Tebow At The Convention

Tim Tebow was rumored to be a featured speaker at the Republican National Convention this week in Cleveland. Alas, Tebow himself shot down the idea, telling reporters he never agreed to speak at the convention and was not supporting Donald Trump or any other presidential candidate. While that seemed to be the end of the story, Door Flies Open’s investigative journalists discovered that Tebow actually did intend to speak at the convention. Apparently, the pressure got to Tebow (big surprise) and he changed his mind last week. What follows is a draft of the speech Tim Tebow was to give at the convention.

Ladies and gentlemen, esteemed congressmen and senators, members of the press, and any scouts in attendance: My name is Tim Tebow, and I am honored to endorse Donald Trump for President of The United States of America! Mr. Trump is the only candidate available who can truly make America great again, and we need to make every effort to get him elected. I hope you’ll all join me in praying really hard and working out for the cause.

My support of Mr. Trump began when I was in the womb, and my mother decided not to abort me. It was a difficult decision for her, as my head is large, and she decided to give birth without any medication. If I had been her, pregnant with me, I’m not sure I would have had me, as my urethra would have been torn to shreds. Thankfully, she was brave and passed me like a kidney stone. And predicting my collegiate success, her pass was complete, into the hands of a Christian doctor who immediately cleansed me of sin and bloody discharge. It was beautiful. If my mother had been more like Hillary Clinton, she would have aborted me and sold the leftover pieces to Planned Parenthood, who would have barbecued my unborn limbs and fed them to Jews. That is not a future I want for whatever children I have someday if I have vaginal sex with someone.

But even though abortion is the most important issue in this and every election, there are other reasons to vote for Mr. Trump. He has personally promised me that he will bring back prayer in public schools. The last eight years have been a horrible secular time for public schools. Students are no longer allowed to pray to Jesus, and teachers are executed if they so much as make a plus sign look like a cross. Mr. Trump has created a system called “TrumPray” which will allow students to pray any time they wish in school, and the school will compensate Mr. Trump’s company on a per-prayer basis, which is more than fair to ensure the quality education our Christian youth deserve.

Also, relations between different races are at an all-time low. At least back in the days of slavery, one race was happy. Now neither race is happy. But Donald Trump knows what it takes to fix this problem. He has a plan to get everyone to be nice to each other, by building a large wall that will force us to talk to each other and work out our problems. There are those naysayers (sorry about my language) who think the wall is insulting to Mexicans, but I reached out to my former teammate Aaron Hernandez, and I haven’t heard anything back, so I guess the wall is just fine. I think Aaron is a great example how different races can work together, because we played football in college and I don’t think he was ever a problem. And we had black people on the team too!

I can’t pretend to know much about foreign policy, but Mr. Trump says we need to get rid of ISIS and that ISIS murders gay people. Well, in politics you have to make tough decisions, so I trust Mr. Trump’s judgment despite this conflicting information. His morals are beyond reproach, which is something he told me. He also assured me that he never had sex before any of his marriages, and I just have to be in awe of anyone who takes celibacy that seriously!

Finally, I want to remind everyone that we shouldn’t expect our candidate to be perfect. He may be incomplete in his policy ideas, he may have his words intercepted. He may even fumble sometimes, or have an ugly throwing motion, but doggone it, he deserves another chance to play quarterback in the National Football League! Thank you for your time, and God Bless The Middle And Southern Parts Of America!