Your “I Want Football And Boobs-Not Necessarily In That Order” Friday Night Open Thread

Aren’t breasts of all kinds completely amazing in every way? Let me tell you about my latest experience that occurred just hours ago. I was at the grocery store and I was completely blown away by a perfect set. They were sticking out like a sore thumb at the deli counter. Needless to say, I bought that wondrous pair as soon as I got to the front of the line. They’re cooling in the fridge right now and I can’t wait to smother them in mayo, pepper and top them with lettuce and cheese. Uh, where was I? Oh yeah.

Jets/Redacteds-Nate Sudfeld, all 6’6″, 235 lbs. of him, was a scintillating 10/15 for 89 yds. last week. Scouts just lurv the hell out of these big body types. “He’s got the height to see over the line, the frame to withstand punishment, half-decent mobility and a cannon for an arm!” [Coaching staff gives him a script of plays that don’t involve any throws over 5 yards] “But, uh, but…the defence has to THINK that he might go long AT ANY TIME!” This is your NFL at the moment, folks.

Jets 2nd round qb pick Christian Hackenburg didn’t see any action at all last week. I guess when you’ve got a logjam of mediocrity at the position you don’t want to…expose the heir apparent to playing time? I’m just riffing here. There’s a position battle going on at the te spot. Jace Amaro and Kellen Davis won’t be deciding it on ability, that’s for sure. Maybe a chicken wing-eating contest? “Hey Jace, there’s too much meat left on that drumstick, that one doesn’t count!”

Fins/’Boys-DAK! Prescott’s light might shine a wee bit less due to a certain starting qb’s first appearance in the preseason. Chants of “Romo, Romo-how fat art thou?” will not be ringing through the upper levels of AT&T Stadium, not because it’s a home game but because Cowboys fans aren’t literate. First round rb Elliot is a no-show tonight because his slight hamstringy thingy is being baby-ed by training staff. [makes note to read Ezekiel chapter of bible in order to make more salient references]

Arian Foster will make a small debut for Miami tonight. Ill-informed dudebros everywhere will make references to his veganism but partially-informed open thread-makers like myself will make light of the fact that he is a yoga practitioner. Here goes…”All the women in Arian’s hot yoga class think that he’s a poser”.

Ari/S.D.-In non-sequitur news, David Johnson won me my auction league last year. In further non-sequitur news, I like Bruce Arians’ head gear. That’s about all I have for the Cards this week.

If Melvin and Gordon put it together this year, being offensive won’t be a problem for the Chargers this year. In a perfect, injury-free scenario, I can picture Marmalard tearing through defences the same way that Sarah, Gunner, Halle, Grace, Rebecca, Caroline and Peter have torn through Tiffany’s vagina.*

*Alanis Morissette thinks that comment is ironic

 

 

 

 

 

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Senor Weaselo
Member

Geno intentional grounding? Never change.

Senor Weaselo
Member

I think I just missed the Jets getting a safety against the Redacteds.

Beerguyrob
Member

People were actually complaining at the stadium today that it was too hot to drink.

http://www.vancouversun.com/life/cms/binary/9464627.jpg?size=640×420

John Difool
Member
John Difool

The last time I can remember it being too hot to drink…… yea, I don’t remember that either.

Beerguyrob
Member

I mean – it was 34 Celsius in the direct sun, but c’mon…

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

As someone who has drank in August in Phoenix..
Fucking Canadia, man.
smgdh

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Crazy talk.

Beerguyrob
Member

I KNOW!

Gratliff
Member

Ah, still the cowboys, then.

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons

This could be the new Cadillac V8 flagship model:

http://pictures.topspeed.com/IMG/crop/201409/cadillac-names-its-u_600x0w.jpg

I’ll never buy an American car because of all the horrible and dangerous deathtraps I somehow survived as a child, but that just might make some millenial hedge fund managers think twice about a 7-Series.

litre_cola
Member

Sill I included an absolutely ridiculous car just for you and to emphasize a point in the EPL preview part 1 that Hippo may be tacking on to his EPL review.

King Hippo
Member

FUN FACT! I am now learning how to save Word pics as .jpg files, and insert them into post text!

/yes, Litre_Cola’s shit IS that good, despite being three pills and one beer into the Fridaying

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons
theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Artist’s conception of Tannehill sans helmet…
comment image

John Difool
Member
John Difool

Alfred Morris is scaring me . He’s not looking like an arthritic George Rogers right now.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Member
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

It was a giant pain the ass to get this gif postable. I mean it was definitely worth it but fuck all the hindrances in getting it here

comment image

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

“Giant pain in the ass”
/starts to say something
//reconsiders

Gratliff
Member

Fuck Jason Witten. Let’s talk Metal Gear Solid Survive. It’s gonna be SO BAD, YOU GUYS.

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons

ROMODERP v TANNEDERP

WHO WILL DERP HARDEST LONGEST

King Hippo
Member

I like to imagine what Scott Muthafickin Hansen does on pre-season nights when there’s no RedZone. Other than inhuman amounts of blow, that’s a given.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

comment image

John Difool
Member
John Difool

Sean Lee’s profile pic on NFL network looks like he’s trying to get a Roxy Music cover band up and running.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Member
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I went Latina women. I reserve the right to go back and do what I threatened before and just spam Kelly O’Hara pics

http://67.media.tumblr.com/0013829a0ab85c9cb90aa953763f22e1/tumblr_o98304wX7s1rwrv4ro1_500.jpg

King Hippo
Member

South America is where it’s at.

Gratliff
Member

This game is only a single broken clavicle away from high comedy

King Hippo
Member

Is there a betting line on it? There should be.

Gratliff
Member

Dallas’ offensive. That’s how you know it’s going to happen.

King Hippo
Member

BLEERGH foar MVP!!!!!!

Gratliff
Member

Holy fuck, the bleergh is out for blood.

King Hippo
Member

It’s like with 8 officials, they can actually SEE all teh holding by the “best OL in the league.” WEIRD!!

litre_cola
Member

A baskletballer from Baylor?

Did you guys know that Tony Gonzalez used to play?
Antonio Gates was also a “baller”
Jimmy Graham used to “break ankles”

Aaron Hernandez used to kill people.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
Member

Craig James killed five hookers.

King Hippo
Member

Come on, it’s 2016. They prefer “courtesans.”

litre_cola
Member

“Vaginal assistants”

WCS
Member

Jerome Bettis is a native of Detroit.

King Hippo
Member

First pay BLEERGH!!!! It’s a sign!!!!!

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

As a fan of the whole Bad Lip Reading series, I’m afraid to watch this.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

I think they forgot to change Hillary’s dialogue.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Toelingus…that’s sound dirty.

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons

FINS/BOYS PRESEASON FITBAW CATCH THE EXCITEMENT

http://media1.giphy.com/media/LiTTNQx8gGlrO/giphy.gif

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Eric Davis looks like a used Q-tip.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Just realized how racist that sounded.

King Hippo
Member

NAWT racist enough, as I didn’t get it ,, smgdh

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

I was referring to the so-called hairstyle, not the color of his skin.
/didn’t make that clear

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Member
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

One more redhead. I will probably go some other theme after this one. I might just post 20 Kelley O’Hara gifs though

SFW-ish

http://67.media.tumblr.com/cd533cc58b3acf502a67e88537dd3b0f/tumblr_obr70mSzPI1qk16obo1_1280.jpg

John Difool
Member
John Difool

Fitzpatrick is totally clean shaven. Must be Rumspringa.

Gratliff
Member

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Jose Altuve, not so good at teh catching for a major leaguer.
Just totally missed the throw down to 2nd base (during pre inning warm up that is, not in game) and it hit him right in the shoulder and bounced into centerfield.
I’m still LMFAO’ing.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Says the guy who once had to get 10 stitches above his eye for something similar.
But at least I caught the ball. The stiff lacings on glove then kicked back and cut me. Weird.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Member
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

None of my pics tonight are SFW. It wasn’t meant to be the theme but it is what it is

h
ttp://67.media.tumblr.com/7bbaeefc99be341c6d7a65ba57dba129/tumblr_obr4rtJQSj1qk16obo1_1280.jpg

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

I’ll say this much…when you go NSFW you don’t fuck around.

Redshirt
Member

…and we thank you for that.

Gratliff
Member

I hate these fucking memes. What is the link between veteran suicide and exercising? Do people feel like they need to 1-up internet slacktivism? If they don’t want to do anything about the problem, why don’t they just pray like normal useless people? Maybe I should have recorded myself on an elliptical earlier and said “This one’s for the syrian refugees.” That way I could have felt like I was a better human being when I immediately went back to watching TV.

John Difool
Member
John Difool

In this day and age everyone is only one ice-bucket-challenge away from getting ordained a Saint by the Vatican.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Member
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Chris Pratt has obtained Sainthood. I refuse to believe otherwise

King Hippo
Member

I traded for David Johnson AND had the LeVeon/DeAngelo combo…missed the playoffs in my DEEP auction league.

In short…I suck at fantasy football as much as I suck at life.

Also, I had to use Jace Amaro a few times last season as a bye/injury fill-in, and he can go and have sex with hisself, as far as I’s concerned.

Guess who had a kale and cucumber salad for dinner so he could justify beer for Friday night game watchin??

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Member
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I should add I actually do care 9 months later, and my bitchyness about it was half assed and not real.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Member
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

You know it’s August? This is relevant news at best 9 months ago

John Difool
Member
John Difool

Anytime you have to have a salad to justify beer….. yea, I agree, you’ve failed at life.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

I suck at fantasy football as much as I suck at life.

That sir is negative self talk and I will not stand for it!!!
Plus you’re pretty good at both IMHO.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Member
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Second NSFW redhead

h
ttp://66.media.tumblr.com/c71e579672a95d24b037dfaa0a31b16c/tumblr_obvtqi0Ahs1qk16obo1_540.jpg

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Best open thread title ever? Maybe…maybe.
And at least I’ve got a hot bikini girl come at me (phrasing) tonight rather than a giant baby head or Eli.
I’ll certainly not feel the need to punch her
/wonders if spanking can break the monitor

How’s everybody doing?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Member
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I am doing my best to sprinkling in NSFW gifs to add to the experience. And I am doing well thank you for asking

litre_cola
Member

So I wrote a EPL 2 part preview in the same genre of my Euro updates, and my contacts ave been erased for gmail. I no longer have Balls’ addy. A little help over here!

King Hippo
Member

check yo e-mail, muthaflippa

Clipboard Jesus
Member
Clipboard Jesus
Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons
litre_cola
Member

That website any good?

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons

Meh.

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons
Senor Weaselo
Member

For once I don’t have all the things today, nor am I with Running-Out-Of-Modifiers-For-Why-She-Isn’t-Senorita Weaselo. How the fuck is everyone?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Member
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

The thread title made me go look for boobs. Not SFW one here but I really liked it anyways so it is getting posted

h
ttp://67.media.tumblr.com/777606caaac85d6050138d1e928e979d/tumblr_obwreg44hf1qk16obo1_400.gif

indieguy
Member
indieguy

you’re doing the lords work

Redshirt
Member

BREAKING NEWS: Cops did something good!

http://www.cnn.com/2016/08/19/health/beyond-the-call-yukon/index.html

(warning: Prepare your Feels)

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Member
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I am still gonna continue hating all cops even though I am far too white to really have a problem with them (Sorry, I hope they all rot in hell for harassing me about going to jail for my entire life because they are too stupid to realize I was one of the victims) That was a lovely story though.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

I remember that story. I’ve had my own run-ins as some folks around here know.
But I’ve also had good experiences with them to.
They’re human. Just like all other humans, some will suck, some will not.

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