Tebow At The Convention

Tim Tebow was rumored to be a featured speaker at the Republican National Convention this week in Cleveland. Alas, Tebow himself shot down the idea, telling reporters he never agreed to speak at the convention and was not supporting Donald Trump or any other presidential candidate. While that seemed to be the end of the story, Door Flies Open’s investigative journalists discovered that Tebow actually did intend to speak at the convention. Apparently, the pressure got to Tebow (big surprise) and he changed his mind last week. What follows is a draft of the speech Tim Tebow was to give at the convention.

Ladies and gentlemen, esteemed congressmen and senators, members of the press, and any scouts in attendance: My name is Tim Tebow, and I am honored to endorse Donald Trump for President of The United States of America! Mr. Trump is the only candidate available who can truly make America great again, and we need to make every effort to get him elected. I hope you’ll all join me in praying really hard and working out for the cause.

My support of Mr. Trump began when I was in the womb, and my mother decided not to abort me. It was a difficult decision for her, as my head is large, and she decided to give birth without any medication. If I had been her, pregnant with me, I’m not sure I would have had me, as my urethra would have been torn to shreds. Thankfully, she was brave and passed me like a kidney stone. And predicting my collegiate success, her pass was complete, into the hands of a Christian doctor who immediately cleansed me of sin and bloody discharge. It was beautiful. If my mother had been more like Hillary Clinton, she would have aborted me and sold the leftover pieces to Planned Parenthood, who would have barbecued my unborn limbs and fed them to Jews. That is not a future I want for whatever children I have someday if I have vaginal sex with someone.

But even though abortion is the most important issue in this and every election, there are other reasons to vote for Mr. Trump. He has personally promised me that he will bring back prayer in public schools. The last eight years have been a horrible secular time for public schools. Students are no longer allowed to pray to Jesus, and teachers are executed if they so much as make a plus sign look like a cross. Mr. Trump has created a system called “TrumPray” which will allow students to pray any time they wish in school, and the school will compensate Mr. Trump’s company on a per-prayer basis, which is more than fair to ensure the quality education our Christian youth deserve.

Also, relations between different races are at an all-time low. At least back in the days of slavery, one race was happy. Now neither race is happy. But Donald Trump knows what it takes to fix this problem. He has a plan to get everyone to be nice to each other, by building a large wall that will force us to talk to each other and work out our problems. There are those naysayers (sorry about my language) who think the wall is insulting to Mexicans, but I reached out to my former teammate Aaron Hernandez, and I haven’t heard anything back, so I guess the wall is just fine. I think Aaron is a great example how different races can work together, because we played football in college and I don’t think he was ever a problem. And we had black people on the team too!

I can’t pretend to know much about foreign policy, but Mr. Trump says we need to get rid of ISIS and that ISIS murders gay people. Well, in politics you have to make tough decisions, so I trust Mr. Trump’s judgment despite this conflicting information. His morals are beyond reproach, which is something he told me. He also assured me that he never had sex before any of his marriages, and I just have to be in awe of anyone who takes celibacy that seriously!

Finally, I want to remind everyone that we shouldn’t expect our candidate to be perfect. He may be incomplete in his policy ideas, he may have his words intercepted. He may even fumble sometimes, or have an ugly throwing motion, but doggone it, he deserves another chance to play quarterback in the National Football League! Thank you for your time, and God Bless The Middle And Southern Parts Of America!

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SonOfSpam
SonOfSpam is a mediocre ship captain and an even worse writer. He is allowed to contribute to this website in exchange for money and drugs. Please don't encourage him or make direct eye contact.
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Sill Bimmons

They do this at Boston College:

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BOSTON.

COLLEGE.

As long as this is the way it is there will never be any shortage of young dudes willing to risk one head for the other.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I can’t agree with the 5.1 or the 5.6. Those girls are WAY hotter than that. 8’s, at least.

Sill Bimmons

What a navel-gazer.

...

I presume the numbers are also jersey numbers and those markings are the equivalent of marking one’s territory.

/feels dumb not being sure.

Duchess

Paul Ryan does not know how to say the word Secretary.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Lay off, man, no need to go all nuculear on him.

Duchess

In what world do these people live that say the world hates Obama? Russia does… thats about it. Obamas approval ratings are better abroad than his 55% rating here in the US. Cnada cheered 4 more years at him.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I used to date a girl from Cnada.

But yes, you are so correct, maybe add North Korea to the haters list.

Hey it is part of the narrative and doesn’t need to be right it just needs to be repeated.

JustStopDude

THE GOP HAS A MUSLIM WOMAN GIVING THE INVOCATION?!?

...

This controversy of Melania Trump plargarizing Michelle Obama is pretty great for a number of reasons, but I think I’ve found my favorite.

Naturally, embarrassed conservative dimwits are reflexively falling back on their “BUT THE LIBERALS DO IT TOO” defense but they had to do extra work on this one. A dude on Gawker is posting a claim that Michelle Obama plagiarized a self-published book from 1992 that is so rare that you can’t even get on Amazon by a South African dude about business success because both used a handful of rather unremarkable phrases. I mean, that dude WORKED to find something and it stretches the bounds of credulity so far it’s giving folks a black eye when it snaps back into place.

I am trying to imagine being so partisan and so resistant to outside information modifying my existing beliefs that I would go that far to maintain my mental status quo. I’m actually impressed.

Duchess

Only because the Trump PR department did the heavy lifting… I meant Breitbart, same difference.

Sill Bimmons
...

I know I’m supposed to be appalled at all of this, but honesty… it’s fucking amazing to watch.

Sill Bimmons

I’d just like to give an All-Thread +1 to Moose for all these wonderful, wonderful Tebow .gifs.

This one’s for you:

http://cdn0.sbnation.com/imported_assets/1181420/vonmiller.gif

Sill Bimmons

Remember badges?

Yeah, badges were fun.

Were we ever so young?

FUCK YOU UPROXX HHHHNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

http://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/gx4tzxgz6vhrtpt67bvw.gif

...

The badges! I do miss those.

How innocent we were…

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Remember the Justified discussions? And how VJ Boyd would actually show up and drop tidbits? Good times.

Sill Bimmons

I never watched Justified. I probably should at some point.

My favorite non-KSK thing was documenting the atrocity that was Season 8 of Dexter.

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Sill Bimmons

Lifetime DGAF Achievement: Unlocked

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

No, but it certainly explains a lot.

...

THIS TIM TEBOW I CALL HIM A CRITICAL DOS ERROR BECAUSE HIS LIFE CAN BE SUMMED BY “ABORT, RETRY, CANCEL.”

...

*clears through, tries again*

THIS TIM TEBOW I CALL HIM A CRITICAL DOS ERROR BECAUSE HIS LIFE CAN BE SUMMED BY “ABORT, RETRY, FAIL.”

*smiles with satisfaction*

Sill Bimmons
Brick Meathook

Wait, what???

Sill Bimmons

Are you kidding?

You can’t fault that logic!

...

I’m also appreciating how the wrong version has gotten more likes. It seems Trump is on to something: just fuck up a bunch and you’ll get tons of attention!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

THIS GUY INANIMATE CARBON ROD MARINELLI I CALL HIM MELANIA TRUMP.

/I only looked this up cause I had shortlisted it for the banner and realized it seemed familiar.

Sill Bimmons

That’s some solid fake speechifying.

You know that leadership void we were discussing last night?

This becomes reality in 2028:

http://wp.production.patheos.com/blogs/dispatches/files/2012/01/tebowforpresident.jpg

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Stupid sexy Tebow.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

“Thank you Tim for that inspiring speech. You know, some people wonder why Tim is so against abortions when his passes often look like one, but I would never say that.”

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You mock but Tebow is definitely going to run for office and when he does he’ll be bigger than Heath Shuler!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

He’ll need Demaryius Thomas to do all his actual work.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Prolly good at blocking legislation.

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Unsurprised

Great. What am I supposed to do now with all of these foreskin promise rings?

Unsurprised

Oh, that’s your answer for everything.

Unsurprised

I’m rather sick of jerky foreskin.

Brick Meathook

SEW ALL THE FORESKINS TOGETHER INTO A WALLET

WHEN YOU RUB IT, IT BECOMES A SUITCASE

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That is banner material.

Brick Meathook

Nah, Moose, that’s a 5000 year-old Hebrew joke that I’ve been waiting 35 years to tell. Not bad for an Irish-Catholic boy.

JerBear50

Calamari?

King Hippo

I have NEVAR been less happy for a Donks playoff win. Fortunately, the Great Equine One saw it for what it really was. HAIL ELWAY!!!!

Brick Meathook

That was one hell of a play. My brother-in-law (who is awesome) went to the bathroom at the beginning of OT; when he came back a minute later it was all over. I’ll never forget that afternoon.

Say what you will about Tebow, but THAT was an awesome play.

King Hippo

Demariyus justified why I almost hit the ceiling in joy when the Donks drafted him. Still can’t believe they tried that kind of coverage on a beast like DT.

And if Teebs only has to make ONE READ and a simple throw (hell, I could make that one), he’s ok.

Pittsburgh’s gameplan was completely incomprehensible. The last 2 regular season opponents clearly showed how to beat him. In the last regular season home game, Denver scored 3 points.

ballsofsteelandfury

Hey, it only took three years for us to get rid of LeBeau for that one!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

*Say what you will about Tebow, but THAT was an awesome play by Demaryius Thomas.

Brick Meathook

Yes, but Tebow didn’t fuck it up

WINNAR!!!!!!!!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Ten yard pass to someone WIDE open; SWEET JESUS!

jjfozz

Oh boy do I remember that night.

In between slurping down beer, texting Steelers fans, and screaming myself horse (get it?), I finished up by guzzling the tears of Steelers fans and spreading that thick, luscious Steeler schadenfreude on top of my crabcakes.

So, so delicious.

blaxabbath

Crabcakes sound good.

Sill Bimmons

I remember thinking “Why is there no deep safety? Or any safety at all?”

“Nine In The Box, Too Few In The Back: The Story Of A Clusterfuck” by Dick LeBeau and/or Sophie Dee

http://farm8.static.flickr.com/7095/7188214575_a7782b4059.jpg

laserguru

Make America hesitate again.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Usually when the pressure gets to Tebow all that we’re left with is a duck.