Hard Ride To Nowhere (Chapter 44)

The scene: Somewhere in the Midwest. Future Moose is driving his new car…which isn’t really new. In fact, it’s kind of old. And a bit leaky. It might creak a little bit when it brakes. And the exhaust fumes when it accelerates might just be a global warming tipping point. Ballsofsteelandfury is riding shotgun, while Low Commander of the Super Soldiers, Marc Trestmans Windowless Van and Old School Zero are in the back seat.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van (passing a luminescent bong to Low Commander): Like, I’m telling you, man… the whole thing is a fever-dream, man.

Low Commander (inhaling deeply): All of the movies?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Oh, for sure, man. Like, when that sandperson guy hits Luke he goes into a coma, man. And from then on it’s all, like, in his head.

OSZ (taking the bong): Wait, so what about Leia? She was in the movie before he was.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Oh, she’s real, man. A space princess or whatever. She’s probably in the space news all the time, man, like a Kardashian or whatever. But, like, Luke never meets her or saves her, man.

Low Commander: But if he’s dreaming it, then why does she turn out to be his sister after he kisses her?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Just think about it, man. Like, he’s on this backwater world, and his uncle’s making, like, moonshine or whatever. Luke’s just a hillbilly, man.

OSZ (holding in the smoke): And probably a virgin…?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van (accepting the bong): Oh, totally, man. He’s pretty hard up. Like, even in his dream, there’s barely any chicks on the planet, man.

OSZ: So is Han Solo real?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Oh, yeah, man. Like, he’s probably the cool guy that hangs around the space port and macks on those alien chicks, man. I figure he, like, helped Luke fix his landspeeder one time or something.

Low Commander (nodding): Those are prone to breaking down.

Ballsofsteelandfury (from the front seat): So what about Kenobi?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van (passing the bong forward to Ballsofsteelandfury): Like the uncle said, man, just a crazy old hermit. It’s only in Luke’s fantasy that he’s, like, a knight, man. He probably lives out in his shack, selling space-weed to Jawas.

Ballsofsteelandfury (inhaling): Jawas get baked?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: All the time, man! I mean, they’ve got that big RV, man. They probably get blazed and then they’re all, like, “Whoooo, dude! Let’s take this thing off-road!”

OSZ (finally exhaling): What about Leia’s message, though? Luke sees that before he gets his brains scambled by the Tusken Raider.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Oh, sure, man. That’s real. But it’s, like, code, man. Old Ben is Leia’s dealer, man. Obi-Wan is probably code for space-weed. And all that “you were a Jedi with my father” stuff is, like, “Hey, old man, you better have my shipment ready or big daddy’s gonna drop on you like a rock.”

OSZ: So the beginning with the Star Destroyer and the space battle…?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: That’s just The Man coming down on dealers and couriers, man. Vader is, like, a Fed, man.

Future Moose (to Ballsofsteelandfury): Bong me.

Ballsofsteelandfury: You’re driving!

Future Moose: I’m an android! I have nuclear launch codes in my head and in the future I pretty much control the world…

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers starts coughing from the back seat.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van (slapping Low Commander on the back): Whoa! Like, go easy on this stuff, dude. You’ve got to work up a tolerance.

Future Moose (glaring at Low Commander in the rear view mirror): What?

Low Commander (innocently): What? Me? I wasn’t going to say anything…

Future Moose (frowning): Look, so the missus and I have had a few…issues…lately. I’m still the future emperor, right?

Low Commander (uncomfortable): Well…not exactly…

Ballsofsteelandfury (holding up the bong for Future Moose): Uh-oh…

Future Moose (taking a yuuuge bong hit and holding it in): What do you mean…not exactly?

Low Commander (trying to look anywhere but at Future Moose): Well, the Empress sort of had you…deposed…?

Future Moose (smoke literally coming out of his ears): What? She can’t do that! She doesn’t have the authority!

Ballsofsteelandfury (giggling and shooting finger guns): Respect my au-thori-tay.

Future Moose (glaring at Ballsofsteelandfury): That’s not funny.

OSZ (mumbling form the back seat): It kind of is.

Low Commander (gulping): You were gone, o Mighty and Beneficent Leader. There were decisions to be made…executions to…well, execute…

Ballsofsteelandfury (shocked): You execute people?

Future Moose (irritated): Only bad ones. Look, how did she depose me? That takes an imperial order and, let’s face it, I’m the emperor.

Ballsofsteelandfury (shooting finger guns): Not anymore, amirite?

Future Moose (glaring at Ballsofsteelandfury): When I go back to the future, I am so outlawing finger guns.

Ballsofsteelandfury (shocked): Uncool!

OSZ (giggling from the back seat after another bong hit): Aw, he won’t be able to outlaw anything…unles he asks his wife first!

The back seat erupts into more giggles.

Future Moose (grumbling): You guys are jerks.

OSZ (looking out the window): Hey, maybe you should turn the high beams on, Moose. It’s gotten pretty dark out there.

Future Moose mumbles a reply.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: What was that, man?

Future Moose: I said, these are the high beams.

OSZ (squinting as he leans forward to peer out the front window): Seriously? Holy cow!

Future Moose: I have night vision, you know. We’re fine.

Suddenly a man staggers out onto the road in front of the car.

Ballsofsteelandfury (eyes wide): Look out!

Future Moose (hitting the brakes): Frek!

The car hits the man, and runs him right over. In the back seat OSZ, Marc Trestmans Windowless Van and Low Commander all bounce in their seats.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Whoa, man!

The car finally skids to a stop.

Ballsofsteelandfury: Did we hit him?

Future Moose: Um…kind of?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van (bummed): Aw, man! This is bad!

OSZ: No kidding! We might have killed someone!

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: No, man…I mean, I dropped the bong, man. I think it’s broken…

To be continued…