49ers 2016 Preview: a One-Sided Conversation with a Team Hero

Strolling along the sidewalk at the Rose Garden in San Jose as I head into town to pick up the ticket package for the upcoming hockey season I see a food truck with a familiar face peeking out through the window…

“So you want a Philly cheesesteak?  You look like a nice girl, you want two, maybe?  No?  Okay then.”

“Yeah, yeah.  I’m him.  You got me.”

“Oh yeah, I mean my whole family calls this place home.  We’re not leaving the Bay Area any time soon.  The Tomsulas are not quitters.  Once my girls had their chance to dress up for the San Francisco cheer squad we were pretty much stuck here.  But it’s a great place.  And since I had some free time I thought I’d give this business a shot.  I figure San Jose likes food trucks, I like food, it seemed like a no-brainer, like the sort of no-brainers Colin would pull as he arm-punted down the field all day.  I mean sure, I have to offer a vegan cheesesteak and I am not sure if it is the estrogen from the soy or knowing that the cherubs are weeping above for my sins against beef that I cry every time I have to prepare one for a customer, but other than that I am living the good life.  And let me tell you… and I’m not just trying to sell you my sandwiches when I say this… I make a mean cheesesteak.  Honey, I know two things:  cheese, defensive lines, bludgeoning, and meat.  I guess that’s not two, but I really know number one and four there.”

“What can I say?  Chip’s probably a better fit for the Niners, anyway.  I mean I get to spend time with my family and my love of cats and obviously this gorgeous ship right here and my true passion… my kitchen!  Ain’t she a beaut’?  It’s not like Chip can see the interceptions through his squinty eyes, anyhow.  He can’t see the clusterfuck on the field that his players have made for themselves so he won’t be having an aneurysm every down.  I am sure his ticker can handle it better than mine.  I mean my new job is paid for by cholesterol and my blood pressure is lower here on my worst day than in the locker rooms on my best day.”

“Just listen to that chorus!  Oh, all of that beautiful meat singing a song about how happy it is to get served up to you, little miss.  What’s that?  Yeah… yeah.  That is a sleeping bag.  Good eye!  The Mrs. used to get really irritated by the jeers when we would go out in public and she had to be seen with me so I often just camp out here in my truck.  But, heeeeey, at least they have good Wi-Fi in most of the parks here so I can catch all of the updates about the boys.  Reception really only gets dodgy when the fox squirrels get a little too amorous on the roof up there.  The squeaking just sounds like yer’ rubbing two blocks of Styrofoam against each other.  I mean this place is great, and as a man who has lived in a car for a year of his life, I speak from experience!  Man, when those rodents aren’t sticking the spurs to one another I get a wonderful chance to sit back and see what Chip has going on with the roster, like the quiver of running backs he is tryin’ to sort through right now.  It ain’t easy, lemme tell you, especially with some impressive moves coming out of DuJuan Harris after being reminded last year that if you are going to have an offensive based solely on a running game, it helps to have more than one running back.”

“Did you want the sharp provolone, sweetheart?  Well you know, maybe after Christian Ponder spent his offseason staying fit with his re-painting athletics, maybe Chip will get a passing game off the ground at some point, eh?  I heard Kelly had been chasing that guy since he was coaching the Eagles.  I guess he wants to complete his set of 2011 B-side QB draft pogs.  Don’t get me wrong, Ponder looked sharp in his first preseason game, but I am pretty sure Minnesota probably said the same thing.”

“Your order is juuuust about up!  Yeah, I’m pretty happy to be out of that rat race.  York and his daughter insisting everything go on twitter, $15 Icees at Levis’… I needed a break—to find the real Jimmy in me.  And everything is going great here in the truck!  I sell more sandwiches everyday than the day before, I have at least one less bottle of Rolling Rock thrown in my general direction by a confused hipster who thought it was my choice to let Crabtree go to the Raiders, and I am one day closer to my wife letting me use the master bathroom again.  Everything is really starting to come up Tomsula around here.”

“You know what I am a little jealous of though, honey?  Marcus Rush.  I wish I could have had him on my defense.  The mind just reels.  Is he an outside linebacker that can block like dickens or is he a defensive end who wants to lead the team in sacks?  He’s a wildcard.  Okay, Okay.  Maybe I’m a little jealous of having Joshua Garnett for an up-and-coming guard, too, but hey, it’s just an offense line, amirite?  And Devon Cajuste?  Are you kidding me?  Just say that name and tell me it doesn’t make your tongue happy!  Yeah.  I wouldn’t give this up for the life of me, but man… it would have been nice to have had some players at least.  It would have been nice to know what it felt like to be head coach of an NFL team then.”

“Aaaaand…. There.  We.  Go!  How’s that lookin’ sweetheart?  I swear to you it will taste even better than it looks!  Oh, sweetheart, that’s a very generous tip.  Thank you.  You don’t have to worry about Jimmy.  I’m doing alright.  I got a great family, I got this, I’m not stressed every morning with an eye twitch worrying about how red and gold will haunt my dreams for the rest of my days… and hell I even got to see my very own Penguins win the Cup right over here at the SAP Cen… Cen… Hey!  hey, honey, whatchya doin’?!  Where’s a girl like you go and even get a knife like that?  Why are trying to slash my tires over there?  You know I got duallies, right?  I mean, there’s always next year for the Sharks, ya’ know?”

Thanks to inspiration from Rikki-Tikki Deadly and outstanding artwork from Darkest Timeline Zach Morris