EPL Week Two – Prepare to Embrace the Suck (and Special Litre_Cola Flavoured Treat!)

Yeah, like everyone predicted…week one revealed all the assholes with money to be good. The only real surprise was dreadful Hull winning at Leicester, which just means there won’t be the slightest bit of drama regarding the Foxes coming good in their second act. FYI – seeding in Champions League is really funny, and in large part predicated in PAST success in European competition – so don’t expect that to be any sort of life preserver.

I done forgot there was Week Two Friday Night Footy, and asshole side Manure beat Soton 2-nil. Sorry, Sill.

Stoke host Man City to lead things off this Saturday (7:30 am, NBCSN). The Potters specialize in muddying up finesse sides, and City were less than convincing in their home opener against shitty Sunderland. Don’t be surprised if this is a frustrating draw.

The 10 am window features a grab bag of middling games, as who can tell what will be that compelling early on. Chelski/Watford get CNBC, Redshite/Burnley NBCSN. I would have thought Spurs against Palace would be the top game, but it’s relegated to Extra Time, as are my Blues making their way to the midlands to take on WBA. It’s the kind of game Everton need to win if they are going to challenge for Europe, but will draw at best. SIGH.

Leicester host Arsenal in the 12:30 feature window, but only gets CNBC coverage this week. One would expect the Gunners to smack this year’s iteration of Foxy Footy around, but who knows – these two played some of the most entertaining footy in all of Europe last season.

Sunday not-so-funday. Sunderland hosts Middlesborough (8:30 am, NBCSN) followed by West Ham hosting Bournemouth (11:00 am, CNBC). The latter being the much better option, so sleep those hangovers away.

NOW…if you’ve made it this far, ye shall be rewarded. The vastly superior writer, and DFO ambassador to Europe, Litre_Cola has kindly proferred this delightful EPL preview. Any formatting errors should be blamed on Hippo, who was pretty pilled out by this portion of his Friday night. FUN FACT! Hippo and DFO Ambassador share the same, somewhat unusual Christian name! WEIRD!!!

EPL PREVIEW FROM A DISTANCE PART 1

Hello DFOers I hope we are well in anticipation of the upcoming season. However there was another season that started a couple weeks ago and we did not get to the horses in this race. There are many different types of horses in here as the English thumb their noses at parity and equal spending but that doesn’t mean that some plucky upstart can’t win it all! First thing is first I am a Fulham FC supporter so sadly I do not have a dog in this race, am I still biased? Hell yeah I am but I really don’t support any team in here so take that as you will. I will make very vague predictions so I can look like a complete ass at the end of the season.

Arsenal: Well, well, well we know a certain owner of this team who will screw over a complete city in order to make some more money for toupees! Hi there Stan Kroenke, you and NOT your buddy Usmanov have been infighting over this club for a while now and basically giving Arsene Wenger enough resources to stay in the top 5 but not make a run for it all. I am not a Wenger apologist but he has done so much with the resources he has been given at the tail end of his tenure here. If there ever was a chance to get the League, it was last year but you done threw up all over yourselves the last few weeks didn’t you? I feel that as usual they will be near the top, they will have the most expensive tickets in the Prem, and everyone will be pissed off at everyone all season.

-Verdict: Top 5

Burnley: Newcomers, not quite a yo-yo team as they haven’t been up here much; this is their third time in recent years. They indeed are the smallest city to have played in the premier league so they have the smallest stadium which is always a great place to watch a top tier match.

-Verdict: Bottom 5 but I do not believe that they will be sent down

AFC Bournemouth: The Cherries stayed up last year and any games that I saw that were at Dean Court looked like it was a really good time, yes I have a bias to small stadiums. Their transfer target Junior Stanlislas signed for 3 years a couple days ago, he is very young and will get snapped up by a bigger club if they so wished. We have our 1st Russian businessman of the day! Maxim Denim is majority owner and has a great superhero name. The 1st 2 paragraphs in Wikipedia show him to be a completely trustworthy gentleman who made his way up in the petrochemical biz.

-Verdict: Will start slow but save themselves by the end of the season

Chelsea: By law I hate this team as their stadium is not in Chelsea but it is in Fulham. Their owner is easily the most notable rich guy in the prem. Roman Abramovich is the epitome of Russian Oligarch, he got out of Mother Russia what he needed, bought a football club, and behaves like Mr. Burns’ slowpitch team. They will challenge for top spot as they always do due to the funding they receive. Their new manager is a heart attack waiting to happen, I guarantee if he could smoke on the sidelines like in the olden days that Conte would go through a pack a match. Edin Hazard if a phenomenal player but tends to get a bit pissy and he is Belgian so he can disappear in games. Their roster is a who’s who of international teams, and old man John Terry is still back there. He should be making his way over to the MLS anytime shortly. This is Roman’s dinghy.

-Verdict: Will finish top 4 and challenge for the title.

Crystal Palace: Sounds like a lovely place to visit doesn’t it? It isn’t, it is a drab suburb of London to the South East. Selhurst Park is another one of the old grounds (1924) isn’t the oldest in London because that goes to a plucky club who torments me every Saturday with hope. (Craven Cottage 1896). Palace stayed up, they seem to be the MLS of the prem as they reclaim players who have just enough in the tank to keep them up. They made a documentary about them last year called South London and Proud. It was ok, but in reality they could do this about any small club who yo-yos up and down.

Alan Pardew does not want to hear this but…

-Verdict: This is the year they will fall! Necessary editorial note from Hippo (that you will see many times on Everton forum NSNO anytime we play Palace): Alan Pardew is a cunt.

Everton: Everton is the most middling team that ever middled. Europa league? Yep probably. 6 or 7th place finish? Yes, totally. Will I look at the games on offer and see a couple bad ones and a top 5 team vs Everton and say “Hey this could be good”? Yes, yes I will. They beat who they should beat, and lose to teams above them. I visited Goodison Park once, not for a match just being a stadium junkie and I really liked it. There definitely is a neighbourhood divide as Anfield is 1 mile away, and lets just say that walk is not through Beverly Hills so watch your colours.

-Verdict: I said 6th or 7th with a Europa league spot. Necessary editorial note from Hippo: Would bite the FA rep’s hand off if this were offered right now.

(Fulham would have been here)

Hull City: The Tigers ROWR

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Hull is a rugby city, they are a yo-yo team. I do not care for them, either do most of the locals. Owned by an Egyptian born British businessman, I remember those days, the last thing Fulhams crazy owner did before he sold us to Shahid Khaaaannn was erect a Michael Jackson statue outside of the oldest ground in London.

-Verdict: Oh they coming to the Championship

Leicester City: We all know the story, this is one of the reasons we all love sports. It totally sucked me in last season and I made it an appointment every Saturday/Sunday to watch The Foxes play. What wasn’t there to like? They had Claudio Ranieiri and his goofy mannerisms, a bunch of cast offs and young guys who were passed over, and it was completely improbable that they win it all. I believed that they would lose a majority of their players after a season like that but they kept Vardy, Mahrez, Schmeichel, and Huth who I believe is older than me. I still think last year was great and gives hope to other small franchises in sport.

-Verdict: There is no way they will repeat and I believe they will settle in to a top ten position

Liverpool: I hear it every year from Reds fans, this is the year, this is the year. Well, this year could be the year as Klopp has settled in quite nicely and they seem to really like playing for him. They have some characters up front with Benteke the man who can never score when he is alone on a keeper, Balotelli who is not friends with firecrackers is still there and I had no idea.

Their midfield is incredibly strong with Lallana (I like this word), Leiva, Emre Can, Henderson, that I think they will be near the top of the heap. HOWEVAH, being owned by Fenway Group means that their fans are just as irritating as Red Sox fans and they do not deserve to win. Necessary editorial note from Hippo: PREACH, brother!!!

Manchester City: Let’s get this over with Fuck these guys.

We are past week one and God B in the City of Manchester has already yanked boyband wannabe Joe Hart from the starting role. He will probably leave and settle in at Everton as he is as mediocre as them. They are loaded and God B (Pep Guardiola) has so much pedigree that I believe they will contend for the title. This is what oil money gets you; it is a constant battle between oligarchs and dirty oil money.

So they have De Bruyne who is Belgian so he shows sparks of brilliance and then disappears like the rest of his countrymen. Aguero is a fantasy football machine, Kompany is a Belgian who doesn’t wilt under the spotlight and their bench is full of world class players.