Your “Hurry Up, Baby. Daddy Needs His Fix” Wednesday Evening Open Thread



A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.

Day-before Glorious NFL Returns News:

It’s kind of a light day, because most everything on every team is in a holding pattern until after the first game.ed-norton-tv-remote

  • Seantrel Henderson is (duh!) appealing his imminent 4-game suspension for violating drug policy. At this point, the only things left on Buffalo’s front lines are a few border guards and a big pile of wing bones Rob Ryan left on the field.
  • Proving he’s found a new dealer and new hallucinogens, Jim Irsay says the Colts are on the verge of another “golden era”.
  • Ezekiel Elliott is not being charged over an alleged incident involving an ex-girlfriend. THE COWBOYS WAY!
  • Carson Palmer is looking forward, not back to the NFC title game. Because if he did, he’d still be in the fetal position at home.
  • Drew Brees got his extension – 2 years; $44.25 million. Fully guaranteed.

Finally, I just want to pass along some plaudits for all of the Team Previews the members of the Commentist Party have put together. Although lacking the genial bile of Drew’s “Why Your Team Sucks” posts over at Deadspin, they greatly benefit from a certain amount of ingenuity, as there were people who analyzed teams not in their normal viewing habit.

Well done everyone! A great success all around, and something that will be difficult to emulate next year unless Cuntler wants to “50 Questions” every team. [BTW, if there aren’t “50 Questions for the Super Bowl”, I believe we have failed as a site.]

Speaking of suck…

The Patriots are Bo Dallas.
The Patriots are Bo Dallas.

I guess this is the NFL’s response to WWE dominating social media; nice to see the Broncos, Jaguars, Chiefs and…PATRIOTS?! are the NFL version of The Social Outcasts.


This might have made more sense during the SB50 campaign. Really feel they lost out on the Chargers…


If you want to have a good laugh, or rage-fit, read the comments section to the Dallas Morning News editorial endorsing Hillary Clinton. It’s a well-reasoned explanation of a difficult decision to go against standard for the first time in 75 years reduced to shrieks of “RINO!” A small sample:



I don’t know what’s more scalding – the one-sentence burns or the page-long diatribes. Read it long enough, and you can smell the brimstone from all those HAWT TAEKS!

Tonight’s sports:

  • Baseball:
    • US listings: (TSN2 in Canada)
      • Cardinals at Pirates – 7:00 PM | ESPN
      • Rangers at Mariners – 10:00 PM | ESPN
    • Canadian listings:
      • Blue Jays at Yankees – 7:00 | SN
      • Red Sox at Padres – 9:00 | SN1
  • Rio 2016 Paralympic Games: Opening Ceremony – 7:00PM | OLN
  • U.S. Open Tennis: Quarterfinals – 7:00 PM | ESPN2
  • NWSL Soccer: Chicago vs. Kansas City – 7:55PM | FS1



A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.

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JerBear50FronkenshteenDoktor ZymmUnsurprisedMarc Trestmans Windowless Van Recent comment authors
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Revelation 16:4
“And the third angel poured out his vial upon the rivers and fountains of waters; and they became blood.”

Doktor Zymm

I have had some amazing meals in my life, but kaiseki is just insane. We don’t do fish correctly in the US. Even the easy stuff, like prawns, we are doing totally wrong. No wonder Japan has such a fish lust. We would be eating everything we could drag out of the sea if we could make it taste like this. I had mink whale once in Iceland. Tasted like fishy beef. I bet if I had it here it would be amazing.


“Per Clark, the cause of this phenomenon is the CBA, which was renegotiated in 2011 to depress rookie salaries, especially at the top of the draft …. The intent of this change was to divert money to veterans, but what it has actually done is make cheap young players so disposable—and good cheap young players so valuable—that vets are instead just being pushed out of the league.”

Who could’ve ever seen this coming!?!

Doktor Zymm

Okay, I’m gonna go check out te onsen. Woo baths!

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Have a good day. Enjory the day spa/bath. Ignore me being drunk as fuck tonight. Or don’t, I went from 0 to 20 after everyone left quick.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I should say solid work on bugging an idiot that should be going to sleep but just solid work

Doktor Zymm

How many beers do you think I can get the flight attendants to give me, assuming I can stream the early games on the plane? Should I plan on tossing some sly grog in my fluids baggie?


1. Depending on your carrier – All the beers

2. Yes. Grab them off the cart or from the kitchen while the stewardesses are on break.


I knew a guy who had 6-10 Heineken on a KLM flight.