Somewhere in China, an orphaned baby girl is smiling for no reason that she can determine. No, it’s not because “Mr. and Mrs. Smith” were able to finally come up with the extra $500 “processing and fondling fee” on top of the $99.99 sale price. She’s smiling because after what seems like an interminable amount of time football is on again and the universe has once again achieved balance. Some kids can just feel this sort of thing in their unwanted bones. Shall we take a look at tonight’s offerings? Oh, and best of luck, Addison Zoe Brooklyn Smith-you’re one of the lucky ones.
Philly/Pit-The Steelers are a not-whelming 2-12 in their last 14 preseason games. [Landry Jones shakes his fist at the heavens and yells, “GIVE ME SOMETHING TO WORK WITH, DAMMIT!] The Eagles traded for Dorial Green-Beckham-the Missouri, Oklahoma and Titans fella who is all kinds of “raw” (code for ‘when he actually runs the right route he usually drops the pass’) but has the kind of body that makes talent evaluators the league over go ga-ga. Rb Matthews will be down and out at some point so you smarter-than-the-average-bear fantasy players should be checking out Wendell Smallwood. I nominate this game as the most boring of the evening.
Cincy/Det-Last week’s Steelers killers-the Lions-now set their sights on the Bengals. Did you know that Detroit has won 4 of their last 5 games going back to the end of last year’s regular season? How is this relevant? It isn’t. Head Lampshade Caldwell was absolutely effusive when talking about 3rd string qb Jake Rudock and his 8 of 11 completion %. “He’s got a long way to go” said the only coach in the NFL with a sponsorship deal from GE Lighting. Rook wr Tyler Boyd burned a nobody for a 40 yd. grab last week in a one point loss to the Vikes. Huzzah! The Red Rifle has someone else to pass to other than A.J. Green!
Atl/Cle-I kinda feel sorry for unsigned Roddy White but it was fairly obvious that he had lost at least one or maybe 39 steps last year [checks off “Alfred Hitchcock-centric sports reference” from bucket list]. Aldrick Robinson is looking to lock down the 4th wr spot for the Falcons after torching his old team-the Redacteds-for 118 yds. last week. This is life on the bubble for a shit ton of players that you’d never hear about unless you write preseason game intros for a not-living. Speaking of which, where in the world is Dwight Freeney? He’s whoring for Atlanta this year. On the other side of the ball, soon-to-be-fired Hue Jackson is excited about his new but really slightly re-cycled trio of wr’s. Josh Gordon, Tyrell Pryor and Corey Coleman are expected to remind Browns fans of the halcyon days of the likes of Dante “Gluefingers” Lavelli and…others. I’m going out on a limb and wager that after a 2 year suspension, Gordon’s lower limbs are as fresh as this morning’s bagels.
Chi/NE-Unlike Gronk, the Bears didn’t score at all last week. It was against the Broncs but that hasn’t stopped some from hand-wringing. Look Bears fans, you’re gonna be just fine with rb Matt Forte piling up the yards like he always does. I’ve no doubt that…what?…Forte has moved on? Jeremy Langford is at the controls now? Whooo boy! If you were thinking about getting a look at Brady tonight, he’s scheduled for “little or no snaps”. You will get an eyeful of Chris Hogan, a recent signee/Bills escapee and soon to be severely-concussed wr. The Pats were no doubt seduced by his league-leading 8.5% dropped passes. HOPE YOU LIKE THREE YARD SLANTS, CHRIS!
Oak/GB-Khalil Mack’s nickname is “Jihad”? Khalil Mack “The Knife” is the better way to go. [checks off Bertholt Brecht-centric sports reference from bucket list] The Raiders slow creep to football relevance continues afresh this evening. This team is doing its best to engender closeness-so much so that Derek Carr and Amari Cooper were forced to sleep together at camp! I’m surprised this isn’t bigger news. Stupid liberal media. On the field, most of the action at qb will be seen by Cook Matt Connor McGloin. UNDERDOG WHITE WR FROM SMALL COLLEGE MAKING AN IMPACT AT TRAINING CAMP ALERT! Jared Abbredis (last name rhymes with ‘cadabra’) is showing all those ‘big city’ receivers types how things are done down in the cornfields from wherever he’s from. You can catch him playing later on in the game-after he’s let the cows in. That wasn’t an Eddie Lacey joke, by the way.
Min/Sea-For some reason all I can think about is watching “Mind of Min/Sea.” It wasn’t a very good show. This doesn’t give any credit to a game that should be good for one, two, maybe even three quarters. Much like all of last year, Jimmy Graham won’t see any footballs tonight. Serves you right, Notre Dame grad. [uses deepest voice] You’ll never find…Rawls on the field either. Head WTC 7 Case Carroll always does things a wee bit differently. He was given a basketball player and he’s trying to convert him to…left tackle?… Good Luck, George Fant of the Western Kentucky Hilltoppers, may your hopes and beams never melt!
[wipes hands on shirt] Okay, that’s over and done. Let’s all sit back and relax in our liqour cabinets, shall we?
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Bam Bam was my favorite for a short period of time. Bonus points for having a cartwheel attack in Wrestlemania for NES.
A not flattering pic of Kelley O’Hara. I don’t care. I am gonna get you all to love her as much as I do even if you resist
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Sold. No resisting necessary.
Ember Moon is going to be so good in NXT.
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Callahan wishing he stayed at the plant selling brake pads.
The local Bears broadcast just got a nice shot of Cutler standing next to Gould.
It was nice.
I want that as my wallpaper. I hope it pops up on reddit or someplace
Shame he didn’t drown:
http://www.alternet.org/news-amp-politics/pastor-who-believes-gods-punishes-gays-their-sins-gets-punished-his
Not saying all homophobes are really deeply in denial closet cases, but God was probably trying to tell him something.
Look at Hoyer, Garoppolo. This is your future. New England makes everyone look good, they you’re shipped out to mediocrity for a 2nd round pick. Or, as its also known as; getting Cassell’d
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Ohhh, that’s what Trump was talking about
And to think…..
There’s people out there who want Hoyer to start over Cutler
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Oh yes. They’re the football-fan version of the people who prefer someone who’s nice to them but completely unqualified to someone who is qualified but not nice enough to them.
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I miss Drunk Bernie Kosar from Browns preseason coverage.
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The great thing about Bears fans is that Hoyer is just good enough that the Culter-loathing segment of fans will be pining for him to be put into the game because he’s Not Jay Cutler in spite of evidence he’s pretty much shit.
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The one good thing about living in WI instead of Chicago is I get to hate on all the idiot Bears fans from a distance
Apparently, we’re trying to end careers too.
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Holy fuck, Khalil Mack against the Cheesehead OL…
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I think that poor rookie fucker at left tackle would take his chances with THIS fucking guy instead.
Dear jesus fuck, Frequency the show?
The movie wasnt even that great.
Nothing like resurrecting a 20 year-old movie no one remembers as a brand-new TV show!
Why is network TV dying again…?
Welcome to Hoyer Country! Nope. Not staying. Just connecting to the other team.
That’s so Factory.
Green Bay has a Whitehead too! Multiplying across teh league…
#WhiteheadGenocide
Ours has yet to pop.
I missed this earlier.
http://profootballtalk.nbcsports.com/2016/08/18/lawyer-tells-roger-goodell-david-baker-to-preserve-their-cell-phones/
OK, seriously. That scroll-over zoom thing with the banner images?
That giant baby head coming at me is sorta freaking me out a bit.
Artist’s Rendering:
http://media3.giphy.com/media/UOAVMYGZw2jg4/giphy.gif
So Chase Daniels should be starting, with Bradford and Wentz competing to see who gets coffee for the team before they do film review.
You sir. Are correct. However Bradford would walk into walls getting coffee.
The Black Unicorn continues to impale his former team
I’ve said it once and I will say it again – RedZone channel is the best thing humanity has ever accomplished. Even the pre-season version just eats the Olympics for breakfast and shits all over the rest of August – no ofence, Rio.
Must be a lot of Red Zone in the water there.
Yeah but you also said that about opiates, so I don’t know what to believe.
It can be TWO things!!
/was also probably high at the time
//yes, I took two vicuprofen post-migraine nap, why do you ask??
There is preseason redzone? I should be watching that
And it’s FREE to get the youngsters hooked! Because the NFL loves you and has only your best interests at heart.
I live in a house that had cable hooked up in zero rooms before we moved in that was built in the 90’s. I use a wireless repeater box to get cable up here that is always disconnected because my dad watches softcore porn at night. It is just easier to steal it
Kevin Can Wait, eh?
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“Blart was here”
[Eagles score again]
“Eh, I’ll teach them how to tackle before the regular season.”
-Tomlin
:large
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LAoZDKlbzTc
Goddamn, love this man
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Beasr just got a FF and a recovery. Still not caring about the game. Why do I love this sport so much? Anyways boobs
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I am calling it now – the OAK/DEN division winner (and it WILL be a blood-soaked battle to make the 70s proud) wins super bowl LI.
And goddamn that is GOOD INTRO HUSTLE, scotchy.
Sorry I am late, 3 hour migraine nap, fuck you barometric pressure.
I don’t care what anyone says… Nightmare on Elm Street 2 is a goddamn masterpiece.
But three had Dokken. DREAM WARRIORS!!!
It’s totally true–from Three on, they were all good Elm Street movies. But Two… two is both a parody and a gay subversion of the original Elm Street movie. Just awesome in that regard–the story of how it got made and how the directors worked in so much subtext and mockery. Superb.
Nightmare 2 is fuckin’ weird, man. The exploding bird, the creepy coach…just kind of a messed-up movie.
Naturally, I agree with you.
The opening scene with the bus driver scared the shit out of me as a kid.
Very good direction for that series to go.
“PAPA JOHNS IS THE OFFICIAL PIZZA OF MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL!!!”
-recent headline from The Aorta-Stabbing Tribune
I trained my dog really well. I just let him out when I went for a cig. He completely ignored me when I repeatedly called for him to pet him while I smoked. 100% ignored me and only eventually came over when he felt like it. Good pup.
The Bears going for two shows that John Fox is willing to take risks when exactly nothing is on the line.
He has to do that in the preseason so when he punts on third down during the regular season nobody will say anything
I like Magary’s description of John Fox: The coach you hire when you want to be good but not that good.
So a woman who has hyper-androgeny just ran the 800m from S. Africa. She was cleared in a court to run, yet in watching, she is just built very differently and it will become a bigger issue when she wins gold.
The mustache and motorcycle parade said she should be proud of herself.
This has been an ongoing story since about 2008 and no one has any idea what to do about it:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Caster_Semenya
Yeah, watching that race I just didn’t know what to think. Her running style is noticeably different from the others. I wouldn’t know what to do as she will for sure win the final. The announcer stated she had to stop taking testosterone suppressants so that gifted her a gold medal i reckon.
Holy shit! A Bears running back scored!
and one had a touchdown!
Langford looks all-pro against the Pats second team.
My love for George Romero just went up about a billion percent.
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George Romero??? Did he bring Tom Savini?
I missed the fourth interception. Is Brad Gradkowski nursing the same injury from last season because fuck Landry Jones.
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It’s new injury!
Nope. It’s the crepe paper in his HAMSPOT
Last year it was the crepe paper in his FINGERSPOT
First should’ve been picked of the night from Jay!
I don’t know if anyone paid attention to the comments section of the Colts WYTS, but there was a guy fervently defending the city of Indianapolis as not being shitty and that–get this–the Indy beer scene is better than Denver’s. He said he just couldn’t deal with people shit talking a shitty city.
Strangely, all of those posts vanished when I checked about an hour later since the dude probably realized what a lunatic he sounded like.
Or maybe…
…it was all in your head
The return of Monkey Business?
Or Derick from Muncie?
Sounds like indy.
I swear sometimes indy fans are worse than green bay. They have all of the holier than thou mindset with none of the fan support, or a fraction of the historical significance
Langford can breakz tackle?
FLAG
Does anyone have any fucking snacks? I could use some fucking snacks about now.
I was posting in the other open thread alone. Hello everyone. I’ll sum up my posts. weed is great, the Bears game sucks, boobs.
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welp
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Who’s watching the Bears-Pats? I can catch the next 20 minutes before I have to go to dinner. Woooo!
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It’s basically background noise for me.
Ha, I’m doing the opposite. I have the stream on mute while the ladyfriend takes a work call.
I AM!!
ITS EXACTLY AS YOU D EXPECTED!
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Zach Ertz!
Zach Ertz who?
I just shaved my balls, so my Zach Ertz!
It really feels like it should be a funnier name than it is