main image via  

Interior: Coach Zimmer’s home near the Great Northern Minnesota woods

“Good morning, Maria! Well, I guess it’s about that time again. Training camp starts tomorrow.”

Maria: “I sure hope you have a great year coach. Will you be camping out tonight since it’s the last night before your season starts?”

CZ: “I sure am. You know it’s become somewhat of a tradition. really helps me clear my mind and get ready for the season.”

Maria: “So you’ll be leaving for camp tomorrow and will be gone until the season ends, yes?”

CZ: “Yep, I’ll come home tomorrow to wash up, pack my gear and I’m off until the season’s over. You know a coach’s job never stops during the season.”

Maria: “Try not to work too hard Coach but knowing you…”

CZ: “I know, and you’re right but that’s why they pay me the big bucks. [laughs].

Maria: “I guess I’ll be taking Beansie with me today. We’ll come home in a couple of days after you’ve gone to training camp.”

CZ: “Beansie old buddy!”

Beansie: “EEEEEKK!”

CZ: “I’m sure gonna miss you big guy. Man, didn’t we have a blast in Jamaica?”

Beansie: “Eeeek Eeek!”

CZ: “Don’t you worry pal, we’ll be heading right back just as soon as this season is over. I love you and all little guy but honestly? I’m hoping we go in February this time if you get what I’m saying?”

Beansie: “Eeek EEEEEK eek!”

CZ: “Damn right Beansie. Super Bowl or bust this year! Maria, here’s a check for six month’s salary. I really appreciate you taking care of Beansie and watching my place during the season.”

Maria: “No, thank YOU Coach. You treat me very well. Beansie is such a good little boy, he’s really no trouble at all.”

CZ: “OK then guys, I’m going to get my camping gear and get one last night of relaxing in. See you when the season is over!”

Coach Zimmer heads to his room where he puts on some heavy hiking boots, some cargo shorts and a polo then he grabs his backpack, a small hatchet and a belt with a large Bowie knife attached. He also takes a bottle of water and a bottle of grain alcohol. Once changed he heads out the door and starts walking towards the woods. As he walks through the neighborhood he sees his neighbor Art.

CZ: “Hey Art? How’s it going?”

Art: “Going good Coach. Are you all ready for the upcoming season?”

CZ: “Almost, I’ve got one last night of adjustment then I think I’ll be ready. Oh, and Art? It looks like your dog might have pooped on my lawn yesterday.”

Art {with a look of absolute terror on his face} “Oh God, Coach! I am so so sorry! I promise it will never happen again I SWEAR TO GOD!”

CZ: Relax, Art! I’m sure it was just an accident. Well, got to get going. Take care!”

Art [breathes huge sigh of relief] “You too Coach. Good luck this season.” [petrified Art runs into his garage to get a plastic bag and a shovel].

Coach continues walking down the sidewalk towards the woods, when he’s suddenly almost run over by a couple of teens on skateboards.

CZ: “Geez, be careful kids! You don’t want to fall and get hurt! You have your whole lives to look forward to.” The two kids both give Coach a middle finger while skating away down the sidewalk. “Geez. Oh well, I’m sure it’s just a phase they’re going through.” Coach then leaves his neighborhood and approaches the woods.

Entering the great woods Coach Zimmer opens the bottle of grain alcohol and takes a deep slug. From memory Coach begins reciting from Sun Tzu’s The Art of War.

“Let your plans be dark and impenetrable as night, and when you move, fall like a thunderbolt.”

“When the enemy is relaxed, make them toil. When full, starve them. When settled make them move.”

A mosquito lands on his arm. “Goddammit! I hate mosquitoes!”

He swats the mosquito on his arm creating a small blood stain. Then he takes another drink of the grain alcohol. He continues speaking out loud.

“So in war, the way is to avoid what is strong, and strike at what is weak.”

“What the ancients called a clever fighter is one who not only wins, but excels in winning with ease.”

As he continues walking through the woods, he hears an ominous rattle.

Stepping forward, Coach puts one of his boots directly behind the head of the snake. Taking his Bowie knife, with one swipe he cuts the snakes head off. “Sneaky motherfucker! Look at you now! Try sneaking up on me now you fucking asshole.” He then places the body of the snake in his pack. He continues walking along.

“Thus the expert in battle moves the enemy, and is not moved by him.”

“Rouse him, and learn the principle of his activity or inactivity. Force him to reveal himself, so as to find out his vulnerable spots.”

The trees begin closing in, the canopy of foliage is darkening the forest when suddenly a crashing sound is heard as a large dark object closes in on Coach.

Bear: “RRRAAAAWWWRRRRRRRRR!!!”

CZ: [pulling his knife} “RRRRRRAAAAWWWWWRRRR THIS YOU SMELLY MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!”

CZ: “Ah shit, man. Sorry about that “smelly motherfucker thing” but goddamn you smell like a port-a-potty at on Ozzfest concert.”

[bear slinks away with it’s head down}

“In the midst of chaos, there is also opportunity”

“Thus we may know that there are five essentials for victory:
1 He will win who knows when to fight and when not to fight.
2 He will win who knows how to handle both superior and inferior forces.
3 He will win whose army is animated by the same spirit throughout all its ranks.
4 He will win who, prepared himself, waits to take the enemy unprepared.
5 He will win who has military capacity and is not interfered with by the sovereign.”

Coach then takes another long pull from the grain alcohol and begins searching for a spot to set up camp for the night. Suddenly he hears a strange snarling sound coming from the bushes.

CZ: “Holy good goddamn look at that vicious motherfucker!”

Wolverine: “snarlchompgrowl snarl snarl!!”

CZ: “Holy shit this guy is a fucking badass! I don’t think I’ve ever seen a wolverine in the wild before.”

Wolverine: “Growlsnarlsnarlrawwwsnarl!”

CZ: “Hey guy! What do you say we have a little shot to relax you up a bit.”

Coach pours a small amount of grain alcohol on the rock where the snarling beast is standing.

The wolverine drinks.

Wolverine: “Woof?”

Coach and the wolverine spend the next few hours drinking while coach continues reciting The Art of War.

CZ: “You know what? I’m taking you home. You and Beansie will get along great and he needs a little play buddy. I’m also thinking about taking you to training camp. You can be our unofficial mascot. You’re going to need a kickass fucking name to match your ferocity though. I think I’ll call you Mister Winkles!”

Wolverine “?”

———————

Dawn breaks.

Coach packs up his gear, picks up Mister Winkles and starts heading home. Upon exiting the woods and walking towards his house he notices that his front yard has been freshly mowed and watered. Glancing next door he notices his neighbor Art cautiously peering out of the corner of a window. Art gives the smallest of waves. Coach notices that his front lawn is manicured perfectly and there is no sign of dog poo. He turns to look at Art and gives a slight nod.

Approaching his house he spots the two teenagers who almost ran over him the previous day. He walks directly up to them while carrying his pet wolverine. Reaching into his pack he removes the headless rattlesnake and tears a bite out of the raw flesh. The kids suddenly turn and sprint away leaving their skateboards behind.

CZ: “If either one of you miserable motherfuckers ever flips me off again I will have this wolverine chew your goddamn balls off, you miserable fucking shitheads! We’ll just tell your mothers it’s a retroactive abortion you little cocksuckers!” The kids run away screaming like little girls.

Glancing at his new pet, Coach Zimmer reaches into his pocket and takes out his car keys. He puts the wolverine inside the car and gets behind the wheel.

CZ: “Training camp starts today so it’s off to Mankato. Ready Mister Winkles?’

The wolverine nods excitedly.

CZ: “Let’s do this motherfucking thing.”

/cranks stereo.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XZ4UErc8s7g

CZ: “Lets go to camp Mister Winkles!”

*All quotes in italics are from The Art of War by Sun Tzu.