine, Marvin Gaye
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6FODXN6LnzA
Fuck You Tom Brady You Cheatin’ Asshole
Tom Brady is a Fucking Cheater
Only Dicks Wear Uggs
Fuck You in the Ass with a Rusty Piece of Rebar, Tom Brady
*Can’t find any YouTube links, will keep searching.
Tom Petty – Don’t Do Me Like That
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T1aU1wbFSTs
She really was astonishingly talented.
One of the last things I bought the love of my life (after we went browsing in Quail Ridge Books) was an Amy Winehouse biography, which she – despite being in various stages of tipsy – read straight through in 48 hours. It was the only time we really sat down together in my house and read together. I bought and finished the new David Sedaris, which I believe was “Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim” in about the same time frame. She identified strongly with this song, and liked it when she was drinking wine.
Nice memory time.
I fucking love Sedaris’ books
Quick announcement: lady snow’s surgery for her broken arm has concluded, and the surgeon tells me it went just like they drew it up. They’ll let me into the recovery room in about half an hour.
Good to hear. Next time maybe she’ll get you that beer a little quicker.
Oh man, I feel terrible for laughing at this.
oh god
I was going to make a crack about restrictive Texas abortion laws and staircases, but this is much better.
Jack White does Dolly Parton (ewwwww, NAWT like that):
I dare you to post a White Stripes/Jake White vanity project You Tube video without going down a 30+ minute audio wormhole YOU CAN’T!!!
DOUBLE SHOT
Black Jack Davey
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dSyaYxxQl3U
fuck that’s good.
Hey There Trent Edwards
https://youtu.be/jEFXV8ogv3Y
This is goddamned magnificent.
Holy crap.
Cake – Ruby Don’t Take Your Love To Town (Kenny Rogers remake)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qmk1wq9yT-Y
Cake does country RIGHT by gawd…
Guns n Roses – Estranged
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dpmAY059TTY
That’s a good place to leave it. There’s just SO MANY SAD SONGS.
Aerosmith – What It Takes
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CSnuQcFgvDo
Corey Taylor (Sound City) – From Can to Can’t
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RTxAS4jGsyU
George Michael – Careless Whisper
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=izGwDsrQ1eQ
Kind of wish I’d used this in the main post.
I’m with Magary on really enjoying this band.
Shaggy – It Wasn’t Me
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=75fyFAh29XY
Double shot of mature infidelity:
Patsy Cline – Your Cheatin’ Heart
(Chose her version instead of Hank Williams’ because Patsy Cline doesn’t have an asshole son as far as I know.)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fKZRp515SmY
…asshole son…
that’s not how babies are born smdh orange county sex education
By the way, great work (always, and this week in particular) on choosing topics. Always look forward to this on Fridays.
Thanks – I hope you recognize this as an homage to your comment to jjfozz on the Mammals post – that still makes me laugh to this day.
Holy shit, thanks for the flashback!
Fuck yes. I always know the afternoon/evening will be hot, but MOTHERFUCK will I enjoy blowing it to shreds.
I meant “shot” but fuck it, “hot” also works!!
Back in the early 80’s I met a 60 year old blues guitar player who called himself the Mississippi Flash and he taught me to play this on the bass.
First bass song that I ever learned.
REO Speedwagon – Take It On the Run
https://youtu.be/NVtIgfqI6yo
Hey, my Aunt Rita is dead. So she probably won’t move around a whole lot.
http://www.metacafe.com/embed/7773301/baseketball_1998_beers_vs_la_riots/
Sorry it kept autoplaying and was getting annoying.
No worries. I didn’t realize it would autoplay. Just wanted to give the appropriate h/t to Trey and Matt for the joke.
Not a true DOUBLE SHOT, but these two classic oldies seem to belong together:
Gibby!
Allman Brothers- One Way Out
https://youtu.be/JK4srj7zTwM
Was this song written about Tom and the Pats? Possibly, as it came out in 2008:
The thing that always got me about “heading to the cheatin’ side of town”, was the question is there a non-cheating side of town. Do you worry if you come home and your wife tells you, by the way I found us a great house on the cheatin’ side of town? Or if are interested in someone from the cheatin’ side of town, do you actually try and form a relationship or just have the one night stand?
And when you step out the front door…