Your “THANK MERCIFUL HEAVENS!” Thursday Open Thread

NFL News You Can Use:

  • The Jets and Ryan Fitzpatrick compromised on a one-year, $12 million deal. FINALLY, the Jets problems are solved.
    • fivethirtyeight.com gave Fitzy’s numbers a value for dollar breakdown and found him to be the best the Jets have had since roughly Ken O’Brien. I’m kinda between sad and hilarious on this one.
  • After he emerged from the woods, Mike Zimmer and the Vikings agreed to a contract extension.
    • Terms weren’t announced, but if the Seahawks are willing to keep Pete Carroll through 2019, then ol’ Zim should be guaranteed until at least 2018.
  • Jimmy Garappolo is apparently “very excited” about his chance to start the season under center instead of holding a clipboard like other seasons.
    • He’s told his mom, his grandparents, and his girlfriend, who – if he’s following the Brady model – will soon be dumped for whatever Brazilian supermodel he hopes Gisele throws his way after Week 5.
  • The Cowboys had 4 of the top-5 player sales rankings during the offseason, according to the NFLPA and in stats compiled by ESPN. Meanwhile, garage sales in Dallas continue to be popular.
  • Fresh off the news that the Cowboys are being fined for having multiple players on the suspended list comes news the Steelers are one infraction shy of getting ginger-hammered themselves.
  • Today’s notable PUP list additions:
    • Muhammad Wilkerson (Jets)
    • Lorenzo Taliaferro (Ravens)
    • Josh Doctson & Derek Carrier (Redacteds)

Pick your poison – “The Cowboys will be good this season”; or “Why Your Team Sucks” – Dallas edition.

Finally, the powers that be have decided that, after 2016, the College playoff will be played either on New Year’s Day or the Saturday before January 1. That should solve the 40% ratings drop, as long as the games promise to be good. Here’s some free advice – NO FUCKING NOTRE DAME!


Can somebody explain to me how Julian Edelman got in the middle of this?

That’s Ella Rose (not pregnant at that time) on the left and Adriana Lima on the right. If you told me this was Gronk’s problem, I’d believe that. But it appears Little J is following Tommy’s pattern of dumping the one carrying a baby and settling for a Brazilian.

I guess I owe young Jimmy G an apology – he DOES have the right to expect some new tail. It’s the Patriot Way!


Well, tonight’s the night that kicks off the next three months of official campaigning for the November elections. I’m really hoping tonight’s speech builds on the momentum from last night, which was a series of escalating soliloquies aiming for the climax which will be Hillary’s speech. Everyone knows there’s only two ways to go:

  1. Nagging grandparent; or
  2. Newfound visionary.

At 69, she wants to be the latter; the worry is that the former will overtake it. She doesn’t have Bill or Barack’s gift of the gab, so if she aims for merely cromulent, it will be considered a victory. It’s her election to lose and, gosh darn it, she’s gonna try.


Tonight’s sports:

  • MLS: MLS All-Stars vs Arsenal – 8:00 (ESPN)
  • CFL: Winnipeg @ Edmonton – 9:00 – (ESPN2)

I don’t know about you, but BC gets a three-day weekend starting the minute I get off work tomorrow and going through Monday.

Hit it Mike Reno!

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Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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jjfozz

Trump’s goldfish
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King Hippo

PLEAZ don’t be 75 minutes of verbal masturbation.

/woohoo low bar to clear!!

SonOfSpam

Yeah. Literal, not verbal. FOR 75 MINUTES.

King Hippo

yeah. Hopefully nobody here is THAT strung out!!

SonOfSpam

No, I meant I want HillDawg to do the five knuckle shuffle for 75 minutes. Then squirt during the closing “and God Bless America!”

I assume everyone wants that.

Spur

“Give me attention for doing this thing I did for no attention.”

Spur

Look at her face. LOOK AT IT!

Don T

“Look at her. Look at her”.
Is Paul McGwire narrating? IM WATCHING. Fuck!

jjfozz

This guy had a lot of influence on my sense of humor
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SonOfSpam

You just wanted to fuck Janet Jackson.

Not judging.

King Hippo

Ms. Jackson if you nasty.

SonOfSpam

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jjfozz
Brick Meathook

DY-NO-MITE

Brick Meathook

JESUS CHRIST THIS IS MAKING ME HATE HER AGAIN

JUST GIVE YOUR ACCEPTANCE SPEECH

WHO’S THE HACK WHO DIRECTED THIS?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Flint IronStag

Brick Meathook

I like that one

Gratliff

I like Hillary so much more when I don’t consider the last 16 years. It’s a shame how nothing ever stays good.

jjfozz

I wish these guys would show up at the DNC
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Spur

Why do they keep pretending Hillary’s laugh isn’t a horrid cackle?

King Hippo

Cut back to Obama as much as possible. The Obama hug is the picture they want imprinted on America’s brain. That was awesome.

SonOfSpam

Really was uncomfortable with him hugging her. I assume he knew which drinking fountain to use backstage, but he still seems kinda uppity.

Unsurprised
jjfozz

So yeah
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King Hippo

This speech needs wrapping up. She’s…just kind of off-putting.

King Hippo

But hey…HillyBob WILL be an improvement at least, amirite??

SonOfSpam

Hey, as a dad, I’m kinda identifying with Bill (not as horny sorry), and how proud he must be. So I can’t get mad at this, or even be too snarky/cynical. I think Chelsea is more “normal” than many in the political world, and I’m a little touched by the whole thing.

And yes, I’ve been drinking, why do you ask?

King Hippo

yeah, and he’s really lucky he still gets to have the second chance/moment of redemption and to have the opportunity to be a supportive, proud family member like this. And I don’t begrudge him for it, I believe he loves his family very much (he’s just a sex addict).

SonOfSpam

Yes on both counts. He’s a bad/terrible husband, but I believe he truly loves them both.

I’m like that, without the charisma, money, or strange.

Spur

Public service is also about the $300,000 per year that you make at the Clinton Foundation.

Brick Meathook

OK the treacle is getting a little thick now….

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Crud BoneMeal

Spur

MSNBC just flashed to a stunner.
Resembled Penelope Cruz

Spur

Chelsea sounds like she is speaking at Hillary’s funeral.

jjfozz

Always had a thing for the blonde
http://www.70slivekidvid.com/electra/electra2.jpg

Spur

She’s no Ivanka.

jjfozz

Confession time.

I was driving my kids to baseball camp today and the road was lined with pro life protesters, who had signs of aborted babies every 10 feet. My kids are 12 and 8, I don’t shield them from much, but this was a conversation that i want to have later with them in life.

I don’t deny a person’s right to believe in what they want to believe. I don’t want it shoved in my face.

So when I drove back, I rolled my window down and gave them all the bird, while yelling “Fuck You” and “You are despicable.”

Fucking bunch of cunts.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Fozz, you did the right thing.

You probably don’t hear that very often.

jjfozz

I was out of control angry. I wanted to stop on the shoulder and confront them. But, at 47 an assault and battery charge isn’t going to help anyone.

Unsurprised

The DFO Legal Dream Team would’ve gone to bat for you, I’m sure.

Porky Prime

“Illinois Nazis.”

Unsurprised

You did the right thing.

A lesser man would’ve run them down like the rabid animals they are.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Solid parenting right there. Sorry your kids had to deal with it on the way there.

Gratliff

Ah, you gave them the ol’ Sylvester.

Gratliff

Shit, Daffy. I give up.

Spur

Yay for Katy Titty. My official offer letter was just emailed to me. I’ll need to read this shit real quick.

Brocky

Man, without even thinking about the current candidates, I’m gonna be so sad to see obama go:

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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I again mocked church earlier. I feel I should clarify because I worry I come off as just hating religion. My best friend growing up was a paid youth minister at 12 and grew up to be a pastor. I constantly talked shit about religion with him but the thing he hates most about me to this day is we skipped school to buy FFX on it’s release day and I got to the part where it was revealed that Sin is Jehct before him and I spoiled that for him.

Brocky

and moments like these are what friendship are all about.

and not to speak for your friend, but is it possible that your criticism was mostly steered towards organized religion?

I say that because I too have friends that have grown up to be a pastor, and he cites the legitimate criticism towards churches as what got him involved into gaining a deeper understanding of spirituality overall. just curiosity..

Gratliff

It’s just not the same without Voltron’s left leg

Spur

Katy, don’t do that
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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Is it just my feed or is the sound fucked for everyone else for Katy Perry’s performance?

Spur

You have the sound on?

Unsurprised

Sound?

King Hippo

this is by far the most clothing she has EVAR worn. I’m still pretty aroused.

jjfozz

Okay, this has dispelled some of my hate. And a beaker full of bourbon.
http://www.comicbookresources.com/imgsrv/social_post/0/0/1/FB-sgt-rock_1.jpg

Gratliff

It’s almost like she didn’t want to have a live mic near her during a song

Spur

That poor intern just took a microphone to the balls

Spur
King Hippo

Katy Perry! Memories of Left Shark!!

Spur

Now it’s Left of Center Shark.

Gratliff

I’m sad that I didn’t think of this

jjfozz

If this gives you a boner, then you’re a serial killer. And you should die.
http://41.media.tumblr.com/3500d5c67332b859c014fdd8c2f094df/tumblr_muspmxYcND1qmwtm0o1_1280.jpg

King Hippo

girls, girls, GIRLS!!!

Gratliff

I really hope this is some avant garde shit

Spur

What about Clinton’s wall street speech transcripts, dude???

Spur

Where the hell is Katy Perry? We’re waiting…with our pants off.

jjfozz

Wait, you had your pants ON at some point tonight?

Unsurprised

I would bet money the proprietor has used the term “white genocide” unironically.
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Gratliff

Whoops. Gave away the game with the hands question.

jjfozz
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

This was my ringtone on my cell phone for too long

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ria37d9mInY

Gratliff

/ Opens facebook
“BRADLEY COOPER ISN’T REALLY AN AMERICAN WAR HERO BECAUSE DNC”
/ Closes facebook

Unsurprised

As opposed to because he’s just an actor who played a psycho killer who just happened to be working for us.

Gratliff

There is a large swath of people who are legitimately offended that he is a Democrat. Hopefully, no one tells them about Stephen Colbert or Jack Donaghy.

Unsurprised

Those people can get fucked

Unsurprised

Parties that can’t even get a mayor elected running presidential candidates is so fucking stupid.

rockingdog

Make politics boring again.

jjfozz

My sons are watching Big Brother, and I might have just been swayed in the whole right to own an assault rifle issue.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Can we vote via Snapchat?”

– stupid Millennials

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I have to vote at a church instead of one of the 30 public buildings in my voting district. Snapchat would be an uprgrade in not trying to get certain people not to vote